A
female
age
36-40,
*schey
writes: I've been in a relationship for about 2.5 years with someone who is wonderful, caring, supportive, etc. We have been through a lot, and I sincerely saw him as the one. He already considered us married but it doesn't work that way for me. Nonetheless, we had a good relationship. We're complete opposites, and sometimes it leads to arguments, we've had fights, but we make up and we don't miss a beat. Lately, he has been going through some financial stress and housing issues. I try to be there for him as much as he will let me. I feel like I can confide in him, but sometimes he is reluctant to confide in me as he is used to handling everything himself. It's been a month of him being distant and then I called him out on it and he acknowledged that he is stressed with his situation and he is just trying to handle it the best way he knows and he isn't going anywhere. He started opening up and attempting to bridge the gap. I , on the other hand, have my own stress as I am finishing college (he's already done) and I'm looking ahead at my future with him. Anyway, the blow up between us occurred Wednesday night.We are both in our mid to late twenties, and I've been thinking about marriage. We used to talk about it prior to his recent financial stress. I asked him about his future plans and it included me, and I shared mine with him, but all of a sudden he says first he'd want me to get pregnant. So, I thought he was joking because he comes from a family of 7 kids and they did not grow up easy at all. His parents have been married forever, and like us they are opposites. I told him I am not having children out of wedlock. Basically, he said before we get married he wants us to take a fertility test and if we can't have kids then he would have to leave because he really wants kids of his own flesh and blood. So, I asked him if we were to be married and go through all of the trials to create life and it failed, then what? He said he would have to leave because he want's kids. I told him that was asinine and selfish and if that is how he feels then he is not the one for me. He brushed it off with, "Ok, babe" (his response when he thinks I'm overreacting). I ended the convo with him and hung up, I was seeing red. A while later, and I am not proud of this, I sent him a text saying "We are done. The more I think about our compatibility and the demands (conditions) and the things you say, the selfishness, the more that I realize that you are not in love with me nor do you love me unconditionally. It's fine though, better we know now than waste more time together." I turned my phone off but I doubt he called. He did not respond. I sent him a few links on the subject in an empty, which he read. I called him last night and he did not answer.After the convo, I was so disgusted by his attitude toward marriage, as if I am just here to breed his kids. It's like he thinks if I can't have kids by him then I'm not worth a lifelong commitment. What happened to having faith and through sickness and health , good and bad, really? I deserve to be with someone who loves me unconditionally. He has a dormant physical condition that can affect me if it were to ever flare up when we decide to conceive, but I've never written him off or the possibility of kids with him. I asked him what if he is the one who is infertile and he says then he wouldn't fault me if I wanted to leave to have my kids. What? He said he would be honored if I stayed with him despite it. What?! So you are only of value if you can have kids. I can't even believe that these words are coming out of his mouth and that he is saying this mess 2.5 years later as it is not the first time we talked about it. I love him, but love me too and I want to be with someone who loves me unconditionally as I love him and sees me as a life long companion and not just a breeding factory. How did this happen?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): Ive read your last answer and you are defending him because he reasons have been laid out in front of you as to why this guy is bad news. he seems ridiculous and hypocritical saying he would leave you if you couldnt have kids, just like that. it shows a callous streak in his nature and if you think this is the last of his ''conditions'' for you people to have a relationship you are wrong. it sounds like his parents had a larger family than was responsible for them, he should be trying to not follow their mistakes. your mom is only looking out for you. if you think your mom is strict I am 22 and Im not allowed have a boyfriend.
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female
reader, mschey +, writes (1 April 2012):
mschey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't want to continue defending my boyfriend because the reality is I know his character and him, hence why I was shocked. We've moved past the argument and have gotten back on track. We've fought out our other frustrations today and talked about why we are with one another and we know why. We love each other, we care about one another , and we BOTH want forever with each other. I read what was said today and of course I brought it up to him again and he said he was raised to believe certain things (like a man should have his family and of course I am not surprised that it stems from upbringing) which is why he brought it up, but he has let it go and I trust his word and I am leaving it there.
P.S. - He was distant during the month because he was going through depression/stress dealing with his family's eviction issue. If I were dealing with that I'd be distant too. He was understandably preoccupied with trying to find an apartment before they are out on the street and he did not want me to know the whole story, I'm guessing because he was ashamed. I don't know. I don't want to press things when I can tell he feels uncomfortable. His family grew up very poor and I know it is something that bothers him and he is trying to break out of it . Typically, a man wants to handle his issues by himself and not let on to any stress or make others worried about him, but I am his woman and I know when something is wrong. I got upset about the distant behavior, and he told me why he is stressed (outside of the debt which I already knew about, he was/still is facing eviction), and I understand. He stepped up afterwards, opened up some, and let me help him look for place and go with him to realtors. This was about two weeks ago.
