A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My boyfriend of 4 years and I just recently got engaged. I'm really happy and excited about it all, because I had been pushing the whole get married thing for so long. We shopped around for rings and at first I didn't care which one he'd get me because I thought he knew how special this would be for me and it would be our ring for life. All he ended up getting me was a tiny 1/4 ct. Bezel set sterling silver ring... I'm trying to be happy but it's still upsetting that after all these years and so much anticipation this was all he got for me. It looks so plain on me. Being honest I told him about it... How I don't feel special wearing it. It just doesn't 'bling' enough.. I'm 29, have my own house, 2 cars and a good career for myself. I wouldn't have bought this ring for myself, better yet as my engagement ring. It makes me sad that this was what he settled on for me.Love, trying to be happy
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): Wow, so many replies to my post!! Well, my fiancé and I talked it out and we understand each other. That's all that really matters. Love makes you feel and do crazy things but at the end of the day it's not about yourself but the other person.
So many of you are ready to criticize me and my situation, that's why it is hard to find love in this world... It's so easy to point out what I do and don't deserve... How do you know what i am when all you see are these words on your monitor? No one ever asked what I've done for him.. All of a sudden i just want him to spend a fortune on me. Truth is, I got my own, i dont need his. Relationships like ours doesn't happen over night. I've been through heaven and hell with him and he knows it better than any of you could ever start to imagine. When you've gone through what I went through, you get tired of making up excuses of why you always got to be the one to settle. I know he is better than what he puts out there and I am not going to let others put us down just because he wants to save a few bucks. If you're going to do something, do it all the way, not just half-ass it and expect others to feel sorry for you. I don't play like that. That's why I have what I have and I expect what I expect... No less!
So when you do find the right one.. Never let him/her go. It's all the little things that mean the most!! Whether it's words, hugs and kisses... When they are happy you are happy too! And when they are sad and hurt you feel it too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): There is nothing wrong with wanting a beautiful ring, it's a symbol of your love and you will wear it daily, but you have to remember what is more important overall which is him and you. The price, the stone or lack of stone can all be worked out. Some people don't need a ring at all. I think this about more than a ring, it's about setting yourself and him up for disappointment and setting him up for failure so you can feel upset with him and feel he is not good enough. You had a chance to go with him and get a ring you wanted and you didn't, plenty of people do this. So maybe ask yourself why you feel the need to have him prove himself to you this way and fail. Sounds very unhealthy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): I'm just waiting for him to sign up to "Dear Cupid" and ask for advise in how to deal with you being so materalistic and ungrateful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): So santa didn't bring you the bling you've been wanting and now you're feeling blue about it. Answer the question honestly by answering a ,b ,c ,d or e. A engagement ring means so much to me because A: It signifies the love we have and a commitment to our future. B: It signifies monetary value and if a man ain't willing to spend it he's not worthy of my affections. C: I want something to show off so i can be the object of envy D: All it is but a carbon and mineral based object mined out the earth with no real meaning to me except the human suffering caused by such mining so i would rather do without one. E: I'm not materialistic just the world is a superficial materialistic place. It's not fun being laughed at behind my back. F: Answers B, C and E; a big ring for me is similar to a man that obsessed how huge his penis is, its critical to my self esteem by demonstrating how much wealth i can attract by my beauty and looks. By what answer you choose the values that are most important to you.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (29 January 2012):
 We had one caller.. who couldn't remember anything about her wedding, and spent a whole year crying and being upset because her wedding dress wasn't right...
What a terrible start to her married life, and of course her and her husband had problems because of it.
Luckily she came here to DC and eventually realised that the dress wasn't important, but the man and the marriage was...
