A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can abusive men change.. I split from my ex who I know was abusive several months ago, unfortunately I.still have to have contact.as we had children. He has never openly admitted to being abusive.and had blamed me, he had apparently never been violent with any other former partners. He has several ex s whom he is still in contact with and gets along with. For a long time I carried on with him as there wasn't always violence but I reackonise emotional. We weren't.close.and I always suspected infidelity. So now I made the break he keeps sending me random messages, some just.say love you, others I miss you. Others asking to pop round with a bottle of wine, when I say no he.becomes rude and.asks how about a b job instead. Yet he.claims to of changed and realised what he has lost. Says he hates us all being apart. Is it at all possible that deep down he does have feelings but can't stand being rejected. Since we split we have not spoken about his abuse but he seems to think it can be forgiven and forgotten.
View related questions:
infidelity, my ex, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Correction...It is NOT you he wants....
A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous  +, writes (23 April 2012):
To answer your question if abuisive men can change, the answer is that they can however it takes everything in them to control their rage, often years of counselling, changing their habits and view points. But typically a majority of them say theyve change and havent. Unless theyve taken the steps, they can easily go back to their old ways. I think that is the situation you are in. He could very well love you but love on its own cannot overcome abuisive tendencies. I would not go back, especially when he gets so upset and verbally abuise when you refuse to see him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (23 April 2012):
Yes, abusive men can change, but your ex-husband hasn't. It's his tactic that has changed, and not by much by the sounds of it.
Those random messages are not motivated by genuine affection and it is YOU he wants. They are a ploy to lure you back because he wants what you give him; companionship, a clean house and a home cooked meal, sex, security and the illusion of a successful family man.
All bullies, ALL of them, only target those they believe they can push around. The way to deal with this sort of person is to be psychologically tougher, more cunning and more ruthless. Size and physical strength aren't everything and you don't have to be violent to be tough.
His wants and feelings already take centre stage with him so don't you waste time or effort worrying about them. Your ex-husband always looked out for himself. You look out for you and your kids and stop trying to find some buried kernel of meaning beneath his actions. His deeds don't need to be deciphered. They speak volumes about his lack of confidence and character.
Act completely disinterested in him and what little you do have to say to him say with confidence (fake it until you make it) and be totally unapologetic.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): OP you need to take the power back and reassert control over your life. He still has his claws in, you need to come to an arrangement where he can no longer play these mind games and you need to do it soon. He's a scum bag. Now you have lots of options here OP. The UK are very, very strict legally when it comes to abusers, tell him to stop talking to you that way, stop responding and take legal action if he continues. The UK is very protective of women in your situation and you can have him up on so many charges that he will never mess with you again.
Stop letting him play games with your life and take the power back.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): Of course they can't change, especially with the woman who lets them abuse her, which you are still letting him do with his fucked up mind games.
OP why are you using the kids as an excuse to keep in contact with him? Why are you letting your kids be his ace in the deck against you?
One of my ex's was a single mother with an abusive ex. When we first started dating and she showed me the texts that he was sending her, stuff similar to that, I told her I couldn't be with a girl who lets herself be treated that way still and I would have to move on. She used the kid excuse too, that they needed to be in contact just in case. I told her if she couldn't find a way to move on then I would have to, so she asked her father to be mediator between the two of them. Gave her father his number and vice versa and then blocked him in all communications, email, blocked his number on her phone etc. It worked too, he wasn't going to say any of that shit to her father and rarely rang him about anything, funnily enough he stopped ringing up to make excuses about why he would be late or couldn't the kid etc. Sure he tried ringing her from friends phones when drunk but she just blocked each one every time he did and she just stopped answering private numbers too.
You have absolutely not reason to let him to continue to abuse you and he is. You should stop this OP because he's keeping you tied to him and that makes you a very risky prospect for any future guys.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 I don't know about all men, but this one no, won't change. He does not even admit that he was doing anything wrong, and he blames it on you ! As if you were the only evil witch with the power to bring out the mean abusive vein from his good natured self !
He obviously does not think he has a problem, or in fact,that he IS the problem, he thinks you are the problem. So, regardless of what he says , how can he change if he hasn't even started with taking responsibility and being repentant ?
