A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:After 18 years of marriage and just 2 days before my 40th birthday I get an email from a solicitor to say my husband wants a divorce while I was away. We have had a rocky marriage for several years and I had gone away on a holiday, to encompass my birthday, in which i was volunteering for a charity - this was supposed to be a time for reflection for both of us to start again on my return with a fresh perspective and my husband agreed the duration of 3 months was necessary and encouraged me. However while I was away he went through locked boxes and found old diaries in which I had vented my feelings, including about him - some of it was not pleasant. I have known him since I was 15 years old and yet he will not speak to me, upon his solicitors advice. I am dreading the next solicitors letter. I sent a text, no response. I flew home immediately as he had also taken the dog as well as furniture out the house. I have found it very difficult to accept that we cannot talk having known this man for so long. Whatever the outcome we owe it to each other to speak like adults that were once in love and cared - I am so hurt at the method, the timing and the silence. I am sure it is too late to salvage anything and his actions have made me wonder what the point would be if he can be that cold. What can I do to get through this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): Your husband is an immature coward. He violated all standards of decency by going through your private diaries. He is completely in the wrong.it's not like you were having an affair and it was all written about in those diaries that he found, right? Instead, your marriage has been troubled for a long time now, so should it really be any surprise that if he is insisting on violating your privacy and reading your private thoughts to yourself, that it's not going to be very pleasant?? What did he expect?? And then when he finds unpleasant entries about himself, some of them written LONG AGO, what does he do? Flip out, ignore your agreement for this separation time to be a time to reflect and then to talk again. Instead he can't handle seeing hearing anything negative about himself so he wants a divorce immediately, no further discussion. And then he doesn't have the courtesy to contact you, instead hiding behind his solicitor.I'm sorry that it happened this way, but I think this is the sign from above you need that your marriage should be ended. Your husband is clearly not relationship material if he can't even abide by some simple rules of decency in interpersonal relationships let alone marriage.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 What Tisha said.
#1 GET a GOOD divorce attorney
#2 get a good therapist to help you work through the betrayal your soon to be ex has foisted on you
he betrayed you by
a. reading your locked diaries
b. filing for divorce without so much as a by your leave
c. refusing to talk to you like a grown up
obviously he can't cope with adult negative feelings and is behaving badly....
best of luck to you.... it's a rough patch but I bet you will come out of this better than before.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 April 2012):
 Find a solicitor who specializes in family law if you have kids. The process has begun and you have to get your head straight pretty quickly because there is a lot to do.
Priorities are roof, money and access for the kids.
If you have no kids you need to begin itemising everything he has removed from the house and who paid for what. Once he has left the marital home, he cannot just walk back in and take more stuff although he may claim it through the divorce process. As you are married, everything is 50/50 so you need to find a decent understanding divorce solicitor who can guide you through the minefield.
Talking to him at this point is a very bad choice as he may get you to agree to certain terms to do with finance when you arn't in a stable state to make a lucid decision.
As the other aunts have said, lean on your friends and family for support, avoid joint friends for now because that reduces the potential for hearsay and you don't want to give anything away until you have contacted a lawyer.
I sympathise having been through divorce myself, it's very stressful but there is light at the end of the tunnel as long as you keep your head clear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): Yes, your husband had been cowardly, waiting till you were away to end things. Not wanting confrontation or any discussion. But you can take this as a sign that he wanted to end things without having to justify his thoughts or actions. So the omens are not good. I would say it's over. No mulling over what is in his eyes is a relationship that has run it's course. Maybe he has done you a favour - sometimes a swift end is the best way, not dragging things out in a sad and hopeless way. Gather as much courage as you can and look forward.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): This happened to me. My husband was up to no good and we weren't getting on. He told me we were going to try again and work things out but when I came back from the school run after the weekend there was a letter on the mat from a solicitor from him requesting a divorce. He had clearly been planning this for a few weeks and had been just playing me along. I thought I was going to die. Put your emotions and upset to one side because as Tisha-1 says he is now way ahead of you on the divorce stakes so you need to get a lawyer quick and decide what you want and what you need to live a comfortable life. Do not text him or ring him, from experience he will not want to speak to you or want to communicate with you. You will be unable to think cleverly or clearly at the moment so you need the cold commercial impartial advice from a lawyer then you can turn to your friends for support.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 April 2012):
 Call your friends who may have great referrals for the shark. There are steps you need to take that are counterintuitive, I've learned, so make that your top priority.
Sorry he's pulled the rug out from under you like this but you have to move forward now, not spend time trying to figure it out. That can happen later when you have a plan, okay? Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 April 2012):
Hire a shark of an attorney, like, TODAY. He's way out ahead of you and you need help right now. Get the practical planing started and call friends for emotional support.
Lawyer, first. Then friends and family.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 April 2012):
 I agree that your husband is a coward for moving out while you were gone and initiating divorce proceedings via a solicitor.
However, if your marriage is already on the rocks, then what you did by going away for 3 months isn't a holiday. It's a trial separation. A holiday is a week to 2 weeks, not a quarter of a year.
But now, that's neither here nor there. You have had time to be apart from him. Now's the time to get lawyered up yourself and deal with this. He has already taken it past the "talking it out" stage, meaning while you were "working through" things during your separation, he was working out an exit strategy, so you're behind the 8-ball.
Deal with the finances of the marriage breakup. Deal with the legal and logistical issues concerning it, and though I know the hurt and pain are all you're focused on now, if you don't see past it to your future without him, then you will get buried.
I'm sorry you have a long and painful road ahead. Lean on family and friends for support now, because you'll need them, and they'll be your greatest comfort.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): I am very sorry for your pain & I know this is difficult to deal with. Your husband is a COWARD! He could not face you to tell you the truth himself so he uses some cheesy solicitor to do the dirty work for him & of course, now he is MIA (missing in action).
2 years ago, I went through almost the exact same thing after being married for 10 years. My husband abandoned his family & only wanted to communicate via text! I was devastated to say the least. I could not believe this man, my best friend, would do this to me & our 2 infant children ( my kids were 1 & 2 yrs old). I was in total shock for a few weeks, but I survived!
Its time to make your own game plan! He made his while you were away & now its time for you to wake up & take action. It does not sound like he is willing to go to couseling, but you need to protect yourself in other areas. I'm sure he has already gone through bank accounts, but you need to change accounts, pin numbers, check on investments etc. You really need to contact a lawyer...divorce lawyer & prepare yourself for what maybe coming down the road.
Leave him alone....he does not want to talk...& you can't force him to. When a man moves out...he is emotionally detached & has been for sometime now. That's why he seems so cold to you....emotionally he is not connected to you anymore. There may also be SOMEONE ELSE in the picture. Prepare yourself for that as well. In order for you to move on...you have to work through the pain & the fact that "Closure" may not come from him anytime soon. Find some counseling for yourself, support group, church, start working out. You need to be busy these next few months to help keep you from falling into a deeper depression.
It will be OKAY....there is life after EVERYONE. He is not the end of your world, although it may seem that way...right now. You will survive! If I could survive with 2 infant children.....you can survive! Everyday will not easy...but everyday will not be hard! Work on you! Love you more & do you better! You will get pass this. I wish you the best!
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