A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a single middle divorced female with 3 grown children ages 35,30,3l,1 boy the eldest and 2 girls.I believe my problem initially stems from a messy, spiteful divorce approx 20 years ago which left many scars and unresolved issues. My problem is with my son(c.f.)During and after the divorce C.F. lived with me while I attended school, the girls lived with their father. C.F lived with me approx 4 difficult years. He played hookey and eventually quit school. He decided to go to the kootney's and get a job laboring in forestery. I missed him, but I did not miss the stress and fighting. While in the kootney's he met an older woman, they moved in together and expanded their family with two more children, 2 girls, which are my sons daughters. At first I was very happy for him and tried to help as much as I could. I would make bi-yearly trips with a loaded care to journey l0-12 hours to visit and deliver goodies. The first few trips were enjoyable and I loved seeing them all,after approx l8 months the request came. C.F and his partner S. wanted to buy a house. He was seasonally employed, and she stayed at home with the children. The onus was on him to provide a home for her and the 4 children, he phoned several times, stating that he couldn't find a place to live and maybe they would all just live in a tent. I felt sorry for him and wanted to help. I loaned him $5,000 dollars toward a downpayment for a small house, and took on the legal responsiblity of mortgage holder, as he did not quality for a mortgage. I explained this money was a loan and the term was defined as 7 years interest free. I explained that the difference he had been paying for rent and the cost of the monthly mortgage could be put in a separate account and then as the money accumulated the loan would be paid for in 7 years. The joint account was opened and the money never did accumulate during the term, I reminded him many times of the plan and he ignored me, I remined him many time of the limited 7 year term, that he needed to qualify to take over the mortgage in his own name, that I would not be tied for the rest of my life. When the time came, he expected me to resign for the mortgage, I did not. With much fighting and stress he eventually secured his own mortgage and I was set free. During the 7 year period, I made several trips to see my son and his family. With each trip I felt more and more like an unwelcome intruder. It appeared that hospitality was not in the plan. On my last trip approximately l year before the mortgage was to be re-written I asked if I could visit at Xmas, my son he didn't know and would have to get back to me once he checked with his partner. My heart sank, I thought he would be happy to spend xmas with me, after all it had been several years since we spent the holiday season together. Now I wasn't sure if he liked the idea of my visiting. I did go. When I got there in the evening he spent the next several hours telling me I was a bad influence on his girls, I was a hate monger, that I was difficult to be around, I was prejudge, and etc...... At 0300 in the morning after hearing this for several hours, I requested to go to bed. In the morning I requested to be dropped off at the bus station. He refused, and as there were no taxi or other transportation, I was stuck. I stayed until 5pm when he said he would drop me off to take the bus home. The driver explained that I would only be able to travel half way then I must wait at an unheated station till 0600am. I looked at my son, waited for a response, an invite to spend the night, the bus driver repeated the message, and with no invite I left, prepared to spend the night at a cold bus station. My heart sank as I came to realize, coming there was a mistake, they didn't want me - merry xmas. I vowed that was my last trip to the kootneys. For many years I requested pictures of the family - the response was, if you want pictures of the girls, then come and get it yourself. I requested that they let me know when I sent parcels, to ensure they received them. Never, and never a thank-you. The years went by, Not a card or phone call on mother's day, my birthday, or christmas. I told him how this hurt and no response. I told him if he wants to keep a relationship then he would have to make some effort - no response. I explained that parents are the bridge between grandchildren and grandparents and if he wants his children to have a relationship with their grandmother then he has to step up and facilitate ommunication. I told him life is a 2 way street, give and take. One way relationships don't last, and I would appreciate a thank-you when receiving gifts, and consideration on his mothers birthday, xmas ect. To date this has not happened. I confronted him and asked him if he was extranged from me, I asked if he divorced me , his response was yeah' sure, whatever. I explained it was almost impossible to maintain any kind of relationship with his children as long as he is hostile toward me. I felt abused. Now after l4 years I give up, No thankyou = no gift.Here's my question: I have been critized because I no longer am sending birthday gifts to the girls. It was said that it hurt them so much, going to the post office every day and no gift. It was said "grandma doesn't love me" Too bad love is measured in material things. too bad she is brought up to expect, and gifts are a measurement of love.Am I wrong to just let them be. As I see it, If he divorces me, then my tie with that family is gone.I don't think I should be expected to provide gifts without any thanks or consideration of my feelings. Why do these people expect from me - like a cash cow.Please let me know how I can resolve this and am I making a big mistake by just walking a different path and give up on any relationships.
View related questions:
christmas, divorce, grandmother, money, moved in, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, 2old4this  +, writes (16 June 2007):
 Something you hashed over got my attention. The night he stayed up telling you what kind of person you are and that you were a bad influence. I dont know you. Do you have opinions about he and his families lifestile that are negative? Do you constantly look down on his partner as you say? There are alot of things that he has done that are awful and a relationship with him is probably not worth trying for anymore. But continue to write the children and send them gifts, As long as the letters and gifts are not somehow inflamatory to the situation. Because when the children get older they may decide to get to know you dispite their parents and you will not have to answer to why yoou didnt care about them. And keep any thoughts and opinions about him and his partner to yourself. It wont change anything if you dont.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007): I agree with the advice below,, which is really just to say that you have been reasonable enough with your son and his family....he obviously has some personal issues, and they very well may stem from your divorce, which is quite sad for you.
