A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year. He's 46, I'm 43. I will admit, I have ignored some small "yellow flags", but there are many, many good qualities about him and I also know that there is no "perfect", that I, myself, am not perfect and I feel as though expecting or damanding perfect in a relationship is completely unrealistic. At any rate, he asked me the other day what, if anything, he could do to make me happier. I am, in general, pretty happy...with my life, myself, my friends, him, etc. I mentioned something small (your house is too cold! Please would you turn up the heat 5 degrees when I'm here? We both laughed a little and he quickly did that). THEN, THEN!!!!! I asked if he would mind getting the door for me when we go into a store, bar or restaurant. Wow! I was completely unprepared for the ensuing argument. He basically said that he gets my car door and that should be enough. Women want to be treated like a queen. If you give women an inch, they want a mile. That I am an able-bodied woman and I should be able to do that for myself. That all women are alike. That he can't believe that was me asking that...he didn't think that was my personality. I was and still am shocked. It is not about the door anymore. Now it's about the disrespect and the way he obviously REALLY feels about me and women in general. I'm feeling my feelings for him change, rapidly, for the worse. I've invested a year in what was a pretty decent relationship. I'm sad, confused, angry, etc. I'm also very hesitant and worried about the fist time we approach a DOOR together after this. That may sound silly, but I can be stubborn. And, after his crazy( my opinion) reaction, I don't want him to get the door... store, bar, restaurant, or car...for me ever again. I'm so angry and hurt. Am I being crazy or over-sensitive. We talked for a long time about this. I feel as though I was calm and rational and explained my "side" of this...that it's simply courteous and gentlemanly and I would so appreciate it. Every time he gets my car door, I give him a kiss and say "thank you". I REALLY do appreciate it. Opinions, please! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2012):
 Like So Very Confused, I find that your "update" tells us
'way more about this guy..... and what we learn is that he is what I would call an "uber-jerk" .... and, if you were my Sister, I'd suggest that you dump his cheap, sorry a*s anbd get a real MAN for a boyfriend.....
What IS this... keeping his house so cold that YOU are uncomfortable?????
Geeesh.... don't waste another minute on this idjit.... That MUST be a better guy out there for you....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2012):
 OK OP your update (which is not marked as an update in case folks missed it) gives me a LOT MORE info to go on… Thank you.
The argument about not opening doors for you is a jumping point for you to consider leaving him for OTHER reasons and I see it now.
You are saying that it’s not a contest but you mentioned at least TWICE that he makes 4 times what you make and essentially pointed out how cheap he is… frugal would be the word I think of…my First husband was “frugal” and it was a huge problem later on down the road. I was not working (as we agreed so I could take care of our kids) and I was not allowed to have a new winter coat because 4 years before I had one when we got married… and to this day he does not permit cable in his house… his poor wife goes to friends to watch tv… there’s frugal and there’s cheap. Keeping a house where you need a hat and scarf and coat is beyond frugal. NOT taking you to dinner or spending money on you is not a yellow flag sweetie.. it’s a RED FLAG…
ONE of the things I realize now is that I put up with things from my current partner (who is much like my first husband in personality) because he is not cheap when it comes to taking care of me… he sees the value in allocating funds for my care and maintenance. We are a couple so our funds are co-mingled now but prior to that he spent money on me like crazy… taking me out to dinner, buying me gifts… indulging me in great treats…. And it continued when we joined our funds… THE opposite of my first husband who when we joined our funds and I was not working told me I needed NOTHING… and my poor mother used to slip me 20 bucks now and then so I had pocket money.
I think that the holding the door issue for you is a cover for the other issues that you don’t want to deal with because you may feel it makes you look petty or greedy… it doesn’t. Generosity of spirit, feelings and time are great… but to be honest if a person HAS the means to be generous with their funds and are not, that can be a big issue. I’m not talking about being extravagant. But common day to day living (heat, food, etc) should be covered to the BEST of your ability….
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 I have to agree with gist of the other answers. That kind of sweeping philosophy about womankind usually comes from those who want a lot but offer very little.
If your boyfriend's schedule was that demanding why did he pursue a relationship in the first place? His warning wasn't sincere. It was just a disclaimer. He was hinting that he would gladly accept whatever you had to offer but you wouldn't be getting much from him.
Clearly he isn't too busy to receive all these favours, just too busy to return them.
He is trying to keep you in perpetual penance for all the perceived sins of womankind. It's a test you will never pass and you'll burn yourself out trying.
There are plenty of fish in the sea so toss this one back.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 I have got a theory about that.
