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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi.are all men after one thing?I'm a youg 27 odd year old and I'm too afraid to sleep with a guy for the simple fact that they are using me.My father brought me up to believe all men were after one thing. from learning this I don't plan on letting guy just sleep with me and then dump me.People tell me not all guys are like that. but i'm not sure, who do i know who to trust i've seen quiet a few people being used and i will not allow thi too happen to me.I've previously been in other relationships, most guys when I tell them this, or tell them i'm celebate they just leave, i had a long term relationship where my b/f couldn't cope with my insecurities and didn't feel he could "connect"I don't want to end up cinicle.Are all men users, how can i tell the good guys apart.ThanX Reply to this Question
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female
reader, layla +, writes (25 August 2006):
 i think that your dad just said this so that you dont turn out to be the type of person who would let men in easily.
i think that your dad is wrong, there are men that will notice your personality that stands out. However some men do just want sex. good luck and i think that if you want to tell them apart then they wouldnt make passes at you and make you laugh. the thing that makes a relationship works is by talking. xx let me know what happens xx
A
male
reader, guardian87  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 It sounds like you have met some decent guys out there with the whole long term relationship bf u had/have. The trouble is just finding a guy out there who respects your insecurities (which some wont and some will).
About your dad, i think the only reason he had said those things was to protect you from being hurt. After all, that is what a lot of parents do (especially mine, who are really really really overprotective :P). There are a lot of guys who would dump u as soon as they got sex, but there are also a lot of guys who arent so into that stuff and are focusing on settling down. How to tell the difference between the perves and the nice ones is something you need to decide of while being friends with them, then if u develop feelings for the right guy, then you know its safe to assume that he wont dump u cuz of no sex.
I personally like to think of my partner as a really close friend sometimes, cuz then that way, i can express to her my worries and insecurities in a way which I know she wouldnt think badly of me for it. But obviously we are bf + gf, so i dont spill everything to her. That job is for my bestfriend :P.
Anyway, hope I have helped you out! Good Luck! :D
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A
female
reader, Tine  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 well not all guys are like that however it is very hard to spot a good guy from the bad guy the first time you meet sum1. However whenever you start into a relationship you dont have to have sex straight away and by takin gthings slow at teh start is the way you spot what a guy is really after. He will leave if he's not getting any but the good guys will stick around
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A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (25 August 2006):
 I do not know every man on the face of the planet, but even if I did, not all of them are purely after sex,there are some decent, intelligent intelluectual men out there who are not just after sex. I have met some perverted men, some decent men, some kind men and some men who were only interested in me cos of my looks, but my dear, there are some good fellas out there. Take care. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): I wonder why your dad would say this. Is he only after one thing too, do you think? Or is he in some way "special" and not like every other man?
Your dad was of course wrong. What he should have said was to respect yourself and your beliefs, that is all. He didn't need to scare you in to thinking men are evil and are out to use you. Have you watched Great Expectations, watch it and pay attention to the character Estella.
Of course you are going to meet blokes that only one one thing. But there are equally plenty of women out there who use, lye and disrespect men.
I think you should try meeting more men - as friends. And if you progress to dating, don't generalise that all men only want sex if you tell them that you want to be celebate. Again, there are *plenty* of women who would leave a man for saying this.
We're all ultimately human beings - so don't generalise between the sexes so much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): I say it sounds like Dad went a overboard in his protectiveness to the point of obsession.
Did Dad begin behaving differently when you hit puberty? Was he dead set against you bringing boys home? Was he determined to keep you away from boys?
Dad may have been a wild boy in his days and thus his assessment of all guys which is a very poor view of men to pass down to a child and it is completely unfair to you and to the man who would like to love you.
How was the homelife? Were you actively involved in group sports? Did you have a lot of friends? Were they allowed over? Did you have a curfew? Were you allowed to go on dates? Where was Mom? Was she supportive of Dad? Was Dad overbearing?
If Dad was overbearing and you were allowed little freedom; you have suffered emotional abuse.
Dad may have started talking to you more like a friend and thus it would be emotional incest. Or it may have been Mom who started to confide in you about the gory details of married life.
It sounds like your homelife was not picture perfect and beyond supporitve and nuturing. This has effected your life and your relationships.
Have you thought to date like minded men? Who obstain from sex until married?
Have you had some individual counseling?
I say it is time to start speaking to someone about the fears and hatred of men that your Dad taught you; those are his feelings and thoughts and don't have to be yours.
Stay in touch Sweetie and best wishes.
*hugs*
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