A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im not looking so much for an answer as advice from people who have maybe been in a similar situation. My bf and i have been together almost a year now, in that time i found out he had slept with a prostitute, before he was with me. I find this really hard to deal with, its just so different from the man i know. I want to get over it and move forward and i am trying, but i think about it daily, and it causes me a lot of pain. The whole situation is just so twisted, his father took my bf and his brother to a brothel when my bf was 18 (he didn't know that they were going there until they got there) and they all saw prostitutes. Until this happened i saw a future for us, and i am still in love with my bf, but now as much as i want to, i dont know if i can stay in the relationship. If anyone has been in a similar situation id love to talk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): This may not be what you want to hear but the fact is (according to what you wrote) this happened before he was with you. It's his past. I can't imagine how much fun he could have had knowing his father was there (probably not in the room but there) with him. But it's his past. How do you know other guys you've gone out with haven't also seen prostitutes? All that matters is that he wants to be with you, no one else. Either accept him as you knew him (because he's still the same person) or move on!
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female
reader, Blue Sahara  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 I think you have the right to mourn the loss of something you wanted.
I think you wanted (like most of us) for a relationship to consist of certain things and no little girl dreams about her future partner going to prostitutes when he was young. So I think you need to mourn that loss.
But in time make sure to realize that he hasn't changed. Just your understanding about his past has.
I knew this couple where the guy wasn't a virgin and but the girl was and she wanted to wait till marriage. Well a few months into their relationship she had all these memories come back to her from her childhood and how she was molested for a very long time. She went through hell after that. Struggling with so many things. Odd questions like was she a virgin still. And she had to adjust to this new understanding. And the guy had to realize that her first sexual experiences wouldn't be with him. They were stolen by some pervert when she was younger. And sadly, she remembered a lot of the experiences.
Obviously anyone that hears that is going to think "She was raped by a pervert! It's not the same!" But they still had to go through an adjustment to who they were now as a couple and accept it. He was totally supportive. Don't get me wrong. He wasn't like upset or anything. He was torn up for her. But what he expected in the relationship was now different. Instead of being the one who would kind of have to teach her sexual things, he now had to be the one who was very sensitive to her in bed. He went from being with someone with a clean slate, to being with someone with trauma. So he had to completely turn his ideas upside down and figure out what he needed to do for her comfort. They are still together and are a great couple. I'm amazed by them. I think that happening to them so early on made them stronger as a couple.
But the point is that sometimes we get completely blindsided by what's in our partners past. All we can do is mourn the change to the relationship and then hopefully have the strength to comfort our partner if they need it.
And in some way you have someone with trauma on your hands. Any sexual experience that is not completely of our choosing can leave scars. Even small ones. He may not think it does but sometimes when we age we have to deal with them. So you might have to figure out what your role is now too. Cause you now have a man who had a very sleazy sexual encounter thrust on him by a man who he was supposed to trust to protect him. He was put in a situation where he probably felt a lot of guilt, shame, fear, and embarrassment and his own father put him there to feel that. That's something that leaves a scar.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): Father took him to a hooker at 18? And this is the family you want to marry into?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 OK babes, understood.. try to imagine yourself in his situation.. how he must have felt and how he got trapped into doing such things.
At the moment you are imagining the woman or imagining him having fun.. switch it arround, he's a young guy, his dad is involved, what chance did he have..
Pity and compassion might help you get your head arround this thing.. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers, just to clear up a few things his parents weren't together at the time- and i know my bf would always be faithful as he has been hurt by infidelity himself and has very strong values on this.
Blue Sahara- thanks for replying it really helps to hear from someone who has been through something similar, and my bf is the same, hes the most caring guy i have ever met and i guess thats why it just shocks me so much, its so out of character for him. But i know, he was only 18 and i know how much he looks up to his father (he has no relationship with his mother) and would have been influenced by this. Im currently avoiding his father because i cant understand how he could have done this (i know it might sound childish, but i need to work on our relationship first).
And i should stress, my bf is doing anything he can to help us get through this, and i know it kills him everytime he sees me cry.
And to Miamine- no i dont want to punish him and i dont want to leave him, i am doing everything i can to work this out, we both are, but it is hard for me. And my bf understands that because he has said if it were him in my situation he would react the same way- despite his past actions (or maybe because of) he has a strong belief in being in love before sex. If i wanted to punish him i would have just left. I dont blame him for it or hold it against him, i really want to get over this but i cant just ignore it and move on, it does hurt me and i need time to acknowledge and work through that.
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reader, yowie +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I'm more concerned that the father thought it was okay, "and they all used prostitutes" - so the father did too?! If the parents are still together it doesn't say much for the way the father has taught his sons about fidelity and trust in a relationship. I'd personally be worried about that.
