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*onfuzed
writes: I recently found out that my boyfriend looked at porn and masturbated. He said he wanted to stop for me because every time he did it he felt like he was betraying me. This has me so worried because if he felt like he was betraying me and couldnt stop this, how can he stop himself from sleeping with another woman as this would be betrayal too and be the same betarying feeling. He said he only masturbated because his ex girlfriend used to beat him up and be really horrible to him and abuse him mentally. He saw it as a release from a stressful life. I can understand this but I cant help but think is it somehow my fault too because if he wanted to stop he obviously would have and maybe I drove him to it. He a really nice and sweet guy and tries his best not to hurt anyone. I dont know if I can trust him again after this how can I help myself trust him?
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female
reader, MEN CONFUSE ME MORE  +, writes (23 December 2009):
MY theory here for what its worth....I have always felt not thought that my realtionship of 10 years has been very stable. Actally i dont see a thing wrong with porn in moderation. I am very open minded , caring in all levels. Esp. when it comes to men, lets face it they are more sensitive ( you men might not accept my saying so ) but you are. Believe me when the tables are turned, watch out ... they dont like the cake and ice cream deal coming back on them.Anyways, when the concerns of porno comes into your life so much to where he becomes confused with reality and fiction then you have a problem !Im living proof, I do not blame myself, nor do I fall back that i am not worthy. I know im a good person and I totally love sex. We both do obviously. My other half has allowed himself to get all caught up in such a circle he has no where to turn.I see it clearly, we have talked about it. He has tried to behave less on line. God love him with no control. For the past few years I had no clue how much he was watching porn, then a few months back i realized he was going into private chat rooms. All this hit me this summer ( like a ton of bricks ) I knew we needed to talk about this again and again, I finally woke up and knew once you have abused your freedom like he has then I cannot see our relationship ever being on the mends. He has and is comparing me to his online fantasies. There is no way I can compete with that for its just so unrealistic. Yes of course he compares all women to porn women, other wise it would not be so hard to walk away from it.I think ( he wants to keep me, the nice respectful woman ) that looks good on his arm ) that gets crazy in bed, that takes care of her/ his children, but wants an affair so bad he cant stand it. I say this for he has told me so. Just wants to see what it feels like to be with another woman, for he hasnt been with many....Truth ? I can understand his thoughts, but I cannot understand his selfishness of my feelings and my desires. Lord it would be great to feel another man in my arms, the excitement you have when you are first with someone. You would think men would realize its just that, excitement. Is it really worth losing a good person in your life ? In his case ( YES ) I know he needs help and I know he wont get it. I thank god all my kids are grown and I only have ties to him through our years together.Maybe one day i will find someone who can enjoy controlled porn and respect me for who i am. Stop the dream la la land bs. Its only bs trust me.In my case its destroyed our relationship, so do beware of the men that simply cannot control themselves. Good luck to me and all the great woman ( because you are ) (((O:
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): dear dear, pornography is not a way of "cheating." this is simply sexual material that turns a guy on....look its not like hes looking at these girls and is saying "wow im gonna find her and sleep with her" this is just a way to cope with sexual feelings...so if i were you, dont worry about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): So I completely understand that men need to masturbate at times. I was completely fine with my boyfriend doing it when I wasn't around. I know that he needed stimulation and accepted it. The problem I have is when he masturbates instead of wanting to do stuff with me. I'm a very willing woman. Anything he wants to try, I will, but for some reason, he feels that it is more "convenient" to just use the computer when I'm right there. I have talked about this with him and he says he doesn't know why he does it. He says that I'm just as good as the pictures but I don't understand why he would choose it then. Please give me some suggestions!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): hi im 14 years old and i masturbate everyday whilst looking at porn ...is there anything wrong with this ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): I am a 20 something year old woman and have been in a committed relationship for almost 2 years and he looks @ porn whenever I am not home (we live together). It makes me feel degraded. I am here, willing to have sex with him and whenever he masturbates that means that I will not get sex that day because he has already pleased himself. How is that fair? We have a vibrator but you should see how pissed he gets when I bring up using it. How is that double standard fair???? It pisses me off and really hurts my feelings. I understand where the original writer of this blog is coming from. I feel the same way. I am not insecure thinking that he is going to run of.... I feel that it is totally UNFAIR to me and our relationship when he masturbates. I could see him doing that if I was a crappy girlfriend but I am a great girlfriend and I am practically his wife without the title. No male in my boyfriends shoes can justify masturbation. That is the bottom line... with or without male urges. Women have urges too and if men would stop being so damn selfish and pull their heads out of their asses, maybe they'd realize that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): hello there,
Firstly I'd like to say that I believe masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy thing for both men and women to do. I am a woman and I also have an incredibly high sex drive, both my partner and I masturbate, but only when the other is not available. Both my partner and I have allways masturbated. Whilst sinlge and in previous relationships we have both used porn, but from the very beggining of our relationship we have both discontinued our use of porn because we no longer found it satisfactory, we both much prefer to have sex with each other or if that is not possible we will masturbate but we only use pictures of each other. I think where your boyfriends feelings of guilt and betrayal are comming from are the fact that he is masturbating over pictures of "other women" and he feels that his masturbating over these pictures is not "the right thing to do" and this is why he feels he is betraying you, he feels he is doing the wrong thing morally and I believe his feelings are very well founded. I think he definately needs some councelling to get over what happened with his ex and if this is the true root of the problem then this should solve his need for porn.