I think your situation is more common than you think, and I am in a similar situation, only with my sister, who has a set of twins who I adore, but after years of being treated poorly, same type of things would happen when I went to visit, and all the effort of making a visit and keeping a relationship going was on my end....my sister is difficult, uncooperative, unforgiving, accusatory, selfish, emotionally spoiled, and insecure about herself as a mother and on and on, and she suffers from Type 1 Diabetes and a marriage that at times is not a very happy one....she has issues, and she is very hurtful towards me, and after many many years of trying there was a last straw moment for me and I told her I was done. It has been 4 long years and no apology from her, or any move to make it right between us. I still see her kids on occassion, but I no longer send elaborate gifts, as these kids have more stuff and more money given to them than I can afford, so I hope that some day when they are older they will remember the first few years of their lives when I was able to see them more....it breaks my heart, so I know how you feel, but it hurt me more to stay in that toxic relationship and I had to do what was best for me and my own sanity....I try to let the kids know I care, but I am not so sure that my sister doesn't bad mouth me to them as well...so what can you do except just send them a card or a letter and maybe letting them know you would love for them to come and visit you, as you will not be coming to them.
Anyway, long story short, is sometimes it only takes one person to ruin a relationship, and now I understand how divorce can happen when one person really doesn't want it to, but if there is no love, concern, caring or reciprocity, and the relationship is cold as ice, and the one person who can change things won't.....you have to simply let go.
...............................
A
male
reader, diddyeinstein  +, writes (15 June 2007):
I think you have done everything that you possibly could. It might seem harsh to not send the girl's gifts, but at the same time your comment about love not being measured through material goods is spot on.
It seems like he wants you to hurt. He doesn't want to facilitate communication between you and your grandchildren, yet when you have no way of communication he blames you. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.
I think you made the best choice for you, which I think is about all you can ever do in life. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 June 2007):
 Couldn't agree more with Beckto.
...............................
A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (15 June 2007):
 Tough situation.
To start off: I think you did the right thing by helping your son with the loan and mortgage help. I also think you did the right thing by setting some boundaries regarding the time-table for repayment and relinquishment for the mortgage. You stood your ground as best you could, and you should be applauded for that strength of character.
Your son and his wife are adults now with their own house rules. As much as you want to, you can't intervene. You can't change them. It's a shame he's letting his anger and bitterness with you come between the children and yourself. But, it is what it is.
I suggest that the only thing you can really do in the situation which will a) continue dialogue with your grandchildren and b) protect your own self from emotional and seemingly physical abuse (as with the cold bus stop), is to send the children cards, letters, and call on occasion if you can, and if the parents let you speak with them. Don't bad-mouth your son and daughter-in-law when you write letters, but instead focus on the children and tell them how much you miss and love them. Invite them to write you back. Keep the lines of communication open as much as you can, even if they don't or can't write back.
Make is less about what things they get from you (money and toys) and more about keeping a relationship with them.
If you get an opportunity to have a civil conversation with your son, tell him how you feel. He may not take it well, but at least he knows how you feel. If your son invites you over - an actual invite not a guilt trip about not coming over, then give him some reasonable conditions he must abide by before you will come over. Ex, when you're ready to leave, he has to take you to the bus within that hour.
In the end, you have to remember to protect yourself. If trying to stay connected with the children is too painful for you, then as you say, let them be. If you have any inclination that the children are being abused, only then step in, otherwise, protect yourself.
Good luck. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Sarah  +, writes (15 June 2007):
 It's a tough old world! If I were you I would just walk away and put your self first for once. You have done your uptmost, why should you keep giving? It's about time you looked in the mirror and put yourself first, we are a long time dead. What about your hopes and dreams. You could Write a letter to your grandchildren, but I doubt they would receive it. NOW sit down and make yourself a list of what you want from your life and start to life it. Sometimes it is just best to let go. Concentrate on your self and give your self some totally focuses 'me' time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Variety +, writes (15 June 2007):
 Could you write to your grandaughters? Say you love them and maybe invite them to stay. They are ld enough to make some decisions and not just be manipulated by their parents. Then if they reject you it is not your fault and you can walk away. If not then you have the precious gift of your grandaughters. xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Variety +, writes (15 June 2007):
Could you write to your grandaughters? Say you love them and maybe invite them to stay. They are ld enough to make some decisions and not just be manipulated by their parents. Then if they reject you it is not your fault and you can walk away. If not then you have the precious gift of your grandaughters. xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, PoSiOnKiSS +, writes (15 June 2007):
 I truly feel sorry for you, i cant understand how you must feel right now, going through all this hurt after you cared for him on your own for so long. I think your son is in the wrong, but what is your sons wife like? is she a nice woman, a woman that seems as though she wants everyhting to herself? because if that is the case then maybe his wife is influencing him to close you off and ignore you. I dont think you should send presents, why send presents and waste money when you dont even know if there actually getting them? are you still in contact with your daughters? if so why not confide in them about how you are feelings and ask for there help in resolving this messy situation. If oen of them can visit their brother maybe they will see things from a different side, they could take gifts from you and make sure your grandchildren get them. I think your wrong to just let them be, but i also think your right in not wanting to give gifts without even a thanks, thats not manners at all and if your grandchildren expect presents as a means of passing love then their going to be hugely disappointed when they grow up and realise thats not what happens in the world. Tell your son he is wrong for all the hurtful things he has said to you, remind him of the help you gave him in finding him a mortgage for a house so that he could bring his family up in a safe environment. It sounds as though your son is one nasty man and i think he needs a serious talking to, why not ask for his fathers help? hope this helps x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007): Hi there,
I'd probably disagree with you. Your relationship with your son should not affect whether or not you send gifts to your grandchildren. You are setting conditions on being a grandmother. Your grandchildren will grow up one day, and either look back in their childhood and know you were always willing, or know that one day you just gave up being in their life.
Your son obviously has a lot of resentment towards you from the past, and it seems like he is not at any stage to address that resentment, neither are you. For the sake of your grandchildren though, I'd suggest you seperate the differences you have with your son and condition to be involved as much as you can in your grandchildrens lives.
...............................
|
