A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, so I need some help to communicate better with my bf about our pregnancy as I feel he doesn't care, which leaves me wondering if I should go it alone :(I'm 11 weeks pregnant now, we have our first scan next week. We've been together 2 years, and were planning to start trying for a baby later this year, but were taken by surprise with this pregnancy, and my bf does seem ok about it. He says he is ready to be a father, has been feeling broody for a while, and feels that now is the right time. He's taken it very much in his stride, hasn't panicked, hasn't voiced any doubts, but hasn't been jumping for joy either. Not sure if this is a normal male reaction, and I guess for him it might not seem real yet, maybe not until we see the scan?Anyway, as for me, I am nauseous every day and am finding it hard to eat and sleep, despite being very tired. I'm dreading the changes that my body will go through and am upset when I think about this. I guess maybe that's partly because my bf was sexting another girl 3 months into our relationship, and again at 7 months, when everything was great between us (including our sex life). He said he didn't realise his behaviour could be hurtful and stopped (to my knowledge) after I found out through a friend of a friend. But, I guess it rocked my trust in him. And I worry that he won't find me sexually attractive as my body changes, or that I won't feel attractive, and that our sex life may diminish and he may look elsewhere. I am dreading giving birth, dreading the changes that will cause to my body (like the chance of being 'looser' down below, of tearing, of having urinary incontinence) and dreading being a parent and being tired and grumpy for many months, and how this will affect our relationship. I don't feel I can rely on him for practical things, either. Like, I never ask him to do anything for me. I'm always the one asking him if he needs anything when I go to the shops, or surprising him with a warm bath and cooked dinner when he gets home. But last week, I needed a loaf of bread as I felt it was the only thing I could stomach. I was working long hours, asked him if he could please pick up this item for me, and he still hasn't :( And I'm the one starting to buy baby stuff, starting to read about pregnancy/birth, but he's not.All in all, I feel like my life and my body are changing beyond my control, whereas his life continues the same. I want to feel happy about becoming a mother, but I don't. I am dreading our scan, as it will make it all real.I tried talking to my bf about this today, but he didn't really listen, and was actually paying more attention to a crappy film he was watching on tv whilst I cooked him some food! He said 'maybe you feel worse if you think about it, maybe you need to think about something else.' Sometimes I just feel so unsupported, that I may as well leave him, then I can invest my energy into other things, like trying to be positive about my baby.Sorry this is so long. And sorry if my feelings offend anyone. I have had a miscarriage before, so I know that we are blessed, but I just don't feel it right now.I guess my question is, is it normal for guys to be so unaffected by their gf's pregnancy? And how can I approach trying to communicate with him about how down I am feeling about all this at the moment?Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): I think his behavior is normal for someone who isn't happy about the pregnancy or the future. Some men are eager to become fathers and start a family with their partners and such men will be totally overjoyed and supportive throughout. Other men are either not happy with their partners, or about becoming fathers, or both, and such men will behave typically like your bf. that isn't to say their feelings can't change to be more positive later on, but for the present this is what it is.
I don't think he's being unaffected by the pregnancy, actually I think he's being highly but negatively affected and is doing the best he can to hide his negative feelings. That's why he seems so dull and 'flat' , he's trying very hard not to show his negative feelings, or to freak out, but in the absence of that there aren't many positive feelings either.
You can't blame him for doing this - I mean, he's probably trying to be considerate by not upsetting you by showing his true feelings. But what will happen as a result of his true feelings? It's really up in the air, because no one can read his mind and know his thoughts. once the baby is born he might do a complete 180 and fall in love with his baby and the whole fatherhood thing. Or he might continue to feel negatively about the whole situation. you just won't know and whether or not talking to him will help any depends on how your relationship with him is - if he feels it's a bad idea to be honest with you because you will get upset at the truth then talking to him won't help and all you can do is just wait and see how things turn out after the baby is born.
for now though, I think that given that this is how he's behaving, you should assume that you are on your own and need to be self-reliant. If his feelings change to be more positive then you will have a pleasant surprise. If they don't, you will be prepared anyway and not need him when he isn't able to give.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 The general rule of thumb is when you want any kind of support, sympathy or understanding you're better to seek out another woman, especially when it's about something only women can comprehend. Men are notoriously bad at it so save yourself the heartache and don't even approach him.From your boyfriend's perspective, this baby won't really exist until he or she is born. YOU being pregnant changes nothing for him except, possibly access to sex in the final month or so. He can't really get excited about something that for him doesn't exist any more than a 6 year old can be excited about the thought of going to Disney World five years from now. And stop referring to it as 'OUR' pregnancy. It's YOUR pregnancy. This is about YOU and baby. He was just there for the ride (pardon the pun).Women have always been more practical about these things, which is why we have wedding and baby showers. We prepare for a marriage or the arrival of a baby by giving the soon to be bride or mother useful items. Men 'prepare' for these events with booze and cigars. Surround yourself with women.Having a child is life altering, not life ending. I don't know of any women who are 'loose down there' or suffer from incontinence as a result of having given birth. In fact a great many women have fantastic figures even after having several children. Take good care of yourself and you'll look and feel fantastic whether you've had a baby or not. So don't worry about that.Which brings me to my next point. Don't get so caught up in being a wife and mother that you lose sight of yourself. Pampering him, especially when you feel lousy does not endear you to him. In fact it encourages complacency and nasrcissism. He won't feel grateful. He'll just think you're doing what you should do, and enjoy doing and he'll take it for granted. Act like a real person, with real needs, wants, interests, hobbies, dreams and goals of your own and don't sacrifice yours for his. There is no big payoff for doing so and you'll only feel exhausted and resentful in the end. He is more likely to treat you as important if you treat yourself that way.As for nausea and lethargy, speak to your doctor, make some changes to your diet, take maternal vitamins, exercise and get plenty of rest. Do things that improve your mood; go out with the girls, get a manicure, get your hair done, go to the cinema, stay home and curl up with a good book, whatever it is you like to do. Congratulations and best of luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 His behaviour is not out of character anyway. Off course woman will go through most of this, and all the fears you have are pretty normal. But you do need to sit down and explain everything to him that you have just wrote here. Make sure the tv is off and you are both sitting down without any distractions. Tell him how you are feeling, what you are scared off and say to him he needs to be more supportive, he probably has no idea you are feeling as bad as you are. So you need to sit down and tell him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Thisiscrazy  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 Everyone reacts differently to such big news especially when it wasn't planned... Now your only very early into this stop thinking so much and start enjoying your body and it's changes if you feel he won't find you attractive tell him this your worry ... It will take time to accept this but the sooner you do the sooner he will and you know what if he dosnt well huni go it alone and love every moment your pregnant it's a beautiful experience I have had 3 children and none were planned I was taking all the contraception meds the injection the implant and fell pregnant each time my last I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 6 1/2 months everything was normal lost weight but was sick at night... I was suffering from post natal depression and had tests nothing come up until I was 6 1/2 months so I didn't have time to deal with everything else but managed to find it in my heart to be so lucky to have been pregnant again.. You know you want a baby ok maybe not this month but the end of the year so life has thrown a supprise at you sweetheart grab it and enjoy it fear is something that is not meant for you a positive out look no matter how he feels you need to work out if you truly want this and if so then enjoy every moment as it goes so fast...if he sees your happy I'm sure it will reduce his fears somewhat. Either way it's going to be with or without him and you will see who he truly is after this but don't be afraid be positive Hun this is a miricale at work sent to complete you... I wish you all the happiness to you and your family.
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