A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago I hired a new assistant that is a very young attractive single woman. I attend many trade shows to meet our customers and I think its a good idea for my assistant to come along too once a year as a learning opportunity. I brought her to my last convention and I also brought my wife of 12 years along as well. My wife was humiliated by all the attantion my assistant got at the show and felt as though I was too chummy with her. We all went out after hours for dinners and clubs but I never did anything inapropriate. I have never seen my wife so jealous (or angry) as soon as we got home and she is insisting I cut out my assistant's shows or fire her outright. My wife is from Mexico and very traditional and she's also been cheated on in the past. It's beena week since we got back and this conversation will not go away. Am I wrong in how I am handling this?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 April 2008):
 You should not listen to your wife .
She is just too emotional and not thinking of your business.
What you are doing is right.
Take her along with you and she can also help you .
A win/win situation.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 April 2008):
 The wife will never be friends with the secretary. Maybe the wife will create a relationship with her, in order to snoop on the husband. But no friendship. In a way, it's good that your wife doesn't like your secretary. You're sure she won't snoop on you in this way.
I know what you mean about the family. But, still, I would recommend that you don't give in. She is telling you that you will have an affair, sooner or later. Now that's what I would call trust. What would she say if the tables were reversed? Who says she can't step outside while you're away? Aren't there any men out there she could fall for?
The people in Mexico might have said they want her to "protect" you, but what they really meant is "to keep you in their hand so you can't possibly go away". This is controlling behavior.
I understand your wish to take your wife with you in order to keep her happy. But, you know, you could sleep around any time, couldn't you? So your taking her really proves nothing. It's a concession to nagging. A concession that is easy to understand, but... a concession in the end.
Who says that people only sleep with beautiful assistants? Or only with secretaries?
Why should the family have anything to say in this regard?
Every culture has its own little ways. But many Mexicans are aware that some things need to be left behind, and I think this behavior is one of them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): This sounds like a very tough and complicated situation. It seems some how, you need to show her she is and always will be your number one.
Will explaining the logic for hiring her help? Could be yes she is attractive, but she does (list) very well and the clients enjoy her social grace, which is a plus to any business.
The other thought I have is whether or not there is someway the two could become friends, get to know each other better. Not sure exactly how you would set this up, but if she becomes a friend, then she may be less an enemy or competition.
I have a Mexican-American family I am friends with. She told me her dad was the playboy type and always had affairs up till he died of old age. So this is a stigma that will be hard to break. Not sure of your nationality, but maybe explaining this doesn't run in your family, or at least you have no interest.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): I'm the original poster and what's complicating things is the tremendous pressure being put on my wife from her family and friends in Mexico to stand firm and protect her man. Their feeling is that no matter how well meaning, honest or loyal I am I can be seduced into making the wrong choice if my assistant makes an advance at me far from home. The logic is where there is smoke there is fire. The only person on my side is her father who is telling her to have faith in me and trust that I will forever be loyal to her in any situation. After her father spoke to her she seems to have calmed down a little and is now asking that if I bring my assistant on the road again she insists on being there as well. It's still a little silly in my mind but I understand her completely. Its hard to say how I would feel if the tables were turned so I will gladly cooperate. The truth is I really enjoy having her there with me as much as possible so it's a win/win outcome.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 April 2008):
All of Latin America tends to be very class- and race-conscious, Eddie. You hit the nail. She sees the secretary as "the help" who WILL sleep with the husband. She can't think the secretary might be using this job to pay for her studies. And then, like you pointed out, she thinks the husband WILL have someone on the side.
I'm glad you're back at the site. Your opinions are needed.
Anyways, poster, don't fire your secretary, don't change your ways, and don't let your wife tell you what to do just because she is jealous.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 April 2008):
 This is very common in the Latin culture. Men often have women on the side. It's just the way it is. Mexico also tends to be a very class conscience country. Perhaps your wife sees her as a subordinate who doesn't deserve this attention. Watch any novels from Mexico and you'll see my point. My wife is Hispanic too and I've lived there. That is just typical of the culture.
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A
female
reader, tick-tick-boom  +, writes (16 April 2008):
 I think your wife is very insecure and needs your support. Not only was she angry and jealous she would also have been very hurt because she is not the young pretty woman who is getting all the attention. This is okay because everyone feels this way.
Explain to your wife that you only work with your secutary and reassure her that you are not otherwise involved.
Personally, i don't think you have acted inappropriatley but its understandable why your wife would believe so. I don't think it would be fair to fire tour secutary because from what you say she hasn't actually done anything wrong.
Good Luck! X
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (16 April 2008):
I apologize in advance if anyone feels offended.
In Mexico, very often secretaries are chosen because of their looks, not so much because of their skills. In any case, their looks are a "plus" for the job, because a pretty girl who is also efficient is "better". Very often, the boss sleeps with his secretary, indeed.
So it's very common for wives to be jealous of secretaries. In this case, I suppose it was worse because your wife doesn't really understand your interest in taking this girl with you. For her, secretaries are secretaries and should not go anywhere with the boss. In the US, clerical positions might be just a step people take to move higher up the corporate ladder; that doesn't happen in Mexico. Secretaries are usually bad paid and they are stuck where they are, so your wife can't really see why you would take her with you. I guess your wife knows that nothing has happened, but she is afraid that "something" could happen.
Sometimes, wives nag and pout until the secretary is fired. This is unfair with the secretary, of course.
So, I wouldn't give in on this one. Your secretary is your staff, and that's it. Who you hire should be your matter, not your wife's.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (16 April 2008):
 Did your assistant do anything inappropriate? If that answer is no and you didn't do anything inappropriate then I think your wife is asking a lot of you to "fire" this woman for being attractive and for getting attention. Her behavior, if she is not put in place, will drive you away from her. She is the one with the problem and she needs to resolve it.
I believe you handled things well. Your wife was invited along and you included her and tried to make the most of it. You're now kind of stuck in the middle but if you fire your assistant you are guilty of discrimination and you will resent your wife.
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