A
male
age
36-40,
*ey
writes:I've recently broken up with my gf of about a year. I loved her more than any woman I've ever been with, but throughout the relationship she exhibited signs of mental instability that I overlooked or made excuses for because I love her. Someone recently provided me with information on BPD and upon reading it I saw a remarkable amount of similarities.1) My gf was always inappropriately and irrationally angry or frustrated at any small inconvenience. As if her entire world was ending. She once had a fit for an hour when her car wouldn't start, not allowing me to look at it. When she eventually did, I fixed it in 10 minutes. She has extreme difficulty controlling her anger. She clench anything she's holding when angry and shake and she's stormed out of my apartment over trivial disagreements more times than I can count. 2) Suicide Attempts precipitated or cause by feelings of abandonment. She once broke down and told me that everything she loves leaves her. Her father died when she was young and her mother has never shown her affection. She tried to commit suicide after her mother saw her in a store and ignored her as if she was a stranger. I couldn't imagine having a mother who did that, let alone did similar my whole life. Shortly after that incident she had a break down and tried to commit suicide. And she told me it wasn't the first time she wanted to do it. 3) She would alternate between extremes of idealization and devaluation. Often telling me how wonderful and sweet I am then telling me how completely awful I was to her. And I know I'm bias, but I really was a great boyfriend to her. She said this many times. 4) Emotional Instability...she routinely displays dysphoria, intense irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours. Chronic feelings of emptiness. 5) Sometimes she doesn't see her own, She speaks several languages, has a successful career, but sometimes she just sits around feeling as if she's accomplished nothing and gets extremely depressed. Others, she goes on and on about how amazing she is.6) She would tell me things I do wrong all time to upset her( IE standing her up, looking at other women), but was unable to specifically name an actually occasion when I did these things. My memory is amazing, so when I logically ask her to name just name 3 occasions I've done this to you she reacted with an angry outburst and didn't want to talk about it further. We've been broken up for about 4 months and I think she's seeing another man now, but that has nothing to do with my concerns. Throughout our relationship and our breakup I was constantly confused as to why she was so erratic emotionally. Yes, I still love her very deeply but I'm also very logical. I didn't know BPD was a thing until I followed a link from this website to information about it. My Ex and I aren't speaking at the moment, but for whatever reason I can't help but replay our entire relationship through my head and see these symptoms throughout. Since shes seeing someone else and apparently doesn't want to speak to me I guess it's not my problem anymore, at least that's what all my friends say...but if you love someone, really love them, you're better than casting them aside even if for the moment they're doing that to you, right? Maybe I shouldn't do anything. I've been told repeatedly never to speak to her again, I don't know if there's any recourse of action for this at all, but I really just wanted to share my situation and see if you guys had any advice. If you made it to the end...thanks for listening, means a lot.
View related questions:
a break, depressed, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 April 2015):
 Listen to me: count your blessings and be grateful you got out. It might be painful now, but you will get over it. The pain you feel now is much, much less than if you stuck with her for years and years, and she continued to drag you through the pits of hell and irrationality/instability.
The magnetic pull these types of women can have over you is astounding. In fact, when you mentioned that you thought your ex might have BPD, I anticipated that in the next few sentences, I would read that you loved her more than anyone you've ever been with before. I was right. For some reason, they can just lure you in. You become extremely attracted to and attached to these types of women. You feel responsible for "saving them." It's completely unhealthy and toxic.
It sounds like even though you two split months ago, you're still sifting through the confusion of what happened to you and what you went through. I understand. I've been there myself. It leaves you feeling confused and wanting answers and explanations. Keep this in mind; you're not SUPPOSED to understand her behavior. If you did understand her behavior, it would mean that you were just as messed up. Mental illness and flawed thinking is not something you're supposed to relate to. That's also a part of the addiction they have over you. You find yourself trying so hard to figure them out, that you actually start to believe that it's you; that you're the one who's messed up. You start to question your own sanity. But you know it's not you. Deep down, you know what normal, adult behavior is. And you know she did not display that.
Again, count your blessings that you got out. Otherwise, you'd still be being subjected to that mental and emotional torture. Because that's exactly what it is. And it doesn't get better. It just drags you down with it. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. You'll eventually find your peace of mind and you won't ever look back. This will be just a distant memory. Good luck.