As for my mother, she will always see me as her little child and she is old fashioned to the T. She thinks that he should be sitting in the living room with the family when he comes over to visit and not in my bedroom as "a respectable young lady does not have a man in her bedroom". He also should be on his way home by 10 PM-midnight. He is in my bedroom anyway because I pay half off the mortgage and until 2 PM because she will knock on my door and remind me of the time like some warden. I sometimes feel like a child and I have to get out. It is a headache in itself. Nonetheless, I'm not about to go there with my mother. I can very well get my own place, get my privacy and my sanity back as school is done this year.
Anyway, this is a topic that any couple should discuss, but for me I trust that it is now closed. We both definitely need time to enjoy each other outside of work, school, and life demands. He believes in vacationing after he has attained his house, and I believe in dragging him on mini vacations in the meantime. He has taken me away for my birthday for the last two years and I've treated him to a random getaway, and VDay I surprised him with a couple's massage but this year I want to do something special for his birthday or in general because I know he can't really afford to do anything and he needs a break. He gives a lot of himself (financially, emotionally, mentally, etc) to me and everyone else and he never asks for anything back nor will he accept anything. He hasn't called out sick from work since he started a year ago nor has he taken vacation time. He deserves to be treated and he will fight me on it and say we need to save, but I don't care. He is worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2012): I think Chigirl is correct about him. He did not initially have anything to lose and now he has he has changed tack.And a month of him being distant beforehand rings alarm bells. Watch for his actions & also relax & have some fun together you both sound too heavy
PS .Why wont your mother allow you to 'shack up' with him its not like your a teenager you are a mature 26-28 yr old whats it got to do with her? After 2.5 yrs together you should know if he is the one if you do not then he shouldnt be talking babies with you
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reader, mschey +, writes (31 March 2012):
mschey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOld bag, you are right that he is a rare and good man. I consider us both bless to have found one another. Youwish, definitely. We've started those tough financial discussions and he is listening. The most important thing is that we are on the same page and are on track to where we'd like to be. As for him moving in with me, that's not an option since I own but I co-own my primary house with my mother. She is too old school for any of the shacking up business. As soon as I finish school then we sell and get our own places. Besides, I don't want to live with him before we are definitely on the path to marriage. I need my own space right now. Chigirl- My boyfriend is stubborn (true Taurus) and when he says something, he often means it, but he is not foolish enough in the least when it comes down to it. If I were infertile we would exhaust all options. If I were sterile, he is still fertile, he can have a child with a donor or we can adopt. If he were sterile, same thing. He is not the greatest communicator as he relies on physical communication (not sex) and I am the talkative one. He expects that I will read him by his actions toward me, and I expect that he will tell me how he feels. So we discussed that and agreed I will talk less and pay attention to his actions/reactions and he will talk more and not rely on them as much. This way we will be on middle ground.As for him seeing me as a breeding machine, I brought that up to him as I read him the riot act, and by his reaction and his words, he does not. I can read him and I know him. This is why I was so shocked in the first place. Also, my actual unedited title was "Did I overreact?". As Ciar pointed out, having a family is very important to him, especially if he can build one of his own. This has not been a secret to me as he has always shared wanting to have a family from the beginning and he has been stubborn about adoption. Some people are not open to all possibilities, but when you love someone you make adjustments. I have a friend whose husband thought the same way as my bf prior to them going to pre-marital counseling and then he admitted to my bf during a group convo that he started considering adoption if it came to it, because people do realize who they have and what they have to lose. I do believe that when a man tells you who he is believe him and did he have anything to lose the first time he said it? Sure did. He knows that his "this is how I feel and that is it" statements are not going to fly with me. There was no real face to face discussion the first time. To be exact, his wording on the subject was I do believe in fertility testing, but for you I don't care, and I believe him. This is not an issue that we have now, but he knows who I am to him and he knows that he would not want it any other way. Do I trust him that he is being honest? Yes! Sometimes people need a reality check to get their priorities in order.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 March 2012):
 Funny. If YOU are infertile or sterile he gets to dump you. If he on the other hand is sterile he is willing to adopt, because the most important thing is family... How swell.
Your SO hasn't matured over night. He thought it was a practical thing to do, and he still think it is. He's just covering it up for now because it backfired on him.
You're still a breeding machine. And he's a terrible communicator. I really don't think that this at all has anything to do with his desire for blood-related children. This is about his HIDING this fact from you for 2.5 years only to spring it on you now.
So maybe he pretends it suddenly doesn't matter any longer. But then you marry. And then maybe you don't get kids. He'll be mr. practical again and father a child with another woman.
I'm just saying. This comment of his, and the way he went about it, shows you something REAL IMPORTANT about the real him. Whatever he said while making up with you is him being rosy sweet and on best behaviour. But the REAL HIM still did what he did and said what he said. Don't forget what he said, because he'll say it again, and next time don't be so quick to brush it aside as "stress".
"he said if we couldn't have our own kids after exhausting all options then we can adopt, but if we can have our kids he wants to have our kids"
Well, thats not what he said the first time. Why would he lie to you the first time he spoke about it? Did he have anything to lose then? No. Why would he lie now? Does he have something to lose now? Yes.
