A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well this isn't a relationship question really... It's about my dad. He's mentally unwell and uses it as an excuse not to do anything around the house. The bathrooms haven't been cleaned for 3 months and the floors haven't been vacuumed in about four or five months. There are dirty plates and trash everywhere... He kicked me out two months ago and I've recently moved back in, but he's threatening to kick me out again unless I clean the entire house top to bottom, meaning vacuuming, scrubbing, dusting, cleaning windows, throwing away all the trash, even cleaning toilets which hasn't been done in about four months... I suppose my question is, is it fair to expect a 17 year old girl to do that when she also has studies and a job to take care of, when her 12 year old brother is the one making most of the mess and refuses to even get himself a drink?I don't want to end up on the streets but unless I clean the entire house top to bottom this is what's going to happen. I just wondered whether or not it was fair to expect me to do this or whether I'm a bad person for considering it unfair? I am all for helping, especially in his state, but I don't think I should be doing ALL of it. He's saying I'm a horrible person, I'm a bitch, I deserve to die alone, I should fuck off out of his house... All of that simply because I refuse to clean his entire house when I haven't even been here for two months to cause the mess. Am I wrong or am I really a bad person?Thank you for reading Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 You're not wrong, nor are you a bad person, but sometimes life is unfair and we have to do things we don't want to do in a trade off for things that we need to...
I suggest hiring a cleaner for the house- at least to get the house clean initially. Then its time to make arrangements to either move or if money is tight- hope that your dad is less likely to explode unless the house is 2-3 months worth of filth. If that's the case- maybe it'd be financially feasible to hire a cleaner once a month or two for a few hours and just try to do little things around the house until it gets too much.
And as the eldest sibling- you do have the right to give your brother a swift kick in the balls to get him to help clean up after himself.
I'm not saying this isn't abuse or that you should be the one doing all the cleaning, but again... sometimes we just have to do things we don't like in order to survive.
A
female
reader, kimberlynn  +, writes (22 June 2011):
I really feel for you and your little brother... your father is using his mental illness not only as an excuse to turn his daughter into a real-life Cinderella, but as an excuse to verbally and mentally abuse his children. There is NO SUCH THING as an excuse for the treatment you've endured. The names you've been called and the threats of being kicked out on the street are completely unacceptable. If it truly is his mental illness that causes him to behave this way toward you (and when you move out, he could just as easily turn this abuse onto your brother,) then you NEED to find him some outside help. It's time for an intervention. Not just for your sake, but for your brother, too.Check into the websites a previous poster mentioned, or tell a school counselor about you and your brother's situation. I know you both love your father and you don't wish to abandon him, and I'm not necessarily suggesting you do (unless the situation gets entirely out of control,) but there are people who are qualified to treat your father for his mental condition and make him a better person.To answer your question directly-- No, you are not a bad person. You're just a child. Every member of the household should be expected to do their part- being the older sibling, your chore load should be heavier than your brother's, but your brother is definitely old enough now to contribute. Please talk to a counselor about your situation. I know what it's like to be without a mother and struggling with a mentally unstable father. At the very least, you need someone you can talk to before you grow into a woman who falls into a series of abusive relationships.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (22 June 2011):
 is he doing anything to resolve his depression? you need to help around the house but so does your brother. tell your dad you are not doing every room. try and have a talk, not an angry argument and draw up a fair rota of cleaning duties. maybe he thinks that cleaning is 'womens work' but he is wrong, if you are all making the mess you should all be cleaning it. you know this - but what to do? if you move out it does not solve the situation for your dad or your little brother. is your dad officially diagnosed as depressed, i mean is he under the care of mental health services? if so maybe you could have a word with them about the situation and see if they can offer any further help. caring guy is right - this is abuse, by neglecting to give you a clean home and you children have got the right to be protected. do you have any other family that can help you such as aunts or grandparents? you are too young to take on the responsibility of all this
x
...............................
A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (22 June 2011):
 While it may well be true that objectively he is abusive i'd be a bit careful with this one purely because of the mental health issues. In no way do they excuse his actions which are deplorable but they do explain them and provide a different explanation to a purely malign nature. In that regard, the last thing that needs to happen is for him to end up in jail which will most likely exacerbate a bad situation. What are his issues? Sounds to me like Bi-Polar? Why is he not getting support he needs from the community?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): I'm the original poster.
I am paying for my education and my food, and I do still help out when I can. I wash and dry up. I get my brother up and ready for school. I make sure he showers (which he will go weeks without doing unless I make sure he does). I enjoy helping out, I just wondered whether it was right to expect me to clean the entire house top to bottom.
Unfortunately I don't earn enough to rent a place of my own, since I'm in college Monday until Friday 8-5. It leaves no time to work besides the weekend, and I do work all weekend but still don't earn enough for rent. I have looked into it.
I never say anything back to him. If I try and defend myself then I just get shouted at and sent out of the house for a few hours so I can't. It's a speak when spoken to rule here so if I speak out of turn then he gets annoyed so I've just learned it's best to keep quiet. I know my situation isn't that bad. I just wanted to make sure I'm not a bad person.
I'd never really considered it abuse to be honest. I thought it was normal since I've lived with it most of my life, but thank you so much for the links. I'm having a really detailed look through at the moment.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 June 2011):
 I don't think you are a bad person... yes, helping is critical but if your dad is not well you need other help..
Check the links Tisha-1 posted..
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2011):
 It does sound like you are experiencing an abusive relationship with your father here. I would strongly urge you to contact this organization: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ and discuss the situation with them. I think they will be able to get you some practical help with this.
I don't think you're a bad person. While I think everyone living in a house should contribute what they can to its upkeep, be that paying the bills or housecleaning or simply making your bed, based on your level of ability, you are being asked to clean up a house that sounds quite frankly unliveable and filthy. That's too much to ask.
I found another link for you to try as well: http://www.thesite.org/homelawandmoney I think you need local, practical help.
Another site: http://www.childline.org.uk/Pages/Home.aspx
Best wishes to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (22 June 2011):
Your not a bad person at all. Your a good person in a very, very difficult situation which many people twice your age couldn't cope with and my heart goes out to you. Firstly, you have to remember that although they hurt, your Dad doesn't mean those things though it probably sounds like, and feels like to you that he does.
Sadly, because of your Dad's position a big burden of care falls upon both you and your brother. Now, how you deal with this is the next question. With respect to your brother, he needs to do his share, and you need to be clear with him that he does, you need to assume the mantle of leading this household and I know that is a big ask but its what is necessary. Of course, he will feel this is unfair on him but this situation isn't exactly fair on anybody so he is just going to have to deal.
Secondly, you cannot do this alone. You really do need more help and the first port of call for this should be your relatives, your Dad's relatives of course. You need to talk to them, explain your situation and ask them for help, I am assuming your Mum isn't in the picture for whatever reason so going there is not an option.
Thirdly, if it comes down to it you need to seek help from the wider community. I don't know exactly what but research it on Google. Finally, you need to make sure that you draw your friends close and let them support you because your going to need it, and you need to in some form, no matter how restricted it is, live the life of a 17 year old girl. Your not alone and now should you be. Good luck and take care :)xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): Thank you for your fast response. I'm the original poster... My mum lives out of town with her new boyfriend but she has no space for me or my brother, and my brother loves my dad so much. If I ever took him away from him then my brother would disown me. I do want to get away but have no where to go.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 June 2011):
This guy is abusing you and your brother - period. I'm sorry to say that, but he's really not fit AT ALL to be a parent. Is there anyway at all you could get away from him?
...............................
|
