A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Good day everyoneI would like to ask for advice, pleaseBackgroundI am a divorced mother of 2 wonderful young children. When I met my fiance, he was known for drinking a lot. He stopped drinking during our relationship, part because I told him I am not going to raise kids in a situation like that, part because he decided himself that he moved into another stage and had enough of drinking. We do not live together.For a long time, he did not touch a drop of alcohol. I told him I think it is not necessary, one should just drink in modesty. of course he could have a drink or two, he is not an alcoholic! And I think children should see that with the proper use, there is nothing wrong with alcohol. (I do not drink at all)The kids went to their father for the weekend and he went to have a drink or two with his friends, and came back a little drunk. I feel as if he is breaking a ground rule!I sent him home, and this morning he called as if nothing happened. I told him he was drunk. He denied it at first, but after that said that I should speak in a nicer way with him.He came over, and we had a huge argument. I felt as if he tried to make me think I made a mistake for feeling the way I do. (Oh, so now you know what the difference is between drunk and tipsy etc.) I was livid. Anything I did, was now wrong. I always use my hands when talking, it is a known "trademark." Now, all of a sudden, I'm pointing him. I am talking in a disrespectful way. I pointed out what he did and told him that he shouldn't tell me that what he did wasn't wrong. He started swearing, and I told him if he was going to talk to me like a cheap woman, I might as well act like one.And then I did a terrible thing. I slapped him. I'm so ashamed. I have no excuse for my behaviour.Questions:How should I act about his drinking, making it clear that it is not acceptable, without him thinking I am disrespectful?What could I possibly do to make my shameful behaviour right? Thanking you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): Thank you for your advice. I will read books about manipulative and emotionally abuse and see how I can stop this.
A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (17 September 2011):
 Firstly it's good you have accepted that lashing out was unacceptable and it is, if he hit you I'd like to think you would be running for the hills.But I understand your feelings and how being in a relationship as you describe is very painful.I think you need to really think about your future with this person, you need to think about what YOU want, and I don't think you want to be in this 3-way relationship (him sober, him drunk and you) your dealing with two personalities maybe (I've seen the affects of alcohol as a child with an alcoholic father and a boyfriend who changed drastically when drunk) in one instant I slapped my boyfriend (not me at all) but he was shouting screaming, throwing and saying disgusting things about me that hurt more than I can even imagine.I think the best thing to do is write down all the positives all the negatives - for you. How it makes you feel, this man drove you to slap him so ask questions like "does he compliment me in a positive way, does he make me someone I don't want to be.I hope this helps, I feel for you I really doK x
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