Pity though.. she ruined her own wedding because of this nonsense. She can't remember the good wishes, the family and friends or anything about the event.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): So santa didn't bring you the bling you've been wanting and now you're feeling blue about it. Answer the question honestly by answering a ,b ,c ,d or e. A engagement ring means so much to me because A: It signifies the love we have and a commitment to our future. B: It signifies monetary value and if a man ain't willing to spend it he's not worthy of my affections. C: I want something to show off so i can be the object of envy D: All it is but a carbon and mineral based object mined out the earth with no real meaning to me except the human suffering caused by such mining so i would rather do without one. E: I'm not materialistic just the world is a superficial materialistic place. It's not fun being laughed at behind my back. By which answers you choose shows what ethics and morals you have.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): Now you are trying to make yourself a victim of a horrible injustice because he didn't deliver on your expectations you have based on a princess narrative you along with most of western society bought into. You are materialistic because if you because a non materialistic person does not base his or her's reason for joy based on things that can be taken away or lost. You seriously need to look inside yourself to see what are your true motivations for life before you get married. From what i see this marriage is not going to bring you or him any longstanding joy and happiness. You're looking at it as if you're an actress on a stage and when things don't go the way you think they should go you feel humiliation and embarrassment. Look at it instead as a new important exciting chapter in your life where the experience itself can never be taken away or lost where as a ring can be stolen or lost to calamitous weather conditions.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (28 January 2012):
 "I'm not materialistic I just live in a materialistic world. "
Sorry but no. You choose your own values. If you want to choose values that mean you are "just going to be wrong and sad for the rest of my life." then you should take a good look at your values.
Perhaps you'd rather be a person that finds joy in your upcoming marriage and your husband to be? Someone who doesn't care about the price of an object?
You are sadly being your own worst enemy in this. I suggest you just let this go and focus on the enormous positive: that you are getting married.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 January 2012):
"I'm really happy and excited about it all, because I had been pushing the whole get married thing for so long." (original caller)"I'm not materialistic I just live in a materialistic world. The first thing everyone wants to see when you hear someone's engaged is the ring!!" (original caller)"Theres nothing he can do to fix this. I won't let him. I'm just going to be wrong and sad for the rest of my life. Somethings in life you just don't get a re-do. This was one of them." (original caller)Strange, you keep pushing and pushing a guy to get married when it sounds like he isn't interested. He gets you a ring, which you could afford to buy yourself buy selling one of your cars, but it disappoints you. You want to show off to the world, because the ring is just a symbol of how rich you are and you want to make them jealous.. then before you even get married, you've already decided to make yourself (and him) unhappy for the rest of your life.I suggest you do not get married, none of this sounds right. I can only see an even more expensive wedding which will disappoint you, because it's not "bling" enough, and lots of hurt and resentment and a very quick divorce.Find a man who understands women better, who wants to get married and has a very, very big bank balance. Nope, don't understand, but I'm not materialistic at all, and marriage to me means loving a man, not trying to impress the world. With the right man, cheap and cheerful, love and laughs, the more expensive wedding and ring can come after we've been loving for 20years or more. Think I'd rather that then to be hurt and resentful, but still determined to marry a man who I'm so angry with, like you are planning.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 January 2012):
 "Theres nothing he can do to fix this. I won't let him. I'm just going to be wrong and sad for the rest of my life. Somethings in life you just don't get a re-do. This was one of them."
OH dear OP,
I"m so so sorry you feel this way. I know that there is nothing I can say or do that will change your mind. I feel bad for YOU and for your fiance.
Do you let him try to fix his other mistakes or do you carry a ledger file in your head of all his errors... they will over the years add up and deepen and your resentment and simmering disappointment and anger will build and one day 20 years from now (if you guys make it that long) you will be mad because once again he did not do what you expected him to do (be it stop for flowers on the way home or take out the trash timely) and you will BLOW UP AT HIM and all the years of resentment disappointment and sadness will come out and he will stand there slack jawed going "what did I do" as you scream at him about how he's ALWAYS let you down from the engagement ring (note the deer in the headlight look he has when you scream at him about this since it's not about the current situation) to not taking out the trash.
Being sad and disappointed is fine. KEEPING it to yourself is NOT a healthy thing and very well could later on be a bigger problem then it is now.
IF he disappoints you now and lets you down now, why stay?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): i hope everything works out for you and your bf. i hope you don't hold this over his head while you are married with him. if you choose to be sad, and wrong the rest of your life that is your choice . a redo on a ring is a choice also , its not life and death.he was willing to redo the ring. life is full of choices and i think you are making way too much out of this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): " Theres nothing he can do to fix this. I won't let him. I'm just going to be wrong and sad for the rest of my life. Somethings in life you just don't get a re-do. This was one of them."
what a terrible attitude, you're choosing to make yourself miserable. It even sounds like you want to punish him for your disappointment.
