A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A co-worker of mine and I started talking/flirting. Both married but unhappy for our different reasons. We wanted to help each other with the attention we werent getting at home and made promises to not fall in love. Well we did.. we kept a relationship for almost a year. We talked about leaving our spouses to be with one another. Planned the whole process out. I came to know her and her 2 kids very well. Though we only been on a handful of dates outside of work (to avoid being caught) we both couldnt get enough. She asked me if i would leave my wife.. that she would drop everything for me.. i hesitated. I didnt hesitate because i didnt want to. I have very little to lose on my part. Wife and i are basically roomates.. we have no friends and no kids. She has two kids with her husband.. he provides for her beyong my means, she loves his family, how could i take that away from her? Or her husband? Or kids? How could I honestly tell her that i will when we have never watched a movie together.. or going on an actual date.. we snuck around work to be together for so long but she didnt know the real me outside of work or vise versa for her. Eventually this caused her to snap at me.. saying she gave me a chance.. and that i had a deadline to choose. She was married but had her actual wedding coming up in 4 months.. she said i need to know or move forward with my husband. Things spiraled from that point.. arguing about how i felt and that it was real.. we stopped touching.. no longer texted after we got home.. no communication on the weekend. We continued to be friends but limited it to only that.. though we both couldnt stop flirting still and kissing. We came to a point.. a head with our fighting.. things cleared up.. we werent the same but in a wonderful place with possibilities of making it work. We said goodbye on a friday for the weekend.. kissed her as she pulled away.. Sunday comes around and i get an email that her husband found text from us and that she is trying to fix her relationship and that we were done. She came into work on Monday and quit. I wont dare reach out to her.. if choosing him is what she wants and what will make her happy.. i dont want to interfere or cause more issues. I want her happy. All of the reasons i listed on why i hesitated to end our relationships.. plus her wedding.. i know this is the best. I am not processing the pain well. Its been 3 weeks since i last heard her voice.. no text.. no emails. I now want to reach out just to see if she is okay.. but i wont. What can i do to ease this pain? what should i do about her? Is there some way to process this all that can help?I havent been on this site before.. or know if its active.. i dont even know if someone will reply.. but im here writing this out 3 weeks later because i hurt..at least i feel better i got this all down on paper and not festering in my head.. can anyone help?
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co-worker, flirt, kissing, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (18 February 2019):
 First step is to come clean by telling your wife what happened. Then you and your wife decide on how to proceed with the marriage or divorce. This should be plenty to take your mind off of the girl you had an affair with, who intelligently made the right choice.
A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (18 February 2019):
 A relationship without honesty is dead like any partnership. Whenever feelings of doubt and insecurities arise you should always tell it to your wife and not another woman.I'm genuinely sorry for what happened to you but it's basically your fault for losing heart on what you initially set out to do. You said you wanted towork with Girl B to fix your marriage and get the attention of your wife. Falling in love with Girl B might felt exciting and new but that's how affairs work,you really have to talk this out with your wife.Tell her about the affair, though your marriage might end in shambles it's both you and your wife's fault for drifting apart and being essentially room mates. Confide with her your feelings and discuss what you two want in life. You and your wife don't have kids so this makes everything a bit simpler.Though it's obvious that you care little for your wife as your hurting being cut off by Girl B (instead of finding strength in the girl you married and promised to be together), the first step to a happier life is to ask yourself honestly...Is my marriage worth fighting for?Good luck with everything.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 February 2019):
 Set your wife and yourself... free and get a divorce. It's NOT fair to keep being married when YOU don't really WANT to be with your wife. She DESERVES to be free to find someone who will love her and be faithful TO her.
And you, OBVIOUSLY are not happy with the marriage either, so WHY stay married?
The woman you has an affair with wouldn't have left her husband. Why do I say that? Because when she HAD the BIGGEST chance to end her marriage (when she got caught) she decided to work it out with him. Quit her job and focus on her family.
For her this affair was fantasy. NOT something she actually wanted. I get that it hurts, but HOW do you think your wife will feel when she finds out what you did behind her back?
So while you lick your wounds, maybe take a few minutes and THINK about your wife? And start planning the divorce.
Or at least TALK to her, so SHE can make the choice to stay with you (if you want that too) or divorce you.
Affairs rarely work out. 80% of marriages that started out as an affair... ends in divorce.
When people think OH divorce rates are SO high... Well, most average FAITHFUL marriages that ends in divorce is MUCH lower than marriages that started out with lies, deceit and cheating.
That might not help you feel better. But do consider that it probably wouldn't have worked out. And that CHEATING on a spouse is NEVER the right choice.
So DO the right thing by your OWN wife and... yourself.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (17 February 2019):
 In your shoes I would treat this as a wake-up call that you are unhappy in your marriage and need to do something about it. Either fix it or end it, otherwise you will keep looking for happiness elsewhere.
As to your ex lover, she has made her choice and moved on. That is the wise thing to do. She has cut you out of her life by telling you her husband found out about your relationship (maybe he did, maybe he didn't) and by quitting her job. I suspect she has probably blocked you as well so you can't contact her. You need to respect her wishes and leave her to work things out with her husband and children.
Concentrate on sorting out your own life and this episode will eventually fade into the past and the pain will ease. You are living a half life at the moment. You deserve better. Make it happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2019): Typo correction:
"You're supposed to get out of it first; then proceed with your romantic-pursuits."
Filing for divorce and getting your life in order should take your mind off the other woman. You owe your wife a confession, or a divorce. Take your pick. The divorce may not be your choice to make; it might be hers. The other woman's husband has a matter to settle with you. Lets see who gets to tell your wife about the affair first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2019): Get your priorities straight. Get a divorce if your current marriage isn't working and you feel the need to go destroy another one for your own selfish reasons.
The hurt comes to remind you of all the lines you've crossed; and to teach you something about doing the right thing. You decided to have an affair instead of doing things on the up and up. You cheated on your marriage. You're supposed to get out if first; then proceed with your romantic-pursuits. Your wife gets some unintended payback and vindication; because you reap what you sow. You cheated on her, before you dissolved the marriage. Your vows hold until you do.
So you get some pain and suffering for your wrongdoing. Now you're asking about how to heal? Now her husband knows, and he also knows where you work. I think you've got more concerns than heartbreak. If he knows, it's a matter of time before he confronts you and maybe informs your wife.
You can avert some of the heartache by distracting yourself with the marriage you're in. Try doing what she did; make a choice and do what's right.
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