A
male
age
30-35,
*t. Nowhere
writes:Hi all,Just gonna be simple about this. I am a 17 year old boy who wants to save my virginity for marriage but I am bothered by the idea of losing my virginity to a non-virgin. I would just feel slighted in that I wasn't their first and they didn't have the same level of commitment I did. I also would worry about her comparing me to the guy she slept with. I can't read minds but I can't say she wouldn't at the same time. It would in fact be a deal breaker for me. Is there anything I can do to make this easier for me? Should I just lose my virginity to someone who I have no feelings for at all so I don't feel this way? I really would like to save myself for marriage but idk how practical it is given my feelings about the issue. Thanks in advance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, St. Nowhere +, writes (3 May 2011):
St. Nowhere is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to all that responded. All of your answers were insightful. Anyways, I'm just gonna hold out till marriage. In the end if I love the person I'm with, I think I will be able to overcome my conviction if I'm able to have a dialogue and discuss it with her. I don't think its something that should be taken lightly and I want to make sure both of our hearts are in the right place when the time comes if I ever meet that person. Thank you all again and feel free to provide any additional help!
-St. Nowhere
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Completely agree with this poster:
A female reader, anonymous
"I think you should wait for a virgin, trust me it will be worthwhile. Why do you want to throw away something precious you have kept for the right woman on someone who does not value either herself or you, her potential lover..."
Actions always speak louder than words / intentions...
of whether you've been true to your choices / decisions... Not saying that this is the right way for everyone... but for those who've decided to reduce their number of sexual partners to just One & wait for that special person for quite sometime because it's that important to them... why would you not want a person who thinks likewise... who sees life in the same light & gives you the same importance?
Unless of course, the choice to remain a virgin is driven more by insecurity, doubt or a lack of opportunity more than anything & you view being a "Virgin" as some kind of liability that must be dispensed of at the earliest. Be honest with yourself & don't let insecurities prevent you from doing / being what you really want.
On the other hand, if you really value virginity & remain one by choice, then think & be doubly sure that you want to go ahead sexually with someone who is not on the same footing as you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): I think you should wait for a virgin, trust me it will be worthwhile. Why do you want to throw away something precious you have kept for the right woman on someone who does not value either herself or you, her potential lover.
Look, you are a young man who values one of the most important things in life; virginity. Its not just about the potential STIs or anything like that. Someone who has kept their virginity shows some very good character traits such as self control, self respect and respect for a future long term partner.
You will just be one of many for the girl you are about to sleep with, but for a virgin you will be her FIRST. Imagine how special that will be!
I am a female, mid twenties and a virgin and I suspect that I am the female that caring guy is referring too, as I myself have had trouble finding a virgin male- as in this day and age, Englad (where I live) is full of people who think its ok to sleep with anyone and anything. I came on this site for help and basically got told to get lost, as I didn't fit in with the what is considered 'cool or modern' ways of thinking that a lot of the liberal agony aunts here follow.
Anyways, don't settle for a sloppy seconds, mate. Hold out for a girl who is worth it.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 May 2011):
A decent woman is a decent woman, virgin or not. We had a woman on here who was a virgin, but in my opinion she had an appalling attitude towards men. We've also had women on here who aren't virgins, who have far more respect for women. Also, don't think that women who aren't virgins are any less committed. A rape victim who lost her virginity to a rapist isn't a bad person. A woman who lost her virginity to a man who used her isn't a bad person. A woman who lost her virginity to a man and then split up with him ins't a bad person.
Virginity isn't a sign of perfection or commitment. Don't mix them up. What makes a woman decent is whether she respects your beliefs, respects who you are, loves you and will make a good wife. If you measure a woman just on her virginity, you'll miss out on so may good women. Instead, you may meet a virgin like the woman I mentioned at the top, who'll be a high maintenance drama queen.
