A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for nearly 4 years. Before i met him, i started building a house and after a few delays it was finished 2 years ago. I have lived there since but he has remained living at home. We are on the verge of breaking up because we can't get past this issue. He doesn't want to move in with me because it is my house and he will feel like a renter. He also thinks the area is too far from where he would have to work. (its about an extra 20 minutes from where he lives now). He is angry that i wont consider renting somewhere else - but doesn't seem to understand that I can't afford to pay a mortgage and to rent. I didnt build my house to rent it out but if i did the rent wouldn't cover the mortgage so i would have to top it up. I've heard such bad things about renting out your house, i really dont have any desire to be a landlord. He may have to move to anther state for work. This is the other problem - because i wont move with him. I would ahve to sell my house and quit my job. It isn't the best time to be selling a house or finding a job. He is basically telling me that i am giving him an ultimatum because its either move in with me or nothing. He doesn't see it from my side. I put my savings into buying this home and he wants me to just sell it like that. I have to make at least my savings back otherwise i have lost pretty much all of it. I've told him im happy to look at selling, but i dont think its a best time to sell right now. And my fear is, i will sell, and possibly quit and move to another state for him, and a year down the track we dont work out and then what have i got? I know he can't gaurentee anything, but i want a family with him, he knows this, but i have never got the feeling that he wants that with me. He wont move in with me for a little bit at all. He will only pay the bare minimum if he does (no mortgage help or rates etc). Do i agree to look at selling in a years time? He may move to another state but a lot of the jobs are only for a year.some outside views/advice would be great. If one of us doesnt give into the other i think we will end up breaking up.. and the last 4 years have gone down the drain. Thank you.
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female
reader, whitneybird +, writes (16 December 2014):
If you sell your house and follow the boyfriend, you will be putting yourself at his mercy. Think of the stress of finding another job, and not enjoying that house you worked so hard for. You want someone who is at least on the same path as you. Boyfriend is looking for a mommy, not an equal. If things don't work out after selling your home, you'll be set back trying to get another house. That may take twice the time or not at all. That house keeps you warm and dry. The boyfriend doesn't even own a blanket.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 January 2013):
Money is difficult. Finding a bf/gf is easy. Proceed accordingly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): "I know he can't gaurentee anything, but i want a family with him, . . ." Why? After four years, he's still not remotely ready, prepared or suitable to be your husband. Why on earth are you even considering procreating with him? What did an innocent baby ever do to deserve a slug like him for a father?"he knows this, but i have never got the feeling that he wants that with me."He doesn't. If he had any serious intention of wanting a family of his own, then he wouldn't still be living with his parents like an adolescent. If you are waiting for him to change his mind, then in the end you will have wasted a lot more than four years on this loser. "If one of us doesnt give into the other i think we will end up breaking up.. and the last 4 years have gone down the drain."Better to write off four years of your life than allow a manipulative neanderthal deadbeat to coerce you into giving up your job and selling your home in order to move to another state without prospects for either for the privilege of shacking up with him before ultimately ending up unemployed, homeless, broke AND having wasted six or eight or ten years of your life.He's not going to compromise, he's not going to magicallychange, he's not going to grow up. You have not indicated one redeeming quality, characteristic or anything else he has to offer that makes your life better so I honestly do not understand why you keep banging your head against a wall waiting for reason and maturity to prevail when it doesn't exist. As I advised a poster of a day or two ago in an eerily similar situation under almost identical circumstances, I wouldn't be surprised if both your deadbeat boyfriends' intent was to pressure both OPs into selling your houses at a loss to liquefy both your assets so they could hit the two of you up for "loans," advances and other financial considerations. I hope the previous poster will not be posting again soon asking essentially the same question, which would indicate she didn't wish to follow advice she didn't want to hear (dump him) and therefore is back once again looking for a magical resolution that is beyond the realm of reasonable possibility.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 January 2013):
 And if you sell the house now, get less than what you paid for it, move somewhere else with him, without the guarantee btw to find an equivalent job to the one you have now, and then , after a year or so, it does not work out with your bf,- which is quite possible anyway but even more in your case since we have to add to the mix his reluctance to commit , and the resentment that the sacrifices you'd be half heartedly doing for him, which could foster resentment in you- you will have thrown down the drain 4 years of relationship AND a good chunk of your life savings. You will be left stranded in a location not of your choice, and without the money to buy another house like the same you have now.
Stay put. If it works it works. If it does not- you'll lose the guy but at least you still will have your house .
If you move, it's quite possible you lose both.
