A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,Please excuse me in advance for the length of this message. I am in a 4 year relationship. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 29. We currently live separately, each with our parents. We plan to move in together as soon as I finish university this year.My question relates to my boyfriend's mom criticizing my current lifestyle. I am really into alternative medicine. I cure every ailment with a natural remedy, be it headache, muscle ache, chills, fever, runny nose, or cold. It's not that I am against or don't trust the modern medicine, it's just that I don't feel the need to use it, as my methods work for me just fine. I live a healthy lifestyle, do a steady yoga practice and even have a personal line of natural bath and body products which I sell and share with people I love. Of course when I have a severe headache and nothing else helps, or when I have a high fever, I take some over the counter medicine for a relief.My boyfriend's mom is the exact opposite. She will take a pill any time, any day, with any symptom. Headache. Muscle ache. Anxiety. Stress. Even tiredness/fatigue. I won't even mention something as serious as a cold, God forbid, the little pills start coming out, different ones for every single hour. The woman is obsessed. She even went as far as offering a pill to everyone last week when we went out to a buffer dinner, saying that this will increase the digestive process allowing you to eat more food. It's too much for me. But to each his own I suppose, and I never ever say anything about it to her or to my boyfriend. I think my boyfriend inherited this obsession with pills and medicine from his mother. He takes it constantly, for every single little symptom. I can understand taking a pill if you have the symptom of a cold, or flu. But if your hands are cold when you come in from outside (like in his case), or if you feel tired after a day of work (again, like in his case) taking a pill for that is completely unnecessary.I am suspecting my bf might also be (I don't know if there is an appropriate terminology)often susceptible to thinking that he's getting sick, even if he's not. Every week or so he feels he's getting a symptom of a cold and he will start taking medicine, pill after pill, for several days at a time. I am not kidding, this happens every week. He is also prone to very bad moods and extreme tiredness, and he takes pills for that as well (something his mom gives him). Today, I've had enough. He told me once again that he is not feeling good and that he will take more medicine to make him feel better. I suggested to him, very gently, that maybe the reason he feels like he's getting sick so often, is due to a weakened immune system. I suggested, *very gently*, that it could be due to the amount of pills and medicine he'd been taking, and that taking so much could interfere with his body's ability to defend itself and prevent illnesses.I recommended some of my methods that have worked wonders for me. I compiled a list of things he can do to boost his immune system. Things like, increasing vitamin intake by eating more fresh fruits and vegetables, lean protein and mineral rich fish. Herbal remedies like echinacea and astralagus that increase white blood cell circulation and promote a well balanced immune system. Things like yoga and meditation to help with his constant bad moods. Things like cardio exercise to help with his every day tiredness.The thing is, I don't push these things on him. I just suggest it to him casually, putting an accent on the fact that this is what works for me, and maybe it will work for him as well. I honestly believe that if you take pills almost every day, your immune system loses the strength and ability to help you fight off certain diseases.He likes my idea and he promised to take better care of himself. He promised to intake more vitamins and to take up a few yoga classes with me.I found out today though that he changed his mind, because his mom said my methods were complete b/s, and that he should just continue to take pills and not bother with looking into alternative ways to help your body and mind feel better. Apparently she also said that I shouldn't "push" my methods onto him, and not try to "change" his lifestyle.I am hurt that she does not respect my help and does not try to understand why I try to help in the first place. I am afraid that when we move in together she will continue to criticize me for these things and that he will take her side, like he did this time, making me feel completely inferior. I am sure that next time she sees me she will point out that I have no business trying to wiggle my natural methods into her family and that I should just listen to her and take pills instead of seeking other ways to feel better. (She has done it before.)I am looking for appropriate ways to deal with this. I really care about my boyfriend and I honestly think I can do a lot of good for him if his mom let me. My lifestyle is not some crazy/obsessed, it is simply healthy, with a healthy body and a healthy mind. Should I let my bf be as is, should I be inferior to his mom and just let her have her way when it comes to his health? Should I stand my ground? If so, how do I do it respectfully and graciously?Thank you, and I apologize for the length of this message.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (8 November 2012):
Simply shrug it off and look at it with a 'your loss' mentality. The fact he was open to it at first is a good sign. It means that when he's flown from under his moms wings, her iron grasp on him will probably slip as well. Keep giving him the freedom to decide for himself, unlike his mom.