Stick to your own beliefs, and wait for the right one for you. A woman will really respect that. Just don't think that she's bad if she's not a virgin, because you'll really miss out on some great women, and you may wind up marrying a virgin just because she's a virgin, and not because you love her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): I have only slept with one guy, and the new guy I am with is 17 too and also a virgin. He wants to wait until he finds the right person and I respect that and would never pressure or anything. I also would never compare him to my first.I remember when we first started dating, he was a bit uncomfortable, and feeling as I'm sure you are feeling, when he found out I'm not a virgin. But I explained that it shouldn't bother him because I believed I had found the right person and I have no regrets, I was truly in love with the guy and will never regret it. And if my current bf can't accept that then that's his problem, because I did it for the right reasons and took care of myself, especially on the emotional front. Definitely do not just get rid of it because you want to get rid of any possible awkwardness... because when you meet the right girl it won't matter, if she respects you and loves you. I've heard of lots of people who felt like you, waited and then found someone with common morals. Don't let the outside world pressure you into anything. Stick by your gut feeling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): I once optimistically thought like you pal and made a decision to lose it to a random girl. But that was after Id been thru a shitstorm with american women. Give relationships a shot. Most women, mature ones anyway, wont compare you to their exes. Theyll take you as you are and love what you have to offer. Anything less, boot them to the curb. Look for a relationship girl... who only has sex in relationships and not randomly. At your age, you can still find that. At mine? Well, Im not so lucky so I have to adapt to society's norms so I dont feel like a effin idiot. Best on this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): if it is that important to you, then by all means you should find someone who has similar values. I'm a female, and I "gave" my virginity to a guy who had slept with a girl before. Just one girl, and just one time. But still that has haunted me till this day. I struggle with jealousy and insecurities that are my own problems, but yet stem from the fact that A. I probably should have waited till marriage regardless, and B. I should not have asked for so many details about her in the first place. However, I will say that I do love this guy very very much and at the end of the day when I'm not all worked up over nothing (because the past is gone, forget it!) ((I tell myself)), I know he is the one I want to be with because he is great to me and there is far more important things than sexual history or any history with other females. (However, if he was like a gigolo or something I might have a problem). I hope this makes sense.I will say from experience, that if you want to wait, please do. It will only make YOU feel better. And if you save yourself for a non-virgin even, she will know you are worth it and should love and respect your morals. If you save yourself for a virgin, then I'm sure it will be just as wonderful. I'm saying, don't just pass someone by because she has made mistakes in her past.But if you rush into sex because you think you want to or she wants to, then it will only cause problems with your relationship and within yourself. I'm talking straight from experience again.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (2 May 2011):
 This is a normal way to feel.Now, on the one hand, it's impossible for every virgin to lose it to another virgin, simply because some people sleep with more than one virgin in their life. So if you're planning to hold out for another virgin, you'll have to be patient and diligent in your hunt - moreso if you plan to include other good attributes like personality, femininity, or looks.Losing it to some random girl might (and that's "might," not "will") help your confidence, but it won't change your feelings about girls' sexuality. You'll have to come to grips with that on your own. And changing your convictions about sex before marriage should be done because you believe it's right, not because you feel pressured.Your best bet is to seek a girl with a demonstrable history of self control and respect for her sexuality. A perfect girl might have dated a decent guy before meeting you, and that's just life - it's a whole different story from a girl who slept with every football player in her state.Virginity is really just an indicator of virtue, not the sole determinant of it. A good indicator, but not a perfect one. What you want is virtue, and you can find plenty of that in girls who have been with a guy or two.Again, holding out for another virgin is possible, but you'll have to move fast. They get snapped up quick. Better to come to terms with seeking virtue rather than virginity.
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A
female
reader, Fail.. +, writes (2 May 2011):
i don't think losing your virginity to a person you dont have feelings for is a good idea,i know where you are coming from with that idea but in my opinon it should be someone that means a lot to you.i think if you've found the perfect person for you and she wasnt a virgin i think you should try to look past it and think about how much she means to you. so just wait till it actually come upsorry if this doesnt help but if it does yay :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): Most girls who also want to save their virginity for marriage would be thrilled that their husband also waited. At 17, your chances of finding another virgin are still relatively high (compared to in your 20s--but even then it is still possible so don't give up).Just imagine for a moment if you met your dream girl and found out she lost her virginity to someone she had no feelings for just to get it over with and not risk losing her virginity to a non-virgin... how would you feel? I think you've just answered your own question. :)Also, most likely, as this is important to you, you can't just be "even" even if you get with a non-virgin later because you had one sexual experience with someone you had no feelings for. You would probably end up jealous (or feeling slighted) because she has even more sexual experience, or because she loved the person, etc. These kinds of feelings are irrational and consuming (just look around this site at all the discussions on retroactive jealousy). Don't compromise your values out of fear--you'll probably regret it for the rest of your life (at least, a long time).Better to hold on to your values and find someone who shares them. :)
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A
female
reader, curiosity1103 +, writes (2 May 2011):
I understand the opposite side of your problem... I was soo not a virgin by any means when I met the guy I am currently with. In fact I have a son who is almost 2. But my current boyfriend was a virgin when I met him and he is 22. We talked a lot about this. From what he's told me was that he wanted to wait for the right time (not marriage necessarily) but not to just lose it for the wrong reasons. We had talked about how being physical wasn't all we wanted before I did find out he was a virgin and he had known I was a mother before we even started talking... But what I can tell you is that I have never thought about my ex's when I am with him, and have never compared him to them... I respect that he was not just some guy sleeping around just because he could- but that a relationship and his virginity actually meant something to him.So I say- don't just lose it to lose it. Even if you don't wait till marriage. I lost my virginity for the wrong reasons and I regret it. I will say I have never regreted my son- but my son's father isn't even the guy I lost my virginity to... I hoped this helped...
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