What he first said still goes, don't think it doesn't. The man didn't mature over night, he still feels the same way about it as he did when he first said it. If he takes it back now then he's lying.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (31 March 2012):
 I'm glad he came to his senses and started talking. I didn't think it was about fertility in the end. Hopefully, he'll keep talking and you two can put together a plan that addresses your long term financial goals.
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reader, oldbag  +, writes (31 March 2012):
 i think he is a rare & good man the way he is helping his ma n pa out & repaying their parenting His time for marriage is not yet a while as his family come first At least he has you & maybe he could live with you instead of gettin a place on his own that would help him ?
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reader, mschey +, writes (31 March 2012):
mschey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S. - His financial issues stems from him going into minor debt and maxing out his cards (under 5G, which seems minor to me) as he has been helping his family hold it together. His frustration stems from the setback considering he graduated without debt and was saving up to buy his parents a house in two years, but now he is a year behind and in debt. He works in a great field, computer tech, and he is launching his own business, but sometimes things don't go as planned and helping people can sometimes hinder you. especially if they can't afford to pay you back, and like I have done, he is learning this the hard way.
His dormant physical condition is nothing that would leave him infertile. He is far from messed up. A little stubborn at times, maybe, but he gets that and when it comes down to it he will do what he has to do for someone he loves.
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reader, mschey +, writes (31 March 2012):
mschey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone, thank you again for your opinions, advice, and theories.
As I mentioned earlier, my SO called and asked if we can talk. He brought dinner for me and we hashed everything out. I can't seem to stay angry with him for long nor do I want to, and he seems to have grown since he is now more willing and likely to address the issue and make up than hold a grudge and fret. He asked me if I was serious about ending our relationship, and in my heart of hearts, I did not want to because we are a really good couple, but I stood firm on how I felt about his comments on the fertility test, whether he is serious or not. I understand that he wants to have is on kids, but I put it out there and asked him if it meant more to him to have kids than have someone that he claims to love by his side through it all.
I went in on him about what marriage signifies (being more about taking care of one another and being there for each other after the kids are gone as well as our senses), the meaning of unconditional love, his dormant issue and me not holding it against him nor hesitating about having children with him, (in fact, I even forgot about it until the fertility convo came up) and if he wanted to be with me then either he loves me no matter what happens or he goes his way. My "Take me as I am or leave me alone" attitude was very on point and he knew I was not playing around.
My SO apologized and said he doesn't care about the test and we can throw it out of the window, but he wanted to know how we got to that point. I took him back to the fertility comment as I wanted to know why he brought it up and he said he was looking at it from a logical/practical perspective to prevent us from going through the heartbreak and hardships if it were ever to come to be as some of you mentioned. I explained the options, and the difference between infertile and sterile which he knew, and I asked him what would he do if he was sterile, and he said if we couldn't have our own kids after exhausting all options then we can adopt, but if we can have our kids he wants to have our kids. Shock! (not really, I couldn't really believe that he would honestly throw everything in our relationship away or that he didn't love me as deeply as I love him or else I would have not even be able to ask this question)
The real reason as to why or how we got to that point was because I did a bridesmaid and a maid of honor stint in the last 6 months, and I spent a hormonal weekend watching TLC and the WE channel and all of those bridal shows and friends jumping the broom got me to thinking about our future wedding, and our future plans, which we never really discussed in detail (like when we'd settle down or how would we save, etc). However, considering his plans for providing housing for his family, launching his new business, going back to school (his master's will be free since he works for a college), traveling with me, getting engaged, buy our house, marriage, more travel and kids compared to my goals to finish school, get into my career, get my master's ( hopefully with a scholarship), sell of my properties, pay off my school debt, my regular debt, travel, get engaged, buy our house,get married, travel and have kids, it is a lot of financial demands and I began getting concerned about how long it would take us to start building our future together (the cost) as I am not getting any younger and my clock is tick ticking and so is his. Plus, we both hope to have 5 kids. It is a lot. I am glad that we got here though because though the topic may be a little premature since we aren't trying for kids let alone engaged, but it forced us to talk in details about our plans, goals and expectations.
He wanted to know why I was worrying about all of this now and I let him know that I am looking to get married in 3-4 years and I am not trying to pressure him but that is what I want for my future and I can't wait around forever. He is looking at 5 years maybe less and says he isn't sure when but he wants to be financially stable. I told him something will always be an issue especially considering all of our plans so that is not a guarantee, but we will see. Either way, he told me that no matter what he always envisioned me by his side through everything and him by mine, and we'd travel, buy our house and get married and have kids. We're on the same page for those aspects and we are aiming for 4 years. We will see.