You are so unhappy with what he did, and yet when he's willing to do what you want to make amends, you won't let him. You just want to stay sad forever. Well OK that's your choice, but realize that you don't get to blame it on him anymore because now it is YOUR CHOICE.
some things in life you don't get a re-do? I can understand how that applies to ... death! But this is a ring, a physical object. The symbolism and meaning you give to it are of your choosing and yours entirely. You can easily re-do this you just don't want to. If so, fine, but then you don't have the right to blame him and make it a problem for him.
I don't think you're being very fair to your bf. You pushed him to marry you, which doesn't show consideration for his feelings. When he finally proposed to you as a result of your pressure, you got mad at him for not reading your mind about what kind of ring you expected. When he tries to make it right, you won't let him. Instead you just want to stay disappointed and mad at him forever.
"I made it clear to him that he only gets one chance to get things like this for me. "
What on earth kind of attitude is this?? I think you're more concerned with living out a fantasy than about the real substance of what a relationship let alone a marriage is supposed to be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): Thanks all for the comments. I am going to keep this ring forever. I made it clear to him that he only gets one chance to get things like this for me. This is the ring that celebrates us! We had talked about it before that we would even go finance one together and if we couldn't afford to put a diamond in it, we would work on getting it put in later.. But this is it! That's why I am upset. I'm not one of those out there that 'upgrade' engagement rings at a later date. If you met the one you wanted to spend the rest of you life with I think you'd put a little more thought into the ring that she rocks for you... I work my butt off for everything I have. I'm not materialistic I just live in a materialistic world. The first thing everyone wants to see when you hear someone's engaged is the ring!! The compliments I've received so far are: oh it's so dainty, matches your small hands; how cute! And oh that's pretty. I'm not even asking for a 1 ct. ring, a half ct. would of been fine. When you've been dating someone for this long there is a lot of anticipation. Why couldn't he just saved a couple bucks here and there for me. But yeah.. Theres nothing he can do to fix this. I won't let him. I'm just going to be wrong and sad for the rest of my life. Somethings in life you just don't get a re-do. This was one of them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): Argh,
some people on here just done understand. To each their own. Go on reputable websites like pricescope and you will encounter hundreds/thousands of posts from women who are not happy with their engagement rings and getting them altered. I was one of them.
For some the ring simply doesn't matter, but you are your own person with different values/taste. Yes, you should keep in mind his budget and YES, you should have been more specific about what you liked from the start. But, its not too late! I know so many women that have asked to change/upgrade their rings or do so every couple of years.
My husband and I had dinner with two couples. The topic came up. One of the women admitted to returning her original ring and designing a 'bigger' one to her preference. My fiance laughed and so did the other couple because as it turned out - we all did the same thing!! All three guys admitted to having been initially very very hurt, but in the end wanted to make their future wife happy. After all, she was going to have to wear this piece of jewelry on her finger for the rest of her life!
I had my ring upgraded because I wanted it larger. Okay, yes it was slightly selfish and looking back I feel bad about it. But now I have the most beautiful ring I have ever seen and my husband grins from ear to ear when he see's me or other people gushing over it. He was very hurt when I asked to make a few changes though.
Hopefully you have a strong relationship and can be honest with him. I think for an engagement ring sterling silver is a no no, you want something that will last decades. Hopefully he can go up to in crt too. Your guy probably didn't know what to buy you and purchased something that wouldn't break the bank. My jeweler told me he always steers men who have no clue what to get towards a nice 1 crt stone and a temporary ring which can be changed/designed by the woman. Less romantic, but very practical.
Hope this helps.
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female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (27 January 2012):
 You are so ungrateful. You should feel so lucky that you have someone special to you in your life. ( When there are so many people out there still looking for love.) I am wearing a sterling silver ring that my boyfriend used to wear and gave to me within the first 2 months of us dating. It's been 8 months now and I feel so blessed just to have him in my life. Looking at that ring just reminds me of something special that we share.( He could have givin me anything and I would be happy because it came from him.) I think you need to stop being spoiled and realize what you have. Maybe take one of your two cars and sell it to get the money for the "blingy" ring you so desire ?.... Why does Paris Hilton come to my mind? lol ;)
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (27 January 2012):
 What did he say after you told him the truth? Is he returning it and letting you pick out a ring that is at least a bit more suitable for you? Even if he doesn't have much money, he CAN afford gold. Sterling silver is an incredibly cheap, non-durable metal. You definitely have every right to be upset over the sterling silver, but as far as the carat of the diamond is concerned.... that is a bit more complicated.
