A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes: I was at my brothers house and met his wife's neice. She is 10 years younger than I am and was engaged to be married in 3 months. She has a daughter with her fiancee and they live together and have been together for about 7 years. The thing is, I think she is fantastic!! It isnt that she is beautiful or anything. Actually she isnt all that pretty at all. But we really connected. We both feel we are kind of the 'black sheep' of our family. Me because I have never gotten married and had kids, her because she had one out of wedlock. We talked for a long time and went for a long walk together. I tried to kiss her a few times and she kept turning her head, but finally she let me kiss her and it was amazing! While she didnt tell me what the issues were, she indicated that she didnt really want to get married and was doing it more for her daughter and because she was trying to do the right thing. My brother picked up a little bit on what was happening. He told me to back off, that she wasnt for me and the family was happy she had finally concented to marry the father of her child and that I better not mess it up. I left after that weekend and my heart just ached, I missed her so much! I fell in love! I told my friend, who is married. She is my dear friend, but she also has romantic feelings for me which I dont really return, so I dont really take what she has to say seriously because I think she is biased. She didnt approve. She said the girl is engaged and I should have backed off the moment I was told that, that I should not have pursued her, talking to her, falling for her. But I dont agree! She is engaged, not married! So she is still free game! Well, we stayed in email contact and talked almost daily and 3 weeks later I convinced her to go away for the weekend with me! I was so excited I could hardly believe it! I lied to my friend and told her I had broken off with my love interest and went to see her. We spent 2 glorious days together, sailing, swimming and laying naked together all night long. I had hoped she would have sex with me, but she didn't. I told her I loved her and she should leave her fiancee for me. I told her I would make a better father for her daughter. She said she wished she had met me earlier, but now it was too late. She needed to marry the father of her child whom she had a home with and a life with. I told her she didnt have to do it! I had something so much better to offer her! I left this second weekend with her again aching with love and missing her. I spent the next 2 1/2 months in constant contact with her by email and phone (she lives 5 hours away from me) and trying to convince her not to marry this guy. When she went ahead and married him I was broken hearted, but accepted it. Durring this 2 1/2 month period my friend found out about all this and really went ballistic on me. She basically painted me as a selfish, arrogant pig who was trying to be a homewrecker. I disagree! She hadnt said 'I do' yet! She was still free to check out other interests and see if there was something there between she and I worth developing. My friend says that since they had a house together and a child together, the technicality of not having said 'I do' was bogus, they were as good as married and I was a homewrecker. She called my love interest a lying, cheating slut for having a relationship with me while she was engaged. I think she is being horribly unfair! I think she was just jealous and didnt understand how magical my love for this girl was. I think as long as they werent actually married what we did together wasnt wrong in the least. Who is right?
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engaged, fell in love, fiance, jealous, period Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Neboraic  +, writes (27 February 2008):
I think if someone is in a relationship, they aren't fair game (although your free to bait them). I see being married and engaged as close enough to the same thing. There is an exception to this and that is when they are unhappy, you cant go for them fully but you can give them a small taste of happiness and allow them to decide on their own 9with a buit of nudging from you) that they should leave their husband/wife. When there is a child involved, they should be taken into consideration (as well as how happy you will make their mummy an arguement for going for it).I cant say i have much sympathy for the husband of an unhappy wife.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (27 February 2008):
 In Answer to Frank Kermit who said "She says she does not want to get married, so why is she engaged? Why doesn't she break it off? Do you really think that she is serious? Maybe she told you that just to get your attention, the same way a married man will tell his mistress he plans to leave his wife, so he can get sex." - She already TOLD us she was getting married for her daughter's sake, so she could 'do the right thing'. Okay, certainly not the best reason to get married I know, but gettting engaged is just the next step before marriage. She seems to me like she's doing it for everyone else but her and was just going through the motions.
"If you were one of my clients, I would suggest that you pursue her, because it is better that you get her before she gets married, than afterwards." - Hellooooooo? She DID get married Frank! lol
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, Jhatch65 +, writes (26 February 2008):
Wow, that's quite a story. First I have to say that I feel for you. Finding special people in the world is rare but I feel (and I think at some level that you do too) that what you did was wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be bothering with asking the question.
It sounds like she had plans to marry before you and it would be a good thing for her daughter as well as her. Even her family agreed. What you did was selfish, I'm afraid, and I think you have feelings that are probably more about lust than love.
Let her be so she can make an effort to have a good marriage and find someone who isn't already attached. It will be better for everyone involved.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 HI,
It sounds like one hell of a challenge for you buddy, you are over 40 and never married? Hmmm... my guess is that if she succumbs to your charms you might just start to go a little cold on her as the big challenge is over. And that's what this is , forbidden fruit, she is taken and she is family so that makes it even more challenging.
sorry dude, I may have you wrong, but you sound like a player to me buddy with an massive ego to boot.
You said you loved her only after meeting her a few times? This sounds so shallow to me.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Hi
Not being horrible here, but i think you have a very large ego! You have tried piling on a lot of pressure in a few ways in that post you wrote.
Is it right shes fair game if she wasnt yet married?
Wrong.
Thats just my opinion.
I think you're a lose cannon personally.