We talked about his wanting to take care of his parents and whether he considered that they may have their own plan. He says that his parents plan to move back to their country , but he assumes that they wouldn't be able to do so. He decided (with my insistence) to have the convo with his dad and see how they plan to live when he can no longer work. I understand his reasoning for wanting to take care of his parents because he feels they gave him everything and sacrificed for him and his siblings. His siblings have started their own families and the two younger ones are finishing college. Soon it will just be them and they are getting older. I understand that he hates renting, but I told him he has to be realistic. His parents can't afford to own a house and if we are going to build a future together, he has to take our future finances into consideration as well as taking care of theirs. So I made suggestions in case they do stay here like setting them up in nice affordable housing that is offered to seniors, etc or purchasing an apartment/coop. He has his plans and he feels no one else is concerned about what will happen to them, but I told him that they have their own families to consider and I am sure they are doing what they can. Besides, you can't help anyone if you can't even help yourself and you have to get there first.
I also brought up to him his family's current situation (eviction) and how it frustrates me because it frustrates him that they are having such difficulty finding a place right now given their tight restrictions. There are 5 of them and they are looking for 2 bedrooms. I told him that people are less likely to rent out to 5 adults as he and his siblings are not kids anymore and can not expect to share a room. So people have to stop being stubborn and prideful and either his father allows him to pay a portion of the rent to cover a third room while he saves up money for his own place and the siblings graduate and move out (then the parents can downgrade to a one bedroom) or the parents and sibs get a two bedroom and he gets his own place, be it a studio or one bedroom. Either way, they will have to rent and pay more until he is able to get a house for them, like it or not. This is reality. He likes the idea about buying an apartment as it is more feasible. So he decided to start taking my advice and widening his options, and he did his research while we talked without me prompting him and he was able to set up two viewing appointments!
These are conversations we were avoiding or not having because he was trying to handle everything on his own and I guess he didn't want me to know what was going on considering the situation. He is always the responsible one of all the kids and somehow he feels it is his duty to make sure that everything is OK for his family. I can't fault him for it, but I can point out when he may be doing more harm than help to his situation overall.
In the end and in his arms, I asked him why he called me after I ended it and he said he didn't think my text was serious, and he thought I was just angry, but he wasn't about to let me walk out of his life because as he puts it, "You've put up with me through everything and you are still here. I (he) am not going anywhere without you." (insert forehead kiss).
We made up and we made up :). I love my man and he loves me, unconditionally. We go through it all and we come back strong, which only shows me that he is definitely the one. We agreed to fight it out and not walk away. I admit there are times when my first reaction is to run rather than fight, and he used to clam up to calm down before talking it out or brush things off and not want to address anything, and he said that he is not one to chase anyone who leaves, but we're both learning and growing in love and handling our issues the way we should.
Thanks all!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): Why is he dead set against adopting if you cant conceive? Ii can understand some people dont want kids at all and others do want kids which is opposite. But its pretty conceited to think that his DNA is superior to anyone else's and that family is built not on love but on blood only. What if he were to learn that one of his siblings was adopted would he no longer consider them his family. Or does he see having children as validation of his manhood or virility or something. If so I think that's sad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): Clearly, this guy loves the idea of having his own flesh and blood kids, more than he loves you. Having his own biological kids is a higher priority to him than being married to you. You are second best to him, first priority is reproducing himself. He would rather spend his life with someone else who can give him his own kids, than with you if you can't. I can't put it any more plainly that this.
I dont' think this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, EVEN IF you dont' have any fertility problems and can give him his kids. But just knowing this....
I mean, how would you like to be married to someone who is only with you for who you are secondarily, and only primarily because you can give him something he wants that is more important to him than you?
What if you took the fertility test and passed so he deems you good enough to marry. Then you get married. Then you get in a horrible car accident that renders you infertile. So now he's going to divorce you?? So his marriage vows are not "for better or worse" but "on condition that you give me kids"? Ah, but what if you got married, gave him kids, and THEN you got in a horrible car accident that rendered you infertile, then he'd be OK with staying with you? Unless he still wanted more kids??
I really don't see any point in continuing any conversation with this guy let alone a relationship. He's drawn the line in the sand, he's not going to budge. He may love you and care for you, but clearly doesn't love you enough for who you are but a large part of it is because he sees you as someone "of use" to him so you had better fulfill your biological potential or he will drop you like a hat. how romantic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): "So you are only of value if you can have kids. "Yep that pretty much is his attitude to life, and you can't change that. I too would be livid if he only made this known after 2.5 years of leading you on.People who MUST have their own biological kids are, in my opinion, selfish and egotistical. (and they say that people who choose not to have kids are selfish??) I can understand wanting to have a family. But if you have so much love to give, and your partner also wants but can't have kids, what is so wrong with adopting?? To say that only kids born of his own loins are acceptable to him and worthy of his love, is the ultimate in selfishness, narcissism and egotism. What, he thinks only his genes are so great that they have to be passed on? He doesn't want a family, he only wants Mini Me's. People like this disgust me. He does not see marriage as life-partnership. He only sees marriage as a vehicle to achieve his goal of having Mini Me's running around this earth. or else his definition of a Life Partner is someone who can give him his Mini Me's.Frankly, I think you really should have nothing to do with him because his priorities in life is really skewed.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (31 March 2012):
Oh, one last thing.
