A
female
age
36-40,
*ocztka
writes:Hi guys! I need help from you to build my self-confidence. I have a lovely bf and we are planning our future together. However, our sex life is a complete disaster... I run away from him every time he want to get closer to me. The issue is my size, the size of my breasts. Once, he made a "suggestion" that I could have them bigger. This tip almost killed me, as I fell into depression and couldn't stop my tears , he saw me like that. I think he got shocked and didn't even imagine that I could ever react like this, he apologised but... I cant take those words out of my head, it is almost 2 years and I still do not believe him that I am the most beautiful woman in his life. I can't live like this, I don't know what to do to stop thinking that I am less than a woman and start to believe him. I knew about my "size" before, I was affraid he would run away being disappointed and BANG! It happened, he didn't say it literally but certainly meant it! Now, he just simply repeats he was young and stupid but the whole nightmare is still in my head. He doesn't even understand why it was so BIG issue for me Please, tell me what I should do, I don't want to lose him but I want to lose the fear of being rejected again. I keep repeating "I am a lovely woman, the size doesn't mean I am a worthless person" but it never helps :(
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Well, that's not good. You are asking us if you should break up with your boyfriend because he made an inappropriate comment about your breasts?The answer is "no". I think C.Grant summed it up well. We have all said some things that were really hurtful but at the time we didn't understand how mean we sounded. Everyone makes a harsh comment every now and again, and then we realise what we have done but we don't know how to apologise.I think you should just forget about what he said. There is nothing you can do to change your body or personality. But there is something you can do to change the way you think.Every time someone does something or says something which you find offensive, switch off.When you "switch off", it means you are flicking a switch in your head that means "I'm not going to let this worry me".I do it all the time. I switch off and then I avoid feeling miserable about something that was no big deal. You should try it.Having small breasts for a woman might be a terrible thing to the individual personally. But it does not bother guys much at all. Sure some guys would prefer bigger breasts. But some women might prefer a bigger penis. So, what's the difference?As I say, switch off. And find something else to think about.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 oh well as long as we are stating what the boyfriends/husbands like
mine prefers:
young
light eyes
asians
long dark straight hair
large breasts
I'm
old (13 years older than he is)
dark eyes
NOT asian
short curly hair that I do straighten... and the color was bright red when we started dating
perfectly brand new perky size 36 B boobies.... (and when he started with me they were a mishappen flattened sagging horribly 36DD that was mostly skin and repulsive to both of us and yet he still WANTED TO BE WITH ME AND LOVE ME)
and guess what... He's WITH ME BY CHOICE.
I'm not his fantasy girl but then I doubt any of us ARE the fantasy girl our men dream about... it would be boring for them.
This issue is NOT your boyfriend's. This issue is not the size of your breasts.. this issue is the way your brain is working. IF you have access to a body image therapist I strongly suggest you do some work on loving yourself where you are.... not what you would like to be.
My boyfriend would like me to get implants (they were discussed with us by the plastic surgeon that is doing my body reconstruction)... I'm not sure I want them... but guess what... it's UP to ME... not my boyfriend... and if I don't get them.. he'll still love me and love my breasts the way they are...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 1sunshine, your boyfriend obviously also likes small breasted blondes. Or else he'd be with a big breasted brunette, wouldn't he? He can like both things, which I think he also does :)
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (30 October 2011):
 I also have small breasts. My boyfriend has said things to me that were hurtful (but unintentional.) I also know that he likes brunettes (I am a blond) and women with big boobs. I know that what I have to offer to him outshines anybody else that he dated in the past. He is with me and he is so happy. It's all about inner beauty and you showing confidence that you are the best. I personally think that boob jobs are ugly and fake looking, they feel fake also. For me, I enjoying wearing cute little shirts. Women with large breasts can't wear them. I also read that having smaller breasts makes a woman look more youthful when she ages. We won't look all saggy and droopy when that time comes lol ;) Keep your chin up!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): Let me ask you something. Does your boyfriend have a perfect body? Does he look like Adonis, completely flawless, buff body, muscular with a six pack? Didn't think so.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Tbh, I don't see what's the big deal either. So your bf 2 years ago said something unflattering about your breasts. Ok, he was tactless and indelicate, knowing you are touchy about the subject he could have kept his mouth shut. But you chose to irrationally focus on one negative thing he said once, versus all the positive things that have kept you together for 2 years, his love, his attraction to you , his having chosen just you, exactly you, regardless of your breast size. I bet in two years he must have said many nice things to you , maybe about your personality or intelligence or general looks or other specific parts of your body, and still you chose to focus on the one time he put his foot in his mouth.
