A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Six months ago my partner of 2.5 years promised we would get married by end of year.I had never been comfortable living together but somehow it just happened as after a ended 30 year marriage I fancied myself madly in love and was love starved. My new man moved in with me and he left his hometown to do so. I set up a new business and he has worked in this while I continued to keep my managers job. I have paid for everything as he was in debt when I met him due to illness and divorce and am even paying his Childs maintenance and access costs. The business cannot pay a wage yet. I asked him this week when did he plan on us getting married seeing there is only about 14 weeks left this year? He became agitated and would not commit to a date. I am so hurt by his lack of feelings for my feelings. He said we need to get engaged first which I do not care about at my age 53. Still no commitment from him. Is it wrong if me to expect him to fulfill his promise?? I feel so sick and have a knot in my stomach as I feel he never plans to marry me which is very important to me.I pay for everything still cause the business only covers its expenses. should I say farewell and gather up what little respect I have for myself? I feel like I bought a man who has taken everything I gave but he does not want to commit to being a husband. I know it is old fashioned to want to be married but he promised me and now is using every excuse to avoid it. I would like to hear what you think.a friend told me why would he want the cow when he already has the cream?
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 I agree with your friend. I've seen this situation occur a lot, on dearcupid: man promises marriage with some distant date in mind in order to get a roof over his head and free sex, they move in together with this verbal promise, man postpones and drags his feet about the actual date, fight / arguments ensue.
I think you need to sit down with your man and explain to him that you moved in together with a plan in place -- vague as it was -- and let him know how you feel about marriage and why you want it to happen. Explain to him how you feel about him and why you think it is important. You may also want to ask him what he is afraid of and ask him straight up, why he doesn't want to get married. No excuses, no cop-outs, no running away / getting angry, just straight up answers.
Finally, I think you need to determine for yourself if you are willing to live as a couple without the marriage bond or do you have the strength to say good-bye to this man. You will probably have to play the ultimatum card to get him to commit to you. Not every woman is willing to risk her relationship over getting marriage. The question is, are you?
There are no easy solutions here. But I think you are long overdue for a frank conversation with your boyfriend about the future of your relationship and I think you need to come to terms about what sort of commitment-level your boyfriend has with you.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (15 September 2011):
"I feel like I bought a man who has taken everything I gave but he does not want to commit to being a husband. "
There is something very wrong in this statement. Almost, that you expect him to marry you, because you have financially helped him. You can not expect someone to want to marry you just on this.
There are at least 2 reasons why he is being this way about marriage:
1) He is not ready to marry you
2) He does not want to marry you (or anyone)
I'm going to generalise here and say, at your age in life you should know what you want, and don't want, and should be able to tell if someone is marriage material. 2.5 years is a long time to get to know each other. It's not the same as being in your teens or 20's when you are still massively changing in life.
Have you considered that he doesn't actually want to get married, but is just delaying it and telling you what you want to hear?
IMO you can't have a woman in any relationship pestering the man to marry her. It should be up to him to want to marry you. If too much time passes, with no marriage proposal, you should consider that he doesn't want to marry you - and perhaps think about if the relationship is going anywhere...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Sorry if it sounds cynical, but why do you want to marry him at all, in the present conditions ?
You have the strong doubt he is around not because of you but because of your money and the comfy carefree lifestyle you make possible for him. Basically you suspect him of being a moocher and a swinndler, which may , or may not, be the case, but until you have these doubts you should NOT marry him.
Suppose you are right, you'd be rewarding a moocher. If , God forbid, you should die before him, he gets to inherit from you , and he does not deserve it. If you open a joint account he may bleed you dry before you know it. I don't know the laws in your country, but there's the chance that once married you could be financially responsible for any debts incurred in by your spouse.
I would not even think about wedding dates and would put away those bridal magazines until I was satisfied I had a much clearer assessment of the situation !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): He is such an a******. Man, I feel sad for you, but just give up on him. You want him to continue using your hard working money that he doesn't deserve to have? You paid for him everything even his child support, and now you know his real face, don't let he uses you any further. And I think that you are not wrong for wanting to get married. It is girl's dream no matter how old you are.
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