This is not about fertility! This is not about breeding factories.
(Just making sure I emphasized that).
Sorry this happened to you...
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 March 2012):
Wow, I am going to go in a massively different direction with my advice than the previous aunts. I'm seeing a few things here that disturb me, and I think personally, OP, that you were set up.
I think he wanted to call it quits with you all along, and he found his issue that would make him look like the "good guy" to cause you to break up with him. This isn't about fertility.
This is about his financial problems and his hidden change in feelings for you. He was distant for a month, you two have been arguing for awhile before he became distant, and things finally came to a head because he came up with an issue he knew you'd find untenable.
What he has been saying all along is that he wanted to end it with you. First he mentions wanting to get you pregnant before marriage? Really? In the middle of his own financial difficulties, he'd think of that? No way! He set you up because after 2 1/2 years together, he knew you wouldn't go for that.
Then he comes up with a "seemingly" altruistic deal breaker issue out of the blue that he also knew you wouldn't go for. This whole BS story about making you take a fertility class, listening to you blow up about it, and responding "okay babe" is a huge set up! He pressed your buttons like you were an iphone and sat back and waited for the fireworks.
You texting him with a breakup was the one thing he wanted so badly from you, and you handed it to him on a silver platter. He didn't have to face you AND he didn't have to do the breaking up, which is what he wanted all along.
He doesn't want to talk to you because he's FREE. He's not interested in talking out an issue. He's not interested in fertility really. He was feeling financial pressure and wanted out of everything, including your expectations. So he pissed you off and is now off happily down the highway.
If this were a LEGITIMATE issue and not a manufactured crisis designed to get you to break up with him, it would have come up WAY before 2 1/2 years. If fertility were this important, he'd have asked, when NOT in an argument, if on your next physical, you would be tested. It wouldn't have been so bad then, because it would have been similar to you asking him for an STD test before being intimate with him.
CaringGuy is absolutely right in saying that this guy is callous. Pardon my language, but he should have had the balls to break up with you properly and not trump up some blow out argument completely designed to piss you off enough to break up with him.
Now I'm going to give you some tough advice which will take every ounce of willpower for you to muster up. You need to stop contacting him. Stop calling. Stop emailing links. Stop communicating. Right now, it looks like you're groveling.
The other aunts do have it right as well when they mentioned that he wants things on his own terms and wants you as an accessory. Time to TAKE IT BACK. This means, you're not hanging by your phone. You're not continuing to talk to him. It's OVER. You said "We're done". To act in any other fashion besides meaning what you said will destroy what little respect he has in you.
He has a health issue and now financial issues. He's messed up. This isn't about his DNA. This isn't about his fertility. This isn't about your fertility. The ball's in his court if he realizes once your presence is gone from his life that he made a mistake.
Purpose in your heart that the next communication be from HIM, not you. Give him silence now. Take back your life. He wanted you out of his life, and you're about to find out whether or not it was the stress of his life, or if he really fell out of love with you.
So you must follow through on your breakup. You must leave him alone and move on. You must let him go. If he comes back, then you can talk. But HE needs to talk. Don't breathe another spoken or written syllable in his direction now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): All right the guys said a little later on that you being infertile is a deal breaker, but for some people having kids is really something they really want and see as an important thing in order to be happy, you don't oppose to having kids, the major problem is, he wants to have kids out of wedlock, and you said that would be a no no, you guys can work this out by getting married before. The problem for you is that he doesn't love you unconditionally like you love him, I don't think that he sees you as a breeder, but imagine if you were one of those girls who wanted to have 5 kids and suddenly after you got married you found out your husband was infertile, that would put a strain on your marriage and in your mind this would spoil your happiness, maybe that's what he wants to make sure doesn't happen, I'm trying to see his side, but I do understand you too and I would also have been deeply hurt if the condition my bf put for us the get married was whether I was fertile or not, you said you have a connection with him, he's the one and etc, well he has shortcomings i'm sure, you mentioned pride and stubbornness I think, well maybe not loving you as much as the hypothetical kids is another one, can you live with it? I think the whole situation would be a lot more difficult to handle if you did not want to have kids AT ALL, but since you do I think you guys can work this out, because let's face it, you seem to love him and this kind of thing will be hard to get over, in a few years you may be well into your thirties and not found someone you love as much and then settle for something less because you want to get married and ironically have kids. You broke up with him through text, now you're sorry, well go and tell him, meet him face to face and tell him, Look I acted in haste I regret it, let's talk things over, tell him how you feel about his conditions and the way you felt, show that you're willing to talk about your relationship and tell him that having a baby now isn't the right time for you ( this is what you could do ift if you want to get back him him) now what I think you should do: well if he's to prideful to call you back and sort this out with you, maybe all the way you were the one that loved more.