Who in their right mind would tell someone they only just met that they can be a better father to somoene elses child than its natural parent? And the one shes planning to marry too!
My concience wouldnt let me do anything like that. But there ya go. We're all different.
I dont happen to think she's done the right thing marrying the guy, just because of the child, but i also dont think she's at a stage in her life where she should marry you either.
And you thought possilbly that before she was married she was still 'fair game'. I assume you still think that she is if you have asked this question on here?
I think the things all the people in your life have said to you are spot on. You just cant see it because you are in the thick of it so to speak.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 They were unofficially and technically married as husband and wife with a house and child and it was just the formality of holding a wedding to solemnized it.
Your friend is right. In your love for her, you could not see the truth. The definition of marriage differs in your interpretations.
You were right in saying that as long as she is unmarried , she is fair game.Even if a girl is engaged, she is still fair game until the last day , she officially become a wife.
Being engaged is not the same as being married. To be engaged means you promise to marry
Engagements can be broken and it is not the same as in divorce. But you will have to be prepared to be sued for breaking your promise.
Technically, both of you are not wrong in your interpretations.
From my perspective, she enjoyed your friendship but it was too late and your love was not strong enough to tip her scale.
You did your best but your best was not enough . Tough luck. Hope you find a better and unattached girl next time.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 This is a very slippery slope.
Being in alternative relationships communities, it counts as "right" or "wrong" pending the intent.
If a couple is in an open relationship of sorts, and there is an expectation of being sexual with others (including kissing), then there is no intent to cheat, and thus not cheating.
If however her fiance expects her to be faithful and she knows it, then it is wrong for the two of you to kiss.
The KEY for me in this story is that you are not clear to me if you only want her becuase she is unattainable, or if you really want her.
She says she does not want to get married, so why is she engaged? Why doesn't she break it off? Do you really think that she is serious? Maybe she told you that just to get your attention, the same way a married man will tell his mistress he plans to leave his wife, so he can get sex.
Also, maybe she really DOESN't want to get married, but is trying to get you to pursue her, so that she can BLAME YOU for the break up of her engagement, instead of taking responsibility for herself.
If you were one of my clients, I would suggest that you pursue her, becuase it is better that you get her before she gets married, than afterwards. HOWEVER, you WILL lose your family relationships, you WILL be blamed for the engagement breakup even if the two of you don't work it out, and you WILL have to face the fact that you will never be able to fully trust her.
Even Ann Landers dumped her finace to marry someone else. Does not make it OK, but it is better to do that, than for her to marry and for you to break up a marriage later on.
Is the fiance the child's father? How serious are you about her? Serious enough to marry? That is what it is going to take. You might be in "lust" with each other, and not "in love".
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): I agree with all the Aunts on this page, hun. Being engaged is a pre-requisite to marriage and it is a binding commitment ..a promise to be honorable and faithful to one person. So stop trying to justify yours and her behaviors. You and this other female both were very, very wrong to have done this. This lack of maturity and self-control here, is apparent in how you both conducted your lives. If your love interest possessed the maturity and committment towards her fiancee, she would've stopped you dead in your tracks. Instead she took the easier way, only to appease her ego, and found a way, to make herself feel better about herself. rather than use some integrity and tell you, she was off limits. This was all about her. I think in effect, she got all dreamy about you and her real-life perceptions of marriage and her committment got blurred and skewed.. But in the end, she married the guy and is not with you. What does that tell you? She enjoyed the newness the fantasy, the dreaminess but in the end...you were simply a diversion /'stop-over' in her life. No matter how you spin it, what you and this female did was self-serving, wrong and it didn't make you both sit up and take note of that, did it. She took a huge risk, and she could've lost everything. I think what happened is she came to her senses and realized what she felt for you was pure fantasy.
Sometimes it's normal for people who are the cusp of marriage, to struggle with the overwhelming thoughts of commitment, marriage and what it entails. But she chose to ignore her committment to her fiancee in order to 'feel good' with you. That's all it was to her...an attempt at a last fling. And it didn't work out. Why? Because you grew to care for her deeply and you put expectations on her, that she couldn't fulfill. In a nutshell...she loves her husband more than you..so you now have to move on.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Well your love doesn't sound all that "magical" to me, I mean she DID go ahead and marry someone else didn't she. And tell your friend to mind her own business, besides it's all water under the bridge anyway. Time to move on and see if you can capture the magic with someone who really is interested. And please try to find someone who isn't already in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (26 February 2008):
By agreeing to go away with you for the weekend, this girl was leading you on but she had already made the decision to marry the father of her child and she told you that, you just wouldn't let it drop and hoped that you could change her mind. Your friend may have her eye on you herself but what you did was wrong, you should not have interfered when she'd already made plans to marry. All you did was screw her up but at no time did she ever say "Okay, I'll leave him for you." Why? Because she knew regardless, she was STILL going to go ahead with it and marry him, which of course she did.
Now that she IS married you should back off big time or you're going to end up causing more problems, both for her and yourself and even lose your own friends and family into the bargain. What does it take for you to get into your head there's no future in it? Blood???? BACK OFF AND MOVE ON, find someone else who is available!
Eve
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