A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Long story short, I found out over the last couple of days that my boyfriend has a really bad temper. I haven't been dating him for long and i've known hes had a bad temper for a while but i'm now getting a bit concerned. It sounds rather stupid, but you see alot of things have been going wrong recently with his home life and he has been running away alot, my door is always open to him so he's been coming here over the last week because he's found it too hard at home. However, the other day my parents had a conversation with his mother and she just said something which has been making me worry, her words were something like "he loses his temper all the time, and he's been known to break things and get violent, you don't want him doing that around your house do you?". He's been kicked out of alot of schools for getting violent, he's broken someones jaw, jabbed someone in the face with a broken bottle, broke someones arm. He's told me all of this before, but said all of those people started a fight with him first so he was just defending himself. However it all seems abit wierd or is it just me? I've been kinda worrying if he does ever lose his temper would he hurt me? He has talked to me about it and said he loves me too much and would never even shout at me and in all fairness he's never even raised his voice to me. Its strange just because he is the calmest person ever, he's rather well built and he is 6 foot 2, but he's just like a big softie i could never imagine him doing any of the things he has done in his past, he did say he has changed. I'm just want someone's opinion, am i worrying too much? i do trust he wouldn't ever do anything like that to me so should i just forget it or do you think this is just some sort of time bomb waiting to go off at the wrong moment? Thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for getting back to me :).
As for the cindycares qeustion, i am definitly not okay with him hurting other people as i am a very calm person and i absoultly hate violence.
He isn't the sort of person who goes round on purposely intimidating people or a "bully" as some would say. Infact he is incredibably sweet and quite sensitive.
The occasion with the bottle happened almost two years ago (of course thats no excuse) But he did explain to me that this kid had been bullying him for years and i guess it just pushed his buttons.
There have only been a couple of occasions where he has fliped beyond beliefe but since the bottle inccident he hasn't acutally hurt anyone.
I would never go out with a thug, and since he has been going out with me he has calmed down and giving up alot of bad habits which i'm happy with.
I'm gonna stick with him no matter what and i'm very happy i met him.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 April 2012):
 Because of the past violence (his and others) and his mental makeup, he will always have to continue to watch his emotions, actions and feelings. This is not something that will ever be passed or conquered, he will have to be aware of his temper for the rest of his life. It does sound however that you two are doing well and I wish you both luck.
Thanks for taking the time to come back and update us all on your situation.
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 It sounds like things are settling down for him, which is good to hear. I hope he is able to consistently walk away, and more importantly, not wind up in situations which escalate to the point of him needing to walk away.
Naturally, you are focused on how he treats you, remember though that other humans deserve to be free from fear of physical injury as well.
I noticed you never answered CindyCares' question: "I'm still left curious and with no answer to my question : assuming that he's the kind of guy who would never ever hit a woman, or at least never ever hit YOU - and assuming therefore you are safe... are you fine with his violent past, personality and tendencies ? I.e. : as long as he does not hit you,...then it's fine if he hit or will hit other people ?" Are you really okay with him hitting other people as long as he doesn't raise a hand to you? I think this is how some women wind up in abusive relationships. I hope this does not happen to you, if you should happen to disagree with him on something.
He's had a very awful lesson at home, if his father beat him. I hope he's no longer at risk for beatings? I hope he also has been getting counseling which will prevent him from mimicking his dad's awful behavior.
I like your last sentence, and I sincerely hope that his violence is in the past. There are other ways of coping with stress, and if he has autism, he needs to learn them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry i never replied to this qeustion, but my access to my internet had been terminated for a whole month. I just thought i would give people abit of a update on this situation. I posted this qeustion after i had been going out with him for about 2 weeks, i didn't know him to well and i had only really been going off what i had been told. I've now been dating him for 2 months and well it may just be because i am a young teenager but i beleive i may well be in love. Ive never met or found someone who understands me so well. We have talked alot about all this violence and his anger outburtsts since this qeustion and it was revealed not that long ago he has been suffering from domestic abuse ( regular extreame beatings from his farther) for up to 3 years. It was why he would always run away to me aas he saw my home as a safe house. The domestic violence has now settled down and been sorted out by social services and his home life is much better. I've learnt alot about him and i now know he would never hurt me and infact over the last two months he hasn't had any angry outbursts and infact there was an occasion where something did pull his trigger and he done something i was very proud of and walked away. Also with his autism we have talked about that alot too, and i now see past it and completely understand him. I love him to pieces and infact i will stand by the phrase "never judge a book by its cover". As just because he may of had a bad past doesn't mean hes a bad person.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 February 2012):
Sorry, really should think more talk less...It's the autism, that's the main problem... and therefore, yes, he could be dangerous to you as well. He has problems at home because he is smashing up his mother's house. He needs medical help or therapy (for autism) to learn how to behave better, help with communication and difficult emotions. If he's been thrown out of school, they should have identified this and provided him with the specialist help he needs. If you're at the same school, have a word with the school nurse in confidence about this issue and ask her what help is available.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 February 2012):
Yep, I've known guys like this. Big softies, tall and well built, wouldn't hurt a fly, quiet as a mouse. Yep, an attractive target for bullies who think because he's built big he must like to fight. Went to school with guys like that, I got friends like that. So they end up fighting to stop being bullied, and they end up with serious anger problems.