"This is what it comes down to because he has everything planned out for him, but he has not tried to plan things out for us. He wants to get a house first to move his family in and then we can get ours together. He really wants his parents to live in a house and stop renting and he wants to take care of them and this goal first before building a life for us. I can understand wanting to take care of your parents, but you have to take care of you and be stable before you can take care of someone else."
If I were you i'd run the opposite direction wanna know why? In the future, money issues will bother as muchy as the baby issues, in the future do you see yourself working to provide housing for your in-laws, what about their other six kids, huh? Sorry but money, like sex in marriage when these things are not good it puts a strain in your relationship on the long run. You're young in my opinion you should look for someone who plans his future with you.
PS.: Does he also have school loans to pay ? If he does, you should run even faster on the opposite direction, since shortage of money will be really a problem, but as it seems he's used to it.
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reader, mschey +, writes (30 March 2012):
mschey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for sharing your story Tennisstar88, and everyone else for your responses.
He just called me. He apologized for not calling back and said he figured we should both cool off. He asked if he could come over after work so we can discuss it, and of course I said yes, and then he asked me if I wanted him to bring by any food or anything, which made a little smile appear because I know that he does care but we need to hash this out.
TennisStar88 is right that he confused infertile with sterile. Nonetheless, he wants his own children, which I understand and it is natural.
He is not trying to start a family now. We are not trying to start a family now. I haven't finished school yet and I am not about to be unwed, pregnant, and without my foot on the career ladder. We both have financial stress right now. I am a couple of years close to 30 so my clock is ticking and I want to get married hopefully by 30/31. His clock is clearly ticking, but we are just not in that place yet. The discussion came about as I started thinking more about marriage, finances, and settling down and I wanted to revisit our future plans and see if we are still on the same page. This infertility test never came up prior to this last convo.
We discussed all of the conception options that you've mentioned and he says that if nothing can be done then that would be the point where he leaves the marriage because he wants his own kids. In order to prevent even coming to this point, he suggested the fertility test before we get engaged to ensure that we can have kids, which I don't think will be a certainty and as you've mentioned, it is not an easy or timely task. He feels that it is better to know now than to find out while we are married and have to endure the stress that you've mentioned. While this sounds practical, I am just floored that he can say he loves me but wont marry me if I can't give him children or will leave.
Tennisstar88 says
"But divorcing someone, or refusing to marry someone because they're infertile??? Where's the profound love you supposedly have for this person? For better or for worse! If he really loves you he would still marry you."
Exactly! Clearly, that implies that your love is not that deep. This is where the issue lies. I want to know if this is how he honestly and seriously feels. Granted we both want kids, and this is a deal breaker for him, for me, I can have them or I can adopt or I can be a great auntie.I am open to options outside of having my own kids. What if he is not sterile? What will he do then?
Anyway, he is on his way over to talk it out and this time we will have to discuss our plans in detail and make sure we both want the same things so that there aren't any future surprises. I am talking about goals, houses, marriage, grad school, kids, etc. We need to be working as a team. We have our individual goals, yes, but if we plan on a future together then we have to be willing to compromise and tailor those goals with the other in mind so we can complete them and build our life together.
I was a little surprised that he called so soon, but I am glad that he did because our relationship is worth working out.
I wish you and your DH the absolute best, Tennisstar88, and again I thank you all for your advice and responses.
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 March 2012):
 Note: Me and my DH have both been diagnosed with dual infertility and are still struggling to conceive. So I know all about infertility.
This is interesting. His biological time clock has went off for his desire for children. Usually men don't have one, or if they do they're not as open with their true feelings. What he's failing to realize, it's not a good time do to his financial stress. A baby will only increase stress, ESPECIALLY the financial aspect. Your not ready and you want to get married first (I agree).
Then he goes on to spout off that if you're IF (infertile) he can't marry you!!! Well what about him? He needs to get a sperm analysis done before he can be ruled out.
Another thing is gynos, fertility specialists are not going to perform fertility testing on you unless you've been actively trying for a year to get pregnant. They'll tell you to come back in a year. Then they submit you thru blood tests, ultra sound, a dye inserted thru your fallopian tubes to check if they're open, and even a surgical procedure where they check your uterus for endometriosis. That's thorough fertility testing.
There are "fertility" tests you can buy made by First Response, but at home fertility tests aren't reliable. Leave it to the specialists.
Besides, if one of you happens to be IF then there is such technology as IUIs, IVF, and ICSI of where you can have a baby. Although it depends on your beliefs, how far you're willing to go etc, and it's NOT an easy decision to make. I think he's getting infertility confused with being sterile. Whereas in your case, your eggs wouldn't be usable or you have issues with your uterine lining. In his case, it would azoospermia or 0 sperm.
