A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:a year ago, i asked my gf for an open relationship. i really wanted to experience more sexually from different types of women. We had been together for three years before i asked her, and after five months she told me she would give a try, though she wasn't excited about it. for a year, everything seemed great. It wasn't as though we would date other people. It was just sex. Nothing more; and when someone would try and ask for more, we'd pull out. It was pretty easy. We still loved each other and had a deep emotional connection.But yesterday, my gf came to me and told me that she had actually gotten close to one of the men she had slept with. They weren't dating, didn't go to dinner or movies or anything of the kind. They just talked on the phone a lot. I never thought anything about it since I thought she loved only me.She told him about our open relationship a week ago, and apparently he wasn't into that kind of thing. She then told me that she hadn't been feelin' it for a while and that the idea of an open relationship had never sat well with her. She ended up falling in love with someone else. According to her, someone who doesn't want to share her with other men. Now I really love my gf. And for the past 20-something hours, I've been trying to think of ways to change her mind and her heart and to give me an honest shot at a total monogomous relationship. I've deleted all the numbers of the girls i would 'see' sometimes and told myself i was done with that.But she seems dead set on leaving me for this guy.Help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I think if there is one thing you forgot to consider while proposing the "open relationship"...is your girlfriend.Have you never thought that she may be capable of straying and may fall in love with someone else? Clearly at the time you were thinking of this arrangement, you were only thinking of yourself and all those women you can get in bed with. You forgot to think about all those men she can sleep with.Inspite of her not looking excited about it, you went on with your selfish decision. So now, it's like you took a gun and shut yourself.It's not that she may not change her mind and proceed with her decision to leave and start anew with another man. I don't think she has lost all feelings for you. However, before she was 100% yours, now, 50-50? Or even less than that. Also, you already severely damaged what was a good relationship and it's like you had freely given your girl to a luckier man. With this other guy, it's a whole new experience, a new promise. I suggest that it's best to move on.Whether she stay or leave, please take this as a very big lesson. Don't play with fire again.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (3 October 2012):
Whenever considering an open relationship with some one you are serious about, please never forget the following two steadfast rules:
1 - Open relationships do not work with someone you care about. Never, no exceptions.
2 - Please see rule #1
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): I just have one thing to say to a man who had a perfectly great woman, but wanted an "open" relationship (code for screwing around with permission) and then lost his great girlfriend to a man who she had sex with because you basically made her do it....Ha-ha, Ha-Ha, Ha-Ha. You got what you deserve. I hope she and her new man will be very happy and very exclusive and you can continue to chase empty, pointless tail for the rest of your ridiculous life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): This happened to me before. My boyfriend and I had been dating for almost 4 years when he suggested we "see other people". Like you, he just wanted casual sex with other women, but wanted to stay in a relationship with me. And just like your girlfriend, I didn't want that. I told him I would try it, anyway. Apparently, he thought I would just sit around and wait for him to have his fun, and get it out of his system. Instead, I decided to take FULL advantage of our open relationship. Then all the sudden, he didn't want it anymore. When he learned about all the guys I had seen, he was devastated. All I Had to say to him was, you can't take what you hand out. He knew it hurt my feelings when he asked me for it, and didn't care. I even cried and he ignored me. Yet he expected me to understanding of his feelings later on. The double standard really pissed me off, so I just ended it right there. My point in telling you this is my experience is a perfect example of why open relationships don't work out. One person either ends up getting too jealous of the other person's sex buddies, or they end up falling for one of them. And no matter which thing it is, one (if not both) people in the relationship gets screwed over. I'm sorry for your loss, but take it as a lesson learned the hard way. All you can do now is move on, and treat the next woman better.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 I just think that if you are bringing other people into a relationship that you don't really want a relationship...you want to play around. Play around and don't involve the hearts/minds of others.
I agree with SageOldGuy and could not have said it better myself.