A
male
reader, Rey +, writes (11 April 2015):
Rey is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much for your understanding. It helps a lot to know people have had similar experiences with those they love.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): Hi
I've had the same thing, falling very much in love with someone with a personality disorder and having to finish it. As I understand things, nothing is going to change her. Which is why when you fall for someone with a disorder like this, the only thing you can really do is let go and concentrate on you. For the sake of your sanity, leave things as they are. I still feel it for my ex, but know that no amount of anything I do is going to help either one of us. Your ex isn't going to suddenly see the light and be able to change.
The more I read about it, the more I understood that I was helpless to change anything. Equip yourself with more knowledge on the subject and I think this might help you see that you're wasting your time.
Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (9 April 2015):
 Seeing how I'm not a medical professional of course I understand that I cannot officially diagnose her and I have zero intention of bringing any of this up to her or her new boyfriend. Understand that I did not come to any of these conclusions lightly. And in seeking the information and relating it to her odd behavior throughout our relationship Merely sought to better understand her. Despite us no longer being together romantically as a woman I loved deeply and discussed marriage and children with I do care about her well being. other than her suicide attempts there are other psychological factors I've witnessed stemming from her being sexually abused as a child but that's irrelevant. There really is nothing more to be done on my end. Like I said I just wanted understanding of why she finds it so hard to find a modicum of inner peace. I sincerely hope that she finds the solace she craves.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): Well, without a professional-diagnosis from a psychologist or psychiatrist, you can only speculate. The symptoms could be a combination of mental-disorders. She may only have a serious anger-management problem.
You can't make any real assumptions on her mental-health, but you know what you've consistently experienced regarding her behavior. You made a very difficult decision; contrary to your feelings for her. You did what you had to do.
Don't allow guilt to make you feel you abandoned her. Don't feel you've slighted your commitment to her, by doing what was best for you. You can only endure so much, before her behavior took its toll on you.
She is with someone else now. That chapter of your life is closed. Assume she is happy, but don't interfere. You don't know the outcome of getting involved in her life at this point. If she is mentally-ill as you suspect; you can't predict her reaction to your intrusion on her life after leaving her. It has been only four months, and I would assume her feelings toward you would be very raw.
You don't have any right to tell the guy she's dating anything, if that's what's going on in your mind. He'll find out soon enough on his own. Listen to your friends. They gave you good advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): You are breaking things down into pieces and working them out. You could be struggling with post traumatic shock.
Why would you stop loving and stop caring.
It doesn't mean you need contact just acceptance. Reflection helps in many c ways to move forwards
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 April 2015):
I don't know if my wife has any specific disorder or not but she certainly has anger issues and is irrational when I ask her for specific reasons why she is mad at me.
As much as I love her, I do believe my life would have been better with someone without these issues. Medication helps but it eliminates her seed drive...
Love is easy to find in my experience, but true compatibility is the key to a happy long term relationship. Keep looking for it and your future self will thank you!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2015):
 Agreed. Not your Circus not your monkeys... let it go.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2015):
 Leave her be. I wouldn't be surprised if she already know she isn't an "average Annie". She knows her behavior is NOT always stable or healthy.
You write:
*** I've been told repeatedly never to speak to her again***
SO freaking RESPECT that. It's not Quantum mechanics, it's just COMMON sense.
I get that you have found something that you think could help her. But the thing is SHE WANTS nothing to do with you.
Now she may or may NOT have BPD, but you... have some issues too. Like not really letting go, wanting to "fix" her.
INSTEAD USE the information to ACCEPT that she WASN'T capable of having a "normal" relationship, not with you. (maybe not with anyone) No matter how many excuses you made, how much you enabled her, THIS IS WHO SHE IS. People with BPD can learn to control it, some with the use of meds and psychotherapy. TELLING someone, hey I think you have this BPD doesn't fix a thing. Specially if THAT someone have TOLD you to leave her alone.
And your friends ARE right. IT's no longer your "problem".
Focus on YOUR life. Figure out why you are SO fixated with this woman and her (possible) mental issues.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 April 2015):
 What are you thinking about doing? Calling her up and saying "Hey you know I've done some research and I'm pretty sure you are mentally ill"? That should go over like a lead balloon. I think your best option is to just let all this go and get on with you own life and not dwell on hers.
...............................
|
