A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Iv been dating a guy since January and he has just told me that at the end of may he will be going on holiday for a week to Tenerife with his ex wife and their two children. He says it's just to make the children happy but I still feel jealous and insecure about the situation. Do you think it's reasonable and I should just accept it or do you think I should say something?
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female
reader, Missundastood  +, writes (1 April 2022):
I'm in the same boat my boyfriend is going away for the weekend to visit his grown son with his Baby Mama and daughter and I'm done. He is trying to be slick and I'm not gonna put up with the disrespect to our relationship and my feelings..I'm really hurt behind thus and to top it off ge us paying for everyone. He don't even go on trips with me. RUN GIRL! leave him where he is because it doesn't take a genius to figure it out he trying to creep and using the kids as an excuse..be dome there is someone out there who will treat you like you deserve
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): No this is not acceptable of him to do and it's not normal. They can each go on vacation with the kids by themselves. that option certainly exists so for them to go on vacation together has no justification.There is no reason they have to all go together UNLESS their new partners also join in - such as, you, and the ex-wife's new boyfriend if she has one.Otherwise, ex-husband and ex-wife and their kids going on a family vacation together is not normal if either of the adults has a new partner. Look at it this way. let's say that they didn't have kids. Would it be OK for them to go on vacation together? No. So why would having kids suddenly make it OK? If, as I already pointed out, he can go with his kids by themselves and she can go with the kids at another time by themselves.as for the "to make the kids happy" thing. That's wrong. There's a lot of things that would make the kids happy but which you dont' do because it's wrong. For example: the kids would love to eat nothing but pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner all day every day. But you don't do that because it's bad for them. The kids would love to play video games 24/7 but you don't let them because it's bad to do it that much. Similarly, the kids would love to have their mom and dad "together" again but that doesn't mean it's right and it's up to the adults to draw the boundaries of what is right and wrong.it's also going to seriously confuse and screw up the kids if their divorced parents are playing house again. It's preventing the kids from moving on and adapting to reality. It's sort of yanking them around, giving them false hope only to pull it away and thus massively confuse them, which is very unfair to them.Personally I'd be suspicious of your boyfriend if he's doing this. I wonder if their relationship isn't really over and they are using their kids as an excuse to get back together - which is nothing wrong (single people can get back together if they want, there's no law against that) if one of them hadn't already started a new relationship with someone else. But since he did, that makes this wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): Definately not acceptable. I know people who have done this. It is disrespectful to you and your relationship. I would NEVER go on a trip with my children's father while I am in a relationship. I MIGHT if I wasn't. And I would never ask him to go on a trip with me if he was in a relationship (unless I wanted him back). There is a 50/50 chance it isn't what it seems, and you will possibly never know. But either way, it is disrespectful. And it is NOT about the kids. I have been the mother, the new girlfriend, the ex... I have been all of those and in no circumstances (unless we were both single) would it be ok. Tell him you are not OK with it. If he chooses to go, then YOU decide if it is a deal breaker for you or not. Either way, you are RIGHT.... it is all about what YOU can accept.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 Are you sure she's really his "ex" wife? Sounds to me he may still be married and he's just kept that as a secret so he can play around with you. Trust me ex-husbands do NOT go on vacation with their ex-wives. Ever. I don't care how many kids are involved. He's lying about something. You'd be wise to figure out if he could possibly still be married to her. And don't be fooled just because he has his own apartment. If he's got money he could afford to have a small apartment on the side. And a suburban life in another neighboring city. He spends the week nights in his apartment cuz it's close to work and his week-ends in suburbia with his wife and kids. This sounds very fishy to me.
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female
reader, golddigger99 +, writes (28 April 2012):
 First and foremost, you said you were "dating". Is this casual dating or are you exclusive??? Is he your boyfriend? If the answer is YES, he is your boyfriend and you are exclusive, then I think it's fishy! Why would he go on vacation with his ex-wife? It doesn't make sense to me, but then again, I'm not divorced, so I don't understand what he's thinking. Maybe he would consider taking you along if you had been dating longer, but I agree with a few of the other comments here--this is a tough one.Hope it all works out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): I think you should accept it. A father should never stop spending time with his kids. You have to trust him. Let him go and have fun with his kids. Maybe you and him should spend some time with his kids to.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (27 April 2012):
This does seem unreasonable. His children will always, of course, have to come first, but surely he could either take them on holiday himself, or if not have nice days out with them instead? It’s less about whether what he’s doing is acceptable or not, and more a question of how you feel about it, but it is certainly not unreasonable for you to be unhappy about this and you’ve every right to express your views on the situation. Many people would be very uncomfortable with this, and who could blame them?How long have the children’s parents been separated? He may well be going on this holiday to try and keep things as normal for his children as possible, but even if those are his noble intentions, the reality is that it’s better to try and get them accustomed to the fact that their parents have separated, and that things will be different now. If you’ve not already been introduced to them, eventually they will have to know that you are their father’s new girlfriend. Therefore, even if you yourself could come to accept this situation, I’d question whether it’s actually in the best interests of the children, even if he does mean well.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 April 2012):
 I don’t think it’s reasonable for parents who are divorced to pretend to have a working life together just for the children. Once I left the father of my children I did NOT want to be on vacation with him, if I had wanted to be with him I would have stayed with him.
