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*agshox
writes: So I've been married for 6 years, been with my wife 11 years and have never come close to having an affair or even flirt with another woman. Out of nowhere this "girl next door" literally, I can easily see into her bedroom while standing in front of my house, has moved in, she's younger, we get along great, and I'm finding myself being very attracted to her.Without even trying to force anything we've ended up walking our dogs together and thus spending time getting to know each other without my wife being there. Sometimes I know we both feel like we're on some date because we find all these things we have in common.I'm a believer in "things happen for a reason". I'm a very honest, honerable guy who would never cheat on my wife, but I'm trying to figure out why would I have to be tempted by such a nice girl when I wasn't looking for anything close to it. Sometimes I feel I get along way better with this new girl than my wife. What should I do about this???? So confused....
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (15 December 2006):
 You don't have to stop thinking about her. Let it be your fantasy, not a goal though. Start to treat your wife to a ;itt;e more special attention. Of ccourse your wife doesn't moind you walking the dog with her. She doesn't know your thoughts.
Your wife is doing all the right stuff. She's giving you freedom to be socialble with another woman and you're blowing it. One more thing, you've started thinking that this other woman would be such a great mom.....that's BS !! How the !#@$ do you know that? NOBODY knows if a person will be a good parent until they actually live the job. You're trying to put the other woman in a better light than your wife by inserting her in some hypothetical scenario. She might also be a better, cook, sexual partner, car washer, singer, painter.......see my point?
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male
reader, wagshox +, writes (15 December 2006):
wagshox is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all the input everybody. So let me try to answer some of these questions. We have no kids yet after 6 years of marriage and the girl next door just happened to enter at interesting time in our lives. Me and the wife were in the process of buying our first house, that also means we'll be moving in a month as we've found one so that almost makes my decision for me to stop spending time with her.
I meet this girl about 3 months ago and I know this won't be over. Her and my sister are becoming good friends I know I'm going to be running into her here and there as much as I want to avoid it all.
Yes, my relationship with my wife is not all I want it to be at times, its good and we get along great, don't fight much, we probably could be more intimate though. We do have alot of history and I know that I don't wanna throw that away.
To be honest, yes if she lost a few pounds I'd probably be more attracted to her, my wife knows, she tries, I think she can try harder and not just for apperance, for health reasons too. The other girl is physically more attractive but I'm attracted to her mentally as well. 99% of the time I see her she's in sweats and a baseball cap.
I want to have kids, she sometimes says she doesn't right now, maybe in a couple years, I feel that could become a big issue with us. The other girl I know wants kids too and then I start thinking what a great mom she could be.
My wife knows her, but the reason me and this girl go walking without her is because my wife hates walking the dog, simple as that. I love to and hey having some company is great. The wife is fine with it, she doesn't think anything of it, they're not best friends but they say hi to each other when she sometimes comes to the house so I'm not sneaking around my wife's back. I'm being totally honest to her except for saying, "hey honey, I think I like the girl next door". The wife doesn't need to hear that, I know its my problem.
So I totally don't wanna blow my life up right now, but all these things just worked out so conveinently that me and this girl end up spending time together. I'm trying to avoid it, the dog walking will stop, but when will I get her out of my head? I can't stop her from being my sister's friend either and since we're close this girl will be back around.
Thanks again everyone.
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (14 December 2006):
 You know, of course you feel like you get along better with her and so your attracted to her...big deal.
First of all. You have no baggage with her and so it's easy to chat and get along.
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR WIFE.....That is just crazy because it isn't just the WIFE you leave...its you kids and the whole family.
If you WANT to be friends with her....then the next time you spend time with her...INCLUDE your wife. Be her friend as a couple...not her friend on the Sneak. Sure she looks more attractive right this minute...you have not seen Her in the morning with unbrushed teeth and dealt with any of her flaws....and you have seen the flaws of your wife....and she yours.
Right now you feel chemicals of attraction....so your mind looks for things you have in common and you are beginning the process of convincing yourself to have a go with the young sexy neighbor....it will add some spark and mystery in your life.(even though you are also telling yourself....You would never...blah blah)
except...your looking longingly at the possibility....that is the little head talking and the chemicals worming their way into your judgement saying "come on,nobody will find out and maybe she's the one your really going to have a perfect life with...have a go...take a chance...everything happens for a reason...think how wonderful she is...it will all turn out for the best"
....what you would really get is sadness, hurt feelings, guilt and seeing your wife's heart break at your betrayal and watching love turn to disgust and tears. (be care fullll, you only get one chance not to break your wifes heart...she may forgive you...but would never forget)
Those are very hard things to live with my dear.
And, the old excuse of "I didn't mean to hurt you." Is a bunch of poop. Right now, if you take the relationship with the neighbor a step further....You are intentionally choosing to hurt your wife (and this is not the definition of cherish) for your own ends. If you choose to have an affair of any sort....your making that decision and you must own that. It is not going to "Just Happen" or be accidental....
If you were to happen to let the little head make decisions....the big head is still to blame.
May I ask why you are standing on your front lawn...LOOKING in her windows? Hey I can get on my roof and with binoculars see right into my neighbors house probably over all the trees....but I am not doing that. And when the neighbors take me up in their plane...we can see in another neighbors back yard and look at the pool...sometimes I have heard the neighbor skinny dips...and the pilot neighbor (a girl) Says when the wind blows just right and she has to take off in that direction...she has started calling them...to warn them to cover up a bit. You can choose to be a gentleman...or a peeping tom.