I'm not going to lie infertility can cause a ton of strain in a marriage and maybe divorce. Not because of the infertility blame game but the stress it's putting on your marriage with both parties. The constant routine sex each month, the sadness of not being able to conceive, the depression, a lot more fighting than usual in your marriage...and if both parties can't deal then it's time for marriage counseling. If marriage counseling can't salvage it, then it's time to sign the divorce papers.
But divorcing someone, or refusing to marry someone because they're infertile??? Where's the profound love you supposedly have for this person? For better or for worse! If he really loves you he would still marry you. Not marry you just because his biological time clock is ticking loudly and he wants children straight away. You're right, you would essentially be nothing but a baby factory to him.
I think you did the right thing in telling him off and leaving him. He didn't once ask what you wanted to do, and was pushing what he WANTED only on you. A baby and marriage need to be equally wanted by both parties and neither of those things need to be rushed. He should also be respectful of your decision to wait after marriage.
Don't ever be pushed to compromise your strong beliefs. Good for you!
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reader, mschey +, writes (30 March 2012):
mschey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, we've discussed having kids in the beginning. I've brought up pursuing adoption with or without our own kids as a possibility in the past and during our last convo. He is dead set against it. I would adopt a child even if I were able to have my own and I would adopt if I wasn't able to have kids. He only wants his flesh and blood for children.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (30 March 2012):
I just think that if this was so important to him he should have mentioned it a little sooner, such as when they first started talking marriage... Not 2.5 years into the relationship. This is something you normally make clear pretty early on, usually in the dating phase: "What are your plans for the future? Do you want children?". And that should naturally spur into a question of the need for biological children. Anything else is inconsiderate if you ask me, like he sort of assumed that she "knew" he only wanted biological children. So he can have this conversation over the phone like it was the most natural thing in the world. "Oh, but babe, didn't you know I would dump you if you can't reproduce? Why are you over-reacting to this?"
Oh please. It might be a natural and common wish to have, but you don't spring it on your partner after 2.5 years and over the phone. That's close to the equivalent of suddenly, without warning, after 2.5 years, you call your partner and say "I don't want children, do you? Yes? Sorry, we are going to have to end it then".
Pardon the expression, but wtf?? Random much?
Sort of the thing you need to debate, in person, before the relationship gets too serious.
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reader, mschey +, writes (30 March 2012):
mschey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour boyfriend isn't a a bad guy but he has HIS goals, HIS priorities and HIS limits.
Ciar- I hear what you are saying, but let's be clear. I texted him to end the relationship, I sent the email with links on the topic for him to read and realize that he is being a little ridiculous in wanting me to take fertility tests. I called him once and he did not answer. I left no message and I am not calling again. I am giving him time and I am not running after him as I've already reached out.
I have my own goals, plans, and limits as well, but I am also capable of adjusting them so that he can fit into them, the question is will he do the same for me. As Chigirl said, "Find someone who is WITH you, not someone who leads his life and you just being a PART of his plans."
This is what it comes down to because he has everything planned out for him, but he has not tried to plan things out for us. He wants to get a house first to move his family in and then we can get ours together. He really wants his parents to live in a house and stop renting and he wants to take care of them and this goal first before building a life for us. I can understand wanting to take care of your parents, but you have to take care of you and be stable before you can take care of someone else. As someone who owns property, I don't even see how buying a house and having a mortgage, then buying a condo or another house with a second mortgage for us, if we are granted one, then marriage, then kids..it's a lot.
I understand his want to pass on his DNA, I want children too, but the point of marriage is not solely to have kids. This is saying kids are more important to me than our love, and he is not willing to commit to me, unconditionally. I am definitely not having children out of wedlock nor am I taking any fertility test. Either go into this life of commitment with faith or go your way.
Please bear in mind that my bf is 25 in this is his first serious relationship, he is also a recent grad who is focused on buying a house for his family. He has all of these goals and plans for himself, which I applaud, but he has not factored me in there as a team member, it seems like I am supposed to just join his plan.
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reader, doublejack +, writes (30 March 2012):
I have to say that the desire to have children is perfectly normal, and that typically couples cover that ground pretty early on in the relationship. Did you have that conversation before, but just not take it to this level? Your boyfriend appears to be dead set on the idea of having children, to the point that not doing so is a deal breaker for him. Honestly, that's not all that unusual. Relationships come apart for this very reason all the time, as a matter of fact.
There was a young married couple in my neighborhood that attempted to have children, and after a couple of years of failure and some testing, the burden became too much. They ended up divorcing. He kept the house, and five years later he was remarried and had two daughters.
If you and your boyfriend aren't on the same page, it's better it got out before there was a formal commitment, because things only get messier after a marriage. You can't fault your boyfriend for being honest and open, he just really wants children.
Best of luck!
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (30 March 2012):
 I agree with Ciar... he's not a bad guy. He wants to be able to pass on his DNA- how is that an unreasonable thing... yeah, you shouldn't have to compromise your values of having kids out of wedlock- and that's not unreasonable either...
You've hit a road block and neither of you should compromise something that you value personally... so either work it out, or maybe you just aren't right for each other- in that you both want different things.
