A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay so im 18 and have been with my girlfriend who is 19 for a year. I'm very happy with her, and still am, but recently found out that when she was barely 15, she gave a bj to a guy who she only got with 2 or 3 times, who she knew had a gf but did it anyway. Mainly because all her friends started to do it around the same time. She didn't even let him do anything to her besides kissing. She says realized it was a mistake, didnt get with him again, and further didn't do it to any other guy until she met me (we lost our virginity's to each other.) I know its a dumb thing to be hung up on, but I can't stop thinking "how could she do that, how could she do that at such a young age, i didn't think she was like that, should I be worried about this girl" and even dumber thoughts such as "is she a slut (obviously not), etc."I think im being insecure, as i was a shy kid and didn't even have my first kiss until i was 16, but i also received my first bj at 16.I also can't stop picturing it, as i have seen pictures of them hanging out around the same time.I think im going crazy, so any advice or reassurance would help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): "...but I recently found out..."
This is the key thing, everyone.
Nobody (including the OP) is saying his GF didn't have a right to do something sexual with a guy before him. That is not the issue.
The issue is that she did something he did not think she was CAPABLE OF DOING before he found out. It may not be important to her but it meant at least something to him. That changes his picture of her and affects his feelings. How can it not?
Its not her fault she had the "wrong" history. But its not his responsibility to know her entire correct history either. Was he misled? Lied to? How did he find out? This matters. If you are hiding your history from your partner then you DID suspect or know they would care.
Nobody has the right to tell another person what parts of their past "should" matter. It doesn't work that way anywhere else in life and it doesn't work that way in dating.
To the OP - if she lied or was misleading to you about her history, then you have every right to be upset. Break up if you want. But understand that the problem is not her history, its her being deceptive about it.
If she didn't say anything misleading and you just assumed wrong about her past, then this is something you need to deal with & accept.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 July 2015):
 So it was OK for YOU to GET a blowjob at 16, but not for HER to give one at 15?
That's absurd.
We ALL make DUMB mistakes. Some are due to peer pressure, some to inexperience (my guess is this guy manipulated her fairly well into thinking it was no big deal) some are made out of CURIOSITY, insecurity, YOU name it.
BUT you need to cut it out.
WHAT she did before you two got together is NOT your business. SHE (as well as you) are ALLOWED to have made mistakes in the past - I'm sure you will BOTH make more as you grow up and mature.
Don't MAKE her regret being with you, or having her first time with you, ALL the while you are JUDGING her for doing something YOU did too!
But like Tisha mentioned LOOK up posts from YoS he is pretty great at explaining RJ and how to deal with it.
YOU DO need to deal with it. ASAP.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 July 2015):
 A blow job with a random single guy, no big deal. But with a guy who's had a girlfriend while just used her as a thing on the side, you might wonder if she has self esteem problems.
If it's done out of curiosity, horniness, rebelliousness, it would be accepted more than if it's done because of peer pressure. The combination of willing to help someone cheat, be the other woman and doing something because everyone else's doing it, maybe a hard pill to swallow.
The revelation is more than just she did a blow job when young. It's a few facts than made you question her as a person, and your compatibility together.
I find that men who were bothered by retroactive jealousy is the fact that a girl can give away sex so easily to a guy who doesn't deserve it but would not show the same enthusiasm towards her serious boyfriend who's a nice gentleman. I understand women have the freedom to do whatever they want but that doesn't take away the unpleasantness the guy feels.
She either is the right girl for you or not. Maybe the thing you have to obsess about is whether this relationship is working. If years pass by and you are still struggling with this issue, then this girl is not the one.
Many people would have pasts. You don't have to find a virgin but at least be with someone who does not rub it in your face so much about the fact that bad guys get sex while good guys work hard and get little.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 July 2015):
 What's so sad and poignant about this post is that the OP reports he can't stop picturing an event he wasn't involved in at all (that fabled blow job) yet he 'enjoyed' a blow job at age 16 and apparently there's no retroactive enjoyment of that event.
I have seen so many posts here from men (and a few women) suffering from retroactive jealousy that I think there is a syndrome here. I posted an article about it here http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html and there are many posts by this aunt http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos who has experienced and moved past this issue.
I think what you may need to understand is that this isn't a moral issue for you (you were happy enough to receive a blowjob at age 16) but more of an obsessional thinking problem.....
How could she do that at such a young age? you ask. Oh, my goodness, you don't have any idea about how young women are pressured to be sexual before they are really ready or formed as adults.
