A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 26 nothing significant there but I thought of mentioning it cuz my boyfriend has been acting really immature these days..I have a best guy friend we go bowling,dinner's lunch we have a lot of fun,and we r in the same profession soo so its even better since our timings match so we tend to spend a lot of time together but lately my boyfriend has been having a lot of problems with that cuz I spend wayy too much time with him..but that's only becuz my boyfriend keeps travelling a lot so I tend to spend more time with friends,so lately he has been so paranoid about it and we had a couple of arguements until last night he said that I should stop hanging out with this guy,which I find ridiculous..is he being for real??or do you think I'm spending wayy too much time with friends as well..what is your advise..I never ever meant to leave my boyfriend alone..
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male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (18 September 2012):
OP, I am not fond of opposite sex friendships. The reason for that is because I have had too many women cheat on me to believe that everything is harmless, or that in a moment of loneliness things won't get out of hand. I have also had friendships develop into relationships over time, so I know first hand that the transition can and does happen. When you spend that much time with someone one-on-one, feelings are easily developed.
Is your boyfriend being insecure and overly jealous? Maybe. However, from what you have described I would probably say the same things as your boyfriend. The bottom line is that he is uncomfortable with the friendship, so you will have to choose - distance yourself from your friend, or put the relationship at risk (and likely lose your boyfriend) but staying that close. The choice is yours.
Best of luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): The thing is OP you're not just spending time with friends but literally going on one-on-one (friend) dates with a guy. They are pretty much dates OP when they're one-on-one going doing fun things like having dinner and going bowling and it's very likely this male friend, unless he's gay, is interested in you.
I've been that type of friend with a girl OP guess who she's with now, that's right me. Neither of us intended for things to work out this way but when you share most of your quality time with a specific person, go do things alone together you grow closer, have shared experiences that create a close bond she relied more and more on me for fun times and more deeper things emotionally as she began to realize I provided her with a lot more than her boyfriend at the time could give.
It's not about trust either OP, my girlfriend's ex could completely trust her and me, as I would never try and get with a girl who's spoken for and she has never strayed in a relationship, they broke up for different reasons anyway it was a long while before our feelings grew to the point where we got together. But the fact remained I was a threat to their relationship because it illustrated some glaring holes in the quality and frequency of the time they got to spend together.
Look imagine the shoe is on the other foot and he was taking a specific girl out on dates to the cinema, for meals, bowling, for long drives etc. and spending more of his quality time with her than you. Sure you may say or think you'd be fine with that just because you're doing it now and you know you have no bad intentions, but be honest with yourself would you not even feel slightly uneasy that she got the best times with your guy?
I mean when you talk to him about what he did that day, she's going to be the main part of that conversation as he gushes about the fun they had bowling and how cute it is that she lost so badly, or dropped the ball, or slipped, all these funny little affectionate anecdotes all centred around this one girl because he didn't go do these things with a group of his friends, just her. When you then ask him what his plans are for the week, again her name is the main focus because they've decided to go for a meal Friday night and she's talking about a new dress she's going to buy, or that he called over helped her fix her curtains or some shit.
Are you starting to see how that could be a bit of a problem?
Now his demand that you stop seeing this guy is a bit over the top but it's not ridiculous. You really need to consider stepping back slightly and spending more time with all your friends and not solely focusing on this guy because he is becoming such a big part of your life that it's starting to encroach on your boyfriend's territory for lack of a better term.
This guy has overtaken your boyfriend in terms of quality alone time, in terms of being the person you turn to for things because he's more available and whether you like to see it this way or not you're building a better, closer relationship to this guy than you are your boyfriend.
In my opinion you're neglecting your boyfriend in favour of this other guy and your attitude stinks, you're oh so patronizing towards your boyfriends feelings, don't lie and say you wouldn't feel the same if he was doing all this, you too would be a bit anxious about that too, his feelings aren't immature OP as others have said they're natural.
You may believe you can do whatever you like, but you're in a relationship and if you want this to work you'll compromise a bit.
You'll try and make more time for boyfriend, you'll step back from this other guy a bit and spend more time with your other friends too. But that's only if you want this to work OP, if you'd rather your quality time with this other guy over your relationship then tell your boyfriend to feck off. But do make one thing clear to your boyfriend though, you're not going to cut this other completely out, you like him as a friend but you really are on the very boundary of what's acceptable, you're pretty much dating this friend and I don't think you'd like it if your boyfriend was doing the same, because this friend has become a third well and has taken your boyfriends place in a lot of ways.