Honestly I have a problem showing empathy and compassion, I have a problem with people afflicted by massive insecurity trying to make their own problem of poor self image and ill chosen priorities become their partner's problem. Probably your partner DOES see you as the most beautiful woman in the world, because love wear deforming lenses, but, suppose he does not, what's the problem. Why, ARE you actually the most beautiful woman in the world ? Is love supposed to make him literally blind ? Do you HAVE to feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, and why ?
My ex is a handsome man , and I really liked the way he looked . But I did not think he was the best looking ever in the world.. Jude Law looks better than him, Johnny Depp too.Ok, let's forget about the star system and stay close home in real life , his own brother was better looking, similar but taller and more muscular. Did I want to trade him up him with Johnny Depp or with his brother ? No, it would not have even crossed my mind.
When you fall in love with a person you fall in love with the whole person, warts and all , or in your case, breasts and all. Sure, at times some superficial and superflous comment can escape along the lines of " You look so good , if you were taller / slimmer / had bigger breasts, etc. you'd be absolutely smashing ", and I agree that's more delicate and considerate not to voice these kind of comments , we all have our vulnerabilities about how we look .
But , two years and still obsessing about it ? Calling this a nightmare ? Saying ,basically, you CAN'T LIVE if you are not sure he sees you as totally perfect ?
Then, we have a big problem here.... but it's not a problem of breast size, it's a problem of hungry ego and warped, dysfuncional thoughts.
You wisely realize you should change and ask how. Try thinking rationally first. Try thinking "even if ": supposing it were true that your breasts are not "enough " ( btw, enough for what ? Estethics is about tastes, and tastes are individual, some men like small breasts, some like them big, and most like them ALL... but that's another issue ) what would happen ? what's the worst that can happen ? That you are not the most beautiful woman on the plane in his eyes ? And, even if you weren't the most beautiful etc.etc., what it would happen, would he hate you, would he leave you, would he cheat on you... ? And so on and so forth. Ask yourself the right questions, and answer sincerely, you'll probably find out what exactly are you afraid of, why exactly being small breasted is such an issue for you. If you make no headways at all, and your emotions and feelings take anyway total control over your mind, then it's time to seek serious professional help .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): look most guys will just be happy as long as you have boobs i personally LOVE big tits but i have dated plenty of women who have small ones even to the point where they dont exist, superficial stuff will only go so far and at the end of the day whether you have big or small boobs he wont love you any less, dont let your own insecurities ruin a great relationship. my own fiance suffers huge self esteem issues and i know that anything i tell her she simply wont believe me. but i am telling you from a person in a similar situation that he is telling you the truth and would not be with you if the size really was an issue. all that there is left is the voices in your own head which unfortunately count for more than any other. you have to deal with your self esteem issues and the best way is to probably see a therapist or you just may destroy a healthy relationship and then feel even worse.good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): I know how you feel, I feel the same way about my butt, and think about all the songs mentioning girls butts and the music video's, etc. I know guys love butts and I don't have one. I don't let my boyfriend touch mine and I'm always trying to hide it by covering it up. I hate living like this. I don't think i'll ever be happy unless I get butt augmentation done. I don't think there's anything wrong with you getting implants if it'll make you happier.
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A
female
reader, LMnieves +, writes (30 October 2011):
I have been gifted with very large breasts. Not trying to brag, but it hasn't been all that great! Obviously your selfesteem is really low, b/c..you think small breasts make you unattractive or less of a woman. If this helps, look at celebrities! Paris Hilton has very small breasts, and she works them well!Be thankful you don't have big jugs. I'm 20 years old, and i have to take a break after I make my bed every morning, b/c..my back is killing me! No one looks at my face, just my boobs! I've dated guys JUST because i had huge boobs, its a pain to find a bra in my size, I can't wear certain shirts, b/c my boobs pop out..and I look slutty! This guy OBVIOUSLY loves you, and loves you the way you are...or..he wouldn't be with you! Think of positve things about your body rather than negative!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Let’s put this a different way. Have you ever said anything, offhand, that didn’t have any real significance? Of course you have. We all have.
You picked up on this one comment that happened to hit a nerve, and you can’t let go. Turn it around – think of something you said to someone that meant nothing to you, and that you’d be aghast that they still carried around with them. You would really want them to let it go.
