A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:6 months into our relationship my girlfriend went on holiday and I later foundout that she had a threesome with two men she met in a nightclub while she wasaway. After she said it was just a crazy one off I forgave her. But I justcan't get the thought of her with the two guys out of my head and I feelinsecure like I can never compete with this. I really love her and I want tostay together - should I ask for details of what happened? Porn scenarios keeprunning through my head and it does affect me sexually. I've tried topsychoanalyse why she did it. Can I ever really trust her or will she want to dothis again in the future? She admits to have done it before and enjoyed it. Shetold her friends about it in a positive way which is how I found out.
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on holiday, porn, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, flower100  +, writes (3 April 2014):
I'm sorry this happened to you. I've had a similar experience. No matter how much you love her you'll never get it out of your head. She lied and bragged. The trust is gone. I don't think you should ask for details is only going to hurt more and make you feel insecure trust me. If she's your fiancé good luck during marriage, honestly if she cheated means she's unhappy imagine 40+ years from now? It only gets worse as you remember it and this is truly unforgivable. Does she even feel remorse?
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 March 2014):
Not only did she cheat on you, she cheated on you with two men at one time, lied about it, then bragged to her friends about it.
I cannot possibly fathom how a man could even consider staying with her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): I would demand the right to have a threesome with two other women on my own sometime. Whether you do it or not its still the principle of the thing. If she won't agree to it then she is obviously not serious about making this up to you. If she will allow it then you get to stop feeling quite so taken advantage of. If she is not very upset about you doing it then you haven't lost anything either.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Some things you can never forget or get over. This is one of those things. You can forgive her, and that's good and all. But you can't force yourself to forget, you can't force yourself to not feel hurt by it. It's supposed to hurt, being cheated on is not supposed to feel okay. You need to allow yourself to react to this, that it is actuay quite NORMAL that you are reacting to it. Your mind and body is telling you this isn't right.
Some people are able to live with it. Doesn't mean they forget, or that it stops hurting, just means they live with it. But most people can't, hence why it's a deal breaker in most reationships. Even if you were official or not, even if she didn't know you were exclusive... It still hurts, and there is NO way to make it stop hurting, except take a few years and see if it hurts less with time.
It's like asking how to stop feeling sad because someone died... It's normal to react, you're supposed to react, and it never stops hurting, unless you forget that it happened. The only thing is, it might hurt less with time.
If you try to soldier on, sure, go ahead, that is your choice. But be good to yourself and allow yourself to react, and allow yourself to walk away IF you find out it is too much to deal with. There is absolutely no point in suffering in silence for years, it serves no purpose. If you break up with her she will be happy with someone else, she will not be too damaged. Same with you. If you break up you will find someone else, maybe someone who wont hurt you this way. You really have nothing to gain by keeping at it just for the sake of keeping at it. Reember this, if things get tough. You are allowed to say "I couldn't deal with it" and walk away. You're only human, and no one on here would expect you to stay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like the rubber band idea...thanks
yes I just need to stop thinking about it...totally. It's not easy. OK Rubber band thanks forthe tip
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Details may make it worse... are you willing to risk that?
IF you are going to stay with her (and i'm fine with that) then you have to desensitize yourself to these thoughts.
put a THIN snug rubber band on your wrist. EVERY TIME you think of her with these two guys SNAP that rubber band on the underside of your wrist so it hurts. You will teach your brain that thinking about her in her MFM will cause you pain and you will stop.
This will take much time. Or you could go for biofeedback and get it done faster (but it will cost a lot of money)
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 February 2014):
My reply didn't tell you to break up, I said that you're feeling this way for a good reason. You can't just turn it off, it's not like you have a psychological problem.
The only remedy is to figure out why she cheated and to solve that problem, which it looks like you've done (meaning make sure she realizes you're in a committed relationship!), and wait for the memories to fade. That's it.
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male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Greetings,I'll make this plain1.) She kept it secret form you - Indicates she knew how you'd react2.) She told her friends in a positive way - Means she holds no remorse3.) 6 months into the relationship and she feels you two aren't exclusive? - This indicates that it isn't as real as you wantedConclusion - Either make it clear how you feel and work with her to understand how much she has hurt you or just walk away
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! thanks for all your thoughts. I had no idea this would get such a reaction. I guess I've decided that we're going to stay together so it's not about getting rid of her that I'm asking about. I'm not sure that she "bragged" to her friends more confided in them. What I'm trying to figure out is how I deal with it mentally as I don't get the whole mmf thing and it plays on my mind (like everyday!) Ironically we got drunk last night and spoke about it with truth and I said how it has affected me. She is sorry and I have forgiven her and I want us to be together - what the question is - is how do I mentally stop thinking about her with two men and all the conatations involved. The only experiences of a mmf I know is from porn films and it upsets me to think of the woman I love doing that. So maybe details will help...or not...? Thanks for the advice.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (28 February 2014):
Tell her your relationship can only move forward/be salvaged if she and a pretty girlfriend are willing to have a M/FF threesome with you thus making things even. Have it, then drop her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): She bragged about it to others = she does not respect you and she would do it again if given the chance. Guilt alone is not nearly enough to make a cheater change. But it is absolutely necessary for her to feel guilty if she was the type to ever really change. No guilt, no hope for a decent relationship with this chick.
