A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My step mother seems to be utterly obsessed with me. She is paranoid that my Dad favours me over her, (we do have a strong relationship but I'm his DAUGHTER not his lover) I was open to her in the beginning when she proposed to him after barely knowing each other they got married two years ago. However even though I gave her many chances she screwed them up, even after me trying to explain to her where she was going wrong. She's proved herself to be materialistic, superficial, really negative (yes this is a bit of a negative post I'm aware I'm not perfect either ) Basically we have nothing in common and I don't honestly believe she makes my Dad happy. She's really hyper sensitive, bitter and always moaning about something. I know for a fact she bitches about me to my sisters and whoever else listens. Yet as I see it, she is creating a massive problem where there doesn't need to be one. Just because she is married to my Dad, I don't see why I have to have any sort of meaningful relationship with her. We don't live in the same area, we have nothing in common, and I actively disagree with many of her views and outlooks on life. I can't stand the way she has decorated my Dads house, her obsession with shopping and shoes. They way she is constantly posting multiple pictures of her face on Facebook, even though she is not very attractive (to put it nicely)However she seems determined that we should be 'best friends' despite the fact it's pretty clear she doesn't like me - I think she's just desperate for me to respond to her manipulative ways. Am I bad person because I don't want to pretend to be her friend when I don't like her? I am always civil in her company just don't act super friendly as it would be a lie..I have 4 siblings younger than me and none of them can stand her either but they all pretend to be friendly with her to her face and then bitch about her behind her back, which I find kind of annoying. I am perceived as 'problematic' because I dont play along with the fake game like everyone else. Well my brother doesn't either but he's also too shy to stand up to her.I honestly did give her a chance, several in fact but she bad mouths my Mum, bullies my younger brother, gives my Dad a hard time and generally is an annoying, whingeing nightmare! We thankfully don't live in the same area but every time I go home she makes a big issue out of me being back in the same town as her (I stay with my Mum and my very pleasant step dad when I go back home) She will then manipulate my dad by giving him such a hard time, constant nagging and not eating or sleeping, silent treatment etc so that he then begs me to spend some time with her to calm her down. Which I do, we go out for dinner with my Dad and make polite small talk (and I bite my toungue at all her stupid/hypocritical/spoilt comments), but even when I do that, it's never enough for her. I don't think she will be satisfied till we are 'best buddies' who 'go for cocktails and lattes' which frankly is never going to happen. I really love my Dad so I try my best to make him happy but he knows my true feelings about his wife. He says he is trapped between a rock and a hard place which makes me sad but what can I do?It's got to the point that I really want to delete her from my facebook friend list but she will probably go catatonic if I do that. I'd also like to delete her two kids from my FB list, as nice as they are, I just want to sever all contact with her and retain some privacy. Maybe I have to delete my Dad as well :( If I do this though it could make life very uncomfortable for example when I have to go home for Christmas and have to see her and her children. She's been giving me guilt trips (through my siblings passing on the message that if me and her can't be friends it is going to ruin her marriage with my dad. This is a ridiculous thing for her to suggest considering I rarely go home and what have I got to do with their marriage anyway? I feel manipulated, frustrated and annoyed by her, i just want her out of my life but don't want to hurt my dad. She doesn't let him have any time alone with me anymore, he used to come and visit me more but now he just talks about it and it never happens. He just wants an 'easy life' so he says but then I don't know why he married someone so neurotic. They are so different, I can't see how they are compatible at all. It's not my business though and if he says he's happy with her that's good enough for me. I just don't want to have a fake relationship with her.Please help...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello this is the OP here. Thank you so much to all respondents (other than marie claire who appeared to not bother reading what I wrote before commenting. I know it was long but come on!!) A good spectrum of advice folks and I mulled over it for a day before taking the plunge just there. I suppose I had added 'encouragement' after having dinner tonight with my brother and his girlfriend who told me she was mortified last week when they went round to visit my dad and the minute my brother was out of the room, my step mum started quizzing her about her parents recent divorce and then began talking about how MY mum and dad split their money during their divorce proceedings. Errrr, inappropriate or what? Poor girl was so embarrassed and didn't know what to say...Anyway, Step mum is now 'deleted' (from Facebook only alas) and I went one step further and deleted all our mutual 'friends' who mostly included people I met at their wedding but don't have any relationship with, her two kids (sent them a pleasant explanatory note that I was just downsizing my FB and it was nothing personal to them) and unfortunately I had to delete my Dad as well because I know he leaves his laptop lying around logged into FB.Facebook Drama oh my!!If she goes catatonic, I will just have to handle it. But the consensus here seemed to agree with my gut feeling that its only stupid facebook, it shouldn't mean anything and at the end of the day it's MY facebook so I can be friends with exactly who I please. Im glad I will now have absolutely no online reminders about her existence.Argggghhh, just waiting for the fall out. You will probably find me back on Dear Cupid asking for more advice on the next episode of the saga. I do appreciate all the great aunts and uncles here who take the time to share their experiences and wisdom. It's such a great service and saves me from having to 'whine' to anyone in my day to day life.Moving on for now, thanks again xxx
A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (17 September 2011):
 I agree with anonymous. She is controlling and manipulating your dad and trying to do the same with you. She whines and throws a fit like a child and gets what she wants because your dad won't stand up to her. Don't give in to her too. You have a life, you have a mind, you can dislike someone. I don't do the fake bullcrap either. And by having to do things you don't want to do to keep her from throwing a fit?? Excuse me but F*** that. And another poster told you to grow up..? You are being forced to dinner and martini outings with a woman you can't stand or she will not eat or sleep? Who is the one that needs to grow up here? I can't stand people who think everyone should do as they say or they can act however they want until they get it. My father is exactly this way and my mother is just like your dad, tries to keep the peace. She won't stand up to him and expects me to kiss his ass and be nice/do what he wants and I refuse to. People need to deal with stuff they don't like sometimes, that is life. No one should be able to have everything they want all the time. I wish, like my mom, your dad would stand up to her. But you can't make him. So if he wants to get walked all over there isn't much you can do. But don't for a second let her childish manipulative crap have you doing things you don't want to. The world doesn't revolve around her and maybe someone should let her know it.