I’ve been in a relationship for close to 30 years, and I know that I’ve said countless stupid things to her. The only way the relationship continues to work is because she recognizes that some of the stuff I’ve said to her is just stupid, and bless her she ignores my stupidity when necessary. Our relationship works because we’ve built a life together on things that are important, and have overlooked stupid moments.
He’s still with you. He values you. Get past your own insecurities, or you will lose something valuable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): You know what I think, I think you shouldn't look so down on yourself. Tell me this do you think he would still say that you are the most beautifullest women ever if he really didn't mean it. I am pretty sure if he didn't he would have stopped saying it a long time ago. Stop comparing yourself to other girls, I have the same problem with that too but what girl doesn't do that every so often. I have a fair amount of boobs myself but like all girls you have to realise we all want what we don't have. You have to also realize he has to love you for who you are not what you could be. Let him know how you feel but don't make this into a reason to get into a big fight. Let him know it hurts you that he said that and give him a big hug when saying it. Truthfully, yes that would hurt any girls feelings, but you have to realise there is obviously something really special about you for him to still be with you right! As well, big boobs are nice but there is more to a person than just big boobs, no matter what size you are take pride in just having any! Same with guys, if your guy didn't have big rock hard abs like models do, or he didn't have a huge sized penis, or barely any muscle like in his arms, would you still love him? Truthfully you're the only one who can help yourself with this situation. Only you can realise he loves you for who you are, he's still telling you that after two years after saying that to you over and over again but you're not letting yourself realize it, and that you will ruin the relationship if you don't talk about it with him just to get it off your chest and realise he loves u for who you are, not what you could be. Goodluck, take care.
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A
female
reader, heart245 +, writes (30 October 2011):
There is nothing to worry about two entire years and he is still with you? he obviously does not care about size. I am small breasted as well i brought up once while speaking to my mom and she (having large breast herself) looked at me and said, "trust me you dont want big breast they only cause problems, back problems mainly." My mom suffers from back pain and it is due to her breast. Other problems also arise aside from that women with larger breast are also more prone to breast cancer. So honestly it is better not to have big ones. Thats what i think anyways. I hope i helped :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 October 2011):
It was 2 years ago. I think your insecurity about your own breasts is whats hurting the most here, and not his comments. You are focused on your breasts, and so you remember anything negative or possibly negative you ever heard about them, while ignoring all the wonderful and amazing feedback you've gotten.
You said you've been rejected before, have you been rejected by him before? Because you do not mention that. Was it a rejection before you met him, and that you have carried the insecurities from that rejection into this relationship?
You need to work on this, and if working on it by yourself isn't helpful then you should seek help from the outside. I suggest you talk to a therapist, they aren't just for crazy people you know. A therapist is a healthy outlet of emotions, and they can help you put things in perspective and understand why you feel the way you do about yourself, or about your breasts.
Of course, you KNOW that your size doesn't make you less of a woman, or worth less as a person. Your logic knows this. Your logic also knows that your man is perfectly happy with your breasts, and that men from time to time to step in the salad and say the wrong things. But that's men, they don't mean any harm by it. And at that time, you said he got shocked by your reaction, I believe he was shocked because he genuinely didn't think it was an area of insecurity for you.
However, no matter what logic tells you, your heart doesn't understand this. You need to know this in your heart, at the core, and feel at peace with it. Your boyfriend can't help you with that I am afraid, you will just have to take the plunge and... trust him. And trust in his love for you. And then work on the problem you have, work to make it better and not worse.
Most of us have an insecurity about something, and often it comes from a bad experience or rejection, or something that happened, like a reaction you got. Even if it happened just once, some things stick to our minds, no matter how many times we are told otherwise.
Me personally, I have an insecurity about letting a man go down on me. It's the only way I've ever managed to orgasm, but I am insecure about laying down and enjoying it happen, I am insecure about having an orgasm. I once had a boyfriend who shamed me for masturbating, saying things like he should be the one to make me orgasm, even though he never managed to. That really killed it for me, and I have huge problems allowing a man to see me orgasm these days. It's something I work on in small steps, and can react like crazy if I feel rejected as well.
An insecurity isn't easy to deal with because it is so un-logical. It doesn't make sense. And yet it is there.
What I do now, with boyfriends (and yes there's been a few since that first one who made those comments), I talk about it with them. It's horrible because I feel so vulnerable when I speak about it, but I do. I tell them exactly how it is. I have this insecurity. I'd very much like to get rid of it, but it takes special attention and special treatment. For example I easily feel hurt or rejected when it comes to this insecurity. I'd never ask a man to go down on me. But if he doesn't then I am hurt. I'd also never ask a man to continue until I come, but if he never tries I'll be hurt too. Often if he asks to perform oral on me I will tell him no, because I don't feel comfortable enough about it. But I still need him to ask. Doesn't make much sense, does it, but that's how it works.