Personally, I wouldn't marry knowing that my partner was infertile... sorry, but it is what it is.
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reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 March 2012):
 Oh, I forgot to include this...and this is very important. Stick to your guns about not having children before marriage. You're absolutely right on that one and don't budge an inch. THAT does come across as him expecting you to prove your value before he makes a commitment. Screw that.
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reader, Ciar +, writes (30 March 2012):
I know I'm going against the grain here, but I don't think he sees you as a breeding factory. He's simply informed you that having children of his own is very important to him. He also told you that though hurt, he would understand if you had to leave him to have children yourself.
He has set goals and limits for himself and acknowledged that you will do the same. He's not being overly romantic here but he is being practical and fair. This is the sort of stuff you need to iron out now rather than later.
Getting tested before marriage is not unheard of. In fact it used to be a requirement. Not because children were mandatory or because women were seen as breeders, but to avoid unhappy marriages and divorce. We've seen many, many posts from people in despair when they learn one of them can't or won't have children.
Your boyfriend isn't a a bad guy but he has HIS goals, HIS priorities and HIS limits. I suggest you have yours as well. He shouldn't have to sacrifice those for anyone, and you shouldn't either.
In a nutshell, I think the main problem here is you're willing to give up far more to be with him than he is to be with you. If that is so then perhaps he is not the one.
I can understand your frustration, but chasing him is only weakening your case. Breaking up with him, then texting them and sending more messages makes you look desperate. He doesn't have to worry abuot losing you because he knows you're worried about losing him. Next time you have an argument let him come to you. If you don't hear from him by the end of two weeks assume it's over and quietly move on.
One last thing, getting angry is a sign of loss of control. It shows him he has all the power in your life and in the relationship. Resist the urge to lash out. Remain calm and do what I suggested above.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): You are completely right and your boyfriend is completely wrong. Simple as that. He does not love you unconditionally and how dare he impose conditions on you like this.
YOU choose who you'll live with, who you'll marry and when you'll have children.
He sounds like an absolute dilbert - has it never crossed his fevered brain that HE might not be capable of having children?
Run for you life and DO NOT look back! You've had a very narrow escape from this controlling man.
"So Very Confused" I like the way your mind works!
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reader, chigirl +, writes (30 March 2012):
"I deserve to be with someone who loves me unconditionally."
Yes you do. Don't take any fertility tests for his sake, and move on to find a man who is less selfish, and sees things eye to eye with you rather than this guy who appears to want you to follow HIS plan, whether you like that plan or not. Find someone who is WITH you, not someone who leads his life and you just being a PART of his plans.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): So i read ur post and asked my bf with whom we have two little boys together. And i was apalled! He said if it was his issue and he was infertle we would adopt but if i was infertle he isnt sure if he would leave me or not! obviously we already have kids together but now im in doubt. he said for a man having children of their own blood is very important and i told him you wouldnt consider an egg donor or my egg and a serrogate if it were that important to you and he said he didnt believe in that. So hed rather pack up and leave instead. Im w u on this i would leave but in my case we already have our kids so maybe i should blow it up. just makes me stress to others becareful who you have kids with.
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reader, mschey +, writes (30 March 2012):
mschey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought about that but I wouldn't wish bad on him. I think the hardest part is realizing that this person may seriously feel this way. I believe in when a man tells you who he is believe him. I am the first person that he has ever been in love with and loved deeply, and all though I have been in love once before many years before him, he is the first person that I have ever had deep feelings for connection wise and I seriously saw him as the one without a doubt. Still, a part of me feels like maybe he is just talking as someone who has never loved and lost. He always said that if a woman were to break up with him then that would be it, he'd go about his business. I said he hasn't truly loved anyone to really be able to do so. I broke up with him hastily over text message because I was angry. A part of me wants to believe that he will realize what he is losing, but another part of me feels like he is too stubborn or prideful to realize he is wrong, and would it matter if he did, how would I trust him again. It's just hard to imagine that he is not the one after all of the time invested, and feeling and knowing inside that he was the right person. He is the type of person to give you his last dollar or his arm if you need it, even if you wont say it. He has been my best friend and has seen me through a lot, helped me through a lot, financially, emotionally, and vice versa. Right now, I know I did the rational thing by walking away. I imagine that he is hurt and that is why he has not responded, but I can not, no matter how much I love him, let him think that this is OK. Part of me wants him to come to the realization and part of me is sort of prepared for the reality that he just may not (though I can't believe that he is seriously like this). I think that is when it will all set in, but at least I know that I've made room for the right person to come along.
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reader, eek +, writes (30 March 2012):
 for a lot of people one partner not wanting kids is a deal breaker. However stipulating that if your for some reason cant have kids he would leave is just wrong!
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 March 2012):
 I would leave.
and pray for the irony that he is sterile.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 March 2012):
I think you need to read your post and open your eyes. There's no way that this guy is right for you. He sounds pretty callous to me.
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