A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm expecting my first child and I'm really excited about it. I have always wanted a child since I can remember, and when I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. My problem is I'm not in a relationship with the father, and apart from a few nights together, we never have been. We both ended relationships around the same time, and as we work together, we were talking about how we missed certain things which come from relationships. He sent me a text a few days later, basically saying that he was up for a night together if I was. I was silly and said yes. I enjoyed it so we did it again and it lasted for a few weeks. Then his ex got back in touch with him and he told me they were getting back together, which I was upset about because I had started to have feelings for this guy. But I got over it and moves on. We did use protection but clearly it failed. I was on the pill, and we used a condom although once he did pull out. Now I'm working with him still, he is back with his girlfriend, and believes we are friends. I know his reaction will be bad, his relationship would be at risk but obviously he is going to find out because of work. I'm needing advice on how to approach this gently. I'm 10 weeks so in a few weeks I will need to inform work and I don't want him to think that it's not his or that I kept it from him. I'm 22, he is 23.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 July 2015):
 I have been pondering how to write my advice to you without bursting your bubble, because you WILL need all the positive energy you can get during your pregnancy and well the rest of your life.
BUT I find it pretty SELFISH of you to do this. I know you didn't get pregnant on purpose (at least I TRULY) hope not.
YOU need to tell him ASAP.
You also NEED to make sure YOU have a support net for you and the baby, because you might not be able to rely on him at all.
I don't know how Child maintenance works in the UK, but that might BE all you will get from him. BE prepared for that.
See him IN person AWAY from work.
THEN inform your employer. (and no they do NOT need to know who the baby daddy is, nor should you tell them)
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 July 2015):
 I suggest you get him alone - outside of earshot of anybody and everybody that you and he know..... and say to him: "You know, Bunky, those few times that we did nik-nik? Welll.... now I am going to be a Mother, and YOU are going to be a father.... How do you suppose we should handle this?"
How he reacts will tell you what you face... and - armed with THAT information - you can make a reasonable decision. Don't expect that the Aunts and Uncles on here can help until all the information is in.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (12 July 2015):
Dear OP,I don't think there's a gentle approach, because this means a dramatic change of both your life and his. You should aknowledge that and not try to play it down. Your pregnancy will come as a huge shock to him. You didn't give him a chance to decide whether or not he wants to have a child at his young age, so don't expect him to be happy or eager to get involved beyond the minimum. (even if I hope it will turn out different for you). As for yourself, you will need a lot of support from other people than him. If you want to keep working, you will need people to look after the baby. You will need financial, moral and practical help. Start reaching out now, talk to your parents and the people close to you.
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A
female
reader, Godmother.Shiba  +, writes (12 July 2015):
Having a child with someone who wants to be the father may be a good idea. You are quite young and this may not be the right time or place of your life to be a mother, that too a single one. Having a child is not as easy as it seems, tis involves a lot of things and being a single mother wont be easy. So unless you dont have a partner, it may not be the best idea to have a child. At least not when you are as young as 22. You have a long life ahead, you may rather focus and find the right guy and then have a baby too :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2015): First, actively start seeking a new workplace whilst on maternity leave.You can't leave your place now,but essentially you don't want the drama.You want a happy pregnancy. But you don't want to go back there if there is too much drama.It seems to me that you don't care if he is there or not (as in being an involved father), you just want him to know that it is his,so he can make up his own mind whether to be involved or not. Am I right?In which case, I'd invite him for a work lunch, set up a brief 20-30min meeting around lunchtime if you have to (like if he is avoiding you),but if you are friends then I'll say just invite him for a lunch close to your workplace but somewhere they have those booths (you know, the individual ones) or a table a little further from everybody else (in case other people from your workplace are nearby,you don't want them to overhear).Alternatively, you can say you need to talk to him,but would rather discuss it over drinks after work if that's ok?Then pick a bar with similar atmosphere (i.e. one where you can talk freely) away from your workplace.Then, once he gets here tell him in straight text:"I'm pregnant. It is yours. I do not expect anything from you. Whether you are involved or not is your decision,but I'm keeping our child. I'm sorry I did not have the courage to tell you earlier-I was making up my mind and also I did not want to spoil things between you and your gf. I know that this a lot to process,so I don't expect an answer now. I'll let you process things. Thank you for coming. Bye."That's it. It's big news to process and you need to give him time. Don't get too emotional or too involved in the first stages of telling him-you don't know how he will react and also feelings might change overnight.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2015): Actually it is your duty to tell him because the baby is his as much as is yours and see what his reaction will be, then act accordingly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2015): I think you need to prepare yourself for him to either deny it is his child or refuse any involvement. Prepare yourself for it and then should he have a conscience and react better than this it is a bonus. Your workplace do not need to pry into who the father is, you can just inform them you are expecting a child. I would suggest you let this guy know soon. You're going to have to tell him before you tell your employer. You could write to him, but personally I think maybe you should arrange to see him in person away from work and let him know face to face. Good luck.
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