to sum it up I believe that masturbating is normal but looking at porn isn't your partner has a problem and he needs help, you seem like a very careing and wonderfull girlfriend to be looking to help him with this problem, it is not his fault and it's obvious he cares for you alot.
good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006): All males masterbate on a regular basis. It is perfectly normal and nothing for you, or him, to be worried about. Its good that he told you about this. I can understand you being concerned. Reassure him and ask if you can surf porn with him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): Well even if he says "betrayed" I am sure that you can see that there is a qualatitve difference in actual infidelity. BTW, you sound cool confused. Good luck to both of you.
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female
reader, Yours Truly +, writes (7 December 2005):
Be warned...
Speaking as a journalist, a psychologist and a person whose marriage has been destroyed due to porn...
It's funny how confused we can get over these issues. Once upon a time, women were speaking out against the abuse and objectivity of their bodies being used to satisfy men's fantasies and now, everything's cool. We've ignored the fact that porn is addictive due to the chemical impulse that accompanies it and that, like any drug, the effect starts wearing off after our bodies get used to it so we seek bigger, bolder, more perverted things.
You can look at convicted sex-criminals, perverts and paedephiles and they will all tell you without exception and without exaggeration, that their problems originally began with a little "playboy magazine"... Some men have the opposite response. They have a decrease in their libido and end up not even wanting sex from a healthy, attractive and willing partner anymore. They are just satisfied with masturbation.
I'll be up front and honest - be warned when playing with fire and honor your boyfriends' honesty. Consider it a cry for help and do a 'google' search on the "harmful effects of pornography."
It's not enough to say something's normal just because
"everyone's doing it."
There is so much more I could say but maybe the internet can do the rest for me right now. Good Luck in loving your gorgeous man through his illness...and remember: the first step is confession - so you're ahead of the game girl!
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female
reader, Yours Truly +, writes (7 December 2005):
Be warned...
Speaking as a journalist, a psychologist and a person whose marriage has been destroyed due to porn...
It's funny how confused we can get over these issues. Once upon a time, women were speaking out against the abuse and objectivity of their bodies being used to satisfy men's fantasies and now, everything's cool. We've ignored the fact that porn is addictive due to the chemical impulse that accompanies it and that, like any drug, the effect starts wearing off after our bodies get used to it so we seek bigger, bolder, more perverted things.
You can look at convicted sex-criminals, perverts and paedephiles and they will all tell you without exception and without exaggeration, that their problems originally began with a little "playboy magazine"... Some men have the opposite response. They have a decrease in their libido and end up not even wanting sex from a healthy, attractive and willing partner anymore. They are just satisfied with masturbation.
I'll be up front and honest - be warned when playing with fire and honor your boyfriends' honesty. Consider it a cry for help and do a 'google' search on the "harmful effects of pornography."
It's not enough to say something's normal just because
"everyone's doing it."
There is so much more I could say but maybe the internet can do the rest for me right now. Good Luck in loving your gorgeous man through his illness...and remember: the first step is confession - so you're ahead of the game girl!