The people we fall in love with are determined by a)proximity b) what we tell ourselves about them c) chemicals...that is all love is. You Choose to love someone or not. Right now your mind is playing you...get back in charge and be who you want to be...control your temptation, don't let it control you. Maybe that is her purpose...to show you that you are able to have a friend and be attracted and yet never choose to act in a way that makes you think less of yourself.
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (14 December 2006):
 Hi there,
I think its easy for this to happen, and will happen to a lot of people in there lives, so dont blame yourself for that.
HOWEVER, You most likely only see this girl when she is out and about, she is a bit carefree, younger and maybe more attractive than the wife. Or is she?
I wonder if this girl was doing all the things your wife does for you, the cooking and cleaning looking after the kids? if you have any. Would she still seem so glam to you.
Unless you and your wife have not been getting on, and there has always been love on both sides until now, I am not sure why you would do this.
Of course a man can be friends with a younger girl, but you are already admitting you are attracted to this girl. This makes it dangerous ground in my mind.
I also believe things happen for a reason, but if there is no fault in your relationship with your wife.
You are creating this reason yourself.
I think you just want everyone to say this is ok, well maybe it is for you, but what about your wife.
If you dont want to be with her anymore, then be honest and tell her.
Dont start up a new relationship under her nose, i am sure she dosnt deserve it.
Good luck to you both, I hope it dosnt all end in tears.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): In a word: NO. In this case, particularly. Because you don't want to be just friends with this woman. Have you told your wife that you've been spending time with your new 'friend'? And how you feel when you're with her? If not, then why not? If this relationship is innocent, and there's no desire to leave your marriage then why not share all with your wife. Maybe you could all be friends.
Of course that's not what you really want. You want to pursue a relationship with this woman. The reason i know this is that i've been through it recently with a man i met. I am married too, and considered an affair.
You have two choices:
Break your marriage vows and pursue a relationship with this new woman, or:
Break contact with this woman and concentrate on your marriage.
You can't be friends with her if you both want more than that!
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (14 December 2006):
I don't think you can be just friends because you've already begun to think more. You feel like your connecting and you're really supposed to just walking the dog. Focus on your marriage or you'll lose it. You can try and convince yourself that she's just the girl from nextdoor but you really know better. This just makes it more palatable.
If it's not her, there will be someone else in the future. It's just attraction, no history though. History is what makes it's valuable. If you jump ship everytime you meet someone nice, you never achieve history.
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female
reader, sheffield_pink +, writes (14 December 2006):
I sort of agree. Either leave you're wife or be happy with what you've got and stop thinking about what could be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): However, with the DA brushed under the carpet at the moment, I would also like to be a tad bit more compassionate and say that it is definitely very possible to stay friends with an 'extremely' attractive woman. There are also other factors to consider - married couples often progressive unevenly together, and sometimes grow stale as well. If this is the case, the weakness I have said below also takes place in the form that you and your wife haven't done much to further your relationship beyond the stage of putting a ring on your's and her finger.
People get married and think too narrowmindedly about how they want their futures to be like: kids, grandkids, shared home, etc. What about new adventures? Spiritual, emotional, and physical? What happened to encouraging each other to improve themselves? To share moments and milestones together, maybe become an auxilary for each other.
Men and women shouldn't have to be tempted by anyone else, if they themselves were happily married to their considerable others in the first place. PLEASE do not get married just because you have a warm and fuzzy feeling, and lots of good sex. Also, not everyone can make good parents, so don't have kids because you think you have the freedom and the right to.
Wow, my rants in the wrong place... But it all ties in. [wink]
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): You mean you're a very honest person. 'Honor' isn't given to oneself, but received by others. [wink]
Seriously, if you're confused, then the best thing to do is to leave your wife and go after the young girl. However, if your emotions and your mentality was solid from day one, simply stay with your wife.
In other words, your temptations to be with this other girl is a good sign of your own weaknesses and underdeveloped foundations of love, deep friendship, and overall companionship.
If you find my words harsh, let's just say I wouldn't be so easily swayed by ANYONE who is 'that much' more attractive, cuz I find that there are so many people in this world that choose to get married for the weakest of reasons, and most of that has to do with the sole priority of 'love'. Hey ladies, I'm not saying that love shouldn't be the most important thing, but with all your experiences on this site and your own, you think 'love' in itself can truly hold together everything?
This man as well as many others have proven to us that love itself isn't as strong as people think. Like I said elsewhere, what's beyond love? True friendship. What incorporates true friendship? Love being one of them, automatic consideration, a deep care for her/his welfare at the expense of your own comfort, a mutual action/reaction towards each others needs and wants. You are your own fortress, your solidity is your army. Whoever else enters your life is automatically a guest, where as your wife is your queen.
Confused? Hardly.
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A
male
reader, early +, writes (14 December 2006):
if its not too late already put as much distance as you can between you and this girl. Only pain and hurt can result from this. This early attraction will destroy a marriage that has taken years t develop. Stop the walks now, make excuses to absent yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): dont do it stay with your wife there is nothing to say it would last or even if she feels the same way, you could lose everything, if you love your wife and genuinely want to be with her then stay with her!
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