I would not feel jealous or insecure I would find it annoying. IF they are taking their respective new partners (as Honeypie’s friends did) I have no problem with it. My problem is with the PRETENDING that the marriage is good.
Are they pretending to be a couple for the kids or are they in separate rooms? IF so why can’t you go too?
how long are they divorced/separated does he see the kids regularly... so many questions to answer to determine the best way to handle this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): I do think you have to accept it, yes. But you dont have to like it. When couples split up they split for a reason, the children accept it eventually and adjust to a new way of life
Going on holiday together sends out the wrong message to the kids, I mean,why Tennerife, why not say,Skegness where one parent could have the kids and the other visit for a day.
I would think twice about getting too involved with this man. Something is amiss here in my opinion.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2012):
 My best friend's parents divorced when she was a kid and yes, they would vacation with their parents every other summer, the Dad brought his new wife and later the Mom her new husband too. They were all quite civil.
I think it comes down to a lot of things. Like how long ago did they break up?, when did they divorce?, how long ago was the vacation planned? How do they deal with each other now? Does she know about you? Have you met the kids yet?
I can honestly see why you aren't invited, yet. It's only bee a good 3 months since you started dating, so it does make sense to wait til you both know if you are in for the long haul or not.
I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that he is going to spend time with the ex wife. And this vacation could have been planned for a long time.
I would talk to him some more about this.
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female
reader, Latti +, writes (27 April 2012):
I think...at some point....it should be addressed so at least he knows how you feel before this happens again. Now being that you have been dating for a few months, it sounds as if it was planned before you were serious & he may not have known where your relationship was going early on.
I do feel that you need to discuss boundaries! Have you met the kids? Does the ex-wife know that he is in a relationship with you? How often do they plan these kinds of trips? WHAT ARE THE SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS???
I think because the relationship is still very new...don't get to upset, but as time goes on with the two of you....you need a better understanding of this situation. Because at some point he can't keep "Pretending" for the kids sake....its actually not healthy especially if they are divorced.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (27 April 2012):
I've been through a divorce and my ex-wife and I have a daughter. I would NEVER think of going on a trip with her. I find it highly, highly irregular that your boyfriend wants to do this. It is difficult enough to move on from a failed marriage, and spending time vacationing together will just bring back old feelings and wounds. He also has to know how this makes you feel, so he's showing you disrespect.It also sends the wrong message to the children, that there's hope of their parents getting back together. If the marriage is over, it is time for the adults to start acting like it is... not pretending that everything is OK.My advise is to break off this relationship. You have every right to feel jealous and insecure, and this man apparently has a problem setting proper boundaries. He's not likely to change, and the ex-wife will be a continual problem in your relationship.Best of luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): You are with him for 4 months and he only told you NOW that he is going on a week's family holiday?
Is he divorce? Or merely seperated?
Does his wife and kids know that you exist?
How serious is this man about you? Merely a fling or does he see you both long term, possibly marriage???
I hate double standards: pretending to be happy with mummy and vice versa, just for the kids?? Doesnt wash with me. I believe this will mess up the kids even more bec after the holidays daddy wont be home anymore/ again....
LoveGirl
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 April 2012):
 Wow! This is a tough one.
How long have they been divorced, or separated? Was the holiday booked before they split. Is he going to help take care of the kids? Is it just then nuclear family or are there others going in the group?
When was the holiday booked, who booked it. Why did they split up, have they split up?
As has been said, if he and his ex wife are in separate rooms there is not a lot you can complain about.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 April 2012):
 This one is really tricky and I think subject to individual situations. You and he are just starting out (3 month relationship), and you didn't mention how long they've been apart. This one isn't cut and dry like most situations on here present.
Are he and his ex-wife sleeping in separate rooms? How long have they divorced? After several years divorced, I don't think there's a lot of reason why the kids need the nuclear family on vacation, unless you're with him in a separate room.
If the divorce is really fresh, and they are in separate rooms, and the kids are still really in pain, I could possibly accept that they'd take a vacation for their sake.
I don't know the mindset of the ex. Is she trying to get him back? Who was the one who filed, and why? (No, you don't have to answer on here if you don't want to)
Boy, I don't know! There are just too many variables to factor into this to say definitively. The main reason I'd lean towards his going would be for the kid's sake. The main reason I'd have a problem with it is because I know nothing about why they broke up, or how long ago, or if he has other contact with his ex that isn't kids-related.
I'd love to hear other opinions on this, because really, I could argue either way without knowing more about this situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): I know there is the reason 'its for the kids' but is it really necessary to go all the way to Tenerife? I would be feeling very let down in your situation. There are lots of holidays or weekend trips out that could be arranged that don't involve a week in the sun overseas. When I read things like this it makes me wonder why people ever split up if they are still prepared to spend a week together on holiday - kids or not. How long ago did he break from his wife? Are they divorced or just separated? This is a very difficult situation you are in. You might want to ask yourself whether you want to be with a man who feels the need to go on holiday with his ex wife. He could easily take the children on holiday in the UK on his own and his ex wife visit during the daytime for activities or trips to beaches, attractions etc with the children. There are ways around the problem.
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