A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I are sexually active. After having sex for a bit, she will ask me if I am about done. After she asks me this question, I just stop, or other times she will say it's hurting her. We use a lot of lube. Is this normal for women? Is she just interested in having sex?To give you some background, we only have sex once or twice a week. She has told me she has had bigger then me. And, I always make sure she gets off unless she is on top. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): It sounds like you she doesn't emotionally connect during sex...I have had partners like this. The sex was great, but they weren't much of a boyfriend or companion.
It sounds like you are so worried about pleasing her, you never stop to think about what you want. If you are always willing to have sex with her, always willing to indulge every whim of hers, then what may be happening is that you are just falling into a routine. The fact that you never demand anything for yourself maybe contributing to this pattern.
Talk to her about it, tell her you want more foreplay. Tell her you want to try new stuff. And perhaps instead of always accomodating her, why not be a tease or a tiger? If you play a bit hard to get, you force her to come on to you. She may have to change tactics.
Or if you go the way of the tiger, just surprise her one day and jump her in a context where she doesn't expect it. The sexual dynamic just sounds very one sided.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (23 January 2011):
 :) so she is saying to you the same thing as you used to say to her?
when she has had her orgasm she may feel too sensitive to carry on, and further stimulation just feels irritating for her. will she finish you off with a hand or blow job when this happens? i am sure you can read up on different tricks and techniques to improve your own performance if you think that may help matters. i hope you can talk about these matters with her, if you are intimate enough to have sex, you should be intimate enough to be able to talk about it
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirst, the sex usually last about 25 to 30 minutes. she always wants to be on top. sometimes we do other position. I am always willing to do oral she say she just don't like it. i always offer. no I don't know if I am doing it right all woman are different and want to be licked different ways I've tired to learn what she likes but she not willing to even let me try. she wants to go straight into sex I am the one that want to do alittle foreplay before. she told me her exs just wanted to straight in sex. I always ask her what she likes. and its the way she ask if I done yet. she hated when I used to ask if she was getting close she told me she would lose it when I asked. so I stopped asking. I always ask what she likes but like most woman she thinks I should just know. as for the doctor I've asked her to go see her doctor and see if there is something wrong she said she would feel weird. I do understand that, and for when she gets off she squirts. and as soon as that's happens she say its starting to hurt or she say are you about done.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (23 January 2011):
hi
you don't say how long you carry on for, but obviously to her it is TOO long. some women are not able to orgasm from intercourse, or they can sometimes but not other times so it is of no benefit to her that you can go for ages. plus the same sort of stimulation can get boring after a while because we can get de-sensitised to it. try switching, position, vary the speed, vary the deepness next time she seems to be switching off, maybe try using your hands on her clit for a bit, then resume intercourse again.
or maybe she just doesn't enjoy sex, or enjoy it with you. what is the rest of the relationship like? if there are problems between the two of you, these can affect the way she feels about sex with you
xx
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A
female
reader, The_truth_hurts_OK +, writes (23 January 2011):
It sounds like you're just not doing it for her. Believe me - if she was into it, it wouldn't matter if it hurt - in fact it might turn her on more. When I was younger (and less considerate) if I wasn't getting anything out of the sex I would say stuff like "Are you done" or "It's hurting". But if I was totally getting off, it wouldn't have mattered how big he was, I would have said more more more!
Sorry, but she just doesn't enjoy having sex with you :(
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male
reader, mscard +, writes (23 January 2011):
I don't feel like you've given us enough information to answer your question adequately. How long is "a bit"? Does she enjoy sex ever? Does sex hurt her all the time, or just after a long session? I guess the part I'm confused about is that you say you "always make sure she gets off" while at the same time saying she might be uninterested in sex. Your first paragraph makes it sound like she's bored and uninterested, but that doesn't make much sense if she's having orgasms. What I can say for certain is that sex can be painful for a number of reasons under a number of circumstances. If it hurts her all the time, she probably has a sexual disorder (or you're doing something very wrong, which I doubt because sex isn't that complicated...). If it only hurts after a fair amount of sex, she's probably just getting sore down below due to irritation and over-stimulation, and that's normal. You can only have so much sex before it's not enjoyable anymore.It sounds like she hardly ever enjoys sex, though, so I'm not sure. My advice would be to talk to her about it, and have an honest and open conversation, as uncomfortable as that might be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): Were you a virgin before you had sex with her? I can't really tell if you have a problem or not.
It's actually a great thing that you at least communicate during sex, alot of people don't.
