A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, at 20 I know i'm young for this whole sort of thing. But i realise i seem to either attract or am automatically attracted to somewhat broken or troubled girls. At first glance. You would not be able to tell (heck, my brain can't tell, if it could i'd be more cautious) that they have anything arginally wrong in their lives, yet as soon as i get to know them. They seem to tell me everything that has happened to them in their lives thus far. It has happened to me at least 6 times in the past where i have been seeing a girl and have been helping them through tough times too. I've been there solving their problems and I get some love for it. Up untill the point i say i love them for who they are (after the point i've made them feel better about themselves) at which point they'll up and leave without a care. So i'm well used to the fact of getting used. And i don't care anymore. In fact now if i don't feel anything i'll leave myself. I won't stay where i'm not wanted. But anyways, i've just lately been seeing this girl for about 2 weeks. Nothing big, just casual, at which point she said that she really likes me. I said i don't know her well enough so we spent some time getting to know each other. She and my Pals go way back, you know the usual drinking, partying etc. But i'm more than surprised i've never heard of her before seeing as we are all close friends and stay in close contact. However, on the walk home from Uni with her one afternoon. I think i found out why. She's a bit of a wild child, she goes far, far farther than my friends (not saying myself, i've gone too far once or twice in the past but i'm a changed guy). Infact, the instance of why i never heard of her was because she didn't get off with one of my friends boy friends, she got off with all of them over the course of 6 months. You can imagine the look of shocked faces when we all realised what the hell was going on when i accidentally reintroduced them all. I managed to smooth that over, but on the walk home today. She told me that when she gets drunk, she gets too flirty and usually ends up in some guys arms. She hasn't done this for ages (uni requires lots of work we just don't have time) but in her past she has done this. Infact in one instance she contracted chlamydia from the guy she slept with. Anyways now she's sorting it out with him because he keeps spreading rumors. I decided to accompany her to his house. Namely because i'm 6ft 3, well built and take boxing and kick boxing so needless to say. Things don't get out of hand if i'm there. The only problem is. This isn't the only guy thats screwed her over in the past, there have been numerous guys. I'm not saying its all their fault. But i'm left picking up the pieces as always. And i'll be honest with you, its hard work. However i can't help but feel sorry and want to help her. And i do love her. But god this isn't troubled, this is a train wreck. I'm literally picking up the wreck carriage by carriage and placing them on the rails before laoding the luggage, fixing the lighting, fixing the wheels, connecting the drive etc. Its alot of work.And after being used numerous times by girls like this in the past (though not one quite this complex) i'm really struggling to keep going.Should i persist with helping her?Should i try to avoid damaged girls in future?Should i tell her that somethings are best left in the past (i don't like the idea of numerous ex boyfriends turning up at my door)?SHe sounds more trouble than she's worth, but she is lovely, in actuality, she's just had a string of bad luck and is clawing at the walls trying to get out.So what do i do from here?
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drunk, flirt, her past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): Run, run, run away, far away.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 I'd listen to the female anon who linked to the co-dependent page... good advice.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (15 September 2011):
After reading through your post I'd honestly say stop helping and move on.
Usually I don't think the distant past should have much influence on a relationship. However the most worrying thing about your post is that it doesn't sound like her wild behaviour is in the past at all, in fact it sounds as if it was fairly recent and that she is still currently going through it.
The fact that she openly admitted to you
"when she gets drunk, she gets too flirty and usually ends up in some guys arms."
and the only thing that's stopping her now is lack of time isn't very encouraging. It just doesn't sound like matured, changed reasoning.
Also as for the guy who's spreading rumors, instead of just ignoring him and focusing on another relationship she has you going with her to 'sort' this out. That's not really a normal thing for a new/developing relationship and as the other poster said it's more something a friend would do.
Basically, I don't think this girl is ready for a serious relationship yet, if you carry on you will probably get hurt/used sooner or later. I don't think it was bad luck that caused her to go through all your friends.
Seeing as you said you're struggling to keep going I would advise you to leave and move on, otherwise you'll become more and more attached and it will be so much harder to leave or get over her.
As for avoiding damaged/needy girls....the only advice I can really give you is to look out for girls who constantly need your help from early on in the relationship and the one's who put themselves down, need frequent reassurance and who seem to get all their self-esteem from you. If you meet someone like this, don't progress the relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 What do you do ? A sharp U turn , don't worry about the skid marks.
Do you HAVE to pick up the pieces and fix broken girls ? No, not until they pay you for that in your professional capacity as a psychologist or social worker.
Now, you seem to feel a strong attraction ONLY for this type of girls, and where from within you this is coming from, I am not qualified to say , if it gets to be a huge problem in your relationship life then maybe you will consider seeking professional help for that. But for the time being, you are wise and aware enough to SEE the red flags, so I think you are wise and aware enough to stay away from trouble even without too much introspection.