To me, that men hold doors for women is not even gentlemanly, is normal. That's what people do, it something that becomes ingrained , sort of authomatic, it may perhaps be "stupid" but it's what you have learned as a kid from your dad, uncles etc., you don't have to think about it. It just happens, obviously of course at times the woman may reach the door first and open herself, or the guy may be preoccupied or absentminded and nobody has a fit about it, no big deal, bit NORMALLY yes, it's something that men do without being asked. Same as wiping their mouth with a napkin and not on their sleeve.
But, suppose he has NOT been taught that as a child. Maybe he grew up in an underprivileged enviroment, or in some "rough " place , or he did not have a male model to copy from when he grew up. Or anyway, for whatever reason, he did not get to pick up this as common male behaviour.
He might have taken your request as your way to be princessish, or to remark on a social disparity, or to imply that you are " better " than him because you know the right rules and he does not.
Like, you meant : I want you to be protective and attentive to me - but he took it to mean " You are a loutish jerk".
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (23 February 2012):
 If the "yellow flags" as you describe them relate to his personal philosophy of "If you give women an inch, they want a mile", I say run like hell. Men these days are very selfish and don't treat women as they should be. To think that opening doors is somehow using him, or that you're entitled over it, is beyond ridiculous. I usually find it that men with a "If you give women an inch, they want a mile" mentality are usually cheap and selfish.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 I think his question was kind of strange in the first place. Why would he ask that? I think he asked it because he wanted you to ask him back. Did you? Probably not, with the argument that followed.
As for his reaction ... be fair. He was giving his opinion, even if you didn't like it. That he opens your car door is, as someone said, quite a big thing. I can't imagine sitting in the car waiting for someone to open the door for me! I am far to eager to get out!! But with doors into restaurants, etc. - well, that just kind of happens naturally, although again I am usually first so nobody gets the chance to open for me ; )
I think it was a bit of a strange answer on your part, too, to be honest. I think he probably thought you were going to say 'have a baby' - that kind of big life-enhancing thing, rather than something quite generally insignificant in the scheme of things, like who opens the door. I'm sure he doesn't let doors drop in your face, does he?
I don't know. I think his question was odd, but your answer was also odd. I think if the biggest thing you can think of to change is that, then things must be pretty good. I don't think he expected that kind of answer. I say again, I think he expected something big, like children, or moving house (or in with each other? Do you live together?).
I suggest you calm down about the door opening. I think he is honestly right, about one partner getting used to special treatment as a sort of requirement. That only works if, as someone says, it is a voluntary act. You can't force or request it.
And I think you should think carefully about what the subtext of his question was ... what might he want you to want to change?
I also think that saying you've wasted a year because now you find out he will only open your car door and not necessarily automatically other doors is, well ... maybe who you are, in which case, maybe he isn't for you. But your question was are you right? I don't think you're totally right, but you are probably right about yourself.
You need to think carefully.
How much do you like him? Are you also willing to change, for him?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): I really appreciate all of the answers and time that complete strangers take to try and be helpful to me and others... It's difficult without making these questions way too lengthy and boring for others to read, so sometimes in an effort to be concise, details are left out. That being said, I would like to follow up by saying that his house is SO cold that you can almost see your breath. I leave my coat and scarf on most of the time when I'm there, so it's obvious I'm cold. Yes, he's doing it to save money on the heat bill, but I make an okay living and he makes 4 times what I make. I've never said anything before because I love him and don't want to hurt his feelings or put him out. But it's winter and I'm cold! So I don't feel as though it was a nit-picky, petty, looking-for-reasons-to-be-upset request. And for those who asked, I may not get out the good china every time I make him dinner, but I make him dinner A LOT, take what he likes to eat and special dietary restrictions into account every time. I make appitizers, drinks, dessert, EVERY time. I deliver dinner to his work when he is stressed and overwhelmed. I give many long massages after long days at work, I do errands, pick up/drop off and feed his kids while he attends to what he needs to do. I've done laundry and rubbed his head as he falls asleep. And I'm not keeping score! There is no notebook or tally sheet. I do these things because I love him and I genuinely want to help and make his life easier. He cannot do these types of things for me due to lack of time. I knew that when I met him, and I don't expect different now or to change him. I don't even say anything when, on occassion, I wish he'd take me out for dinner as I've cooked for him the last many times. Geez! Everyone is so worried about his heat bill and how I could possibly ask to turn the heat up 5 degrees (which is still cold, by the way!), but what about the fact that he makes 4 times what I make and I'm buying beer, steaks, salmon, etc. ALL THE TIME just out of care, concern and love for him. I've NEVER said anything about it because it truly is not a contest. Is it too much to ask for that I asked him very nicely and politely to get the door when we walk into a store. It's free and it's EASY becuase he's ALREADY opening it for himself!!!!! Swear to God he said he'd rather help me with my laundry than get the door for me. It's hard for me to imagine a woman who would make a man feel useless and small for showing her the kindness of letting her in the door first, but I know they exist. I'm pretty low maintenance as women go. I don't ask becuase I feel like I'm the Queen or I'm filled with a sense of entitlement. I just simply think it's a gentlemanly thing to do. I really thought someone who loves me would say "sure, babe" and that would be that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Always remember:
