A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a boyfriend who has a 3 year old son to someone else,his sons mother thinks im getting too close to their son.im not sure what to do my boyfriends sons mother has a boyfriend is hardly involved at all is this healthy??and what should i do continue being involved with his son or not??
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female
reader, babalou  +, writes (30 January 2013):
 Also, my parents are divorced, but I met my father's girlfriends all the time, and it didn't HARM me like some of you are assuming it will do to this child. It would harm the child a lot more to see you around but have you ignore him while he's there, because his mom is so insecure.
A
female
reader, babalou +, writes (30 January 2013):
Ignore her. It would be stupid to not get involved with the kid because this woman sounds insecure. If the kid likes you, he likes you. She'll just have to suck it up and stop being immature. It's not like you're trying to take custody of the kid. Can you really imagine yourself ignoring the kid when he's around because his mom said you should? That sounds ridiculous, right? Right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): To all the posters saying that the OP should not get involved with this kid (who clearly likes her), on the basis that she is not "family"...well then do you prevent your kids from getting close to their teachers or nannies? those people are not "family" either, they have no legal obligation to continue being in your life forever and ever, and therefore are also transient in the kid's life. Do you deny your child from forming any close supportive relationships with nurturing maternal figures who are not permanent family members? If your child really likes his kindergarten teacher do you baulk and try to keep him away from the teacher because in a couple years she won't be in his life anymore and he'll be irreparably harmed? I think people here need to get a grip.
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female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (28 January 2013):
In addition, I hear some criticism of the boy's mother in your judgement of her decision. Big mistake and will come back to bite YOU.
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female
reader, Dayzy +, writes (28 January 2013):
It absolutley depends on how long you have ben going out with this guy. If it is under a year, you don't even need to meet his son. His mother is being wise and cautious.
Your'e 18-21 and can't know if your relationship will last. Children don't need the upheaval of potential parents coming and going.
Don't be tempted to ingratiate yourself with your bf by ingratiating yourself with his son.
Dr Phil also has several reasons why he warns against exposing children to adult dating arrangemnents. If your bf proposes to you, then think about your role in relationship to this boy. Right now your relationship is soley with his Dad. And don't start a tug of war, that you will lose.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): "his sons mother thinks im getting too close to their son.im not sure what to do"Back off. Right or wrong, she's the mother and she seems more than capable of venting her displeasure with you by making her baby daddy's life miserable, therefore by extension making his kid's life even worse by trying to keep him from his father."my boyfriends sons mother has a boyfriend is hardly involved at all is this healthy??"Healthier than separated parents introducing a kid toa parade of "uncles" and "aunts" traipsing through their bedrooms on a semi-annual, annual or bi-annual basis. Ideally the only adults who should be "involved" in a child's life are his parents. Given your boyfriend's son has the great misfortune of being the out-of-wedlock spawn of a failed short-term coupling between two young immature breeders woefully unprepared to assume the responsibility of parenthood, each of whom is likely years away from being able to provide a permanent home for him, then the child needs as much consistency and stability as possible in his life, and having Mom and Dad's boyfriends and girlfriends of the moment flitting in and out of his life is only going to unnecessarily confuse him about the concept of "family," and given the ongoing immaturity of his breeders, he's going to be confused enough."and what should i do continue being involved with his son or not??"Not. You have no legal relationship (blood, marriage, adoption) to a three-year-old who at this point is merely the son of a guy with whom you have been sleeping for probably a few months at most. Besides, if you continue to defy baby mama's wishes, then she is likely to use her kid as a weapon against his father by blocking access to "punish" baby daddy, and of course the kid will suffer most, as kids always do.When you get involved with a single dad, it's always a package deal with baby mama always part of the package, and the child will always come first before new girlfriend. Unfortunately you are in a no-win situation, and given baby mama's interference you're unwittingly putting an innocent kid in an even worse bind. The long-term effects of unplanned, unwanted teenage pregnancy resulting from impulsive, irresponsible teenage sex will will continue to ripple and trickle-down long after the knock-up and birth. Given the odds you're facing it's very unlikely that your current relationship is going to survive long-term, and if you stay with boyfriend then chances are you will soon find yourself knocked up by him, and the last thing an unlucky three-year-old needs is his daddy bringing a half-sibling by a legal stranger into an already volatile situation. For the child's sake if nobody else's, I'd advise you to gracefully bow out of his (and father's) life now. Poor kid is already doomed to a dysfunctional childhood, but at least you can spare him any more unnecessary misery and anguish with your unwanted presence in his life. Even if you think baby mama is being completely unreasonable, cold harsh reality is your boyfriend chose to lay down and make a baby with her so he is stuck with the lifetime fallout of that ill-advised decision. You don't have to be. As stated above, bf's probably not going to be sticking around for the long haul and baby mama isn't going away in the meantime; since you're still young and not pregnant (yet) then best thing you can do is learn from your experience (don't get involved with single dads of small kids) and move on to a childless guy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): She is being really selfish for denying her son access to another loving adult who cares about him. She should see you as like similar to an aunt to her son. I think you should ignore her. If she didn't want her son to have any other maternal figures in his life that means she should deny him his aunts, grandmothers, teachers, etc. Clearly she isn't going to to that because it isn't that she wants to keep him away from other maternal figures just you because she feels antagonistic to you for being with her ex. But that's her problem she needs to deal with. Your bf is making the choice to have his kid around you so she needs to learn that she doesn't get a monopoly on the kid because there is a second parent who also has a say not just her.
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (28 January 2013):
She may be the mom and have some say in his life, but there is nothing she can do to keep you from "getting close" to her son.
It's being selfish, really, and that's it. Many people don't like the idea of their kid having a second parental figure. I know I wouldn't if I ever divorced my wife.
But, as long as you and your bf have been together for awhile and have a stable relationship I'd say not only is it okay, it's the decent thing to do.
Forget about her.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 January 2013):
 No matter what else might happen.... reconcile to yourself that - until this young man is 18 - his REAL MOTHER has the inside track on you.....
There are lots of ways that you can arrange to be close to your B/F's son..... but you will always be subject to the whims of his Mother....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): I think it depends on how long you have been in a relationship with your boyfriend, if it's a fairly new relationship, I can understand her not wanting you to be too involved with the child. Boyfriends/girlfriends can come and go in people's lives and unless it's an established long term relationship, it can be very hard on the child to get attached to someone who suddenly disappears out of their life, if it happens a lot then it can be extremely unhealthy for the child. I think that she is simply putting her child first and seeing as though her boyfriend is hardly involved as well, I believe you should respect her wishes and not be too involved until it is established that you and your boyfriend are actively planning a future together for the long term, the address the situation then. As the parents your boyfriend and his ex has to do what is best for their child, and it is their decision to make. Good luck sweetie.
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