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*itty7499
writes:I found out that my boyfriend of over a year has been taking pictures of other women. Most recently while we were at the beach he took about 20 pictures of young women from all angles in their bikinis. I'm very upset over this but he says it will never happen again and I should forgive him. Help, I need advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I really do feel sorry for you but it would be very difficult for you to have a healthy, normal relationship with him. Because hes neither! And he wont change for you. He may "destroy" the images on the pc...put them on discs. He may delete the images on his mobile...put them on discs. He may never visit a beach again...go to the park, pool, more porn sites instead. But he will never change. I read in my local paper the other day that a pervert had been caught on cctv taking pictures at our local pool. Hes been inprisoned for a year. And that makes me wonder how much you REALLY know about your partners past. Im sure you wont be the only woman who thought he was wonderful at first but then had to deal with his perversion. Some people with perversions want to tell and be accepted. But are too scared to tell you outright. So they "allow" you to discover what they are up to. Its a risk they take in the hope of finding someone who will participate, or at the very least allow them to carry on doing it undisturbed. I get the feeling thats what he might have been doing when he let you look at his computer. Why else would he let you look when he KNEW you would see those images. Im sure hes been in that position before. So expect some well worn excuses and promises now hes gauged your reaction and to him its an "unfavourable" one. Disregard what he tells you and dont hang around. He has a sexual addiction to spying on semi naked girls and taking pictures of them without their consent or knowledge. Hes probably had it for many years. And i dont think you will be able to change him x
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female
reader, kitty7499 +, writes (24 June 2010):
kitty7499 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what I have to do and it is not going to be easy. I really loved this person but cannot tolerate something like this. He needs more help than I could ever give and I know he's not going to change. It is very perverted and I have no respect for him anymore. Thank you Maverick494, anonymous,and myrrh, it really helped to hear your view points. ...and everyone else too.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 June 2010):
Perverts like this man thrive on the understanding of today's society. They protect themselves with 'the benefit of the doubt.' We people always want to think the best of ourselves and others we've come to like. That's why when people do really bad things, those close to them are often surprised. They just never thought that a person who could be nice to them, was capable of doing horrible things. I'm speaking generally now, but it certainly applies to people like him.
If it were me being photographed, and I would catch him doing so, I would beat him up and destroy his camera. I'm not kidding. If it were my boyfriend doing the photographing, and he'd reacted the way yours did after confronting him, I'd kick him out of the house. (And I would probably rip the harddrive out of his laptop and burn it)
So don't be the forgiving one. This guy is a creep. Not only that, he doesn't seem particularly bothered about what he does. He just wants you to forgive him so he can continue doing what he wants. Not only that, but staying with him would be an insult to yourself. You are a intelligent woman and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): I was on a beach in France once, with my husband, and it was a beach where topless bathing was acceptable - plus I was with my hub who was ok with me sunbathing like that but I don't walk up and down the beach like it - thats my rule. I was just reclining back and suddenly noticed a guy taking photos of me nearby. It was obviously me as there was nobody else about. I was livid!! felt totally violated and upset - so angry he could do that without my knowing. I got up, put some clothes on and confronted the guy (he was french so language was a problem) but I demanded his camera. He wouldn't give it to me. Eventually he ran off. I guess now I could have gone to the police. I was worried my photo would end up on some weird site somewhere. Anyway the point of my story is that what your guy is doing can be very upsetting for many women who respect their privacy. You should worry that someone could take the matter to the police. Do you want to be with a guy that uses women like that for his own personal gain or pleasure? Where will he go next with his camera? No -I'd get out of that relationship and fast.
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reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Sounds like a major voyeur. My primary advice is to steer clear of the chap, since these fellows are generally creeps, but if that's not a step you're willing to take, do make it clear he has only so many chances before you pull the plug on the relationship.
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reader, Myrrh +, writes (23 June 2010):
Hi. This is an on going problem for him by the sound of it. I cant understand the stupidity of the man, telling you to check his pc when he must have known he had all those pictures of women there for you to see! He is a pervert, getting his "jollies" by spying on unsuspecting women Im with Heartfullalove. Run! Hes just going to ruin your self esteem. You will never feel comfortable when hes around young women. And if he gets caught he will be in alot of trouble. He will have been doing this sort of thing for years and hs wont stop now. Sneaking around to do it and the stakes if he gets caught, just add to the thrill. Throw him back in the pond. You deserve so much better!
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reader, kitty7499 +, writes (23 June 2010):
kitty7499 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your response. Heartfulalove, I think you summed it up very well! It is definitely invading someones privacy and not normal behavior.
After he got caught I asked him if this was a habitual problem for him and he said NO. He said go ahead and look on my computer if you don't believe me...So with him by my side I opened is photo folders and the first one I see is labeled girls from trip. Before he could say anything I clicked on it and there were many pictures of young girls in bikinis with close ups of body parts, and repeat shots of certain girls that must have been favorites. He grabbed the laptop and said that was all before I knew you. So I don't think he realizes the severity of all this!! So yes Peterpan and CaringGuy, you are both right also!! This just happened Friday so I'm still in shock and disbelief!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): He's a pervert. Not a word I'd employ lightly. Lots of us are to some extent, but...well, there's healthy perv-ing and unhealthy perv-ing. Getting the horn for 20 pretty young girls in their bikinis at the beach? Pretty normal, if he has a pulse. Thinking unspeakable thoughts about them? Fine. Photographing them all without their consent? Run a mile.
As for advice? Eh...my first thought is, run a mile. If he's otherwise an absolutely breathtakingly wonderful person, maybe a get-out card, a clear 'two strikes and you're out' warning, and a seriously frank discussion with him about why he did this and what led him to think it was OK, with especial stress on the fact that he was really invading other people's privacy in a major way.
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reader, lazybone  +, writes (23 June 2010):
When he was taking pictures what you was doing?
if u cud given a attention to him, he wud not done this
And if u had given a attention to him, how can you allow him to caputre the pictures?
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reader, PeterPan +, writes (23 June 2010):
 I'm going to guess that he's not a paparazzi or a professional photographer. That said, I'd dare say that if you went poking around his computer, you'd find evidence his some kind of closet voyeur. At this stage, it's up to you if you want this relationship to continue or not. That said, I would add that I an a former girlfriend were closet fasionistas; TOGETHER we'd comment on what women were wearing wherever we went. I (nor her) ever snapped pictures, but it was funny at times picking on people's idea of fashion.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 June 2010):
Basically he's a peeping tom. That's it. The most concerning part of your post is where you say that he sad "you should forgive him". That sounds awfully like he's not really understood how much he's hurt you and that he's just expecting you to fall into line. I'd suggest really looking at your relationship and deciding very carefully whether this man is worth your time.
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reader, JulietCumberland +, writes (23 June 2010):
If you really like him, and think that he is truly sorry, give him 1 more chance, if not them leave him, find someone who is happy with you! 3
Best of luck
Juliet
xoxo
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reader, Spades  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 He did this right in front of you?!
Clearly has no regard for your bounderies or feelings.
This normally wouldn't be something I would recommend you break up over, but it is extremely inappropriate.
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