You command respect, you don't demand it.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (23 February 2012):
 in a relationship it is about giving of yourself 100 percent to the other person. not a small portion but giving your all. when a person feel like they are on a one sided relationship it causes hurt, frustration,and whats the use. it also involves taking the good with the bad. personally i think it is low of him making the comments (give a woman an inch and she will take a mile). not offering to hold a door for you was rude,uncaring. that is my opinion . i feel like a man should treat woman like lady . i open the car door for my wife, open doors when entering any place we go. i even pump her gas for her. she has always appreciated me doing those small things for her. love and relationship is a two way street of giving to each other. there is no room for selfishness , and self centered acting. your b/f comments was wrong. but you need to let him know they hurt you. communication needs to be open between you to, in a loving way.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2012):
He gets your car door for you? Wow. Most men don’t do that now. Nor do they let ladies out of an elevator first. I am a bit older than you and my fiancé is a bit younger than you. And yet, he gets the door for me (which sometimes makes me nuts) He orders for me in the restaurants (after I tell him what I want) which makes the waiters NUTS… and MOST of the time he does open doors for me and expects me to walk on his left side and holds his arm out for me to put my arm through it… very old fashioned for a young man.
I am thinking that asking him to turn up his heat 5 degrees being done without any issue is a HUGE thing. HEAT costs a lot!
I don’t’ think his comment is about disrespect for you or women in general… and yes I think you are hugely over reacting. Do not throw away what is a good relationship because of one thing you do not see eye to eye on…
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): I must live in a different world! Yea I like a man to be well mannered,respectful and if a stranger holds a door for me, male or female, well thats ok too,you just do automatically if your entering/leaving a shop. I wouldn't/haven't ever expected a boyfriend to hold open every door for me, car,shop,restaurant, or whatever. I am quite capable of doing it myself.With the exception of a black tie do when am dressed like a lady.
My dad used to hold doors for my mum, we werent to sit down at dinner table until she did, male visitors stood when she came into the room and we gave up our chairs for her. BUT that was because of their era and upbringing, we kids thought it was stupid.However it taught us respect.
Your boyfriend asked you a question and you answered it - he didnt like the answer - his reaction WAS a bit over the top yes, but I would let it go now, why spoil a great relationship over something so trivial? Make a joke of it - open the next door for him.....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): I would have just asked him right there what are his other triggers that set him off to crazy rant mode. Because that was some serious odd behaviour right there.
I view it as he probably wanted a fight. Or he might be one of those people who like to argue for the sake of arguing. *shudders*
It sounded like a reasonable question but to me, it turned into a set up question.
As for the door, it may not be a break up over situation but I don't think its unreasonable to want a man to still be a gentleman about such things.
But I am from Canada, Alberta, and farmers abound so the men from the country, still get ALL doors for me and those men, tend to be the ones I date and admire.
I think you are reacting to his hyper sensitivity to getting the doors. It sounds like a trigger to perhaps a past relationship where he was told he wasn't a gentleman. Either way he took it as an attack on himself and when men feel attacked- they go into this rage. Dumb, I know. Its very kin to a Narcissist reaction to 'criticism' in that, your BF may view himself already some amazing man, puffs his chest out, and you point out it would be nice if he could work on getting doors for you. I mean he asked for some self improvement, right?
You're upset because you read his over reaction as, you are not good enough to cherish, love, honour, respect in that a simple request to get the doors to show old fashioned values and love to you (which is an easy request) turned into HOW DARE YOU. Dumb yet again.
He's okay with doing something like turn up the heat because its easy. Getting doors must be some character overhaul to him so thats too great of some improvement so...his hyper sensitivity. Men can be so idiotic about such things at times.
I say give him time to cool down. Then tell him you now are having doubts due to his over reaction AND his view of women- it is on the misogynist side and that statement alone- who wants to date a man that can be thusly inclined?
I say trust your gut. His over reaction coupled with his statement says THIS IS OUT OF CHARACTER for this guy.
Anyone can pretend, act, to be someone they really aren't, nice and all but does that mean they are GOOD?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): I think the best answer to his question about making you happy would have been "you already make me happy". This is what makes a man WANT to do more for you. Men also don't take well to someone giving them suggestions on how to improve, even if they ask. When you give them a laundry list of things like opening doors and temperature of the house, it can come off like you are a nag and they will take that as petty. You will become work to be around to them. If they fulfill your request, it won't be of their own accord and more of an obligation.
