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age
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writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for around seven months, it is my longest relationship and it seems to have been going better than usual recently.I love him and am happy in the relationship. However, the topic of porn came up recently in discussion, and I asked him to show me the porn that he likes. I was interested in what turns him on and the type of women he likes, I thought I would be able to understand that it's just porn and it shouldn't affect our relationship. However, when he started to show me, I began to feel upset. He was listing all the porn stars that he likes, showing me their pictures and their movies and telling me that they were 'so hot.' I felt upset because not one of them looked like me, and it just felt wrong that he was lusting after all these women in front of me. I know that I asked him to, and so it is my fault, but I didn't know that he would lust so obviously after them, and that I would feel so hurt and betrayed and that my self esteem would decrease so much. He obviously got turned on by the porn, and wanted to have sex after, I didn't want to, but we did anyway because I wanted to make myself feel desired. It didn't work. I just wondered if anyone could give any advice on this? I'm feeling really low and I don't want him to touch me, I feel totally unsexy and just awful. I don't want it to ruin our relationship. I've had issues with confidence and appearance before.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): Hi Talkingflowers,
Your boyfriend has been very unfair, and yes you have behaved in a very mature and open manner. You are a treasure of a girlfriend, not many women try to find out what turns a guy on or what interests him about sexual fantasies and porn. Of course you had no idea that he would be so rude to boast about other women to you. But he is young, a bloody young idiot. I understand just what you tried to do. You wanted to experience his "hobby", and it's not that it offends you, it's that he hasn't taken time to reassure you that it means nothing to him, it's just a past time. Sorry babes, I can't really help. He has behaved stupidly, and like most men he doesn't understand why this affects your self esteem. It's like actors and singers who are famous, or footballers. Some people become stupid and fantasize about them too, but it isn't real. You explained your concerns, and he should have understood that it made you feel bad, but he doesn't. I don't think that pornography is for you, I suggest that you tell him you don't like it, you tried to find out about it, but he's behaviour was so ill mannered he made you feel unwanted and you no longer want to have it in your life. Leave him to his pornography, don't discuss it again and ask him not to use it when your around or have it in a place where you can see it. Then forget all about it. it's just one of them rude habits that men sometimes have. He can't marry a porn queen, and he definitely doesn't prefer them to you. It's his fantasy woman, like a plastic doll. Forget all about it and concentrate on making yourself feel beautiful and making your relationship strong. I'm sorry he behaved so badly, but he is young, he doesn't know that's it's rude to talk about a woman when another woman is around. He will learn someday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, firstly, I'd like to say thanks to anyone and everyone who has replied, reading your answers/suggestions has really helped and I'm feeling a bit better. The thing is, I took Tomas' suggestion, and explained to him that I felt threatened and that I didn't expect to feel that way and asked him to explain to me what he finds so exciting about the women. He replied with 'It's just porn.' He then preceeded to come back with a lot of sarcastic remarks and unhelpful replies. I feel like I am trying to be grown up about this, and he isn't taking it seriously. What can I do?
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male
reader, aman  +, writes (9 February 2009):
I agree with Cerberus,I please with you (and women in general), never once think that there is any competition between you and porn. There is no comparison. It's just something guys do that you have to learn to live with or ignore.Don't feel like you are competing with the women in porn. They are fake in every way... plastic surgery, make up, special lightning, film editing and effects... they don't even act real-- they are acting. We know they are fake. It is just a fantasy to us. You are real, and your boyfriend knows it. He was likely pretty excited that you were willing to go into the fantasy with him since so few girls are willing to do that.
