A
male
age
41-50,
*liChris
writes:I have a 27 year old girlfriend of 3 years and we have recently been having some issues in regards to spending time together. She has been spending a lot of time with a co-worker (going out, going to his place but just as friends as she claims). However, last week she confessed via text that she slept with him after it happened and indicated to me that she felt horrible and regrets it. I am on the fence whether to believe her or not. I told her that I forgave her and been trying to spend time with her as much as possible to point that she is essentially living with me. But, I still want to know the details on what exactly happen... she said it only happened once. I am still getting a lot of "I don't know" to my questions. I asked if a condom was used and I get a "I think so" but she confessed to buying plan B as precaution. Is she Bullshitting me? Am I wrong for wanting to know if she enjoyed it and if he wore a condom?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 April 2015):
 I will answer the question for her. It was sex so of course she enjoyed it. Now as far as your forgiveness. If you forgive her, it's no longer appropriate to question her on the incident. It doesn't mean you forget, but it does mean you no longer hold her to account for it. You're going to drive yourself nuts pondering on what had happened.
When someone cheats you really have 2 choices. 1. leave them because you deserve to find someone who doesn't treat you that way. 2. Forgive them and rebuild your relationship. But if you choose to forgive, you need to then focus only on you two and not on what you forgave her for.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2015):
 I am pretty sure about the answer to one question. Yes she is bullshitting you, at least about the condom. " I don't know " means no, we did not use one. How could she possibly not know ?...Unless the guy is the Guinness recordman as the fastest condom- wearer in the world, wearing a condom entails a short interruption of whatever you are doing at the time and that does not go unnoticed. Oth, supposing she was really so drunk / out of it / carried away to really not notice, well, this means she omitted to ASK and CHECK that the guy was going to wear one, so... 1 ) assume it's a no, 2 ) not nice coming back to you and basically asking you to risk an STD.
As for the rest, ( did she like it), it's a bit more nuanced. Maybe she liked it physically, but not the overall experience ar a human level. Or viceversa, maybe she enjoyed the thrill of the forbidden fruit and the ego boost and blah blah, but he was lousy in bed. Or, maybe she really liked it all, or realy disliked it all. Go figure. You won't get the total truth out of her. Only, yeah what are you asking for ? Unless you are trying hard to get some foundation to build over a nice RJ ( retroactive jealousy ) case to foam over for who knows how long, - that's irrelevant, the point is that she CHEATED on you, not if she cheated with a good lay or a bad one. You have to decide if you can really forgive her, forgive from the bottom of your heart , and let this go- or, of you can't / won't forgive her due to the hurt and trust issues that her betrayal has generated. The rest is not really pertinent to your quandary.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 April 2015):
 This is a very odd question to me .. why are you not more upset about this? You seem to be in denial of the fact that she slept with another guy. Has it really sunk in yet? And I don't know if I would consider it "wrong" to want to know the details. Is it a little bit masochistic? Yes, a bit. However, everyone handles things differently.
However, I think you really need to let this sink in .. your girlfriend CHEATED ON YOU. She slept with another man. The way you're just going on about life like nothing ever happened is a bit odd. You're acting about the same as if she bought a new pair of jeans last week. She slept with another man. Let it sink in. I'm sorry this happened to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): I would tell her she has two choices:
1. Grow up. Have the decency to admit she didn't even use a condom when she cheated.
2. Go find someone else to lie & cheat & infect.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 April 2015):
 @anon - absolutely I'd give the same advice if the genders were reversed. It's NOT acceptable, biologically, socially, or otherwise if a guy cheats or a girl.
And another thing - this OP didn't do a damn thing to cause her to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to, and because when it comes to relationships, she's morally bankrupt. Saying that the guy caused the cheating is the same as saying a girl caused a guy to become physically abusive. No.
I am an equal opportunity condemner of cheating, whether we're talking male, female, straight, gay, any relationship where one betrays the other and puts them at risk of STI's, extra-relationship pregnancy, extra baggage, anything. Is the world so totally devoid of self-control and self-discipline and loyalty that people start throwing around the "we must be biologically wired to cheat" in order to justify the lack of self-discipline?
