A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everyone, My friend has let me borrow her account for this problem, I'm 19 not 15. I am at university working towards my degree, and I have had a boyfriend for about six months - he is my first - in my opinion six months isn't that long and I am a virgin and don't feel ready to do the things he wants. He asked me for 'you know' and I said no because I wasn't ready, he argued with me over this and I am the kind of girl who will never take orders, change myself or listen to a man if I don't like what he is saying. He said he loved me and all of that, but to be honest I don't fall in love easy, at all.I told him I wasn't comfortable doing certain things with him and just because he says he loves me wont make me do it, or say I love him back when honestly - I don't. I'm 19!Anyway a week later I found out he had slept with another girl the day after that happened. So I'm not just gonna keep quiet, I met him so I could ask him why to his face - he tried to lie about it first saying he never did it - but I didn't trust him so I said - "I know you have, I'm not asking you if you have or have not because I already know that answer, I'm asking you why, and you will answer me that!" To which his response was - "You woudn't give it to me and I was drunk and it just happened, I am really sorry . . . blah blah blah I love you it wont happen again.I'm sorry but I am not prepared to accept someone who sleeps with another girl after 6 months because I said I wasn't ready so I told him - "It woudn't matter to me if you did do it again, I do not love you and your apology is not accepted, seeming as she gives you what you want I suggest you get into a relationship with her because if you think you can do that behind my back because I didn't want to have sex with you, your not worth being in my sight." He clearly understood the 'I don't love you' part because what he said next really shocked me. He said - "Your 19! How can you not be ready, and what do you mean you don't love me? You have a heart of stone, you need a warning for the next idiot who stupidly falls for you."At which point I walked away, but he slept with another girl because I said I wasn't ready, does that make me have a heart of stone, and why should I wear a warning, I think he means himself, I would never ever do that to anyone, no matter what.Can you please tell me if I was in the wrong, just because I don't fall in love after 6 months doesn't make me an evil person right? He would be hard to love anyway he always bragged and had a huge ego - who is in the wrong here?Please help, thank you x
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broke up, drunk, I love you, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): Good for you that you stuck to your guns. I completely agree with you and if he can go off so soon with someone else and have sex then he isn't good enough for you. Wait for someone who is and don't believe the things he said in bitterness when he couldn't get what he wanted.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): I think i love you.
Haha
You did great! I'm so glad people like you exist.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): I forgot to add...
"I am the kind of girl who will never take orders, change myself or listen to a man if I don't like what he is saying."
If I end up miraculously getting sent back to my college years in age, will you marry me?
(God, I hope that doesn't happen, I was so poor in college I don't want to have to repeat that.)
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A
female
reader, muso888 +, writes (10 June 2011):
OP, you are NOT wrong, and you do not have a heart of stone.
I have known men who are very sexually active meet a girl who won't have sex for whatever reason and BEHAVE themselves until she is ready... often, for years!
If it was unacceptable to this guy not to have sex in a relationship of 6 months, he should have broken up with you. Not cheat on you.
Don't beat yourself up about the words he used - he was just trying to turn it around and make you feel bad and sorry for him in a situation that he created himself.
Stay strong! You did the right thing :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): You handled yourself perfectly! You absolutely did the right thing.
He is trying to deflect attention from what he did by implying it was your own fault.
There is nothing wrong with not loving someone you're dating. People say it more often than they mean it anyway. At least you are honest. A person knows where they stand and you don't bring baggage and drama to the table. And just as importantly your affection and respect must be earned, not handed out like Halloween candy to anyone who asks.
This post is such a refreshing change from all the ones we read about in which some silly woman 'loves him to bits and can't leave him' no matter how badly she is treated.
Can we clone you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so so much everyone, you have no idea how much better I feel thanks to all four of you :) Just so you know, he has vanished from my phone, email and facebook :) thanks again xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Indeed you don't have a heart of stone, try and ignore his foolish behaviour, I am sad to say he is showing quite a few red flags of behaviour which could turn quite abusive in a relationship if he does not watch himself.
It is dreadful that he hsa tried to take his lack of self worth and drag you into that. That is not your fault.
Do move on and try and stay friends if you feel that is wise, perhaps be assertive and say that you wish him the best and be kind and say that you sincerely hope he can work on his self esteem for the next relationship he has - explain that you will be his friend if you feel you can do this and wish him well. Or just make a clean break.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): No, nothing wrong with you at all.
He is immature and wanting something that you weren't ready for.
"He said - "Your 19! How can you not be ready, and what do you mean you don't love me? You have a heart of stone, you need a warning for the next idiot who stupidly falls for you."
Hell, sex means nothing to some people. To some of us it is something we usually only do with someone we love.
"he always bragged and had a huge ego"
Not the kind of guy who is a keeper.
Stick to your guns, you did the only right thing.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I absolutely applaud your actions,you are totaly in the right,stood by your principles and drew out his real agenda towards you,youve seen his true character and now you have a choice to make as to whether he deserves more of your time or just move on. You dont have a heart of stone coz it is what it is...you dont fall in love easy! take it easy n do whats best for number one
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 June 2011):
I wish to God that more young women were stronger about what they really want. Really, I do. Because a lot of women would have given this guy sex under pressure - only to have him cheat anyway.
You don't have a heart of stone - that's pretty clear from your post. You have a good heart, and a smart head.
This guy was basically after getting into your pants - and he failed because you were strong enough not to give into his demands before you were ready. His entire response was something he said to hurt you, because he's failed. All he is, is a drunken cheat who has no respect for you. That's all.
You were also right to dump him on the spot - something that again I wish women especially your age would do. There are a lot of woman who I think lack the esteem to stand up to crap treatment.
I think you're a perfectly normal, healthy woman. I think you have a good head on you, a good heart that won't take crap and enough esteem that you can deal with men like this. Don't change in any way. Take your time getting over his crap treatment of you, and leave him and others like him where they belong. You'll meet a far better guy who will actually respect you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): He is in the wrong. Dump this loser and stay on the path that you're on. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders. I am glad that you did not lose your virginity to him. Tell him to take a hike!!!
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