As a matter of fact, his actions aren't those of a changed man. When he's denied sex he becomes rude and tries to boss you around. It looks like he cares about having things his way, that's for sure. That he cares about you, that's way more debatable, and, with his track record, I would not even bother putting him to the test, if I were you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 April 2012):
I don't know about all men, but this one no, won't change. He does not even admit that he was doing anything wrong, and he blames it on you ! As if you were the only evil witch with the power to bring out the mean abusive vein from his good natured self !
He obviously does not think he has a problem, or in fact,that he IS the problem, he thinks you are the problem. So, regardless of what he says , how can he change if he hasn't even started with taking responsibility and being repentant ?
As a matter of fact, his actions aren't those of a changed man. When he's denied sex he becomes rude and tries to boss you around. It looks like he cares about having things his way, that's for sure. That he cares about you, that's way more debatable, and, with his track record, I would not even bother putting him to the test, if I were you.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 April 2012):
 I don't think it can ever be forgiven or forgotten...can it?
Ask yourself what it is you are hoping for. If it is that you hope he turns into a different person or that somehow you will magically be able to tolerate his abuse for the rest of your life, or that it won't affect your children...then I think you are going to be very dissapointed.
I understand love, I understand fear of loneliness, I also understand the worry you have for your children, but none of it can be used as a defence against the absolute horror and misery that abusive people put upon others. In your mind he is something that in reality he is not.
'when I say no he.becomes rude and.asks how about a b job instead'
what does this really say about him? Even in the midst of trying to get you back he resorts to his true nature and basically treats you like a piece of shit.
It's a very difficult thing to decide whether to go it alone, but there are all kinds of systems in place to help you. Your kids deserve a stable home life and an abusive cheating father (even if he is only abusive to you)should not be part of the deal. You deserve to be treated better than this and if he is ever going to change, he has to prove that he has over a good length of time. Whilst he is trying to change, he needs to be on his own so that he doesn't slip back or think he has gotten away with anything.
Take him back now?...well you had better prepare yourself for a life of hell.
You need to make a serious and committed stand to show him you cannot and will not put up with his shit.
Get on with your own life and be there for your kids.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 April 2012):
if he doesn't even admit that he was abusive, and blames everything on you, then nope it's practically a given that he will not change.
he 'needs' you for his own benefit but he doesn't love you or care one bit about you. he won't leave you alone because he needs to have someone in his life to heap his abuse on and you were the most recent so you're the easiest target to work on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): Don't fall into the trap of getting involved with him again. He presents all the traits of an abusive man - and no he won't change. Whether or not he has been abusive in previous relationships, he has been with you and it's not your fault. Do not for a second fall for this line that somehow you are to blame. If you read anything about this type of abuse you will see women are often pulled back or can't seem to get away from this type of man who professes to love them but treats them like dirt. So don't wobble. Be firm and see him when you need to for your children but nothing more beyond.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Who cares about his deep down feelings?? Who cares about his changing? Who cares about his random messages? Who cares???
He will not change! NO WAY. Abuse is abuse.
If you have escaped the abuse and broken free of him, why would you run back to him? RUN AWAY FROM HIM! Block his email. Block his texts. Block his friend requests!
If you have kids together, why would you let him abuse them?? Let your communication with him be in the form of his child support payments and through the court system, because if he's this abusive, physically and mentally, he needs to be kept away.
Your kids are all that matter. If he's in their life, conversation must be businesslike and only about them.
Seriously, his way of trying to get back together with you is to bring a bottle of wine over, and then asking for a blowjob when you decline? What a Cassanova. He hasn't changed. He will never change. He will never ever ever ever ever ever change. If you ever entertain the thought of returning to him, ask a friend to throw an apple at your forehead to knock some sense into you.
If you are contemplating any single nostalgic feeling for him, repeat the apple throwing. Stop every hint of any feelings for him. If the thought "I still love him" crosses your mind, give your own tongue a good, strong yank. Then write every abusive thing he's ever said to you out on paper and read them aloud. If that doesn't work, ask yourself how you'd feel if you let him back into your life and he hurt your kids worse than he hurt you.
...............................
|
