A
male
age
51-59,
*uarky
writes:Everyone goes through heart breaks-it's part of life. Many recover and move on and each takes their own time and healing process. OK that's the theory but in real life, with each heart break comes another layer of protection. Any new relationship becomes more difficult as you won't or can't give 100 per cent-at least to start.Eventually, you may let them in, only to find that when you do, you are ridiculed or seen to be weak. So to save that pain, you clam up. That leads to a bad relationship, which ends-more heart break, more layers.I'm not saying this always happens (my bad choices) but surely there is a point where you either give up any hope of a relationship for fear of the pain, or you simply cannot conduct a healthy relationship because of the barriers that you've built?Is there a point where you know you can trust and confide in a partner without fear? I suspect not......How many heart breaks is enough?
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reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (14 August 2009):
 This is a philosophical issue that I am currently struggling with in my 50's.I have had both love and heartbreak and the last one was intensely painful. I opened my heart up to someone who made my life wonderful and who, tragically, and through the intermeddling of others, has left me.The only conclusion is that love is a zero sum game. When we love we invest our time, energy and efforts into a person we have grown to love. Invested in this relationship are goals, dreams, desires, wants and needs. Its a tall order to fill.But we know that the love is going to end. Sometimes too soon, and sometimes because of death. So we know it will not last forever because at the very least, everyone will die and so there will be heartbreak due to death.So everything that is invested in the relationship will be taken by someone, something, or a death.You start with nothing, and due to loneliness and despair, you find someone to fill your heart and whom you can give your heart. Then they go away. You suffer.Its agony and ecstacy. In the process you want to constantly build a fortress around your heart. You want to keep others out because you're afraid if you try again you will get hurt.But eventually the barriers break down, the wall comes down and you meet someone to let in. And the process begins again.When God made us, he made us imperfect beings with our own minds, our own hearts and unfortunately, desperate needs to be loved.If you choose never to love again, you will still be in pain because you will be lonely. So no matter which bet you place, you're going to lose in the end.The way people cheat this outcome is simply to create the emotional equivalent of a Mexican stand-off. We love but not completely, but this then begets new heartbreaks that spread like a virus.We get some affection, but can afford to lose it because its not as deep, connected or bonded. So it doesn't hurt so deep when the next bus comes along.Eventually though, someone will work his or her way into your heart deep enough that you will stop resisting and once again, though you bought some time; you will suffer.And so I struggle with it every minute in dire loneliness. I have no inclination to try and fall in love again, but instead search out companionship. The old Mexican standoff.I can afford to care or maybe love a little in order to have someone give me some affection in order to make me want to live again. But for the one love that I have lost recently, our bonds are still strong and our emotions are still intertwined. We want to be together but external forces have intervened and intentionally kept us apart.Like I said, all you can do is hope for the Mexican standoff if you're afraid (as I am) of having your heart trashed yet again.
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male
reader, quarky +, writes (14 August 2009):
quarky is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks for all the responses. This was really supposed to be an article rather than a question-not sure how it ended up here!I think it's inevitable that you do build up layers of protection-I suppose it's how you deal with it that counts. And that will depend on how much you were hurt and, although a cliché, time is a great healer. I don't want to give up and will probably go through the process again at least once again until-if-I find that 'one'I just think it gets more difficult with each one - you're more cautious, which can be a good thing as you tend not to make as many mistakes, or bad thing, as you can give the wrong impression.I certainly hope I never get to the stage where I say 'no more'!
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reader, Perspicacious +, writes (14 August 2009):
Having experienced heartbreak, why would anyone chose to seek out another relationship at all?In many ways our desire for relationships is what defines us as people. We are by nature both social and tribal creatures, and key within that is our wish to find the "special one". In many ways it is because our hope for it is so important that our pain is so immense when such relationships fail.Giving up is simply not an option for a healthy individual. Indeed, it is possible to sense the pain someone must be feeling if they are driven to talk about doing so.There is nothing wrong with taking a little time out to heal after a breakup, indeed it is to be recommended. But that is not giving up, far from it.If you are holding on to layer upon layer of hurt then you need to find a way to let go of it, which is not easy. But, it is something you need to do because as you say it does begin to harm your ability to form new relationships.Speaking to a skilled relationship counsellor is certainly a good option. Relate offer such a service to individuals (they moved on from being "marriage guidance" a long time ago!), so why not get in touch with your local branch and see how they can help you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Sorry you have been heartbroken a few times but it will always be this way unless you pull down those barriers,you cant have a relationship built on what ifs or bring the past into your future,we all get hurt at some point in life but we learn to put the past behind us and unless you do that and learn not to be afraid of what the future holds you will never be free to love and trust again
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): I know how you feel a bit. My first boyfriend and I got engaged and were together for 3 years, I found out he had cheated on me and we broke up. I then started to date someone else and was with them for 4 years. I had not trusted my second boyfriend for a long time just because of all the bad things that my ex fiancee had done to me. Now I am married to someone else for like 6 months now and I see myself carrying on those bad thoughts and thinking the same way. What I now see is that if I keep holding on to these bad ideas and thoughts I am going to end up loosing my husband. What I am trying to say here is that if you do not start to trust people and not make a big issue over small things you will never be happy. You can be trusting of some one and not be desprate or needy just you have to put it all in moderation. It is hard at times but we all have to let go of the past and start a clean slate... Just remember to not hold on to the bad memories and to let new experiences happen. I hope this helps...
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reader, urbanking99 +, writes (13 August 2009):
Each one is so different and we all heal in different ways and take different times.
I personally feel that to move on you have to love yourself before you can truly love again. Each partner has something new to offer and something new to learn.
If you can't trust and confide in someone you will be on your own - for ever because its easier but its no fun.
I should know I split from my first true love over 18 years ago and haven't dated since. I tried to fill my life with work, boring, boring, boring. You need to get out there and try again.
I have fallen in love again but with someone who is MY BEST friend. She has also found someone she is in love with. I have to accept I can do no more than I have done. I love her with every fibre of my being and YET I know I have to let her go for her to be HAPPY. It hurts and it hurts more than I ever thought it could.
How many heart breaks is enough - NO answer is available for this question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): When you have that many layers of protection, you need to see a therapist or other relationship counsellor to work on your own issues to become healthy before getting into another relationship.
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