If I had to take a guess, I would guess that you are insecure sexually and you may read into more of what she says than she actually means. If a woman asks "are you done?" it may mean she is just checking up on you, not neccesarily that she wants you to hurry up and get it over with. Do you ever ask her the same question?
If you make it a point to make sure she comes first, then the worst case scenario is that she enjoys it, but just doesn't have it in her to come more than once. That's not uncommon and it doesn't mean the women is just tolerating sex.
Perhaps don't make her orgasm a "task." You may have a tendency of being too proactive in sex and stealing the show.
Since you both already talk about sex, perhaps ask her directly what she likes. Or perhaps take a more passive role at some point and let her take the lead. If you give her the opportunity and you are willing to watch and observe, she might show you what she likes.
What you are going through doesn't sound like a major issue, just sounds like you need to spice things up. You can learn alot by talking or observing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): While I could suggest lots of things You could do to make it more enjoyable for her (very admirable sentiments on your part) what about her?
Turn the question around. What else could she do to increase your enjoyment?
She could quit complaining so much.
She could stop saying such a passion killer, similar to a child bored on a long
Eg 'are we there yet?' which is very similar to what she says to you.
It is all very well for you to be so generous and giving. But she's a complete sad sap from reading your post.
Does she have the thought that, she turns up and allows her presence to be available, so she thinks she does not have to contribute more than that?
Why should great effort be put into making it such a great experience for her? If she is unwilling to contribute half way? Good lovemaking requires two people to contribute. Not one doing all the work and putting in all the effort to make it memorable. That's not fair.
road trip, '
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): She's not exactly enthusiastic is she? Surely she does not have to bring things to a close so unromantically?The frequency for her age group is not very high. Is she resistant to bj too? And is she staid and boring about mixing things up? I would hope she initiates sex half the time too. And you the rest. Is she resistant to spontaneous sex, eg up against the kitchen sink. Eg.On the floor in front of the sofa. Does she initiate sex talk or is she mostly mute?In other words is she boring in bed or exciting.Ask yourself all these questions to determine her level of commitment to youAt her age she should not even need lube. That's a bit of affectation on her part.Sadly for you I don't think she likes sex much. How often does she initiate sex where she insists you do nothing and she entirely pleasures you?Does she have any medical issues that could be causing her pelvic pain or vaginal pain. Insist on taking her to the doctor to resolve that. If the Dr says yes then give her every bit of support with the treatment. Join in by consulting the Dr on any alternate positions that would make her more comfortable.If Dr says No. That there are no medical physical issues stopping her, then know it is psychological issues. Or she just does not like sex with you?.Some women who say they don't like sex get themselves worked up, with all manner of reasons why they 'can't'. It's just putting off what they don't like with the one they are with, BUT do like with someone else.Lube is mostly only ever needed by post menpausal women (and even many of them don't need lube either, to enjoy sex).Lube is to replace natural lubrication which should be excellent in the 20s. So she may be faking her discomfort.If sex is very important to you, and if her reactions show no change, then you may have to consider a new girl friend?
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female
reader, FancyaMrDarcy +, writes (23 January 2011):
I really think your girlfriend is being awful to you treating you like that.. maybe she's not enjoying what ye get up to but she should be more considerate of your feelings as well. next time this happens i'd ask her whats up? is the relationship ok bar this? presumably there's lots of foreplay involved..if not...that may be the reason why shes not enjoying it as much as you or even for it hurting.
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (23 January 2011):
 I think your relationship may be too focused on sex, and no I am not taking into consideration that it is once or twice a week so what the hell am I talking about...
Instead of putting the focus on your sex, put the focus on your relationship. Talk to her, get to know her, talk about what is bothering her, what her interests are and get involved in her life...if she will let you.
Sex follows a deep connection, if the connection isn't there it doesn't matter how much lube you use or how big you are or how often you do it or that you always get her off. Remember, a lot of women fake orgasms and they are quite good at it.
Talk to her, stop having sex for awhile, see where her interests in you and your relationship lie.
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male
reader, CJH +, writes (23 January 2011):
 There could any number of reasons she`s finding sex uncomfortable, the best person to speak to would be her doctor.
In the mean time, you need to appreciate the fact that the kind of pain she is experiencing isnt pleasant for her and probably completely destroys it for her.
Resist temptation to blame or question yourself for this - its not about you, its about her. Things probably wont change until shes spoken to her doctor so be patient.
Remember, shes the girl you love and that whilst sex is important, her well being is more important. There will be plenty of time for great sex once shes resolved this issue - whatever it may be.
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