And about FB, I also disagree with a previous poster, it isn't childish to want someone you dislike off of you page and out of your personal comments that are for FRIENDS. She talks crap behind your back and makes your dad depressed and stressed out, delete her ass. And when she throws her latest fit ignore it. Your dad should get a backbone and also not be so selfish as to expect you to deal with her and be friends so she won't flip out. Does he tell her to calm down and be nice to you?? Doubt it. Everyone needs to stop bending over backwards for this witch. If you don't want the awkwardness during the holidays by deleting her, just do as RedAthena said and go into the settings and block her from seeing your posts.
Sorry if I seemed to go off a lot btw, I just can't stand my dad and this was exactly what my parent's relationship is like. He is awful and I can understand what you are going through with your stepmom, luckily you can avoid her easier. Don't let anyone control your life or guilt trip you into doing fake crap and things you don't want to do, life is too short.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 September 2011):
 Just delete her.
If you care about your Dad then all you owe him is to be civil and polite to his wife... whether you actually like her or not is completely up to you.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 September 2011):
 You can delete whomever you please off of your Facebook. It's FB, not like you're deleting her out of your life. You really can't because she's your father's wife. She'll be around as long as he'll have her.
However, there's no need to communicate with her outside of when you have to, I'm assuming holidays etc.
Just when you're in her presence it's best to be as polite as you can muster, you're doing it for your father's sake, not hers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): I completely disagree with RedAthena. She's basically suggesting that you should keep the toxicity in your life to keep your father happy. That, in itself, is manipulation and quite frankly, unbelievably selfish on your father's part. You are not married to your step-mum, so you really do not have to keep up this charade of being "buddy buddy" with her. You are your own person and will not take anyone's bullshit; if your step-mum doesn't like that, she can kiss your ass! Tell your dad that even though you want to see him happy (I honestly have no idea how he COULD be happy in that marriage), you will keep a lukewarm exterior when in the presence of this irritating bitch but you will not lie to her face.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 September 2011):
There's a reason I don't have facebook and your post made me remember it. The moment you start worrying about what you may and may not do on something as insignificant as a social networking site, it has become too important to you.
Look, it's YOUR facebook page. You choose to add and delete whomever YOU want. So delete them if you wish. Who cares about what they might think. It's just facebook, it's not a big deal. If she makes it into a big deal then that's HER problem, not yours. I honestly don't see the big deal.
As for the rest, it's an unfortunate situation, but really not your problem. Just tolerate her when you have to and if she keeps trying to be 'buddy-buddy' with you while at the same time backstabbing you, tell her the truth. There's no need to bite your tongue if it makes you feel like you're betraying yourself.
Just tell your dad that you accept his choice to be with her, but that you don't have to like her. Don't elaborate, just keep it at that. Tell him that when you meet you want to meet with him alone--without her tagging along. When you're having that conversation, use it to pick a time and date immediately.
That's what I do when trying to arrange something with friends that keep throwing the word 'soon' around. Simply arrange something the moment it comes up and don't deviate from it. That's how you keep him in your life. If this woman is not right for him, he'll find out in his own time.
So when it comes to her I suggest being the neutral ground. Don't speak lowly of her to others, don't talk about her behind her back, etc. She is not important. Your dad is. By not badmouthing her, her behavior will stand out even more. It's like they say: "don't lower yourself to the level of an idiot. They will beat you with experience."
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 September 2011):
 I would not delete her, because it might be more trouble than it is worth. However, you can hide all posts from her, so you do not see what she has to say on your profile.
Keep a cordial relationship and do not give in to her whining. You do not need to claim her as a Mum on your profile-you have one and it sounds like you quite adore her!
You should do this for the sake of your Dad, whom you love very much. He made this choice to become her husband, and he has to live with all the consequences that go with it. He may be rather passive in the arrangment.
YOu do this out of love, because if you cut her off, her little narcisstic me, me, me brain might snap and take it out on your Dad.
Since you Dad knows how you feel-strike him a deal. You will be cordial (just polite-like you would to a crazy Aunt or looney Uncle:)and help keep the peace, but in exchange you invite him out on wife-free outings with just you, or you and your siblings.
Let him know you want to keep a close bond with him, but he is going to at least have to meet you half way. If he can not make the effort, let him know that he might be seeing less and less of you, because it is too draining to put up with her neurosis.
In a nutshell: Be polite and simple. You do not need to be her buddy and it is perfectly fine to tell her directly to stuff it if she bad mouths anyone in your family. (Especially your own Mum!)
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