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Why not waiting for a foursome or downright a bang bang party to understand that this girl is scoffing at you, mate ?
I know people are sometimes craving for affection, and some men have a so hard time to find a girlfriend they end up giving up part or totality of their dignity... I hope you're not willing to be such an OMeGa-male (alpha-male, beta-male, omg-male).
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 February 2014):
I'd say that you can't stop thinking about it and feeling insecure with some magic trick, mostly because she has proven untrustworthy. Your not having unwarranted feelings, this is your brain trying to protect you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): Dude, have your fun with her. She is into that. Just enjoy your time with her but then cut and run. You found a fun one do treat her as such. Don't lie to yourself here. It's a good thing if you enjoy for what it is. Good luck.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 February 2014):
 p.s. Loving someone and wanting to be with them isn't always the best thing for you in the long run. It isn't always the healthy option.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): you said, you're not asking if you should get rid of her? well, hun, when one don't feel trust in a relationship, sometimes it'll never come back, and the relationship is already broken. that is why i advise you to let go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): I am so sorry this has happened. She is a slag!. You can do so much better. There are lots of women out there who are faithful, and you deserve to be with one of those women. I'm assuming that you have never been unfaithful? ( is it ok to ask you that ? ).Please let us know what you decide to do. In my opinion, you should end the relationship with her. I wouldn't forgive someone that cheated on me. If someone really loves you, they wouldn't cheat.The way to deal with it and not think about it is to get rid of her and date someone else.She didn't know you were exclusive?. What a load of crap!. She is a liar, and an idiot. When you have been In a relationship for 6 months, of course you are expected to be faithful and exclusive. People like her really make my blood boil!.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): I know this was not your original question but I do think you should ask yourself nevertheless.
Why would you want to trust her again?
Objectively, that just doesn't make sense. Why do you think you deserve so little from your partner?
How did she believe that you were not exclusive after 6 months of being your girlfriend?
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 February 2014):
First off, glad your STD checks were ok.
Your girlfriends excuse, that she didn't know you were exclusive is nonsense and she's trying to make a fool out of you. Unless it was a FWB arrangement, of course you were exclusive at the 6 month mark. That should go without saying. She's basically saying that she didn't cheat, when she did.
You can't stop thinking about it because it's normal to feel awful when you've been cheated on, and it's impossible not to think about it. You won't feel secure with this woman because she did cheat, and she is now manipulating you into thinking it wasn't cheating, but that's bull.
I really don't wish to sound hurtful at all because I feel bad for you (having been cheated on also), but perhaps you need to stop psychoanalysing her and ask the question: why you are putting up with manipulating lies and cheating?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 February 2014):
No, you can not ever trust her. She is a cheater, and she liked it, and she bragged about it to her friends even. That speaks volumes of her character.
It's your choice, your life, but do not fool yourself. She is a cheater, and she will cheat on you again. It was not a one off. Cheating is never an accident. She didn't trip and land naked on a penis. She made several actions leading up until the point where she was in bed with two other people, and she knew exactly what she was getting herself into. It was her deiberate CHOICE to cheat. Not an accident. She can not say she will never do it again, because if she actually didn't want to do such things she wouldn't have to begin with. This is something she wanted, and she just tells you she will not do it again because she wants both you and sex on the side. She wants them both. She is selfish.
No, you would be dumb and a fool to trust her. It is your life, and the decision is a hard one, but if she cheats on you again you can not blame it on her... because you KNEW what she was like when it happened the first time.
It is time for you to decide what kind of relationship you want to be in, and if this is that kind of relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): well, i think you should let go of this chick. because firstly, she didn't tell you herself, secondly she made it sound positive to her friends, which, as Honeypie said, she thinks there's nothing wrong, and 3, this is in my opinion, once a cheater, always a cheater. and six months in to your relationship? oh please! you can do better'''
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male
reader, M Proops +, writes (27 February 2014):
I'm afraid this is going to eat at your relationship with this girl and is not going to go away.To cheat with one person is bad enough but with two is unforgivable and just shows what kind of girl she really is.There's no future in this relationship,the trust has already gone,she's not trustworthy at all.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2014):
 I find it a little surprising that 6 months into a relationship she cheats and then call it a one off. If she is YOUR age group I kind of find it a little disturbing that 1. she kept it from you (you found out about it from HER friends) and 2. that she acts so casual about it.
You write:
*****She
told her friends about it in a positive way which is how I found out.****
So she BRAGGED about it to friends, which means she SEES nothing wrong in what she did and YEA, I think she could do it again given the opportunity.
Should you ask for detail, no. It will NOT be helpful to YOU.
What you DO need to do is decide if you feel you can trust her and WANT to be with her or IF her cheating is a deal-breaker.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know the details about what hapenned, but I've been tested since it's all cool
she didn't seem off but then I trusted her, she says she didn't know we were exclusive
I'm not asking whether to get rid of her or not it's more about how I deal with it and stop thinking about it and feeling insecure. thanks for the advice though
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): Did she even use protection? Not one but double the risk of infecting you with some nasties.
I'm all for forgiving when there is genuine remorse and the relationship was strained (up to an extent).
But if you thought your relationship was great.
And she didn't seem 'off' or act weird after coming back, and she only confessed after you'd accidentally found out. I'd get rid.
I would get rid of her. Who's to say she won't do it again? Who's to say that you will find out next time she does it?
No thank you.
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