A  ,
*elsi
writes:I am very attracted to a 31 year old female both emotionally and physically. I am a 44 year old female. We have hung out several times together. We have only known each other for 5 months. We have told each other that we are attracted to one another. In fact last week we had our first kiss and just as we were kissing fireworks went off at a nearby ball field. She said she had fun with the kiss and the fireworks added to it. The problem is that sexually she said she is very attracted to me, a 7 on a scale of 10 but emotional attachment to me is only a 2 on a scale of 10. She has told me that she has never been in love before and that she is not an emotional person. She said if we were to get together that it had to be without emotions. I'm not sure how to do that because I am a very caring and loving person. She has been hurt very bad throughout her life by family members and was assaulted by her step-father. I think she has these walls put up around her to protect. By the way we work together as well. I really want to be with her but is it the right thing to do? Please, any advise would be great.Kelsi
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I think you should leave her alone. What kind of person rates people, and then tells a person she's attracted to that she is a 7 out of a possible 10. She is emotionally unavailable, I suspect that's cause she is emotionally retarded. If she loved you, which is what you obviously want, she should say so. If she doesn't, tell her to fuck herself, cause she sure ain't getting some from you!. I know it sounds crude, but you need someone telling you since you obviously don't know yourself.
Now, what you should do is forget her. From what you're telling me it sounds like the classic old/young syndrome.
You know, when grown ups pull funny faces and make funny noises, in order for a baby to like you. Are you willing to ridicule yourself and make a fool of yourself just for her? Come one, if not for yourself, risking everything for this emotionally retarded slut will lose you your job if it doesn't work out. Huh, she will leave you hurt and unemployed. You'll be down to a damn 2 out of 10 then!
Good luck, put this bitch out of your mind, go to some gay bar and pull yourself another lezzie, one that hasn't got the emotional capability of a rat!
xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): If you are married then don't get emotionally atachment!
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A
reader, communicatrix +, writes (11 June 2005):
 Frankly, I'd rather see you taking care of yourself than trying to get her to change--or even question--her own behavior.Since you work together, I think you need to take immediate action--or rather, non-action. Back off of anything sexual; it's dangerous enough in the workplace, and dynamite when the feelings aren't 100% reciprocal between two very mature, very discreet participants.If you truly care for her as you say, remove the sexual element entirely and see what happens. See if you can be her friend; see if she's even interested in letting you. You say you want sexual *and* emotional intimacy; removing sex from the equation gives you a more clear-headed look at whether this woman will ever really want the same.Your impulse to help is kind and admirable. Try really helping her as a friend first, and see what happens.Good luck to both of you.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (10 June 2005):
 I think that in order for these protective walls to come down, your friend needs a bit of help. It does seem that what has happened to her in the past has made her this way but in order for her to be happy, she will eventually have to let someone close to her; hopefully you.
It would be an idea to encourage her to try to seek help, perhaps counselling. You have to think whether you would want to be with someone who was unable (at least for the moment) to be expressive. I think you would find this to be very frustrating and even depressing, leading to doubts and worries.
The one thing to realise is that you can't change her. In order for her to alter, she would need to want to change very much herself as well to realise initially that she had to change to be happy in a relationship.
It is up to you whether you can manage a relationship like this and whether you want to invest in it when you may end up feeling hurt.
I'm not too sure about this scaling people either. I mean, 7 out of 10? What does it take to get a 10? Even that, in itself, isn't the way to be with someone.
I wish you well and I hope you are able to reach a decision as to what to do. Take care.
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A
reader, Your big sis +, writes (10 June 2005):
 Ask her if there is any possibility that she could change in the next 6 months to a year. If you could prove that she can trust you, would that be enough for her? If not, I don't know what to tell you. I used to be very shut in when it came to my feelings until a man came along and earned my trust (I was very upfront with him). He didn't have to, but that's how much he loved me. We have been married now for 7 years strong. So it's up to you how long you want to wait for her to trust you. It's not fair that you'll have to earn her trust, but if you love her you will. And if she sees it, maybe she'll open up to you.
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