Even though she said "yes" to you...you went ahead and went through with it without staying faithful to her. Really, this was YOUR decision not HERS.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): You have indicated to her for the past year that you want to have sex with many women.The only reason you wish to return to a monogamous situation is that she is leaving you for another man.You opened the boundaries to include other people. This means she had the opportunity to sample other men and has now found one more suitable to her tastes and inclinations.Isn't this the logical outcome of your open relationship?For you, it may have been just sex. For her, it was shopping for a new boyfriend. You wish to change her mind and heart. What evidence do you have to support your claim that you can suddenly become monogamous, and stay monogamous, when for the past year you wanted many sex partners? Was there one conversation, one incident, any event, in which you said to her that you were growing tired of the arrangement?When you move the boundaries as you did, you would be foolish to expect that the new boundaries are somehow set in stone. The new boundaries are just as flexible as the old, just as subject to movement.Are you prepared to be celibate for the next few months while she dates this new man? That would indicate clearly to her that she is the one woman you desire.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Have you ever heard of "tickling the dragon's tail?"....
In the early days of the nuclear age.... laboratory scientists learned that they could take pieces of enriched uranium (like that used in bombs) and if they put two pieces of them on a lab table... then pushed them together... they would REACT (nuclear fission)... with a SMALL nuclear reaction (like a firecracker)....and that "explosion" would blow them apart and STOP the reaction....
Later in life, many of those scientists developed skin lesions, cancers and other complications from that "tickling the dragon's tail" that they thought was such fun in the laboratory, those oh-so-many years ago...
You, Sir, have "tickled the dragon's tail" relative to coitus and copulation.... and now will get the chance to pay your price....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Well all you can do is try. She may not go for it but you need to at least try. You said you told yourself you were done with the other women and deleted their numbers. Did you tell her this? I think you need to sit down with her and lay it all out. Tell her you love her, you are sorry about the open relationship and want to be completely monogamous now, she does make you happy enough and you want only her. Tell her you deleted all the other numbers and never want to have sex with anyone but her again. Tell her you are willing to go to couples counseling to get through this, anything so you won't lose her. As long as all of that is true and correct, say it to her. Put your heart on the line and try your best to show you can and want to change the relationship and that you love her.
If after all of that, offering to do anything to keep her and telling her you love her, she still wants to leave then there is nothing left you can do. It's possible the open relationship caused problems she won't ever be able to fix. It's also possible she brought up this other man to show you that she wants someone monogamous, and that could be you if you have the same outlook she does. You love her so you have to try. Tell her how you feel and hope for the best. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 October 2012):
 BTDT... My ex husband needed the ego stroke of female attention from multiple females so we became "swingers" that worked for many years since I was not interested in being with men and I was fine with him being with other women.. yes we played at parties together but I did not have a little something something on the side....
then I met a man that intrigued me we negotiated a NSA FWB relationship (the three of us sat down one night and talked it out and set the ground rules and guidelines)....
that was November 2010. by March 2011 my husband moved out, he could not bear the jealousy he felt. I offered to end the relationship and have him give up his lady friends but he would not accept that as an option....
so he moved out in March 2011 and I continued my relationship with my FWB who was 2 hours away...
in April my ex remarried a woman he was seeing (that I knew about and encouraged him to see)
and Saturday I marry my FWB.... who is now my totally 100% monogamous partner....
open relationships do not work for the most part. I do know several long term married couples (all over 20 years together) who are in the lifestyle and it works for them....
using open relationships to save bad relationships or for the wrong reasons never works.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (2 October 2012):
I'm sorry, but I don't think there is anything you can do to change her mind.
You were the one who wanted the open relationship, not her. You were the one who told her you wanted to experience different women sexually...to a woman that says, 'sexually, you are not enough for me.'
She didn't want an open relationship. She wanted a closed relationship with only one person and she now has found a man who shares her views on this.
Perhaps next time you will focus more energy on attending to an working out the problems in your relationship instead of just opening up the relationship and sleeping with other people while you ignore the problems at home.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Yep, you've only yorself to blame for losing her. I'm afraid your deciding to try monogamy is just a little to late.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Sorry but you brought this on yourself. You pushed her to let you see other women even when she wasn't OK with it, and in doing so you sent a loud and clear message to her. That she wasn't number one in your life and you cared more about random sex than her. She met someone who wanted her and only her, why would she want to settle for someone who wants everyone else too?
She was likely worried the same would happen with you the whole time this was going on. Sorry but I don't think you can talk her out of this one. She had said she didn't want to do this right off the bat.
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