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A
reader, becky05 +, writes (7 July 2005):
Your boyfriend feels guilty for no reason, masturbation is a normal thing for anyone to do, even when in a satisfying relationship.Talk your fears over with him and im sure a lot of your worries will be put to rest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2005): I think the reality of his clear memories of his exes, the trama of abuse has you on alert. I'm wondering if he got out of those two past relationships was by cheating and then eventually getting dumped. I think that you genuinely do not trust him. But you are trying to fool us by saying "he's a really nice and sweet guy and tries his best not to hurt anyone." The basis of any relationship is trust. I feel that if you cannot come to a point to where you feel secure trusting him with your whole heart, then it's probably time to re-think WHY you are with this guy. You know there are a lot of available guys out there who do not blame their exes for their short-comings. So even if you decide to leave, there is still a happy ending.
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reader, confuzed +, writes (11 June 2005):
Thank you all for your answers but i feel like you guys have got the wrong end of the stick here so let me just clear a few little things up, i have no problem with my boyfriend looking at porn i actually thought it was mad wierd that he never, or so he said. The thing i have the problem with is that he told me he felt like every time he did it he betrayed me. This is my dilemma, not the porn but the feelings of betrayal he had, which never stopped him from doing it, if he felt like he was betraying me then why would he carry on? This is my dilemma. My boyfriends ex was, whats the most kindest way to put it...a bitch. She abused him mentally and physically and he felt he had to use this as a way out and then he moved on to his girlfriend before me. She was completly frigid and he had no relationship with her bar friendship and then there was me. I am the most sexually explorative girlfriend he has had and questioned him about porn. He always said he didnt need it because he had me and i thought it was strange becuse its like a guys real time alone! He could just be horny and just need a quick one when hes alone because i know i wouldnt hesitate to pull out my bunny! I awlays thought that was wierd that he said he didnt need it then i found it and he was so ashamed and genuinly sorry but i said it was normal and he explained why he was saying sorry. He said every time he does it he feels like he betrays me even thought before it was just a habit, a release. This is why im worried that if this feeling of betrayal didnt stop him then what happens in the future when he feels like he is betraying me with another woman will the feelings of betrayal stop him? Because they didnt before!! I will state again i genuinly have no problem with men using porn and im sorry if i gave you the wrong impression i have a bad writing style and i hope that every1 who posted answers on here reads this so they know what i mean.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2005): This is a man typing my response to this question. And yes, I am leaving this note marked as anonymus because I do not want to start any man-bashing. Every man has looked at porn at one time or other in their lives and guys we know it! At the age of 12 or 13, the age of sexual awareness, young men are almost expected to look at porn or at least have it in their possession or risk being labeled gay. And yes, it still comes in handy on those lonely nights when our wives are out visiting their mothers or on out-of-town business trips. Our bodies are still ticking even when our Mrs.s are away. A quick fix? A picture or video of a naked woman receiving sexual pleasure whether from herself or another. A quick release, and then it's over. No more sexual needing. It's how husbands survive with their wives. And let's face it, Mrs.s, when you are holding back sexual privileges because we forgot to say hi to your dispectable sister, what else do have to fall back on? Old faithful porn. Yes, that's what keeps us faithful physically. Yes, we husbands DO NOT WANT to cheat by any means. Let me stress that point. But the sexual urges are not going to stop because the Mrs.s is mad because of her idiotic sister. All I'm saying is Ladies, let's get real here. Every woman wants honesty and integrity...Well, here I am speaking for every man who feels the same way I do. I am being perfectly candid. So I hoped I have helped you in some way, Ms. "Scared of Porn Because It Makes Me Jealous."
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (11 June 2005):
 To paraphrase Woody Allen, there's nothing wrong with masturbation--it's sex with someone I love.The real problem here as I see it is that *he* feels there's a problem (his "betrayal" of you) and you feel there's a problem with him masturbating.My feeling is that Boyfriend probably could stand a little counseling to sort out these guilt feelings (and perhaps resolve the collateral damage from his past relationship). You, yourself may want to speak to someone about your own conflicted feelings. Or not. If you feel very strongly that he shouldn't feel the need to masturbate if he's active with you, well, no matter what any of the rest of us think, there's your answer. For the record, I have no problem with people looking at porn. I've used it, been with partners who used it and even used it with certain partners. But I have reached a point in my life where I've realized I just prefer the sex with partners who share my attitude towards porn, which is that the real thing--or home-grown fantasies--are superior.Know where you stand on the issue, period--where that line is drawn in the sand--and stick to it (at least, until it changes). You are the best judge of what it is you can and cannot live with.
