A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright, so i am gay but i doubt this matters since my question should apply for any relationship.I've had a lot of experiences of breaking up and i've found that it almost always start from when i'm opening up to the one i love. Either because he has become distant, cold or that i feel somewhat insecure due to his sudden change in behaviours. I've been told a lot of times that opening up or confronting your partner is the best way, but is that really true?The person i'm currently with, when i first told him my concern, he was very happy and said that it was good i could open up to him. Yet he didn't change to his "good self" back for too long and kinda asked me if he was being distant. I was honest to him and told him everything. He still acted the same or even worse and more distant. Even more worrying is that i'm afraid he is finding me annoying and clingy with my "confrontations" even if he asks first. What should i do?
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 opening up to someone should not be a confrontation. if you have been seen as clingy in the past maybe others need to open up to YOU about what behaviour its is you are doing that is driving THEM away.
why did he have to change to a "good self"? sometimes in the early days of a relationship people are in a honeymoon and that as this fades things cool down. if they cool down too much it signals the end of the relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): Thanks a lot for all the answers. They're amazing :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): I don't think it is your "opening up" that is what drives your partners away.
rather I think it could be:
1. the fact that maybe you waited too long before "opening up", when problems had already reached the point of no return. So your opening up just came too late such that honesty at that point in the relationship translates to a break up. which is better than if you had kept quiet and the relationship dragged on longer while getting bogged further down with its problems.
2. maybe it's your clinginess that drives the other person away.
3. Confrontation is not the same as "opening up." Opening up means being honest, which is a neutral activity or should be. Confrontation means being negative, adversarial, demanding, and unpleasant. Maybe it is the confrontations that drive the other person away.
if your partner is being distant, I think the first thing to do is to give him the space he is trying so desperately to obtain. getting clingy and trying to bring him back to you is only going to make it worse because that's the last thing he wants right now.
After you have given him space for some time (I don't know how long - it depends. Could be a few days or a few weeks) then I would approach him in a low-key and NON-CONFRONTATIONAL way to try to talk. You need to try to understand where he's coming from, not just tell him of your feelings and why you are unhappy with him. People seek to be understood - you want him to understand you, right? so you need to seek to understand him too and understand why he is distant, even if it reveals truths that are uncomfortable to you/
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (31 March 2012):
 Your partner is probably a little afraid on what to do next.
The best thing you both can do, is admit this feeling of "being distant" and resolve to openly communicate and resolve this.
You can resolve it by doing something/hobby you both love together so you can move past the confrontation.
Of course its good to be honest with the person your with but sometimes people when hearing the way the "truth" is presented, turn off in fear.
Do the above and the feeling should pass.
Goodluck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 March 2012):
 I know what you mean. One person opens up and scares the other away. But in your case it can be different because of where you live.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recognition_of_same-sex_unions_in_Singapore
I wonder why this is so. I find there is a higher percentage of gays in Singapore than anywhere else in the world. Also being Asian I know how your family would make you want to keep anything which is taboo underground.
I think that not having the same rights as other people would make gay people comprehensive about entering into a serious relationship. For a lot of people, a serious relationship often means less fun and more hard work.
I don't think opening up is a reason for break up. It shows that you want more and the other person wants nothing more than just a casual dalliance. Whatever sexuality you are I think it is wise to ask that person what his intentions are before dating. But even then you can't trust his words because people say whatever just to get what he can for the day. Realistically you have to realize that the kind of relationships that your parents and grandparents have had are slowly becoming extinct. For gay people it's even harder, especially in countries where gay marriage is not recognised.
What you should do is determine whether you can be happy as long as he is comfortable with the pace. Or, move across the ocean and you will have much more options.
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