A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm just wondering if I'm too trusting or maybe too innocent.I've only been involved in a relationships, on two separate occasions, each time with the same person. In each case she cheated on me with an ex boyfriend. In fact it turns out that she's never been faithful to anyone that she's been involved with.I'm getting over it, but then a friend of mine shocked me yesterday. She's engaged to a man that she met last year and they moved into a new home together in April. For the last few months she's been pretty unhappy in her relationship and pulled out of the wedding, but they're still together. Yesterday she told me that she's been seeing one of her exes behind her fiance's back since January!So am I being an idealist? Am I expecting too much that people should be faithful in a relationship?All I want to do is to find someone that I can settle down with, but I don't want to be hurt again. I think I'm just shocked to find out how casually other people treat the feelings of someone they supposed to care about.
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cheated on me, engaged, fiance, her ex, moved in, my ex, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): Not everyone cheats, men or women, but you can think that is the way it is if you hang out with the wrong people or let what you read get to your head.
When it comes to formal cheating, neither sex has a lock on the activity.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (31 August 2011):
 Women and men both cheat. Infidelity does not discriminate.
You have just seen some bad relationship examples.
Yes, you can find a faithful, monagamous woman:) They DO exist and are happy that men like YOU exist!
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A
female
reader, auntyR +, writes (31 August 2011):
not all women are cheaters. You can't tarnish every woman with that brush. Yes it does hurt like hell when you learn that someone you have been with has been unfaithful, but you have to put it behind you and move on.
Some men are just as bad when it comes to cheating, but it does not stop me from dating and i don't believe that all men are cheaters.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): It's not so much about my ex. First time around I was devastated when she ended things. When we tried again, I was a lot more cautious and far less trusting.
If anything being with her a second time answered the questions that I had about our first break up and helped me to move on. I now know that she's a screwed up person and will never settle with anyone and I can deal with that now.
I think it was my friend who really shocked me. She seems to have no problem borrowing money from her parents to put the deposit on a house. At the same time she's cheating on the man she's moving in with. My ex had done the same thing with one of her previous partners.
It just got me wondering if what I'm after in life is possible. Neither of these women seem to have any issues with treating people like this. I know I'm generalising, but the two situations are so similar. Thanks for the answers, I think I was just having a rant after a bad day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): Some women cheat, as do some men. It happens, but it is not the norm. You have been unlucky. Try and be hopeful and not see life in a negative way. Sometimes you just have to get out there and live life with enthusiasm and trust, knocks will come but you cannot live fearing that you are going to let you down.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (31 August 2011):
 What you have experienced with your ex, and the situation with your friend, are two entirely different scenarios and should not be treated the same.
With your ex, you have been unfortunate enough to go out with a serial cheater - you said yourself she has never been faithful. That indicates some serious personal issues on her part that she has never resolved - this does not mean that all women are like her, you have just sadly met a very messed up lady who cannot be faithful to men. Many women are faithful, just like many men are faithful too - just because some men cheat doesnt mean all men will, and vice versa.
As for your friend - she is a classic case of a poor communicator. Cheating often happens when a marriage or relationship is going wrong, and rather than communicating with their partner and facing their issues head on, they bury their problems under the carpet and seek reassurance in the arms of another. This is still very wrong, however you can see it is borne out of a very different situation to that with your ex.
We cannot tarnish everyone with the same brush just because you have had 1 bad experience and heard 1 bad story. If you read through all the problems here on Dear Cupid, you would have to write off humanity completely and say that we are all evil, unfaithful, abusive people! I know it is hard when you have had a bad experience and it is easier to generalise about the opposite sex than actually be brave and put yourself out there again. But if you allow yourself to be bitter over 1 girlfriend then you will struggle to meet anyone new because your bitterness will be obvious - you will actually end up in a cycle of attracting women with 'issues' because your bitterness & negativity will be clear and that will attract other negative people who also have problems.
It is fine to be hurt over this, she treated you badly and you will indeed learn some lessons from this. However you cannot generalise so broadly about all women, and dont fall into a negative cycle where you cant trust anyone and give up hope entirely. Try and stay upbeat, be positive and one day the right woman will come along.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 August 2011):
 Many many women are completely faithful.
When you meet a new woman observe her. How does she interact with her friends and others? Flighty woman who could not be faithful even to save themselves have sometimes seemed unhappy and bitchy to me. Always thinking they can do better next time. False woman who are all over you one minute as your "new best friend" and then prove later to be unreliable. Perhaps that is just the ones I have met.
But when you do meet a new woman take your time. Find out her philosophy on life. Her dreams and hopes and motivations. What are her values (does she have values you feel good about) and her attitudes.
You should always fear the weak woman. She will not stand by you in stormy weather. She wants the good times and the easy life.
Go for a stronger woman whose word means something. Who demonstrates a calm and strong mind. Who agrees to do something and does it, when she said she would.
The Character of a woman can help you predict the future.
Leopards do not change their spots
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (31 August 2011):
 Not all women cheat, but unfortunately some do. It is hard, but you will find the girl for you. Unfortunately a lot of people both men and women treat other people's feelings as though they are unimportant, which is not the case at all, but they do it because they are selfish and think of themselves. I have met some of those people in my life, and I have come to realise that they only make finding the one who is truly meant for you, who doesn't cheat and cares about how you feel as much as you care about how they feel, all the sweeter. You will find her, and find happiness, I believe that with all my heart. Good luck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 August 2011):
The problem was that you wound up with the wrong woman. Twice. Most women don't cheat. You've only had experience with one woman in terms of cheating. There are a lot of other women out there, and you'd do better to move on to one of them instead.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 August 2011):
 You've only been involved with one woman, correct? Nobody wants to get hurt so you aren't alone there Buddy. You really shouldn't be so jaded just yet. Keep looking, she's out there.
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