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A
female
reader, Sakura86  +, writes (15 September 2011):
Well, for me, she is really a trouble girl. I mean it is hard to know if it is all her past, present or future. Girls are good in telling lies. Good luck with this time, but all of her troubles are what she created, not bc "she's just had a string of bad luck." You like her, but don't let your emotion get over your reason.
And I am sorry for you being unlucky with meeting problem girls all the time. However, you are still young right? So it is not like you will be unlucky forever. Why don't you try to look for girl in a more decent places instead of club or bar? May be you will meet a girl that nice and decent. Or may be you are attracted easily to sexy and flirty girl? You can play around with bad girl, but they are definitely not good choices for you to put your feeling on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): I am torn between thinking three ways 1. What a hero and decent guy, willing to give these girls a chance and to help them - sounds like every girls' dream.2. Does this guy have low self esteem and therefore finds it easier and rewarding to get to know girls that are vulnerable/"broken" because they tend to be more open and grateful towards guys who seem sensitive than others? If he was going for girls that are not "broken" they would not let him into their lives so readily and he would have to work harder for approval 3. This guy likes mending things - especially people - and maybe he should be doing this for a paid job.It sounds to me as if, at this stage in your life, it could really be a mixture of all three. As a result, probably your boundaries about what is and is not "normal" or "acceptable" behaviour are getting very mixed up. Your situation reminds me slightly of a guy that I know who seems, when you first meet him, the most sensitive guy in the world towards women - so gentle, very caring and patient and always on women's side. Weirdly enough as I have gotten to know this guy over many years I have come to understand that he is actually a total narcissist and that he is this way with women through sheer narcissism and because he needs the "hit" of feeling that he has "notched up" another female's approval - I don't necessarily mean sexually, just psychologically. This became slightly odd when he started to work as a tutor and, to my mind, crossed boundaries by encouraging girls to "confess" things to him, albeit supposedly in relation to their studies. From here, he decided he wanted to be a counsellor because he loves the feeling when girls say to him "I have never told anyone about this before". Can you see where I am going with this? On the surface all seems well and both parties are happy, but there is something slightly "off" about the idea that this guy goes out of his way and to extremes to get women to open up to him purely for his own sense of machismo. And he has had many, many girlfriends in this time - always unable to commit to just one girl. Every woman that I know who is straight loves the idea that her guy will always be there to "fight her corner" when things go wrong - but they don't expect it all the time and if that is happening I'd say the first point of call is to look to your own self esteem and see if you are getting a buzz from feeling so needed.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (15 September 2011):
 You Sir are a rescuer. You function one to one by rescuing girls. You attract them because they look around for a helper and find one in you. When you have served your purpose, they have no need for you. So, ask yourself why you need to rescue people? How would you feel in a relationship if you were not helping someone and they didn't need to rely on your help?
If you are not comfortable in rescue type relationships or that they don't lead to anything you need to change your outlook. Therefore, cut ties with this girl and look for other options. As soon as you identify someone that needs rescuing then do not start anything with them. Keep looking around for other options. Hope this helps a little.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): Stop helping her. And stop going out with damaged girls because you're not emotionally healthy yourself (which is why you get involved with them in the first place).
You have a typical 'rescuer' complex. You can google it, you're basically co-dependent (you can google that too for more info). You derive your sense of identity and self esteem from being the Knight in Shining Armor.
This is kindheartedness and caring-ness gone twisted and perverted. When you see yourself as someone's savior you're (a) operating from a one-up position in the relationship so you're implicitly not treating her with respect even though you may hide your disdain well (b) you dig yourself into a hole where you feel exhausted, frustrated and resentful that after all the work you do for her she's still not "saved" or appreciative of you enough (c) you're helping to keep her broken by picking up the pieces for her rather than leaving her to pick them up herself eventually. If you don't pick up the pieces she'll have two choices: learn to do it for herself and thereby become a better and less damaged person (which is what is best for her), or just find another man to fill your role so she can continue along her present dysfunctional path but as some other guy's problem.
You are being co-dependent (which is also dysfunctional because it's psychologically unhealthy) because you get involved in relationships where you take on a 'rescuer' or 'savior' role. such relationships don't work out well. They dont' end with the damaged girl and her knight in shining armor living happily ever after because he's saved her from her problems. Instead the problems never end, literally, because they're an ongoing part of who she is and you're helping to keep her stuck in that role by taking on the responsibilities for her problems. Therefore such relationships always become and stay miserable for both people unless you change yourself to break out of this unhealthy pattern.
http://www.alumbo.com/article/15392-Are-You-Codependent.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): It seems like you are getting friend-zoned over and over and over again. Stay away from this dude, its completely beta.As soon as it looks like its heading towards that friend-zone, get the hell outa their. TRUST ME!!
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