See if you can compromise here, but first get rid of the patronizing attitude, your boyfriend has a point even if he's not expressing it in a good way.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 It's a difficult situation because yes he is a guy but he's also your friend.your boyfriend obviously feels uncomfortable perhaps next time you hang out invite your boyfriend so he can see the person you're hanging out with and then it may put his mind at ease when he realises you guys are just friends.Maybe he feels paranoid and a bit snappy because you've said he's away a lot maybe he feels he's neglected you and you're off with some other guy and is worried that something may develop because if you're feeling lonely you may vulnerable. I'm not suggesting for one second you're at all like that and neither is your friend but if your boyfriend is in a paranoid state of mind these things could be playing on his mind leading him to think he's pushing you away towards this guy friend you have.As i've said maybe arrange a hang out where you your boyfriend and male friend can do something fun together and maybe he can have more of an easy mind when you go off spending time with him alone without your boyfriend.Maybe you do it often so that your boyfriend doesn't feel left out.Hope this helps hun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): There was quite a bit of discussions here if you can stay friends with opposite sex for awhile. Majority said no.Your boyfriend has an issue with you spending time with another guy, not just another friend. I had a friend visiting town, a guy. I showed him around, which I after regret, because I thought there was nothing going on and in fact there was nothing going , but a guy for some reason decided why not to have the best of both worlds, a so called friend, me showing him around the town, being his free driver and also a little sex on a side.I spend with him only couple of days during the day. My husband said nothing, but then few months later he told that he was quite pissed about.And he didn't know about my " friend" proposition also.You need to be careful when u call another guy a friend. It it is a childhood friend that's one thing but if it's a new acquired friend that's a completely different issue, unless he is gay.Guys like to hang out with guys for friendship, they wouldn't mind hanging out with you if they have an agenda in mind. Your boyfriend is obviously a guy, he knows exactly what's going on in a mind of another young guy, even if you have no intention of doing it.I don't think he is being unreasonable. Sorry...
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 If the friend were female you would not have this issue, so yes your boyfriend is being a bit immature. However it is understandable, I'm sure you wouldnt be too thrilled if you found out your boyfriend was spending all of his time with a female friend, just the two of them.
Do you not have any other friends, that know your male friend also, so you can hang out in a group? That way it would be less like a 'date', where it is just a male and female hanging out alone. Alternatively, could you invite your boyfriend along one time to meet your male friend so he can see for himself there is nothing going on?
I think you both need to find the middle ground here, he is being unreasonable to ask you to stop hanging out with your friend altogether, because he is a friend and that is unfair. However it is normal to feel a little jealous and paranoid when your partner is spending all of their time with another man, just the two of them, so you need to do something to try and combat that problem. If your friend and boyfriend could become friends, that would ease the problem massively. Or try hanging out with a group of friends instead of just the two of you, so you dont seem so 'couply' with your friend.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 September 2012):
Hi there. The real issue your boyfriend seems to have is not that you are spending too much time with friends, but more that the friend you DO spend time with, happens to be be male.
I can honestly say, I can't really blame him for that really.
Even though you say you are friends, that's exactly how things happen where you begin to get a little too close, and then it becomes more than just friendship.
Over time, it can then start to cross the line into a boyfriend and girlfriend status, and then you end up sleeping together.
And no doubt, this is the main concern of your boyfriend, for sure.
Keeping in mind that you boyfriend goes away a lot, which leaves you on your own for that length of time that he's gone.
So realistically, anything could happen.
There is certainly a potential for it to become much more than friends.
Even if you don't see it that way, it's entirely possible.
I guess it really comes down to how you feel about your boyfriend, doesn't it?
And about his going away all the time.
And also, how you feel about this male friend who you spend a fair amount of time with.
He's almost like a substitute boyfriend, isn't he?
Because he fills in the gaps, while your boyfriend is away.
Even if you are not sleeping together now, it's probably just a matter of time, before you do end up crossing that line.
Especially, if when you do go out together and consume some alcohol together, when you go out for dinners or lunches.
Consuming alcohol can definitely put you at a high risk of crossing that line - without even thinking about it.
So you have some serious thinking to do.
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A
female
reader, nat1972  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 Hi, Sounds to me like a little jealousy, although your boyfriend does have reason to worry a little. Sounds like you are spending quite a lot of time with the friend, but what do you do, if he is just a friend, there is nothing to worry about. Trust is a very huge thing here. But if you and your boyfriend are not seeing eye to eye on this perhaps some changes can be made. Reiterate to your boyfriend and say that nothing is going on. And perhaps spend a little less time with the friend. If your boyfriend is feeling neglected show him how much you care about him and spend more time with him. He is your boyfriend afterall.
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