A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My partner left me after 18 years together. Three weeks later I found out that she was with someone else. She wasnt upset in anyway and ended it with a twn minute coversation in a supermarket coffee shop with her friend sat next to her. It really hurt me because I never cheated on her and didnt expect her to treat me in such a cruel way. I still have bitter thorghts about what and how she ended it and sometimes think that she will find out that the grass is not greener. Is this cruel to have these thorhts and how long should I give myself to recover? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 This is really sad. I mean terribly sad. 18 years and it ends with her and her friend staring you down. And you find out that she's been with someone else to boot.
Its actually downright cruel. I guess she was dishonest about the other lover.
The only thing you can do really is simply recover from it and move on with your life. Sometimes people do things in life that hurt us deeply and this is one of those times.
If she finds out that the grass isn't greener, I think its her problem and should not come home to roost in your lap again. I wouldn't even give her a second thought much less any future chance.
She's made it clear that if she can be this cold to you, there's no love there. Its actually enmity as in she loathes you.
The best thing you can do is go through the usual grieving process, take care of yourself and try and move on with your life.
My best advice to you, is if there's any love left on your part towards her, I would simply stop loving her. Plain and simple. Its wasted love.
I don't see a marriage there, so in the very least, you were spared a painful divorce.
The grieving process can take a while or it can be brief. It all depends on what you see in your future and how you intend to embrace hope for a better future.
Personally, the way she ended it, and given the fact that there's someone else, I would take the quickest route possible to moving on and embrace a new future NOW.
It might take a month or two, but at some point you're going to realize that every minute you spend thinking about her is a minute wasted out of your precious life.
She deserves no mercy, but she deserves none of your time either. I wouldn't even expend any energy on her, as she's not worth that either.
If she calls you for any reason, ignore you. If she emails you, delete it without reading it. If she shows up at your door, slam it in her face. That's all. She's nothing to you now.
In sum, its best to simply try and forget about her as if the person you loved some time ago, no longer exists. What you've seen is a different person who's a total stranger to you and has treated you with no love or respect at all.
A
female
reader, MrsP +, writes (27 September 2009):
18 years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone and I expect that because of the way it ended you are left feeling totally confused and have many unanswered questions. You are completely entitled to feel the way you do and have the thoughts you have been having because you were not given an explanation as to why she left and you do not have closure. You cannot give yourself a time limit to recover from the shock of the loss you are feeling, you can only take it one day at a time and try your best to go about your daily life. Everyone heals at their own pace, and you will too. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): I second what MissKin said... don't do ANYTHING you'll regret and there is NO time limit... my story is similar to yours, but it only took her 7 years to stray.
I was married to my college GF for 9 years. She started cheating in year 7, first with her manicurist (a woman), then with a couple, and finally with a guy that she met at work. Given the time frame, some of these were overlapping, and the woman didn't know about the guy (the couple could have cared less...). She'd admitted to the affair with the woman, and still being in love with her I wanted to work things out.
About 4 weeks later, I came home from work one day and all her stuff was moved out of the house, and she was no where to be found. I was devistated, and after a few days she called to tell me she'd gotten her own place (a lie, her the the BF had gotten one). She served me with divorce papers a week later.
I hired an attorney to protect my assests, and started digging though out financials. I found about twice as much debt as she'd been telling me about, and multiple credit cards in her name that I didn't know about (and certainly had NEVER used). I also found forged loan papers at my bank.
I took the high road and paid slightly over 50% of each of the accounts that I was party to, paid 6 months of her car insurance and let her pay the stuff that she'd done on her own - including the forged loan.
I paid my legal bills and 18 months later we were divorced. We had no kids, no property except our primay home, and only our 2 cars. She had a complet and total melt down during the divorce and I had to spend extra money to finally dipose her so that I could end all the bizzare lying that she was doing.
Today I know that I did the right thing, she got what was fair. 50% of the increased equity in the house, and (sadly 50% of the amount of my 401K had increased during marriage). What she didn't get was any of my assets prior to marriage or any part of the company that I inherited from my mother. Years later, she remains a mess and the BF it turns out was a looser (they're still married) he's 67 years old (I'm 48) and hopes to get his college degree this year per his LinkedIn page.
Life got alot better for me (and it will for you), at 40 I met a professional woman, who'd never been married, no kids, (no ex husband!), college educated, good job, fun, pretty, (size 2 then, 4 now... ex was a 12 at the divorce, appears to have doubled in size based on photos). We have a paid off home, and zero debt... with the ex I couldn't ever get ahead of her spending...
Now, as for timing... it took a while... I wasn't really ready to date for at least a year or two, but I was lonely and started dating eariler. It wasn't ideal, and frankly the women I was meeting were not what I wanted... some where very nice, but I too was still damaged and it took me getting out there, feeling awkward and getting through the pain to come out and be ready when I met my now wife. I'd been "dating" (really attempting to date) for about 6 months and had nearly given up- so I went on a blind date with zero expecations... she was in the same boat and we hit it off!
While it's crappy to go through, please do the right thing and in a fwe years you'll be able to look back and smile! Today I'm grateful, but had someone told me I would be I probably wouldn't have been able to see it at the time... you'll have to trust that it will happen!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 September 2009):
No, your thoughts are natural and you ahve nothing to feel guilty about. You need to give yourself as much time as you need to heal. If it takes 6 months, it takes 6 months. If it takes a year, it takes a year. Give yourself as much time as you need. The best thing to do is make sure you don't shut yourself away from the world. Go out and make sure you keep busy (Gym, learn a language or soemthing) and that you're around other people. In time, you'l lstart to heal yourself. Just don't sit by the phone waiting for her. Keep busy. Lots of luck friend/.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (27 September 2009):
 Your thoughts are called for. You have the right to think and feel however you want, as long as you don't take any actions that you will regret. She has left you with little to no explanation and nothing you can see that would have called for it right? You need to start healing. Let go of the angry feelings as soon as you can and take as long as you NEED to recover. There is no real time-limit. You were together for a long time so recover at your own pace. Babysteps in the right direction are better than no steps at all. x
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