A
female
age
36-40,
*ltindie
writes:Hi, I'm Altindie and for obvious reasons, I'd like some relationship advice.I met my current boyfriend over the internet. We chatted simply as friends, every day for about two years before we decided to take the plunge into boyfriend/girlfriend territory. He recently got the chance to come visit me in Australia (he lives in Europe) and study for half the year.He has told me on many occasions how much he loves me, that he's absolutely determined that I'm the one and he wants to marry me. He's 21 and I'm 19, so he's in no hurry to get married because we're both so young, but the problem is I'm not sure I can picture myself marrying this man and I'm not even sure I really love him.Over the internet my emotions were much more intense, and the pain of separation made me miss him so much it made me lovesick at times.But then I met him in real life, and even though I wasn't surprised at all by what he was like because I had known that for years, my emotions were quite different. But then again, there are times when I'm with him and I just want to hold him because the adoration in my heart will burst if I don't tell him I love him. But then I wonder if I REALLY love him.All I feel when I'm with him is this overwhelming comfort, like I'm content with myself overall as a person. I don't feel like my feelings are strong enough to be love. It's more like a brother/sister relationship of filial love at best. Before we became a couple we used to call each other little sister/big brother. We're very good friends - but not quite best friends. But I KNOW he loves me. I trust him with my life and everything he tells me I know is true.I'm afraid that before he leaves to go home in six months time, that he'll pop "the question" and I'll have no other choice but to say no. I don't want to break his heart but I don't want to break up with him now he's here after two years apart. I want him to be happy but I don't want to sacrifice my happiness at the same time.Please help me, do I love him or not? x_x
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female
reader, Altindie +, writes (6 February 2007):
Altindie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everybody for responding... it really helped for me to clear my head and get my thoughts and feelings in order.
Melschatbox: Fantasy was a part of our relationship online but I never let it get out of control (sexual fantasy) because I was always afraid that if I went too far I wouldn't be able to take back what I did or said. If there's anything I didn't want to happen, I didn't want to lead him astray into believing something and then taking it back. It would crush his heart. But you're right - now he's here, we don't talk as much as we used to online and that is part of what made me doubt I really loved him.
AskEve: With the description of love you posted, I believe I have something similar but not quite the same. I feel completely comfortable being with him, I enjoy his company and miss him when he's away, and I could talk to him about anything EXCEPT whether I really love him or not! x_x I've never been in love so who am I to tell what love is, and I'm kind of regretting telling him what I can't even be sure of is true.
So I guess the question is now... how do I let him go without breaking his heart? Prior to him arriving in Australia we discussed that no matter how hard we try it may never work out: but I look at him now and realize he's thrown himself across the world for me and there's no way this is going to be easy - for me or him.
Should I stay with him the entire six months and cut it off after he leaves or cut it off now and make things uncomfortable?
A
female
reader, melschatbox  +, writes (5 February 2007):
 Sweetie,
Even though you have had somewhat of a relationship with this fellow for 2 years, it wasn't a face to face one. Yes, emotions over the internet FEEL stronger. The explanation for that I think is in your mind you can escalate the height of what you are feeling. Maybe, abscence really does make the heart grow fonder??? Fantasies, play a huge role in an online relationship. And, it is easier to communicate through well thought out typed words. Let's face it...I could have written this sentence several times before I hit the send button. I think that "the net" is a great stepping stone to the start of something real. However, when you finally meet, I believe it's like starting all over again....with a bit of an advantage. That's it.
So, to answer your question: Is it real love? I think only you will know that in more time. Love, does start with friendship and can grow into something quite romantic. The feelings of love that separate them from feelings of friendship are: feelings of attraction, tingliness with his touch, desire, longing to be with him, etc. (that's just a rough sketch)
Just don't pressure yourself to much to know the answer. You'll know.........when you know.
;)
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (5 February 2007):
 Hi Altindie,
That's a good question, do you love him or not? As you know, talking over the internet is very different from talking face to face. We can conjure up a completely different picture of what we think they'll be like in reality, both in looks and in personality. You're not sure if you love him or not right? I'm going to give you my definition of how you can tell if it's REALLY love or infatuation.
If you truly love someone then you respect them for who they are, warts and all. You want to look after them and protect them, you look out for them and put them first. You feel happy and content in their company and enjoy being together. Above all you can be yourself when you're with them. You never try to be anything more or someone different because you don't need to. You don't have to impress them to win them over and you never have to play games to make them like you. There is trust and understanding on both sides and you feel safe and secure within yourself. You would never undermine them, they are not someone in whose company you feel threatened or small. They are someone with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and worries, a person with whom you should be able to share anything, they are your friend and your confidante and you can be honest with them at all times, you can tell them anything because they love you as you are.
He may be someone who is the direct opposite of you. On the surface you may seem like chalk and cheese. Whilst you may be loud and forceful they may be quiet and thoughtful. You may come from different backgrounds, different countries or be twenty years apart but this doesn't matter. There is an unspoken language between you, the spiritual connection between you both is so deep that you seem to be able to communicate without even speaking to each other. You are happy to lie in silence together. You feel sometimes that there is no need to talk because you feel that you know what they are thinking anyway. You feel so close to them that sometimes you think you could almost read their mind. You know when they are worried, in pain, or sad just by looking at them. It is as though there exists some kind of telepathy between you.
Real love stands the test of time, you laugh together, cry together and even have your differences but this doesn't matter, you love that person AND their failings. You come together in a crisis and work through things together and this just brings you closer. You take their feelings into consideration in all that you do. They are the most important person in your life!
Is THIS how you feel? If it's not then you are "fond" of him but you're not in love with him and if that's the case I would certainly think twice about wanting to be married so young.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2007): hi
i know exactly how you feel, all that confusion going on inside your head! i decided to just see how things went and put all thoughts of long term out of my head.
just enjoy the time you have together and if you feel that your not ready to walk down the aisle, then tell him. if he loves you he will understand but just enjoy being together and stop thinking about what may or may not happen
hope this helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2007): You don't love him just because he said he loved you and your the one he wants to marry girl its just the interent its not real love unless you know this guy and know what he is about first and just take it slow and start out as just interent buddies for a while before you say you love him because you know as well I do you don't really love him until you get to meet him and get to know him first so take my advice on this its not love until you have meet him and been with him for a while hope this helps xxx christmas messsage me if it does bye good luck :)
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