A
male
age
,
*lash33
writes:I am supposed to be getting married in november. Me and my fiance have been together for almost 2years. We have had our differeces about many things but I am afraid that she will give up on me one day. The reasons are that I don't approve of the way she dresses (too tight and too revealing). I have expressed my disapproval but she thinks what and the way she dresses is cute. She also feels like I am trying to control her. She has 19 and 15 year old boys that live with us and the way she disciplines them I think is too soft. They run over her and talk back always. When I talk about the way she dresses or how I disagree with her boys conduct, especially the 19 year old, she get angry with me. All of this stresses me out and it feels like I can't even openly talk with her about the issues without her getting upset and shutting down. I don't know what to do. She even regularly makes comments like maybe we should not be togethet. All of this hurts my feelings and amgers me. I love her and it feels like I am always giving in to her and having to accept unacceptable things in our house. I am confused and worried all the time. I need help please.
View related questions:
fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): Call off the wedding now. Do not proceed with any wedding plans until these issues have been satisfactorily resolved for both of you, not just grudgingly resolved (because that's not a real resolution). If it means you never do pick up the wedding plans again, then so be it, it means this relationship is not meant to be a marriage.
You could try re-phrasing the way you express your displeasure. maybe she shuts down and calls you controlling because of the words you use, or because you only care about your point of view and disregard hers. Maybe you need to change your tone of voice and non-verbal body language to be less confrontational. Maybe you need to be willing to compromise - not just demand she do things entirely your way and if she refuses then you end up giving in entirely to her way because you can't see or reach any middle ground. Maybe you need to learn better coping skills for yourself so that you don't get so stressed out by her kids.
Call off your wedding and work on resolving these glaring issues before you even think about proceeding with marriage plans. Because in the end you should marry someone because you accept them the way they are today, not if you need them to change before you can accept them. Otherwise your marriage will probably be a source of regret rather than joy. this goes for her as well as you.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 It just makes me laugh when people get into relationships. confess love and then go about trying to change their partner because they don't like the way they are.
Really you picked two big issues and neither of them is any of your business. She is a grown woman and can dress however she wishes and her almost grown kids do not have to take any form of discipline from you, because you are not their father.
I assume she dressed the way she does when you met her and you met the kids before asking her to marry you?...therefore you made a decision to take her for better or worse, so you cannot try to start changing such intrinsic things about her. It would be different if her choices harmed you directly (such as cheating, taking money from you or abusing you) but these are issues that you have no real right to change.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): If you need marriage counseling before you get married, what the heck will you need after you get married? Not all relationships are perfect but sound like you might want to give it some serious thoughts before cutting the cake and think about what she said('maybe we shouldn't be together')and find yourself a women that dress like a lady and not a hoochie mama. I'm over 50 and I wouldn't be caught in all this tight low riders and tops that show my butt, abdomen and breast but you should think about how was she dressed when you first met her....
I'm sure it bothers you how her sons disrespect her but if you marry her that's something you'll have to deal with the rest of your life and it might get to the point they're disrespect you and that's more problems... she can't tell them not to disrespect you because they doesn't listen to her anyway. Have you ever thought they may never leave home...what they call basement kids... live in their mama basement forever.
If you can't openly talk with her about issues without her getting upset and shutting down I can't see this marriage working...you're already stressed, angry and worried, I would be her friend but not her husband... lets say it cost you $2,000.00 to get married and things are still not working out OR gotten worst... now you need $20,000.00 or more to get out of this mess. A marriage is two people in agreement. Don't mean to be rude but you've been together almost two years so maybe you should hold the wedding off until that 15 year old finish high school and see what happen. So what about the 19 year old, is he in college, working or looking for work?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): I understand your feelings but she has a right to dress however she feels comfortable and no-one has a right to tell her she should dress differently. As for the way she is parenting her children, she is parenting them the way she sees fit, it may not be ideal in your eyes, but I don't see her parenting style changing after so long. You need to take some time and think about whether you can accept this woman for who she is, and how she is now because these are things I do not see changing. Think about whether you can handle living your life with things this way, if not you may have to walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 This is not what you want to hear, but I have to agree that perhaps you should reconsider getting married, at least for now.
Marriage is the final step a couple take when they have ironed out the bugs (not all of them, just the important ones) and established enough common ground on which to build a future. You marry when you HAVE a solid union, not in an effort to create one.
And if you can't event talk about the rough spots you certainly can't fix them. Neither of you should have to compromise those things that are important to you and if you have to, you're not compatible.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): her boys are almost grown up they'll be probably out of your house soon, just hold on a little, as to the way she dresses you probably met her already dressing like this so you have to just put up with it, hopefully she'll will realize how ridiculous a fifty something looks when trying to dress like a 15 year old...
...............................
A
female
reader, Thisiscrazy  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 If she dresses in clothes you think are too tight, too revealing, well all I can say is that if she looks good feel proud that she is your gal. It's a huge compliment when you notice men looking at her and she is with you if she doesn't flirt with other men why are you worried.. If you can't love her for who she is then you shouldn't be with her never try and change a person they will only hold contempt towards you for it. If you truly love her then love her for who she is..As for her parenting she is the boys mother she has been there from start to finish she is doing what she feels is right who are you to judge her when you have been with her for 2 years only she has been a mother for 19 years I'm not having a go at you but you really need to take into account what she has done for all those years before you and then to have you come in a tell her she is wrong in the way she is with her boys well it would make me see red .. Like I said love her for who she is not for what you want to change her into she is a woman who knows who she is you will loose everything if you start to tell her what to do. If you can't accept her for her then leave her and let her find someone who will....
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 Well at the end of the day she is her own person and she is entitled to dress the way that she wants to, I know it can be hard but you need to accept her for who she is. As for her boys, again she is parenting them they way that she is used to, I understand that this may be hard on you but it is not going to change so you need to think long and hard about your life and if you can accept the way that she deals with things. If not well then this relationship won't work.
...............................
A
female
reader, Latti +, writes (29 April 2012):
MARRIAGE COUNSELING! The issues that you have raised are not dealbreakers, but can get pretty nasty if you go into a marriage without really addressing them with a game plan. Children from previous relationships AND discipline are ALWAYS touchy issues. I went throught this and it can really grow into a monster if nothing changes or not addressed properly. I suggest. Counseling because you two need a mediator, someone nuetral to help come up with a game plan AND also to help each person....BE HEARD!I wish you two the best, but it is very important to have a game plan in action BEFORE you get married.
...............................
|