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A
female
reader, CANDY61 +, writes (28 January 2013):
First of all you do not know what the future hold for you and your B/F so what would hurt you the most? Losing your B/F or looking for a place to rent after selling your dream home. You can get over the love you have for your B/F but it would take years to get over being a f%%l for sell your home.
If he was a real man financially situated and offer to buy or build US a home then I MIGHT give it some thought but you're talking about a guy that still at home with MOMMY.
You were smart enough to have a dream home built so please don't be nobody F%%l. He want you to sell your home and move in with him because he see dollar signs and once he know you got money from the sell, you won't be able to rest until all the money is gone baby!!! And when the money is gone, relationship problems start and at this point you will be looking for a place to live.
He's not trying to build a future, he just want his needs met. If a man ask me to sell my home, I would tell him right then and there to get lost so my advice to you is...
Don't do it... don't do it...
And for the most part I used to have rental property, I sold it to get rid of the headache.
What does he have to bring to the table?
Wish You The Best
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A
female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (28 January 2013):
Hold onto your home or I will be seeing you and your bf fighting it out on Judge Judy one day n the near future.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 January 2013):
 Sorry, but your boyfriend is a tool. This whole thing would be a HUGE red flag to me if it came up in a relationship.
Seriously, you worked hard and built a new home, which is very admirable. You are enjoying the fruits of your success. But this guy, who lives with his parents and wants you to sell what you just accomplished in order to accommodate both his ego and his convenience?? That is beyond selfish and would also extremely financially stupid for you to do so.
It's one thing if he owned his own house, you owned yours, and you both would sell your individual homes in order to pool equity on a jointly owned property. However, because he has some stupid "turf" ego crap, he'd rather have you give up what you worked hard for years to obtain with a down payment an extra cash overlay to furnish and build your house in order to RENT from him who has previously lived with his parents?
Not only that, but he's trying to say that if he "deigns" to give into you and move into your house, he'd not pay rent to you? He'd pay bare minimum because it's your house? Meaning, he thinks more highly of a rental company than he does you?
You would be an utter raving drooling crazy insane FOOL to accept his idea, and you can NOT give up what you worked so hard to earn.
Ever hear of "cut your losses"?? This is it in this case. It's amazing that you, a successful worldly woman, dated a guy who has slacked off at home and would rather quibble over turf and stubbornly refuse to support himself were he to live at your address.
Domesticity does not equal commitment. He's asking for way too much from you, and he has nothing of equal value to give you in return.
4 years ago, I'm guessing you both were either in college or just getting out of it? You're not a college kid now, and you're not a high school kid anymore, and you should have much higher standards in choosing the partner who will go with you in life. He just flushed your relationship down the toilet over a stupid power struggle because he's threatened by your success and acting immature over it.
Do what you already have felt for a long time, that you've outgrown him. Make it sooner rather than later. Sure, you might have used up 4 years, but look at the bright side. You've accomplished a lot in your life...time to ditch this guy and accomplish something extraordinary in your love life by finding a guy whose maturity, drive, ambition and accomplishments match your own.
Never give in, Ms. Independent. You have something worth protecting and cherishing, and this guy isn't worth giving it up. He's a boy, and you need a man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): please dont throw away your own stability to be with a man who wont compromise for you. I think he is trying to manipulate you. Be strong if you give it all up for him you are weak. think about it. His motives are selfish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): He lives at home as in...he lives with his parents? Kind of strange if I am estimating his age correctly (late 20s), but we all have our situations, whether it be debt, affordability, etc.
This might contribute to any insecurities he has, which it seems he has since he feels uncomfortable living in your house. Like a previous poster mentioned, he wants control. Doesn't mean he's abusive and sexist, but you never know what will happen if you do end up giving up your house to live with him - on his property.
Don't give up the house. It's quite unreasonable for him to give this ultimatum.
If he doesn't see your side then drop him. 4 years might seem like a waste, but not compared the possible risk that you could be stuck with a control freak.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 January 2013):
I think your reasoning is solid here. Him "feeling like a renter" is a control issue, he wants you to be on his turf, not vice versa.
I don't know if mass transit is any good where you live but where I live it is. He could just hop on a bus, train, etc and read until he gets to work. An extra 20 minutes of reading is better than being in traffic for half the time.
Moving out for him wouldn't probably be the best thing to do. If he doesn't understand your logic then it's probably time to move on. You're still young so "4 years down the drain" shouldn't stop you from making the right decision.
Good luck and congrats on building your own home!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 January 2013):
 Here's my tip for women, for the night (AND, forever)....
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ,NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER leave your address to move in with some idiot guy!!!!!
You've done fine. Now, reconcile to yourself that this "B/F" who wanted you to compromise your address isn't worth the effort!!!!
Good luck...
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