A
female
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anonymous
writes:HiI am in a relationship with a guy for nearly a year now. when we first met we both had just come out of serious relationships. we were pretty casual at first but now it's pretty serious. the problem is the way he treats me and speaks to me. if he gets angry he shouts and screams at me and accuses me of things i haven't done. I'm finding it harder and harder to handle his moods lately. i love him very much and don't want to lose him but I just don't know how to handle this. i recently made the mistake of telling him I had a male friend coming from another county coming to visit. i didn't meet up with the guy because I knew how jealous my boyfriend would get but he found a text on my phone from my friend just saying he is around. Since then he has been torturing me over this and says he doesn't trust me and that I am a liar... Please help me I don't know what to do
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (27 August 2006):
 You may love him...he doesn't love you, he sees you as his property. He has control issues and if you just sit back and take his accusations then more will keep coming and he may get physically violent as one step up from verbal aggression. The reason is that unless you walk away then he will think it is normal to treat you this way. He needs counselling to get over his issues of control but only when he is good and ready...in the meantime why lose out on life for a man who doesn't treat you with respect? One year is not a really long term relationship and if things have got this bad already then it won't get any better. Walk away from this guy and find someone who treats you nicely and accepts your friends...male, female or whatever.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (26 August 2006):
 "...i didn't meet up with the guy because I knew how jealous my boyfriend would get..."
Isolation from your friends is the first step down a slippery slope. Listen to Emma - she has just come through the same experience as you, but got out when she realized her ex was not going to get help.
You are with someone who will destroy your self-esteem by degrees. He is dealing very poorly with life issues that have nothing to do with you. Unfortunately he is projecting his problems onto you as a way to avoid dealing with his problems. Until he stops the denial of his problems you will continue to be his punching bag. At some point his abuse will turn physical.
You always have choices and options. Take responsibility for those choices. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Emma17 +, writes (26 August 2006):
Hello there,To be honest with you the fact that your boyfriend does not speak to you respectfully and is pathologically jealous of you is not a good start at all. In the first year of a relationship things should be fine and dandy, it should still be honeymoon time, and the time to establish respect and trust. If he lets himself be pathologically jealous and scream and rant at you, be careful. The path to abuse starts with the lack of respect. And I am talking from experience.I would take a break and carefully consider why you are in this relationship, if you really deserve to be treated that way. We are the most important person in our own life and yet we give it so easily away.Beware, and be well,Emma from Canada
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A
male
reader, guardian87  +, writes (25 August 2006):
 OKay, you have done absolutely nothing wrong to deserve this. I think the best approach for you is to talk with him and say that he has to trust you more and that he should because you love him and you wouldnt want to hurt him or do n e thing to give up. And if he still yells at you or still calls u a liar, then thats his problem and doesnt deserve you.
Good luck, and i hope for your sake and his that he listens and changes!
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A
female
reader, layla +, writes (25 August 2006):
 you havent done nothing wrong. I think that you tell him how much you love him and try to make him realise that he either loves you or hes under stress and trys to get rid of it by shouting at you.
I hope this helps and also hope this works out between you he may just be having a stressfull time ask if theres anything thats making him stressed at the moment. xx
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (25 August 2006):
 Hi there,
I think he has issues in his past that has made him so suspicious. My ex-boyfriend was just like that and he scared me alot.
Since u mentioned here that u are in love with him then It is best to let him know what he is doing to the relationship. Tell him that his jealousy is what is driving u to keep innocent secrets from him becos u are afraid that he might read otherwise. You have to make him realise that you have friends before/after both of you started dating and they mean nothing to you but would like to hold on to their friendship becos some have been with you ever since.Doesnt he have females friends i bet he has lots!You have to teach him how to love with an open mind and to trust you. I hope he listens and can be helped becos some people just arent willing to change.
I hope this gives you some bearings on how to handle the situations.
Kelly
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