What's more is that cheating isn't just some little harmless vice that people do "for them". It hurts a lot of people, parents, children, the innocent partner, friends, family, the entire community structure gets hurt because of it. Children of parents where one cheats on the other can feel abandoned and devastated, their childhood ripped from them through no fault of their own, and the offending partner so up their ass in trying to get their next sex fix that they can't even be mediocre parents because even when they're spending time with their kids, they're thinking about how to get away to have more illicit sex.
It's truly a societal corruption and a social ill, and my heart goes out to everyone who's hurt, and it offends me when people say "think about what you did to cause him or her to cheat", because maybe the breakdown of the relationship is a 50/50 thing, but cheating isn't, just like battering isn't.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): I think you should prepare yourself for a breakup with her because in my experience no guy can tolerate to stay with a woman who has cheated him unless he is also not serious about her and only there with her for sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): @youwish . would you be giving the same advice if a girl is asking the same question? or is it biologically acceptable that men cheat?
@ OP I think you need to look for the reason of her cheating. is it because she doesn't like you anymore or is it because she likes that guy more . is it that you're not spending time with her. find the reasons if they're valid and you can forgive her fine. if you can't forgive her whatever the reasons are then don't stay with her
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 April 2015):
What the hell?!? She texted you like a coward to tell you that she CHEATED on you, and your response was that you're on the fence and wondering if she enjoyed it and if he wore a condom?!??!
If I were you, I'd drop her to the curb faster than you could say "Cheating rat!" She's a lying cheater who had sex with a co-worker behind your back!
This isn't a "PAST RELATIONSHIP". She CHEATED! Why the hell would you be on the fence about this!!!!????
And come on. "I think so" means NO. She's buying Plan B because they went bareback and you know it. She "regretted" it so much that she TEXTS you?!? Really? No face to face? Just the coward's way out and a bunch of "I don't know's"?
All you need to know is how fast you can break up with her! She doesn't regret it. She may feel terrible, but she made the decision. Of course she enjoyed the sex. It was ILLICIT. It was STOLEN. It was WRONG.
Get yourself tested, especially if you're not using condoms. And never touch her again. Something triggered her to text you. If she honestly was regretful, she would have given you the respect of looking you in the eyes to tell you.
End this relationship. She will do it again, and no amount of questions will ever get you to the truth.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 April 2015):
 You, Sir, have a problem.....
WHAT she has done in the past is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.... so, I suggest you drop your scheme of asking and prying about it....
IF you love this girl,.... then forget all that you THINK THAT YOU KNOW... and get on with life...
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 April 2015):
There's some good advice here. She probably enjoyed it, that's why people have sex. She's not going to tell you the details truthfully, accept that.
The important questions are why did it happen and what's going to prevent it from happening again?
If you or her can't answer that question you're in trouble.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): If you really want to forgive her, stop asking so many questions. She isn't going to come clean with the details.
You got questions? Ask something constructive. How about what's going wrong in your relationship? Why does she feel she has to turn to another man for sex? Why should you keep her after she has cheated on you? She isn't going to tell you if she liked the sex.
Would you?
How will knowing if she liked it help you to forgive her?
How can you expect an answer to such a question?
I suggest that YOU practice wearing condoms anyway. You should both get tested for HIV and other STD's within the next 30-60days. You don't know how long they've been messing around, or if condoms were ever used. She's not going to be forthcoming. She doesn't want you angry at her and she wants to slide for what she has done. That's human nature.
It's amazing how people always feel awful about cheating, after the fact. It never seems to bother them so much that they decide not to do it.
Yes, you are wrong for wanting to know if she "enjoyed it."
That is an angry question meant to bring shame. The condom question was legit, go with that. You're still in shock and not making any sense.
You're going to have to find another way to vent your anger. Unless you get a grip on your anger, you're going to pommel her with outrageous interrogation that will serve no purpose but to punish and intimidate her. She will go running back to the other guy. What choice would she have?
Cool your jets and reconsider if you really want her back.
