A
male
age
41-50,
*mscbb4
writes:My story is like many others on here... A girl I was friends with in college fell in love with me. But for me, I wasn't interested. She was too fat. As time progressed we became good friends. At one point I fell for her best friend. Hard. But she never loved me back. I get it, unrequited love. It was a good learning experience.Eventually I hooked up with the girl. She had steadily been losing weight and becoming quite charming. We share many passions and connect well. And yet, I've always had in the back of my mind the thought: 'I like you, but I don't love you.' I can't put my finger on it...I do my best to be the best boyfriend I can. I go out of my way to make her happy and admittedly, it makes me happy.Then that girl I fell for years earlier called. She missed me. And a couple of phone calls later she revealed how she really loved me but decided not to pursue it. Her best friend (my girlfriend now) professed love for me and she decided to take one for the team and help her out.Now she feels betrayed by her (they haven't talked in years) and still thinks about me.The kicker. I think about her too. A lot.She's not super hot either. She's just good looking and for some darn reason I am attracted to her. I can't get it out of my head. Maybe its looks? Her accent?Well, I am stuck. I am nearing a four year point in our relationship and while I do enjoy my girlfriend, I still desperately miss the other girl. I think in fact I love her.Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Annonymous made a very good point. This other girl probably wouldn't be half as interested if you weren't dating her ex friend. More than likely it's her trying to get one over on her not because she's madly in love with you. If she were then i doubt she would have left it this late to tell you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Sorry to say this, but it sounds like you have a very juvernile perception of relationships. You claim that you might be in love with this other girl, yet do you know her on a deeper level?
You merely remark on her physical attributes and don't you find it suspicious that she is interested in you now that you have established a relationship with her ex friend?
Do you think she would be interested in you if you were single? She had her chance years ago and didn't pursue it. I think that since you are dating her friend she has grown a sudden interest in you. Moreover, i think that you are more in love with the idea of it happening but you must remember that the reality of it may be very different.
I think it is unfair how you are treating your current gf. You seem to downgrade her by the way you speak about her. Why don't you take a few steps back and put yourself in her situation. How would you feel if you were the overweight kid who had a far more attractive friend and you were interested in some girl who naturally "fell hard"for the far more attractive friend. Once your friend rejects her she starts dating you because she know very well how you feel towards her and you on the other hand start loosing weight to look more attractive for her. Eventually you fall out with your more attractive friend who returns years later to pursue your current gf and your current gf suddenly takes an interest claiming that she may be in love etc etc
Doesn't that sound very disrespectful? and don't you find it weird that she is suddenly interested in you that you are in a solid relationship with a friend she has fallen out with?
someone else made a good point. people only start contacting you when they feel lonely or have broken up from a rel etc etc
Take a good look at the situation because you are more in love with the illusion of love and you may damage another person's life because of your selfishness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): "But for me, I wasn't interested. She was too fat"
"She's not super hot either. She's just good looking and for some darn reason I am attracted to her. I can't get it out of my head. Maybe its looks? Her accent?"
Read the above. If you were a girl, would you want to date this guy? You sound pretty shallow.
I think you should save your girlfriend anymore heart ache and let her go. With regards to this other girl, i think you should leave her alone. It seems to me all you care about is your ego and to be honest with you i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a guy who is so superficial.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Break up with the girl you are with now. You are doing her a disservice and you are disrespecting her, she deserves better.
THEN figure out what you want. But don't be selfish and make people wait for you while you figure it out.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 What is the deal with you and weight/looks/accent?? Thats how you choose whom to like and whom not to? You "think" you love the first girl, you "enjoy" your girlfriend...they are both lucky to have you!!
Im very sorry if i sound judgmental, but thats not how it should be. If this is the way you think about your current girlfriend, then leave her alone. You dont have to go out of your way to be the best boyfriend...it should come naturally if you love someone. I'm sure she deserves better than to have a man critical of her weight and a 101 other things. You cant play around with anyone. Decide what you want and respect others for who they are.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 December 2010):
Hi there. Maybe you need to be dating both of them.
Don't commit to either of them though. Just be a free agent.
The only way you are ever going to know who you want, is to get to know them both properly, so that you can compare the qualities of one against the qualities of the other.
Good looks are only a very small part of the real attraction between two people, as I'm sure you are already aware. Beyond a pretty face and a nice figure, there needs to be a whole lot more than that, to keep you together.
They may have been close friends at one time, but they are not the same person identically in every way. So this is where you need to define what it is that you want in a woman in the first place. How much you both have in common. How well you communicate with each other.
The only way is to go out with both of them. Separately, of course. It really is the only way you are ever going to know.
It's like when people first start dating all different people (before becoming a couple), then over time, realize who it is they really want to be with, then they just stop going out with all the others, because they have found the one they want. It's that simple.
This is effectively, what you will be doing.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 December 2010):
 When someone like 8 years ago called me all of a sudden I am going to assume a few things. He's drunk. He just broke up with someone. He's lonely for the holidays. He had a dream about me. He's living in the past and couldn't let go.
Love as a word is not enough to describe what you feel for a person. Actions speak louder than words and the many things you do show that you indeed love your girlfriend. Things that are distand are always sweeter and idealized. All it takes is a phone call to make you doubt your relationship. She said she loves you and that triggered your instinct to do something about it. I myself am not going to deny that I can love more than one person at a time but I choose to remain with one partner for a long time and only occasionally satisfy our natural curiosity for other people. My schedule is not realistic for me to spend equal time with two people. My understanding is that you went from friendship to girlfriend boyfriend and that the spark was not as strong. You may wonder if that feeling of infatuation, the heart throbbing feeling, "you're the one," "fate brought us in," etc, are indications of a successful relationship in the long run. My answer is no. Cherish the one you have. Either you stay with your girlfriend or pursue her best friend it would be a good lesson but I don't think this lesson is necessary. Either relationship could be good till the end. It depends on your attitude.
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A
male
reader, Finn  +, writes (18 December 2010):
Dump the girl you're with. She deserves someone who loves her. But let her down easy.
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