As for her, only stand your ground when she gives her opinion directly to you. Leave your bf out of this. His second hand account of what she said is not to be trusted as accurate, as such info is always filtered. So let it go.
If she tries to weasel her way into her life by deciding what he needs to be done, you can step up and talk to him about that, but until that happens I'd just let it all go.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (8 November 2012):
I'm not going to jump into the natural vs pharmaceutical debate.
If your boyfriend feels like he is getting sick on an almost weekly basis, he likely has allergies to something in his environment. Allergies are caused by an overactive immune system and the symptoms can mimic a cold and make a person feel absolutely miserable. Unless you have a natural remedy that can stop his body from having an exaggerated histamine response, he will continue to find relief from whatever pills his mom gives him because at least some of them probably have an anti-histamine in them.
His mother sounds neurotic. I do believe that if you could prove in some way (maybe printing off literature for her) that natural medicine does work for certain conditions and modern medicine often mimics compounds found in nature* maybe you could win some small victory.
*white willow bark contains salicin which is similar to aspirin.
*guaifenesin which is an expectorant comes from the guaiac tree.
*penicillin is an antibiotic isolated from mold.
*codeine, morphine, and other opiate analgesics are derived from part of the opium poppy plant.
There are really many examples you can use to try and get your point across.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I agree that it isnt his methods that are the issue, although it would be annoying if someone literally took a pill for any reason. The real issue is hes a mom's boy. It doesnt seem like he has his own opinions. He hasn't learned to be independant. Now Im going to be forward. If this serious and lets say you get married and have kids, now thats something to think about. Right now its a minor problem. When she confronts you tell her it was merely a suggestion, he never had to take you up on it. Tell her you were trying to help. If she starts getting mouthy tell her he can make his own choices and if he wants to use his method thats his choice and leave it at that. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I completely agree with anon. Poster. That said, think hard before you move in with him.And i couldn't disagree more with the rest of posters who advice not to push your boyfriend into healthy approaches.People don't realize that this pill popping is real dangerous approach that these people picked. It's not just more or less innocent pill taking when it's necessary, it's a real addiction that takes place unusually frequent, like in this case every week. Also for tiredness what does he take? Caffeine pills?I am very much into healthy lifestyle like yourself. At one point I went as far as becoming completely vegan, mostly raw for a few years. Now I don't eat meat, milk, butter, but sometimes a little seafood, very rare cheese and eggs. My diet consist mostly of veggies and fruits.I m also very very seldom take any pills, only when I really struggle with colds, I might take an overnight meds.The reason why my family came to this is that when we approached 40, me and my husband, we started feeling effects of our not healthy habits.Weight gain, no energy, cholesterol was out of control. We felt old, ugly and sick.I did lots of research before I changed our lifestyle, as I'm anaemic, and had to be careful. The resistance I encountered was unbelievable. First my husband, with cholesterol reaching 400, was protesting when I stoped cooking meat. I just refused to have any meat in a house. It took him awhile to get used to the idea that there is a life with no meat. The effect of my changes came immediately. Within 3 months my husband lost 40 lb, I lost 22 and went back to my size 6. His cholesterol is now 187, he stoped smoking and started GYM, and turned into a hotty I knew from before:). Why I m telling you all this. A man that you choose for your lifetime partner needs to be on one wave with you, otherwise it won't work. I wasn't going to watch my husband slowly killing himself, I was persistent and I did stand my grounds very firmly.We go see his parents every year, and we hear same thing every year, that I m an awful wife, look how thin a poor baby is, that I don't feed him. And I stand my grounds every year and tell them every year that I keep their son healthy and fit and they should appreciate me for that:).If you are going to live with a guy, you should stand your grounds. You are doing everything right, you are healthy, and I wish you to stay like this for years to come. Your boyfriend is killing his liver by taking all this medications, and he is wrong.You need to be firm and persistent, and speak up. Gentleness is not going to work here. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I don't see the big deal, if he would rather take an aspirin, you shouldn't be putting your views on himAlso, his mother shouldn't be saying that your views are wrong.Tell him to man up and tell his mum to mind her own business and keep her opinions to herself.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 November 2012):
 I have 2 points to address here. I had a work mate who took the afternoon off to sleep every time he had a headache, because he wouldn't take an evil aspirin. Very annoying to the rest of us who did his work. My grandmother lived into her 90's and was a believer in natural cures. She wasn't pushy, just outlives the heck out of everyone.