Pity really.
Problem is, as has been said, unless he learns to deal with it, without getting out bottles and knives, he's gonna wind up dead, in jail or in hospital. If your his girl, well, you can end up getting badly hurt just because someone's punch or kick went the wrong way. Also not sure about the guy's he's fighting, could be they attack you to get back at him.
He needs to learn another way to deal with people who try to insult and bully him. School should be able to help or some of the youth groups. You mentioned autism, yep, I can see that causing him to misunderstand and take offence at little things. As well as cause other people to misunderstand and insult him. Some autistic people do get frustrated and hit out because of their difficulties in communicating. He really does need someone to help him, and right now if his mother is giving out warnings, then you'd be a fool not to listen.
Try to see if you can get in touch with autistic groups, or find someone in the youth work team (or even the police) who are skilled at dealing with teenagers with anger problems. Martial arts classes and Boxing gyms usually have trained mentors who know how to take this violent anger, channel it and turn it into something more positive. Tell him, if you ever see him violent, to anyone at all, then you will walk away and won't look back.. if he can't control his temper around you, then he's too dangerous to date, and you will look terrible in bandages or black.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Sigh . This is one of the most depressing updates I 've read on DC.
Of course he regrets what he's done, I'd like to see if he were even proud of it, then he'd be a total freaking psycho ! The question here is not , does he regret it, but : can he stop doing it ? Can he control himself ?
What happens next time somebody throws a punch or pisses him off or makes fun of his autism ? ...
Nothing ? He 'll just show grace under pressure, and an enviable aplomb ?... Just like that,- sheer self restraint, with no shrink, no meds, no counseling, no anger management ?...
Pardon me but that's hard to believe . Let's just hope that the hard way won't be TOO hard. Broken bottles can do a lot of damage, and plastic surgery is very expensive.
I'm still left curious and with no answer to my question : assuming that he's the kind of guy who would never ever hit a woman, or at least never ever hit YOU - and assuming therefore you are safe... are you fine with his violent past, personality and tendencies ? I.e. : as long as he does not hit you,...then it's fine if he hit or will hit other people ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your feed back. I am 15 and so is he. I have spoken to him very openly about his past as he has told me he isn't going to keep anything from me just because i would here it off someone else anyway. I didn't mean in the qeustion that when the subject of fights is brought up he just switches off and ses it was all the other persons fault, he takes full responsbility for hurting the person and he really does regert it. I mean that in almost all of these fights, they have been caused by someone else or it was someone else who threw the first hit or whatever. He has been in the past bullied an awful lot for many different reasons and he's very self concious about his autism which many people like to take the micky out of as you can imagine. I have told my mum about his past, and infact he has told her too, he ses he has changed and strangly enough i beleive him i really do, but i'm not gonna deny he isn't aware of his own stenght and it doesn't mean any of the stuff he did in the past was right. I guess i am gonna take a risk with this one and if i'm wrong then i will learn the hard way. Thank you for your feedback.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 February 2012):
You are kidding right ?
He broke someone's jaw ?.. someone's arm ? He went at somebody's face with a broken bottle ??
The guy is a criminal ! A wild animal !
No, I don't buy it it was all in self defense . Regardless the fact that there's something called more or less " excessive use of self defense ", and it's a crime punishable by law in all civilzed countries, so I 'd bet you have it in UK, too, and refers just to the kind of instances where you react to a physical assault with another physical assault likely to kill or permanently maim the assailant. So- you get punched or slapped and you react slashing your opponent with a broken bottle- not cool, you can go to jail for that.
But also, first time shame on you, second time shame on me. How come is he so often involved in violent , out of control confrontations ?...
How come apparently he can't handle his differences with people by discussing normally, turning his back and leaving the scene, or pressing charges ?...