I hope you read these links through and have enough empathy to realize that this is not all about you at all. :) Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (12 July 2015):
 I also had my first kiss at 16... did nothing sexual until age 19... and my first sexual partner was a guy my age, a virgin in the traditional way, who had previously gotten a BJ in his mid-teens. Did this make him a bad person or a bad partner for me? Not at all. He was honest about it when we started dating and it never came up again in our relationship.On that note, two things: 1) Some guy somewhere is dating (or will date) the girl - I assume it was a girl? - who gave you a BJ at age 16. 2) If discovering one's sexuality is such an unforgivable thing for young women to be doing, why did you allow this other girl to give you a BJ at 16... but not stay with her forever after she did so? By your own logic, you have ruined that first girl for anyone else she may meet in the future. All so you could have a BJ!(I don't think you actually believe that, but I hope that pointing out the inconsistency in how you view this situation will help you not to punish your girlfriend for her past when you have a very similar one - and have created a very similar situation for someone else!)I absolutely DO think this is something you need to work on getting past, because even if you don't stay with this particular girl, women you meet in the future are very likely to have sexual pasts of their own. According to one set of statistics, the average age for virginity loss in North America is 16 and a half. Another study points out that by age 23, 95% of women have had sex. And expecting your female partner to be a virgin when you are no longer one yourself is hypocritical in addition to being unrealistic.The poster who wrote to you that what you are feeling is not "jealousy" because that would mean wanting to have given the BJ to another man yourself misunderstood the advice that other aunts have given you here. Retroactive jealousy is a very real thing and it does *not* mean that you are jealous of your partner's ROLE in past sex acts; it means you are jealous that your partner has previously experienced love, sex, or happiness with someone OTHER than you. This is a spot-on assessment of what you've described feeling; the advice to research it through Google and seek therapy if need be is sound and I second it. The site Retroactive Jealousy Crusher (http://www.retroactivejealousycrusher.com/category/retroactive-jealousy-blog/) also has some great tips for moving past this sort of thing.Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes moving forward!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (12 July 2015):
 If you love her, why do you keep a record of her past wrongs?
What good will her wrong do for the purity of her with which you are in love with?
Why do you appropriate emotional pain for her own violation of herself?
No chaste man keeps account of someone else’s evil, so why do you?
Unlike others, I don't mean to accuse you because you are haunted by the image of her, kneeling on the guy's crotch, being thrusted. Nor is the "jealousy" that can describe what you feel because no straight dude would ever feel jealous that it wasn't him, instead of his woman, giving that BJ! Ridiculous.
Retroactive for sure, but I could list 10 rational reasons here why you should not feel this way but the problem is that they are all too rational to sooth the irrational emotion that is raging inside you.
So why don't you search your soul a little... ponder on questions above and feel for yourself how anybody's past transgressions could ever be the love that is so tender and loving like your GF is to you? Is it her transgressions that make her touch and kiss so sweet to you, or is it her purity that melts your heart into bits?
No human is blameless so when the Lady Aunts here are accusing you of a "double standard" all they are trying to say is for you not to place yourself in the position of a judge and jury because you are not without transgressions yourself. We can all judge human action, but we cannot judge the human... and you, by asking how could she, are judging her on something that she has done, not against you, but against herself. Why do you appropriate the pain that isn't yours to yourself? For all you know, she may have told you about her sexual past in order to release her own regret about it, and there, you are emotionally stoning her for it.
Since you are so capable of creating the image of her transgression then make an image of her goodness, grace and beauty then use this "good" image to fight your bad one that you have described to us.
Allow your mind to beat the bad image with the image of her love, beauty and grace. Let that victory be daily... while you walk, stare, daze or at the gym running... Just as you allowed yourself to be mentally haunted by the image of her transgressions you sure can become haunted by the image of her purity, grace and love for you. All you have to do is choose to.
You can do it.
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A
female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (12 July 2015):
 I grew up in a very Christian background and I fell pregnant before I was married. I was told at the time, I would have to apologise to my future husband for being with another man! At 19 I believed that! Does the above sound silly to you? Do you beileve women have to apologise for their sexual history? Because I will tell most girls/ women will tell you to shove they double standards! As you grow up you see the world isn't so clear cut. The man I'm with now has a past and so do I, but it is irrelevant, thats the past nothing to do with him or me.What does matter is who we are to each other now and remaining faithful to each other. If we were to break up should I apologise for being in a relationship with him to the new man? Hell NO!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 July 2015):
 You do realize you're being utterly silly and ridiculous, right? What your gf did before meeting you is really none of your business! And if you're actually thinking of her as a slut just because of one action from her past, then you actually dont deserve her and she's much better off without you.
How could she do that? Because she wanted to and at that time she felt it was right.
You didnt think she was like "that"...you know what, thats *your* problem. This is a classic Madonna-Whore complex. You either view the woman as a saintly virgin Madonna’s or as a sexual 'whores'.
I dont think I can say anything except Get Over It. Your girlfriend's past should be of no concern to you. And YOU have yourself had a blowjob when you were 16, meaning that it was from someone else. So what does that make you? You're so quick to judge her but you're no saint either!
Sexual experiences are a part of everyone's lives. If you cant accept that then you are not ready for a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2015): Firstly, I understand how you feel, but lemme assure you, you are worrying over something so trivial. Its not even something that should cross your mind. She did what she did before she met you. So even if she slept with someone, its none of your business. And wanting to be intimate is something every human loves, enjoys and most importantly NEEDS! So, she was ready at 15 and you at 16. How is one year making her a slut...and if she is a slut, so are you!
So, now its ur choice either you value what you have in hand by trusting her, (remember she lost her virginity to you, and you ought to trust her even she wouldn't have lost her virginity to you) and being nice, or you break up and let her find someone worth it and you find someone worth it too.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (12 July 2015):
So you got a BJ at 16 and she gave one at 15, yet you are judging her and slut shaming her?!
You do realise what a double standard that is right? That it's ok for the guy to accept sexual favours with no recriminations, but the woman who did it is made to feel like she's no longer as valuable afterwards? Honestly, this sort of thinking really makes me mad.
What you are experiencing is retroactive jealousy - Google it and you'll find lots of information on what it is and what can be done. Some people have had success with therapy, but others never seem to get over it. I'd suggest you take every step to get over this toxic mindset, but if you find you can't get over it then end the relationship. It's not fair to stay and punish her for a choice she made before you even knew her.
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