A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:About a year and a half ago my boyfriend's father passed away in a car accident. SInce then there have been a lot of family issues that came up, along with the normal formalities of a death.Everything between us carried on as normally as it could for about a year. About 3 months before the one year anniversary of the death I left to study abroad in Europe for 3 months. We were always a couple who gave each other a lot of space, so I didn't think that being apart for that long would be a huge deal. He ended up missing me a lot while I was gone, and I know that he had a hard time with it since I was really the only person he opened up to about his father.The day before the 1 year anniversary of the accident (1 month before I came back home) he broke up with me. He explained that he still loved me and cared for me, but that it was not the right time in his life to be in a relationship but that he felt as though we were together for a reason and that regardless of how much time passed, it would bring us together again.We have been broken up for about 6 months but things between us have been almost as though we're dating. We still have a physical relationship, still hang out and talk on the phone and still tell each other we love each other. He has assured me time and again that he has not been with anyone else and that isn't going to, and I have told him the same. Really the only difference has been that we do not see each other or talk as often as we used, but it is still very often.I am very torn. I am very much in love with him and I know that he feels the same way about me. He has told me he does not think it's fair to ask me to wait for him and has said that if I did find someone else he wouldn't hate me, but that he would be upset. I have tried moving on but nothing works, and I have not met anyone else who even comes close to him.I am torn. I don't know if I should move on or if I should wait for him. I try to talk to him about it but he simply says that it's not a decision he can make for me and that he respects what I choose either way, but that no matter what he wants me to be a part of his life.Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): OK let me get this straight. He's keeping you in limbo. He is the one who decided to break up yet he said he is sure you will end up together again. You're officially broken up yet you're still having sex, still talking on the phone, still seeing each other. he says you're free to date other people, yet he will be upset if you do. so basically the only difference since your break up is that you see each other less often, that's all. but other than that all the terms and conditions and rules still apply.This is clearly a very unsatisfactory situation. Either he's hiding something (like maybe he's got someone else on the side and waiting to see how that pans out before letting you go completely) or else he's got an aversion to working through relationship problems with you and is using this 'break up' as an avoidance tactic to not have to face whatever it is he's unhappy about in the relationship yet still retain the perks. right now he doesn't want a real relationship for whatever reason. Yet he still wants to retain the benefits that are exclusive to being in a real relationship. I'm sorry but this shouldn't be acceptable because it makes no sense and is hurtful to his partner - i.e. you - because he's not letting you go and yet he's not really keeping you either. like I said, he's keeping you in limbo which is worse than a real breakup in my opinion.I would ask him to either work with you on the relationship if he actually does want to be with you, or else you two should break up 'for real.' This is not an ultimatum or anything, don't use this as a way to get him to re-commit to you because that's what you want. Simply present him with these two honest choices, for your own sake. also you don't have to accept his terms and conditions if you can't handle it emotionally. You can start dating other people if you want to. you can cut back on the time you spend together if it always leaves you wanting more but which he won't give. time for you to start setting some limits for yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): Talk to him and ask him specifically why he doesn't want to be in a relationship now. You really need a specific answer for this not some vague explanation which keeps you hanging on forever with a suggestion that you will be together again. How long were you together?
As long as you're still in a relationship with him you won't get any distance from all of this. Start meeting new people and let him know you need some time apart if he is not going to decide to recommit to you. What he is doing is manipulative, he is keeping you tied to him but keeping his options open for whatever may come since he is not your bf anymore.
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