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male
reader, Tomas +, writes (9 February 2009):
What Cerberus said.What turns most guys on, is an attractive woman who is sexually aroused / interested in them. What makes porn exciting is basically how extremely turned on the women act (we know it is acting).I think most guys wish their partners were as perpetually sexually aroused as they are. A lot of being around a woman (such as you) will consist of trying to keep one's sexuality in check, because guys know that most women aren't, for example, going to want to have a quickie in the back hall of the restaurant. So you dial it down.I mention that, to explain that when a woman says "show me porn that turns you on", a guy can read that as "open up pandora's box and show me how much sexuality you have inside you - I want to see the real thing, and it won't scare me."First, that's a risky thing to ask, along the lines of "do you think she is pretty?". It can also be a big turn-on, though, because it implies "I have some sexual things going on that I've not felt safe enough to share with you ... you show me yours, I 'll show you mine."So if he gets really excited and turned on, and talks about this person or that being really hot, I'd say to understand that it is not about those people as people, but things about them which resonate in his sexuality, and that he would like to share with you.I'll even throw out a couple of examples, in case it seems any different coming from someone other than him.I've noticed three people in porn who, if I see them, I know their performances will turn me on. One is a lady called Kayden Kross. The thing about her is, she honest to goodness really seems to absolutely love having sex. I mean, she seems like she is having fun, the time of her life. Maybe she isn't, but 99% of actors in adult movies look bored. Sex shouldn't be bored, it should be fun. So I love her work. But no way do I want to have sex with her - I would like to have more of that kind of sex with my wife. Another is Sasha Grey (Gray?). Her thing is that she honestly comes across as someone who likes "bad" sex ... something a bit rough, something where you get tied to a bed, called a dirty name. Something a bit wicked. Now, again, there are a ton of people who try to pull that off in movies, but it just seems tacky and ridiculous. But she seems like that person who really is into it. When I'm fantasizing particularly naughty sex with my wife, I like Sasha Gray stuff. But it's not Sasha that's in the fantasy. It's my wife reacting the same way the woman onscreen is.Finally there's a guy called Mr. Marcus. I mention him, not because I would want to have sex with him (straight as an arrow in that regard). But he is this huge, muscular guy, who at the same time is a complete gentleman and is really loving with women. I've heard ladies say they melt (and run) when they see him have sex onscreen. I like seeing scenes with him in them, because most porn is really denigrating to women, which destroys any fantasy I'm having. He makes love the way I want to make love, so he's a big favorite of mine. I think he is very good looking, just like I think Jude Law and Clive Owen are good looking - someone I would like to be, at least in a certain regard.The reason I went through all of that is to show you that, it may be the case that he thought you would watch certain films with him and find the same turn-ons in them as he did. But he probably did not appreciate the risk that you would fee jealous or insecure (sounds like you didn't either). Guys rarely compare themselves to other guys (especially physically), so if my wife showed me a porn movie that turned her on, I wouldn't worry she wanted to be with the guy in it. I would just view it as a note she was passing me, to help me better understand he sexuality.As to what you can do, first some people really are offended by porn, have moral objections to it (just like some folks are vegetarians), and want nothing to do with it. That's completely within their (and your) rights. But if the idea of porn itself isn't a problem, I'd suggest that you tell your boyfriend that you didn't expect you'd feel this way, but you felt very threatened by these women, and you fear that he'd prefer them to you. And that you don't understand what makes him so excited by them (and perhaps you want him to explain like I did above, or perhaps not). Give him a chance to at least put things in context. I know a lot of guys who wish their partners acted more like porn stars, but none who actually want the porn stars.One final comparison that just struck me. There may be some big-screen actors who do a romantic scene beautifully, and when you watch them you melt, and you wish your guy treated you like that. This is what I'm talking about. You don't wish you were with that actor. You wish your own guy could conjure what that performance made you feel. It's still about your guy.My 2 cents anyway. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): Porn is pretty normal for us guys, but it's no substitute for the real thing.
He was probably more excited that you were in interested in what turns him on and the fact that you asked to see them than he was about the girls. It's not that common that a girlfriend will want to share our porn fantasies, the idea that porn constitutes a second girlfriend or is cheating is an understandable emotion to feel, but is completely wrong, unless his sexual desires are suffering because of it.
You sound like a pretty open minded person to have wanted to share this with him and I'm sure he realizes how lucky he is to have you. Most guys would never compare their girlfriend to other women, so you should try not to aswell.
No matter what girls think, we don't actually want to have sex with porn stars, porn just fulfills a 5 minute fantasy so we can get our rocks off, nothing more.
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female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (9 February 2009):
 all i can suggest is if you can't beat em' join em' maybe you can make this into a little game try things to turn him on get him to pick a girl out of the magazine or in the "porno movie" and act like her dress like her BE her and then try it just as your self and do the exact same things as you did as this "fake" girl but just be you doing the things this girl did maybe that might spark his intrest and get things back on track?
i have never really had this problem the worst i have experienced is my boyfriend watching porn like everyday all the time but how i delt with it was i watched it with him
i really hope my advice helped keep us updated still
misfitschik66~~
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): He seems way too hooked on these girls - seems to have some pretty strong connection to them, this is not right.In my opinion, porn is not healthy in a relationship. He seems to have far too much interest in these particular girls. You shouldn't stand for that. :(I consider this emotional cheating. :( They're not random (if you want to look at it that way), he has selected them and sticks to them. That is not right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is, I know that all men have porn. It's not the fact that he watches porn that bothers me. It's how he acted and how intense he felt about the women. He was so turned on by them, and I was right next to him. He never gets that turned on around me. He didn't see it as wrong or uncomfortable.
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female
reader, steffi666  +, writes (8 February 2009):
Men and porn go together, i havent met a man who doesnt have porn.. id be supprised if i did!! dont be upset if they dont look like you, he wouldnt be going out with you if he didnt think you were hot. when he mentions how hot they are again just say and what about me? he prob just got a bit excited not many women want to know how thier men think about their porn. he prob didnt think about what he was saying, men dont think that much..!
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