I understand the importance of chivalry and my boyfriend opens doors and does all those things. He was like that to begin with though. I wouldn't have gone on a second date with a man who didn't though. You have to date with your standards already intact and then let go the little things. Men fall in love and stay in love with women who accept them as they are and don't try to change them. If there are things you don't accept, find someone else.
If your boyfriend sees you cold yet does nothing to alleviate that, then you are with someone who puts their needs above your own. This type of person will always see you as a nag when you request what you need. Personally, that would not be a healthy relationship but you would know better than us if he is this type of guy.
Do you ask him what you could be doing more to make him happy? You should be doing little things every day to make him feel masculine and strong. When you fail at that, men will want to give you very little because they aren't getting what they need from you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dragonheart +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Honestly, i think you are actually completely over-reacting. You have been with him for over a year, he has many, many good qualities and even opened the car door for you during this time, because he felt like it and loves you.
You say yourself you are happy with your life.. then he (caring for you!) asks what he could do to make you even happier and all you could think of is asking him to become your personal servant? I'm sorry, but I don't understand your reason for bringing it up and even less why you let it turn into an argument.
Perhaps he was expecting you to ask for something more personal, like more time with him, moonshine walks or candlelight dinners, maybe even for a massage... something of that sort - that would explain his reaction a bit.
By the way, why didn't you think of something like that, I mean more personal? Could it be that your feelings were not that strong for him in the first place? I can't help, but your reaction makes me think that you see him more as an accessory than as your man and partner who shares your life.
I think you have to ask yourself what you really feel for him and what he REALLY means to you and the answer cannot depend on whether or not he is prepared to make a fool of himself in public and opens every single door for you or not.
Best of luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 February 2012):
 "If you give a woman an inch, they want a mile".
That right there is the statement of the year, but I'm going to get back to it in a moment.
Hmm, you've been dating for a year. He gets your car door still, which is very nice. Personally, I think relationships should be more than just getting doors. Kissing him on the cheek and saying "Thank you" is very nice, but are you showing him the same kind of attention? Are you doing special things for him too?
A relationship is more than that. If you're still hung up on doors after a year, then in my opinion, you're focused on the wrong things.
I've been married over 13 years. My husband no longer opens my car door for me (which I'm okay with!), but he does open regular doors for me most of the time. I love it when he does it, but if he doesn't for any reason, it's okay too. We love each other. I cherish much more the fact that we can go on dates and talk about anything. I think a real relationship is much more than contrived courtesies that quite frankly died out when soap operas started going out of style. Now, if he started ignoring me, parking in front of mud puddles and not wanting to move for me so that I don't get out in a puddle, or letting doors hit me in the face, I'd say something.
That being said, his reaction "give a girl an inch" bugs me. Both of you are stubborn. He sees it as you wanting him to fawn all over you and place you above him for show. The "all women are like that" comment likewise bugs me. However, in this case, and it pains me to say it, I can see where he's coming from.
He isn't ignoring you. This isn't a new date, and you've been seeing each other for a year. Does he take off your coat for you? Does he order dinner for you? Does he take out two cigarettes, light them both, and hand you one? Some things are left for new romances. Bottom line is that he has been treating you well, and you've only focused on what he hasn't done right. There's a "never enough" feel to what you're saying, and that would bother me too. The "All women" thing though would irk me.
Bottom line, I think it's stupid to break up an obviously good relationship simply because he won't get two doors for you. After a year, a relationship shouldn't need that except on special occasions, like when you dress up to the nines and go out to a fancy party or social engagement. You aren't expected to break out your finest china dishes every day when you cook for him, right?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 February 2012):
Well... the ironic part of your submittal is that it's polite to open/hold the door for ANYBODY who happens to approach it when somebody (man or woman, me, your B/F) does!!!!
In addition..... it's UNTHINKABLE that a guy would approach a door with his B/F and NOT be sure to open and hold that door for her....
HOWEVER, in his defense, there are, now, women who eschew this bit of chivalry and (they) have actually have been known to chide those polite men who do so.... apparently under a claim that partaking of this polite/charming display is some sort of demeaning/diminunizing gesture towards such a woman.... IF a guy should encounter such a woman, he might - in the future - be a little reluctant to open/hold that door.... being not-sure that he might not trigger that reaction in the lady (sic!)...
HOWEVER, I think that your's and your B/F's discussion should have clarified this matter.... resulting in him being that charming/chivalrous knave that you wish him to be. That he argued about it tells you a great deal about him....
The subject is a "draw"... as to results... but does give you an interesting angle to know about your B/F....
...............................
|