I really think you are missing the point. It isn't his choice of medical care that bothers you. It is that this mamas boy, who still lives with his mama at 29 years old, chose his mama over you. Quite frankly you should be upset and worried about that.
FA
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 You and your bf's mother are squabbling over his health and care as if he was a toddler. He is an adult and has both the right and the capability to make his own decisions as to how he wants to look after himself.
She pitched her pills only regimen. You pitched your natural remedies only approach. Now, let him be !- and may the bedy woman win :).
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A
female
reader, melco75 +, writes (8 November 2012):
If your'e stressed about the mom now just think what it will be like if you ever get married!! It doesn't get any better, believe me!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): Good news is he'll likely take the vitamins since he likes pills. Bad news is you can't make anyone agree with your views. I think you are gonna be surprised when you move in together and he wants pizzas, beer and junk food to go with his pills. If you want him take him as is or not at all. He's probably not going to change nor is his mother.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (8 November 2012):
 From what you've written it certainly sounds as thought you're already being quite gracious about it. (Also, your boyfriend and his mother sound like they might be slight hypochondriacs)
My view - stick to your guns and carry on what you're at - just stand your ground with, "I respect your views, but only request that you respect mine as well and try to understand that I only want what's best for all of us, as you do."
And aside - I completely agree with you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Personally, I think natural medicine sometimes works, and sometimes just doesn't. I also recognize that sometimes "modern" medicine is little less than poison. But I would be closer to the points of view of your boyfriend's mother. Part of the difference comes from the fact that I am older, and then my body doesn't resist everything anymore.
I think she can't make you give up what you chose, but you can't make them give up what they believe in, either. Maybe the lady and the guy are hypochondriac, but then again you can't change that.
I say, heal your ailments the way you choose and let all others do the same.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 November 2012):
 This is a common issue, and the way that you DO NOT want to approach this is to "stand your ground" or look at it as a confrontational issue.
First of all, did SHE say this to you directly, or did your boyfriend tell you that she said that? If you're hearing this secondhand, you will make a mountain out of a molehill because you'll be reacting to what you thought you heard filtered through your boyfriend. You do not want to do that.
Second, you must understand that the way you approach your health with a more holistic approach is going to be one that will be met with a certain amount of defensiveness. Vegetarians/vegans face this a lot, and while taking this many pills might be in the extreme opposite direction, more people tend to use pills like Tylenol or Pepto-Bismol rather than a more organic approach.
You have to understand, while I agree with you that you might be just sharing how you approach your health with your boyfriend because you believe in it, his mom might react the same as if you were proselytizing a religion, and in a sense, your boyfriend might have those feelings too. As gently as you may have made suggestions to him, the message you send is that their way of dealing with ailments is wrong, and inferior, and causes harm. If your boyfriend was raised by being aggressive with medication, you are criticizing an integral part of their upbringing, and thereby criticizing his mom for her job as being a mom.