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reader, Blue Sahara +, writes (24 June 2010):
Oh yeah, this happened to me but like triple! The man I am with now is unbelievable. He is seriously the best guy I have ever met. And he is like the most kind lover ever. But when we was younger he slept with a girl when she was drunk (I think he might have been a little drunk too but not sure), his father paid for him to go to a prostitute several times cause he thought that he needed to learn more about sex, and he even had a casual sexual relationship with a girl where they just called each other to hook up.
My circumstance is a little different cause he told me this at the beginning but the more I know about him the more I am blown away that was in his past! But I have found out more things like he was involved in gang like activity when he was younger. Each time I find out something new it almost makes me go "Who are you?!" But I know he doesn't tell everything at once cause he doesn't want me to run screaming for the hills!
You have to take the man as an individual. Yeah some guys that go to prostitutes are nasty, dirty men. But some are just really lonely guys. Some people who steal are terrible people. But some are doing it to feed a family. If we go around judging the person by the activity, not the heart we see in them, we are making a mistake.
One of the things you have to realize is that your boyfriend was raised by a man who took him to a prostitute when he was 18! You don't think that has affected him at all? You don't think his father has probably done some other really messed up things to him in his life? Just like our mothers have power over us, men want to please their fathers. There was no way your boyfriend was thinking that he would have a great girl one day and therefore he should run screaming. He had a probably overbearing father standing over him, telling him this is what men do, and that's what he has to do to be a man. I have no doubt he was probably shaking in his boots when his dad brought him there.
If you just read my description of my boyfriend he sounds like a total creep. But he is so far from it. He is the textbook hopeless romantic who would so be the kind of guy who could fall madly in love with a prostitute and love her for her. Not in some weird way. But just cause he is so open as a person that he could love anyone. He is nothing but sweetness. Not just to me but to all women. But at one time in his life, he was a scared little boy who had a lot of sexual failures and a lot of sexual fears and was trying so hard to figure it all out. And all those experiences didn't turn him into some sleazy guy who just wants sex. When I met him he was so disillusioned about sex. It wasn't something beautiful like he wanted. It was mostly filled with awkwardness, guilt, and failure and he hated that. If I just went off those stories alone, I would have missed the man with the biggest heart I know.
Because of how messed up his love life was, our love life is so special to him now. I can tell that when I let him hold me or I shower him with kisses, he feels like the luckiest man alive. And I know those frustrating experiences when he was younger play a huge part in that.
A lot of us have pasts but it's how we act later that matters.
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reader, Kama  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 My wife had oral sex with a complete stranger during a time when she was taking drugs from this stranger's friend, and I can't look at her the same since I found out about this. Be glad that you know so early; I had to almost beg her for the truth, and I'm still glad I know because these things are a part of who our respective others are. But it is not all of who they are, only a small part. I'm currently struggling to accept my wife's past, and that one scene in particular which I have described. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I love her, but I recognize that I may not be able to get over it. From one person to another who is experiencing something like this; we are not alone, for those of us whose hearts are cut up because our loved ones could be so cheap and mislead (my wife was also quite mislead by these 'friends' though she was much older than your bf, and not related to them) we are a rare breed - there is nothing wrong with being hurt because of your lover's past. Only we (you) can decide what to do with it, but one thing I do believe for us collectively is that it doesn't help to just 'pretend it's not there.' My deepest sympathies go out to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): Ask him for a complete AIDS/STD check.After all he slept with a prostitute who would have slept with n other men.
If you think you cannot forgive him do not stay with him and hurt him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): I'm in your age range and I admit it would be a big problem for me too if I found that out about a b/f. Me I don't know if I could get over it as he experienced that seedy lifestyle and could easily go back there. Also it be a big turn off to know he done it! But if you trust him and feel you can get over it then don't let the relationship go however your young so don't need to feel tied down to anyone. Your choice.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (24 June 2010):
Your future will last 20,30,40 years... but you are angry at one thing he done, well before you knew him... You are not ready to commit to this person, if your love is so easily damaged and you can think less of the man because of the boy he once was.
He was taken by his father, what choice did he have?.. and for this you want to punish or leave him.. Nope, this relationship has no future that I can see.
Search for "retroactive jealousy" on the Dear Cupid website.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 June 2010):
Everyone has a skeleton in the closet somewhere. That's why there are questions that are better left unasked, and things you're better off not knowing. This is not his problem, and he owe's you no explanation at all. This was before your time, and probably turned him into the man he is now. He can't take back time and change what happened. So this is either something you have to accept, or you need to move on.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 He can't change who he slept with. Either you take him, or dump him. To say otherwise would be to deceive you.
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