Find out how you can make things work with your boyfriend, and TALK about this, in depth, and don't allow yourself to be too scared to talk about it. Tell him it isn't what he did, really, it isn't, it's your insecurity. And that you want to deal with it, but that it is a process, and it will take time.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, oneguy +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Hi,Many many years ago, around eight, my Father once called me "ungrateful" when talking to my Uncle and Aunt - I was shocked and hurt, but kept quiet and forgot about it. Last year however, I raked it up again and tortured my Father last year on why He called me that at all when I was nowhere near ungrateful to anybody. He couldn't understand why I was so worked up, which shocked me much much more.For some reason, I wanted to punish my Father for it. I love Him so much, and I could never want to do something like what I did. But still I was out to do it - and built anger into a rage. I was hell bent on making Him apologize for it and He finally did though He said He never meant anything like that.So you see, there are two points here.One, men, talk a lot of BS and throw around words. I am a man, but I don't do that. Apparently, I'm as rare as a Europan rock on the earth. Men don't mean whatever they say. Even the loving and nice ones. Shame, but true.Two, looking back, I realize I brought up that point at a point in my life where I was under tremendous pressure and insult from others in my life - specifically, at my work. I was never able to get back at them, and I was subconsciously looking to expend my frustration elsewhere, and who else but our most loved ones would allow us to get away with the kind of BS we throw at them?Don't even think of continuing making the mistake you are making right now. To me it looks like your boyfriend really loves you and wants to be with you. Else he would have brought up this stupid topic again and again and troubled you and made you feel worse about yourself - but he did the opposite. Men sometimes get stupid thoughts, or they throw thoughtless words at others. You need to start practicing how to see when they really mean what they say and when they're saying it without real intent.I feel quite bad that I troubled my Father the way I did. Please don't make the same mistake that I made. Or a different one for that matter in this regard.In case you are having trouble elsewhere (this needn't be a necessity but somehow it looks like you probably are currently low on confidence due to some factors), you should address those issues in a progressive way. Your boyfriend can probably help you in some ways on that. Or consult close friends or Parents or well wishers.Best,
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 October 2011):
If it was 2 years ago, you need to let it go. He is obviously still with you small breasts or not.
If he brings it up again.,... Ask him how he would feel if you said the same about his penis..
I would suggest you work on your body image. No one.. not even super models are perfect.
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (30 October 2011):
 I don't think you have anything to be self conscious about. Yes, your boyfriend spoke without thinking and it hurt your feelings, but do you honestly think that the size of your boobs makes or breaks his love for you? Well, it doesn't. Some men just REALLY like boobs and the bigger the better. But they would be happy with someone who has smaller boobs but is a beautiful person inside and out rather than be with someone with huge boobs who is a bitch.
And so many men don't even realize the impact their words will have on their significant others. It's just a simple fact. Most women are very sensitive and will modify their words before saying something, whereas most men don't have that "modifier" gene. My husband used to say things that would hurt my feelings a lot and not even realize he did it. I actually had to tell him that he would do that before he realized it. Maybe you should try that with your boyfriend. Tell him why his words hurt you and explain that you want to feel like you are the hottest woman he knows. Maybe he will try to modify his words from now on, or just not speak them, when they may seem a little harsh.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2011): Even if you had bigger breasts I dont think it would change anything. I know there are things I am not happy about but if I changed them it wouldnt make me any happier as I would pick something else I feel isnt perfect!
It has been two years so he is obviously with you for the long term. I would take his word that he was young and stupid-boys do not get how obsessive a woman can become over her body and he was probably really really naive and said something that should have stayed in his head!!
Trust him and know yourself that if you werent beautiful inside and outside then you wouldnt have a 2 year relationship together.
My advice would be to forgive and forget, do not bring it up anymore in your relationship and focus on happy times ahead. Build up your confidence by being intimate together in situations that make you feel comfortable e.g. low lighting. If you ever get body doubts (i dont think you would find a woman who doesnt!) just remind yourself that you are unique and he loves you for it.
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female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (29 October 2011):
 Wow, you are clearly insecure, and i don't think it's just about the size of your breasts. I think you may have abandonment or rejection issues. If these self-help phrases aren't working, then you need to take it to the next step.
Get some professional help, it'll be hard, but you can't carry on this way, not unless you save up and get breast implants...
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