If you want her back, you better stop asking if she enjoyed it. She would be forced to say "no;" and you know you won't believe that. You'll go ballistic if she says "yes."
How would you answer a question like that?
Compose yourself. You both have problems to iron-out together. If you can't get a handle on your anger and disgust, dump her. You have a right to feel upset about being cheated-on and betrayed. No one is forcing you to keep her.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 April 2015):
 EliChris asks, "is she bullshitting me?
There is no way to know the total truth, but what you are receiving is "trickle truth". If you are willing to wait and pressure her long enough, you will get the whole truth. That truth may contain many things that will hurt you.
If she really wanted to save your relationship as her first priority, she would offer total transparency now. The fact that she hasn't indicates that she is not fully committed to you. You need to start sending the message right away that You are an attractive good catch, and she is lucky that you are willing to give her the time of day. That you are ready and willing to leave at the drop of a hat. Until she sees that you will be second place in her heart and mind.
Look up 180
Make an appointment and get yourself tested for STDs.
Get a haircut.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): Are you kidding me? She is absolutely giving you a load of BS! Does she seriously expect you to accept that "I think so, but I used plan B" answer? I've never been with a woman that didn't know whether or not we used a condom during sex. You better believe that she knows whether or not they used a condom. She just doesn't want to give you an answer that you don't want to hear.You have every right to know whether or not they used a condom, and on top of that, to tell her that she needs to go get tested if she still wants to be with you...IF you want to be with her that is.This whole thing would be a deal breaker for me.She cheats on you with another man. She covered it up until the guilt got to her. She tells you about this OVER TEXT MESSAGE. She won't give you straight answers. Of course she feels horrible about it. She feels horrible because now she has to face the consequences of her actions. And she still can't be honest about the whole thing. There is no reason to give her that trust back.The question you have to ask yourself is "am I ever going to be able to fully trust her again?"
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (9 April 2015):
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask if she wore a condom: other forms of contraception can very reliably prevent pregnancy but not the risk of catching a STI. Why does she “think so?” Surely you’d know if you used a condom or not? IF not, why not? Was she drunk? She’s either trying to hide something, perhaps because she’s worried how you’ll react if she didn’t use one, or for some reason she wasn’t fully aware of what was going on, IF she genuinely doesn’t know, she should explain why that was and what happened. If, as is more likely, she just wants to duck the question, if you challenge her that it’s not something you wouldn’t be certain of, she’ll have to give you a straight answer or, like I said, explain how she ended up having sex with reduced awareness. Should you ask whether she enjoyed it? I wouldn’t if I were you. If she genuinely wants to patch things up and regrets her mistake, what will it achieve if you find out that she did enjoy it at the time? What good will knowing all the details of what happened do you? If you focus on what they did and don’t look to the future, you both won’t get over this as a couple. It takes time, and if you’re struggling you’ve got to talk openly to her about that. Perhaps find a relationship counsellor to help you talk in a safe, controlled environment together. The more you talk honestly with each other, the clearer it will eventually become whether you will be able to get past this or not. It’s not about how much time you spend with her, it’s about how you come to understand why she did it, and how you both deal with your understandable hurt and damaged trust in her. Ultimately, it’s about what will restore that trust, and allow you to focus not on reliving the past, but building your relationship.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 April 2015):
 She didn't want to say no and make you angry so she said "I think so." If she really wasn't sure maybe she drank too much. You are not wrong to ask about protection and also if she enjoyed it. You have to protect yourself from STDs. Getting true information can help you make decisions whether to have sex with her again. As to whether she enjoys it, she might not want to tell for fear that you are making comparisons, or you think she would compare you too. I would say a person who cares about you would not have enjoyed it. If she did, it means mentally she already left the relationship. Not spending enough time together is not an excuse to cheat, especially when you live together. If she has time to hang out with him, she has time to have sex with you, even if it's just a quickie before sleep. If you want to know whether she regretted it, whether she loves you, then you have to look at her behaviour right now. She has to earn her trust back and communicate better. The one time incident could be a blur that she's trying her best to forget.
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