Yes, it sounds touchy-feely, and I know it wasn't your intention, but you can't proselytize AS A RESPONSE to something you see your boyfriend doing wrong. The best way to show the benefits to your holistic health approach is BY EXAMPLE. He sees you in good health, he's interested, and you tell him. Criticism puts people on the defensive.
To the matter at hand -- his mom. If you really want to come out on top here, you must approach this with two goals in mind -- to convey mutual respect for her practices, and to win her over. Remember, subconsciously, you are potentially replacing your boyfriend's most important female in his life, and that's his mom, the one who gave birth to him, fed, raised, and loves him. Always approach with respect, even if you completely disagree with their health approach.
If she says anything to you, tell her you meant no disrespect to her, and that you'd never push anything onto her son. You simply believe in the way you live and want to share it with the man you love. Always respond with kindness.
Here's the thing -- your boyfriend needs to put a stop to his mom's criticism of you. You can't do it without causing a serious and permanent damage to the family. This is how lifelong family issues arise from trivial disputes. And not only that, but if your boyfriend disagrees with how you live, he needs to tell you, not go tattling to you about what his mom said as a way to get a sideways message through to you.
You also need to respect different ways of healthy living, and vice versa. Personally, I *hate* yoga and pilates, but I love TKD, strength and resistance training. However, I respect the discipline of anyone in yoga, and I have a number of friends who swear by it.
If you have the patience and kindness, you could turn this around and win his mom over by showing kindness, respect, open ears, and a willingness to learn, even if you believe your approach is best. If you set this kind of tone, she will drop her defenses and listen to you as well.
Remember, do not confront, and if she says something to you, respond with kindness, patience, and disarm her defenses no matter what tone she takes or how wrong you think she might be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): The appropriate way to deal with this is to stop pushing your agenda on your boyfriend and his mother. Stop trying to convince them your way is the right way via lists and educational lectures. DROP IT. YOU ARE NOT AN EXPERT. You do not hold an MD and they did not agree to be your patients. One day when you have your own child, you can make those kinds of judgement calls for your OWN child or if you become a doctor, for patients who hire you for your expert opinions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): This is a dangerous situation. Think long and hard before you move in with this guy or marry him.
He is completely controlled by his mother. This issues will plague your whole marriage and will continue to plague your relationship. I can already see it. Furthermore, you share ENTIRELY different life values then your boyfriend and that is a big issues.
You are into health, he is into quick fixes. It may not seem like a big thing, but look at the trouble it is already causing. Imagine when you have children and they get sick? Fights over how to treat them, cure them, give them the best help. Then his mother interfering over how to "raise" them properly.
If a man cannot stand up to his mother, he has no backbone. He will not listen to you, and he will continue to listen to her.
Either you have a good talk with him over YOUR standards, and how YOU intend to live your life and he accepts it, or you tell him you need a break. He is a mommas boy through and through.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): "Should I let my bf be as is,"
yes, you should just let him be as he is. You wouldn't like it if he tried to push his pill-popping lifestyle onto you, right? So similarly, respect his right to pop pills all he wants. just as you think his way is baloney, he and his mom think yours is. So everyone is equal here. Everyone just stick to their own methods for THEMSELVES.
"should I be inferior to his mom and just let her have her way when it comes to his health?"
It's not her versus you having a say in his health. Both of you are having equal say right now. It's HIS CHOICE whether he wants to follow you or her. Unfortunately for now he has made the choice to believe her. But hey, things could change in the future especially when he's not living with her anymore.
"Should I stand my ground? If so, how do I do it respectfully and graciously?'
If his mom criticizes what you do for yourself, then yes you should stand your ground. But when it comes to what your boyfriend should or shouldn't do, then you should back off and not fight her about it. if she wants to control how he deals with his health, let her. Do not become like her. Give him the choice to make his own decisions.
my hb is a pill popper too, and I'm not. I took ibuprofen for a few days after I broke my leg and had surgery on it (they prescribed me painkillers but I did not take them).
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