The real question is: is your fiance on the same socio-economic level as you? Does he have money to buy you the ring that you want? If he cannot afford to buy you a larger rock because of debt and/or a miserly wage, well, what can you really do? You cannot force someone to go into debt for bigger bling. If he CAN afford it, but he just doesn't want to spend more money on you - then you have a real problem because you're dealing with a cheap man.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 Is the quality of the ring what really matters?
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (27 January 2012):
 It's not all about the size of the rock on your finger!Get your priorities straight. It's the thought that counts. Maybe he saw that ring and thought that it would look so very beautiful on the finger of the woman he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with. The fact is, he chose it himself and probably put a lot of thought into choosing it with the budget he had...Tell you what, why not really kick him whilst he's down, go and pawn it somewhere, then buy yourself the ring you want!People like this make me mad!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): You say you "pushed marriage" for a while and now aren't happy with the ring. I dont mean to be rude by reading what you have wrote makes you sound rather spoilt. So what if you have 2 cars, house, career etc... Be grateful you have someone who wants to marry you. He chose that ring for you to the best of his ability, you could have really upset him by saying its just not "bling" enough. So the ring rather than meaning the commitment you want to make is instead some sort of statement to show your status in life?
Let it go, look forward to your wedding just let it be about love rather than how flash you can be.
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (27 January 2012):
 is the ring more important than he is? is the ring more important than the marriage relationship together. (the whole married thing ) as you put it should be taken more serious or not at all, its not about a ring. you brought up your career, your house, your two cars- they have nothing to do with your engagement. it seems you place more value on things than you do on the guy you are marrying. i am sorry to be so direct, but if you let small things like this come between you and the lucky guy you are fortunate be getting to spend the rest of your life with, you are killing the marriage before it gets started. i mean this with care what is more important him, or a ring.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 January 2012):
 Well what did he say when you told him how you felt?
And as for your own money, career etc - that is all well and good, but how much money does your partner have? Can he afford to spend as much as you would spend on yourself? Perhaps this was all he could afford?
But if he could have spent more and he is just trying to save money, then you are justified in being a bit unhappy. I understand is must be hard, because at the end of the day you are happy he has proposed and you are spending the rest of your lives together, but you are just a bit unhappy that the ring wasnt what you always dreamt of.
It would have been wise to make him understand your expectations before he bought it, if you thought beforehand he automatically just 'understood' that this was special then you are forgetting that men dont get the whole engagement ring/wedding fuss that women participate in - to them it is just an expensive piece of jewellery, it doesnt mean anywhere as much to them as it does to you. So if you were talking about getting engaged, then it would have been sensible to let him know what you expected, and if you really felt so strongly then you should have bought the ring together rather than letting him choose it.
All you can do now is explain how you feel about the ring, and that you will wear this ring for the rest of your life so you are going to have to change it for something you like. Yes he will be upset - but it cant really be avoided any longer. If you put up with a ring you dont like you will be unhappy for years, whereas if he has to take it back and get you another one (please choose the next one together!) then he will be unhappy for a few weeks tops.
You are not a bad person for feeling like this, us girls love our bling and often dream about our weddings from a young age so if your ring falls short then the whole wedding process is tainted a little bit. I know I would be disappointed too, but then again I have made it crystal clear to my boyfriend that when he comes to buy a ring for me in the future exactly what I expect and the sort of money he should be spending. Talk to him and get the ring changed - there is not a lot else you can do!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 January 2012):
"WE shopped for rings"
Did you give him an idea of what you wanted or did you expect him to read your mind? At first you didn’t care but now you do? I get that.
When my mother got engaged they went and picked out the stone at the diamond dealer and my father picked a beautiful 1.1 carat PERFECT blue white diamond and my mother said “it’s so small” because compared to her friend’s who were all getting 2 carat stones it was small… and my father said to her “you may have a larger stone of LESSER quality or you may have this smaller stone of better quality” Thankfully she picked the smaller stone that I am currently having reset into a ring for myself… I just had it looked at and the jeweler GASPED at the quality of the stone… so the question to you is IF the stone is HIGH quality and it’s all he could afford is it enough then?
OR do you want him to take what he can afford and ADD to it to get a bigger stone (what my first husband’s second wife did as she wanted a bigger stone and he could NOT afford to get her the ring she wanted)….