How come he breaks things when he's upset and everybody thinks that's normal, he just has a "bad temper " ?
This guy is dangerous and yes, I think he could very possibly hurt you too if you make him upset. But , even assuming that he has deep down a chivalrous streak and he's one of those brutes that though would never touch a woman.. let's hope this is the case . I am still amazed that you want to be with a guy like this- you don't have a problem with him lashing out and being violent - as long as his violence is not directed against you ?...
It sound strange to me. It's a bit like saying: I am dating a heroin phusher, but, no big deal, as long as he does not want to sell ME anything.
Sorry if it sounds as if I am criticizing your parents, but I have to say that if you were my daughter, no way I'd let you hang out with him, and in my own house as for that. With that kind of track record ! Ok, he's young too, more to be pitied than blamed perhaps, and maybe with appropriate interventions he can work on his anger and change, etc.etc. But, if it were me, hey dude, FIRST you solve your issues and learn to act civil and responsible - THEN you'll be allowed anywhere near my teen daughter.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (18 February 2012):
 He needs to seek help. You are far too young to become entangled in something as unpredictable and dangerous as this. A violent and aggressive person will always be a violent and aggressive person unless they admit it to themselves and realize that something needs to be done about it. I assume he is around your age and chances are, he lacks the maturity to come to such a realization. However calm and docile he may seem around you, trust me when I say that it will not last. You are bound to be hurt by him in one way or another if you do not get out of this relationship before it is too late.
I hope that helps.
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reader, honestman  +, writes (18 February 2012):
He reminds me of some one famous: Edward Cullen.I'm not joking.I think your relationship is similar to Bella-Edward's since you are with a dangerous guy.Some guys lie, and he is certainly lying about just "defending himself". I'm 27 years old, and I have never "defended" myself enough to get kicked out from school or from home. I did once defended myself, but that was a long time ago in elementary school.Anyways, he is the dangerous-but-kind type of guy. Full of mystery. That type of relationships work. Also, you are at risk of him hurting you or something worse. Please read the book "Twilight, True Love and You" , it describes this in more detail. This is a serious book.The way you describe him, you remind me of this personality disorder:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorderSee if he fits the description: 1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest 2. deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure 3. impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead 4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults 5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others 6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations 7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from anotherTake special look at #7 . People with lack of remorse and empathy are the ones that usually end up killing someone or inflicting life lasting damage on others. I don't want to scare you, just get your facts.Now, most people with APD [antisocial personality disorder] end up in jail, or become drug abusers. You can't change with your love the way he is. Men will rarely change. You should not attempt to change him or anyone, because such attempt is futile. You are going to end up wounded, hear broken, and probably end visiting him on jail from time to time.One last, but important aspect in a relationship with a person with APD : they don't love people. Love requires empathy, and it is something that these kind of guys lack of. It doesn't matter how much you love him, show him his love, it is possible that he will not love you back as much.I hope this helps you.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 I do believe there is a difference between someone whose brain is hardwired to do harm and someone who has a lot of anger due to living in a negative environment and acting out of despair. I would like to see your boyfriend coming to terms with his behavior in his past, and also what his plans are for the future regarding career and living situation. He has anger towards people who wronged him, in school, and in his family. When you want to know how a man treats a woman you look at the relationship between mom and son. He has a mom who is not on his side and actually telling you to stay away from him. She wants to focus on the wrongs, instead of encouraging him to seek help. So everybody in the family learns that to cope one is to run away, because that's better than violence. Your boyfriend is very sweet to you now but one day when you disagree with him, criticizes his behavior he might mistake you for one of the people who wronged him, who is against him. You can state your concern without making him feel judged. He may not raise his voice or his hands, but when there is trouble is he going to stick by you or is he going to run away?
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2012):
No, I don't think you are worrying too much. A history of violence like he has indicates he has some issues that he and his family need to cope with. If a guy has been in a number of fights and says that none of them were started by him, I rather think he's distorting the story a bit. One or two, if he's being bullied, yes, but a guy who is 6'2" who has broken bones and used a broken bottle on someone's FACE is not an innocent bystander sucked into some melee. He's an active participant in these fights and if he keeps putting himself into situations where he gets to break someone's arm or someone's jaw, and never takes responsibility himself? Well, he's going to keep getting into trouble and honestly, I hope you don't wind up caught in the middle. He may not intend to hurt you but your proximity to him may be dangerous to you.
Talk this over with your parents. And remember that worrying like this is a sign that you are picking up signs that you may not be aware of. Be careful. It's not your job to save him, okay?
Good luck.
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