A
male
age
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*im3164
writes:Its been about 6 months since i posted my question asking what to do about my marriage (25 years) as i have been unfaithful to my wife with a woman that i truly believe to be my soul mate,.Ive followed advice given and have tried marriage counseling and to work things out with my wife . but alas i am miserable and still continue to talk with the girl of my dreams who understands me and gives me the interaction i cant seem to get in my marriage. both know of the other, just cant seem to cut ties with either , What do i do? Please help
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female
reader, OliviaAna +, writes (18 December 2010):
 When any person is going through a break up or divorce, the worst thing they can do is jump right into another relationship. Be single, clear your mind and your heart and start completely over or you will continue the cycle of mistakes over and over with potential relationships. You will compare other females with your wife, gf, ex, etc and that is not fair to them. Cool your jets for awhile. Your therapist should have told you that first thing!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): There's two ways to look at this:
(1) Marriage counseling - a.k.a trying to repair a broken marriage - has zero chance of working if you are not committed to it. By continuing to see your lover you are by definition not seriously committed to counseling because the two are at odds with one another. This is akin to someone who claims they are trying to lose weight and are even regularly going to the gym, only to come home right afterward and stuff their faces. How serious do you think they are about trying to lose weight?
If you're going to be half-ass about counseling, of course it won't work. But not because of the counseling process itself, but because of YOU. It's like saying with the above example that "exercise and dieting don't work to lose weight."
conclusion #1: if you are serious about marriage counseling and working on your marriage, you need to end your affair. Otherwise you're being half-ass about the counseling.
An alternate way to look at it is:
(2) The fact that you continue your affair while in marriage counseling, already shows that you know you don't want to make your marriage work. So when you say "marriage counseling didn't work" you are absolutely correct, it did not work because you have already decided you don't want your marriage anymore. So, be a man and admit openly and honestly that you don't want your marriage anymore.
It sounds like you really deep down know you want to leave your wife for your lover and are only going through the motions of going to marriage counseling because to not to do makes you look bad.
conclusion #2: you have your answer what to do - you should leave your wife. Not because "the marriage counseling didn't work", but because you know deep down that you don't want to be in the marriage so you are not even seriously interested in the counseling in the first place.
Instead of placing the "blame" for the breakup on the relationship (by claiming the counseling didn't work), take full responsibility for the breakup and admit that you are divorcing because YOU want to end the marriage.
I know this makes you look bad. Whereas saying "marriage counseling didn't work" spreads the blame out between the two of you and muddies the waters as to who is to 'blame'.
But truth is that you know you don't want your marriage anymore. So, be a man and admit it and take FULL responsibility for the break up of your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Look deeper than what u have been doing. You are not totally committed to your wife and your problems. U are still investing in your affair. U are still blatantly disrespecting your wife by keeping in touch with your lover. I am sure u even discuss your wife and problems with her??? How the hell can u say u are trying to work things out when u have not changed your behaviour. If u trly want to make a different stop being an insensitive coward and cut off all ties with the other woman. The OW needs to also respect boundaries. Botton line: she is waitinwith open arms for her married man.
You know it, your wife knows it, and the OW knows it.
If you are truly committed to giving your 25 year marriage a chance, your OW needs to go. Not rocket science but a reality!
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 December 2010):
 It sounds like they both fulfill something in you that the other one does not. Realize there are many women out there that would have the same affect. Different personalities, goals, and what they bring to a relationship can make it difficult to let go, knowing that part will then be missing. Now, this is what is hard to grasp, but it's true. What is missing is NOT what they provide you, but what you are lacking within yourself. Marriage and relationships are not what you can get out of them, but what you bring into it. When we look at what we can get, we also look at what we're not getting, therefore affairs and other means to replace what's lacking takes form.
The best marriages I have found are two people who both love themselves, and are happy being who they are, that instead of expect the other person to make them happy join together to share the happiness they already possess. Loving someone is not about emotions, but is often seen as "you do this and I will love you" etc. Love is the choice to do so. Say, "I love you, because it's my choice." In doing that, you control the power of your love without it being affect by your partners imperfection, or by external means, such as this economy, and difficulties etc. It is this choice to love that is really the foundation in some couples who have faces tragedies in their lives while being together.
We can't choose which way to go or who to choose. What I would do is not look at your marriage right now, or this other woman, but look at yourself. What are you lacking within your sense of self, where you feel someone else can fill that void. This really is no different than seeking any other external means to make you feel better about you. I want you to find within you to become whole. If you don't, ending either of these relationships will not solve anything, because the cause is still present. Leave one, you'll only end up seeking another at some point to fill the same area the other one once did.
I've been close to where you are now. Although I didn't have the second gal, I had come close many times. I found it had nothing to do with who I was with, but it had everything to do with my lack of knowing who I was. I allowed life and experience not only beat me down, but determine who I was, instead of taking control and making that determination for myself. Once you do, your whole world will change. It did for me. I found new appreciations in friendships and relationships that I know I never recognized in the past. Even what I wanted in a partner changed. My counselor asked me once what I was really looking for in a woman, I told her, "must be breathing." I said that because I really had no idea. She said, "no wonder why you're divorced". I agree. Once you know about you, you will begin knowing why you're with who you are with, but at a much deeper level than right now. Think of it this way. How do you know who you're looking for, if you don't really know who you are. We hear about compatibility or chemistry, ok with what?
You may end up finding your wife is everything you could have ever hoped for, or you may not. The point is that until you fill what's missing and do so from within, you won't be able to answer that question.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): You cannot serve two masters so don't even try. One will always be compromised... and while you indicate that you have 'tried' to repair things with your wife, you have yet to cease continuing with the VERY ACT that tears it down and makes a true marriage impossible. Honestly, I don't know how you can say that you've tried to work things out with your wife... when you are not married in your heart, mind or body. You are splitting the baby... you have not invested yourself in your marriage... you are toying.Life is more than just simply chasing desires... there is such things as integrity, honor, and your word being worth something. Character. Who are you in your heart? Are you truly a man who uses someone until they are no longer serving your purposes and then move onto greener pastures? Is that how you define yourself?You have not tried to work on your marriage ... you won't begin to 'try' until you break off the affair. You are in a fog and you need to clear it. Start reading about the survival rate of affair based relationships... partners coming together via an affair rarely stay together once the relationship becomes 'normal'. Marriages with an ongoing infidelity can't survive either...So, you may very well wind up empty handed chasing your own tail and trying to figure out what went wrong...Or, you can face up to what is is you know you have to do. Whatever it is you believe you've invested in 'repairing' your marriage, in truth... you haven't done a thing. You cannot repair a marriage while cheating and lying and... while serving two masters.Read and learn. Figure this out pragmatically and take this 'affair' relationship into the light of day... see it. You are caught with one foot in fantasy and the other in a distorted reality... Make the affair real. The ends do not justify the means. See it for what it is... see your affair partner for who and what she is. You've created an illusion fueled by an image of yourself you wish to make real. In reality, this has nothing to do with your affair partner... this is about you and only you. This isn't about your wife, your marriage or your affair partner... Only you. You have things you need to address within yourself, so stop chasing solutions outside of you.If the co-cheater is your soulmate, then you had better do some soul searching, brother.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): "till continue to talk with the girl of my dreams who understands me and gives me the interaction i cant seem to get in my marriage"
If you want to save the marriage, you have to cut off all ties with "the other woman". You are still trying to "have it both ways", which doesn't work.
Be realistic here. Your counselor should have been all over this behavior.
? Are you being truly open and honest and fully disclosing all in the counseling sessions?
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