How do you know he settled on this ring for you? Maybe it’s all he can afford. Maybe the stone is very very high quality?
Your options are:
a. Accept the ring as it is given with love and honesty and love it for all it’s worth and maybe later on for an anniversary have the stone set into a new ring as part of a bigger blingier ring…
b. Ask if you can add money to the purchase, exchange the ring and buy what you want
Granted a ring is important but after years and years of wearing it will you still feel that way? I mean the ring eventually will be such a part of you, that you won’t even think about it being on your hand at all… and a BIG blingy ring is actually a PITA to deal with full time….
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male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (27 January 2012):
My best friend proposed to his girlfriend on the 1st of Jan this new year and this is what he did. He initially took her around looking for rings. Eventually she said if u ever gona propose, this is what i would like. He went back by himself, got the same ring and they both happy. Thats what u should have done too. Since my girlfriend is like u, thats what i ll do too when i went to propose. I can go through hell to get her something, if she doesnt like it, instead of sayin thanx, but you should have dont this instead, she ll forget the effort i put in but will be moaning about why i didnt do it right. But yeah, i know how to handle her now.
Please women, try to be more grateful first before you moan.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (27 January 2012):
That's rather materialistic of you don't you think?
His measure of his feelings towards you is not a dollar amount placed on the cost of your ring.
Do you know the history of the '3 months salary' idea that exists in the USA? It actually comes from an advertising campaign in the 1930s, created by the diamond company De Beers. One of the most successful campaigns ever!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2012):
 Wait a second. You *both* shopped for a ring before you told him that you didn't care which one he got you??
You had the ability to pick out your own ring, yet you threw it away in order to "test" how he felt about you, and now you don't like the result.
You are to blame for this. I wouldn't get mad at him. Besides, what's more important, the ring, or the marriage? You've been pushing the marriage thing and got what you wanted. If you and he were both shopping for rings, *you* should have picked it out.
As for telling him that you don't feel "special" wearing the ring, geeze. Do you feel special being his fiance? It's not about the ring. Stuff like this fuels the debate for men never to propose to a woman.
Sorry to be blunt, but I think you got yourself into this situation and are losing sight on what's important. I don't know the temprament of your guy, but maybe he'll let you take it back and get something for yourself, and maybe not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): Wait a second. You said 'at first I didn't care which one he'd get me because I thought he knew how special this would be for me and it would be our ring for life'. So even yourself admit it was more the getting married that mattered. Since you did not communicate your needs or wants to Fiance- do you get to honestly fault him for getting you a sterling silver ring? And what are his finances like? Is he able to afford a 'bling' ring?Even then, is this a Promise Ring he purchased and waiting to surprise you with an Engagement ring?It seems there is no HONEST communication occuring.Now a days, people no longer get the 'traditional' bling ring. They now invest in metals that are tougher, stronger, and durable like titanium. Some of those rings are nice and not so inexpensive.Also you are talking to someone where our marriage ceremony does not involve the tradition of a ring. Its the covenants to one another that we make.Being you had to keep at him to marry you- nice. Not very loving and romantic. I'm thinking maybe its not that you love and accept your Fiance but you want the Marriage more and whatever idea about the process you built up in your head. Fiance is no mind reader and if you can't communicate your needs- its not going to happen the way you want it to.Some Dudes are just not romantic. Or he could be like my Fiance who did not WANT to marry his Ex but for his sons, Did. All he bought his Ex was a stainless steel ring.Time to do some refelecting and soul searching as to what you think LASTING HAPPINESS is and what is of TRUE IMPORTANCE to you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): Yes. Yes you are very, very wrong.Do you have any idea what people have to go through just to mine those things? And the fact that, prior to the early 20's a diamond engagement ring was not even a tradition for a proposal.Stop being so damned materialistic because you can have all the money and fabulous treasure in the world and still be unhappy... the amount of rich celebrities breaking down so often is living proof of that.Be thankful he even gave you ANYTHING. A diamond ring is so cliche. As is marriage, given how easily people file for divorce nowadays.Just because YOU value size over meaning, does not mean it's right.Two cars? What do you even NEED two cars for anyway? People travel this life in different ways and not all of us measure success in how many cars we have. Some of us measure it in how often what we DO have actually means anything, and the people we share those things with.Remember, you can't take your stuff with you when you die. But you can definitely take memories and emotions, and in the end that's all we have.
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