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reader, Your big sis +, writes (10 June 2005):
 What is it with women not wanting their men to look at porn? I don't think women understand the physiology of a healthy man. Even if we were in the days of old where T.V. didn't exist, there was still pictures- drawn or painted to look at and jack off. And then before that, men still have their imagination. Men need to release sperm. It's in their genetic makeup. Women don't realize because they can't understand that feeling -they don't have the equipment. A man's body is constantly creating sperm. Some more than others, everybody is different. If they do not release sperm, it builds up in the testicles. The brain responds to the build-up by turning on hormones to arousal levels. The man is aroused so he can release-ejaculate sperm. When the build-up is no more, he is back to normal (before the arousal). He can concentrate better because the idea of sex is not brought on by his hormones. Until well, the next time he has a build-up. Men respond to that arousal differently. He can hunt the first available girl to ejaculate with or he can go into his home and jack off. And if porn helps him do this faster so he can get it over with, so be it.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (10 June 2005):
 I'm always going to disagree here because I feel that if a man is masturbating over porn, then realistically speaking, he is fantasising about having sex with that woman in the photo. In the same way that if a woman is masturbating and using a fantasy of a hunky male model to enrich the experience, then whose to say that if he suddenly appeared at her bedroom door, she wouldn't rip his clothes off??!
Dreams and fantasies normally stay that way, as dreams and fantasies but I think we would be foolish if we entirely disregarded the chance of it happening in real life.
Everyone keeps making out that these women aren't exactly real in these porn mags, as if they are somehow made up! But they are still real people!
I don't normally include my personal feelings in my responses, but my partner doesn't look at porn, certainly not masturbate to it! He says he doesn't need to and we have a fabulous sex life. This makes me feel secure so I do understand all these women who are so concerned about their men. I have sexual fantasies, but they are about my partner and only him!
I think everyone ought to wake up and realise how damaging this can be. If a man is using porn, especially if his partner is around, I would say it is indicative of a problem in their relationship that needs to be explored.
I do feel your boyfriend is using masturbation purely as a relief from stress. It appears he has had a really difficult time. He is far from the stereotypical man who is addicted to porn for pleasure. If you click on the pornography section of this site, you will discover this for yourself. Also read some of the answers to reassure yourself.
You haven't driven him to it, he has his own issues that he is bravely trying to deal with. Help him by understanding and caring for him.
He appears to be sensitive and thoughtful; I don't feel you have to worry about him being unfaithful.
Talk to him and learn to trust him despite this admission of his. Be there for him and I think you will find that the rewards for doing so will be great.
Take care.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 June 2005):
 Hon, a LOT of guys look at porn and masturbate to it. I might even go out on a limb and say a HUGE MAJORITY of men have done that.
You have nothing to fear from that. It's not a "betrayal" of your love. (What did you think porn was for?) Sexual release for men is something like an itch that needs to be scratched. In that respect, porn is like a backscratcher.
Equating masturbation over porn to sleeping with another woman is like suggesting that catching a trout and slaughtering a pod of whales are the same thing. They're different sins and you need to keep these things in perspective.
Relationships can only bloom when there is trust between the partners. You have to learn that your boyfriend will be tempted by lots of things, and lots of women, in his life. He won't cave in to temptation, just because it's offered, and neither will you.
If he's a "nice, sweet guy", and you love him, then pick your battles. Worry about things that matter. Generally, men have different sexual needs to most women, and young men especially feel like they need more sex. If he occasionally masturbates to porn because you're not around or available, it shouldn't affect your relationship.
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reader, psychic1 +, writes (10 June 2005):
Don't YOU masturbate? No, maybe you should try it! Please go to your local libaray & look up sexuality before becoming too involved in an intimate realationship. Let this guy be himself.When you are apart & you are missing him, or even when your together, it's perfectly natural to masturbate.It helps women especially, to get to know thier own bodies & enjoy sex a lot more. Men are often more highly sexed than women,maybe he needs more than you. Better that he masturbates than goes off with a real girl.These girls he looks at are just paper or computer picture's; they are not real.Lighten up a bit,he should'nt be made to feel ashamed.He has done nothing wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2005): His masturbation isn't an unnatural thing. If anything you should learn to accept guys may have urges they must relase. He doesn't love you any less, its just there and needs to be played with sometimes. The girls in the porn aren't what he wants, its just a way to help visualize it and enhance the experience.... my girlfriend masterbates too, I don't mind, she loves the sex but I'm not always around since we are at different schools. Who am I to deny her a sexual pleasure? As long as its not with another guy, I don't mind. She loves me, I love her....that's not changing.
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