A
female
age
30-35,
*argentsgirl89
writes:Okay. My son's father, we will call him Cord, died in June of '09 he fell of a roof and broke his neck (he was drunk)and my bf, Michael and I have been together for two years almost.Anyway, Cord was never there for our son. When our son was hospitalized, he didn't come see him because he "couldn't see him like that" (welcome to parenthood) I found out later that he was at a party all night that night. The only time Cord would hold our son is when little 12-15 year old girls were around to witness him being the "good father". Other than that he wouldn't hold him. I was always bailing him out of jail and putting up with his friends. When I first told him that I was pregnant, he told me that I was a whore and that the baby wasn't his. Which was crap because I lost my virginity to him and I hadn't slept with anyone else.My bf Michael has been there for me, during my pregnancy, when we were just friends, and then later after my son was born. Michael came and saw my son when he was hospitalized and I didn't ask him to. He has always been there. Given us whatever we needed. When we went on our first date, my son got to go as well.My son has called him Daddy since I can remember.Cord's family doesn't sit well with this. They tell us repeatedly that Michael will never be his Dad. Ever. One of Cord's brothers who is 16 actually threatened to kill him because I don't allow them to see him that often.He is immature and likes to tell me that I'm a bitch and I'm stupid and blah blah blah. I have a semi good relationship with Cord's mother. She too won't accept michael as my son's dad. I don't know what to do. When they say these things it greatly hurts Michael and I love him so much.Everyone expects me to please all of them and when i don't they get extremely upset and pissed off.I don't let Cord's family see my son that often because some of them are using drugs. and the other bit of them are immature trouble makers.I don't know what to do. Am I in the right in not letting them see him and telling them that Michael is his real father since he has been there for him?
View related questions:
drugs, drunk, immature, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (16 November 2010):
largentsgirl89 is verified as being by the original poster of the question "Cord" is her son. He passed away last June. Her whole family has used drugs in the past, hers within the last year (once). One of her family members is using that I know of and he lives with them.
Michael doesn't want her coming to our home to see my son and he doesn't want me going over to her house either. She really enjoys spending time with her grandson, as most grandmothers do, but Michael doesn't want her involved because her family is constantly reminding "Michael" that he isn't my son's real father and they will point out pictures of "Cord" and say this is your daddy, not "Michael". I'm at a loss as to what I should do. I don't think it's right that he is asking me to choose. She is his grandmother and I beleive that she has every right to see her grandchild in a safe place and as long as her family member who is using isn't around (he isn't permitted around my son no matter what)but again, Michael doesn't want her around because she used to use drugs. So in his mind she will always be a "crackhead". What I am asking is, is it right for him to make me choose? What would you do in this situation? And why doesn't he want her to have a part in her grandson's life? He is the only living remaining part of her son who passed away at eighteen years old.
"Michael" said that he can't be with me if she is going to continue to be a part of his life and its going to be really hard to let him go.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 That is not fair. He cannot ask this of you but, I suppose I understand why he feels this way.
I think, if your son's grandmother wishes to be a part of her grandson's life, she will need to adapt to not being around the rest of her family as much. But if they are all drunken, drug abusing, violence-loving fools then why should she choose them over this innocent child? If she is not willing to do that, I think it best that you remove your son and yourself from ever contacting that family again, they should not even touch your life anymore. As for Michael, he has to realize that he is still the father of this child in every way other than blood, he has to accept that sometimes we cannot always get the life we dream of. But now, he has reason to. He has you and this little boy to bond with.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 November 2010):
Your son probably does need to know his Grandmother. If he doesn't, in years to come he may resent that you didn't let him see her, especially if she is there for him. The rest of the family have no part to play in his life. Michael has no right to make you choose. However, it's worth thinking about the safety of your child. Ultimately, this is a choice only you can make. Either his Grandmother is worthy of Cord's time, or she's not. We can't decide that for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (16 November 2010):
largentsgirl89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMichael has informed me that he wants me to choose between Cord's family (his mom) and him (Michael).
He told me that everytime I mention Cord's mother he is reminded that he really isn't the father and that I had my son with another guy who isn't him. He told me that he had planned on marrying a woman with whom he was the first and last with, (sorry I can't change the past give me a time machine) and not someone like me who had a child out of wedlock, but he loves me too much to let me go.
I don't know what to do here. Because on the one hand Cord's family haven't really ever been there for me or my son, I mean, I know his grandmother loves him, he is her only grandson for heaven's sake and she is there when she can be. I can't just sever the ties of grandma and grandson, that to me is wrong. But the majority of her family is into drugs.
But on the other hand Michael has always been there for me and my son. Even when we weren't dating he was there. He has always given us whatever we needed and made sure that we are taken care of and I love him so much. I have never felt anything like this before.
Who do I choose? Is it right/ok for Michael to ask me to choose between them? Him and I aren't married. I don't even know if we will get married. I'm so confused. Help me, please?
...............................
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (15 November 2010):
largentsgirl89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSES!!!! Caringguy, I have no problem telling my son who is real father is when he is old enough to understand, but for right now, to him, Michael is his father and they are doing everything in their power to alter that.
I'm not going to tell my son that he can't call Michael his father, in his eyes that's his Daddy, you know?
I just am at a loss for what to do. I don't feel that I am in the wrong for what I'm doing. Thank you all so very much for your responses. I greatly appreciate it!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 November 2010):
The moment you said Cord hadn't turned up for his son's hospital treatment and had gone to a party, was the moment I knew you were doing the right thing in not letting that disgusting family see your baby.
In fairness to Cord's mother, I don't see how she can ever substitute Michael for her own son (i.e the father of your child). She is the only person who has real right to talk about this, and it's probably important that your son knows about his real father.
But, I am totally with you all the way elsewhere. Do not ever let the rest of that shocking family get to you. Druggies, drunks, violent idiots - these are people you do not need around your son. And if any of that family ever threaten you, Michael or your baby again, look seriously into getting court orders to get that family away.
How can one family be so dreadful, I will never know. But somehow that family managed it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (14 November 2010):
In essence, it is up to the boy and if your young son has grown accustomed to calling to calling Michael, his father, then I see no reason why Cord's family should interfere with that. They have no say in whether or not Michael shall ever be the father of your young boy because the child's mind is made up, there is nothing they can do to change it.
They can either accept it or remove themselves from that little boy's life. You as his mother have made the right choice in limiting the frequency of visitations to your son or vice versa. He is your son now and he is your boyfriend's son too, it matters little now whose blood runs through his veins when in spirit and in mind, your boyfriend is your son's father.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): The sperm donor (Cord) has done nothing to be a real father. Whereas a real father would do the things Michael has done. Being there for you, visiting in hospital. He is a good man, cherish him. Protection of your son's welfare is your call and your priority. Cord's family have NO say on this. You do not even have to agree to your son seeing them ever. And in view of the drugs, jail, violence and their attitudes i think they would be a seriously bad set of role models for your son. Can you shift somewhere where Cord's family cannot find you? That is what i would do, for your safety and the safety of yiur son.
...............................
|
