A
female
age
41-50,
*ock chic
writes:hi again... i seriously need advice. i come out of serious relationship of 4 years, 3 n half months ago, my ex is a recovering alcoholic, we have a little girl. he is desperate to get back with me and he is going to this council session every week that seem to be helping him but he has asked me to go talk with them so they can explain to me his 'illness' thing wot he dont get is im not sure i can forgive and forget all the rubbish he put me through all that time, all the lies and deceit despite illness! i care about him, but do i love him? i dont no. im suppose to be goin on a casual date this weekend with a lovely guy i get on well with. thing is do i give my ex yet another chance? for little girls sake or do i move on??? any advice is greatly appreciated thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): if you don't know that you love him, that means that you don't.
You shouldn't put yourself through a horrible relationship all over again just for the sake of your child. How exactly does it benefit your child, for you to go through the merry-go-round to nowhere again? How does it benefit your little girl for you to be subjected to his lies and deceit and alcoholism?? How does it benefit your daughter to once again be living in a home with a lying, deceitful alcoholic??
how does going back to him benefit anyone EXCEPT him?? and even then it wont' benefit him if he doesn't have to make himself into a better person. it will keep him staying dysfunctional.
OK so what if he is getting help? that's good but is he "there" yet? if not then he shouldn't be given another chance. Even if he is a new changed and better person, he should get a second chance - but not with you, with someone new whom he hasn't already damaged.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): You answered "I don't know" to the question "Do I love him?". There is only one way to find out.
Give him another chance but make it clear for him that you will always have the right to put an end on this.
Your little daughter is another good reason.
If things didn't work, then you can go for other guys. And this time you won't have to answer "I don't know" to your questions.
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A
male
reader, Masterofpuppets  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Hello, first I would like to say that I am A recovering alcoholic and addict. I can tell you that it isn't wise to get involved in A relationship in the early stages of recovery. It just leaves an opportunity for there to be an excuse to drink again. For example, you pissed me off so I had to drink and he can use relationship issues to justify losing focus and might even try to blame you. I have seen it and heard it in the rooms of AA and NA Many many times. I would say give it time and have some fun with and in life. If it works out later down the road then it was meant to be but let him do for himself and don't allow him to make you his savior he has to work on himself before he can make anyone else happy and honestly has to be happy for himself first.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (23 February 2012):
 I think that you can't make the decision yet as to whether you can forgive, or reconcile. I think you first really should support him, as the father of your child and someone who you once I guess loved, and go to meet the people to hear about his problems.
Some people would say you have no obligation to go, and no, I suppose you don't. Just like if someone is lying in the road and can't walk, and you can, you have no absolute obligation to help them. But ... in this situation, you are healthy, although wounded by his behaviour, but he is ill, and trying to get better, so that he can have a proper life, and presumably make it up to you and his daughter.
I think you should go to the meeting at least to hear and understand better why he has behaved as he has. I'm sure you will find that lots of people with the same problem have behaved in the same way. And this makes it more a problem of the illness than him being a 'bad' guy. The idea is, if the illness is dealt with, he then has the chance to be a good guy again.
BUT: I really really don't know whether you should ever get back with him. I think you should just support him now, and I think being kind and generous-hearted and supportive is always a good thing to be. You have the power to help: so use it. And also, you will feel better when you have a better explanation for the things he has done.
As for your little girl, I imagine she loves her daddy, and yes, I do think that for her sake, if her father can get better, then you should do everything within reason to maintain a good relationship with him. Whether that means getting back together, I don't know. I know that living with an alcoholic father is too bad, and you were right to get out. But he will be a very different person without the drink.
On balance, I think you should hear him and the people out.
As for the date, I'm not sure. It's up to you. I don't think you can decide on that, either, until you have heard him and them out.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (23 February 2012):
 HI
I think it's great he is taking his life more seriously now, and getting help, but as far as a reconciliation goes, I dont think it would be a good idea. Being in recovery is a long healing process, and there will be many issues for him still do deal with. He may be feeling possitive and great now, but untill his treatment has been declared terminated I wouldn't risk an upheavel in your girls life again. I would let him have as much contact with his daughter as he wants ( within reason, and if his safe around your daughter) and I would start your new life by going on this date and seeing how things go. If it dont work out, and you still harbour more feelings than you thought with you ex, then im sure he will be willing to try again with you. Only YOU can decide what you want from this. But it is great our ex is doing something solid about his illness. :)
Mandy x
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